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Apocalyptic scenario # 351 : Sun crushed by giant dildo
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Apocalyptic scenario # 351 : Sun crushed by giant dildo I was organizing my old CDs I never listen to anymore in preparation of spitting on them and chucking them in the sewer (unless anyone has a better idea) when I came across "We Like Folk , Who Cares , Destroy Us" . I'm a fan of Beck , but this was never one of my favorites , still I thought I should give it one last listen - I haven't heard it in years and my tastes have changed . Why not ? Anyone who likes Beck knows the dude has some weird lyrics , but sometimes he goes completely off the rails . From "Pay No Mind (Snoozer) " ; Give the finger to the rock and roll singer As he's dancing upon your paycheck The sales climb high through the garbage pail sky Like a giant dildo crushing the sun That's why I pay no mind, I sleep in slime, I just got signed Since the sun is a miasma of incandescent plasma you can't really crush it per say , but a large enough dildo traveling through space could disperse it (assuming Superman didn't stop it) . But a dildo of that size would destroy earth with its gravity well long before it ever got to the sun so we wouldn't know . By the way , what color is the sun ? If you said yellow (or sometimes red) you're wrong as as hell .  This is what the sun looks like without the dumb atmosphere of earth photoshopping it . Kind of like the testicle of an albino man with impeccable skin care . Not that I would know what that looks like . As I was out and about this fine 100 degree morning , I saw a woman walking along and being the dirtbag that I am I check her out . She was pretty cute , but the thing that really caught my was the giant tactical knife sheath she had strapped to her thigh . I didn't notice if there was a knife in said sheath , but I have to assume there was . Or is that like the new fashion trend ? Will I see every girl with a shoulder holster or a combat vest in a few months ? SWAT chic ? Anyway , assuming she had a knife that fit in that sheath (by the way is beaver knife a real euphemism for the penis or is that just an Iowa thing ?) aside from being totally illegal , it does raise some questions . Why does she need to walk around with such a knife ? Is she a big Crocodile Dundee fan ? Does such a thing even exist ? The other thing I saw as I was tooling around in my sweet Kia Spectra , was an autoglass repair place that had a bunch of broken windows . I know its an AUTO glass repair place , but it still amused me . Anyone who has , help me out - why do insist on throwing the dice directly at the game board and knocking all the pieces over when they roll ? In other news , did you know that Cosmo is trying to kill us all ? Sex advise from their website ; "Very softly bite the skin of his scrotum ." There's something mankind has known about intercourse since the very , very first sexual act was performed : If in describing the act , the words "bite" and "scrotum" appear in the same sentence , something went catastrophically wrong . So wrong that your behavior should have earned you an unceremonious exit from the gene pool . To put this in context , when kangaroos fight each other , they use the claws on their hind legs to tear at their opponent's scrotum . Even when trying to kill each other by way of scrotal trauma , wild animals refuse to go so far as biting . And by the way , when dealing with teeth and that area of the body , the modifier "softly" doesn't do anything to make this better . That's like saying to "gently" jam a lit cigarette into his eye . "Jiggle his balls back and forth like shaking dice in a cup ." We always knew there was something sexy about Yahtzee ! And now it's all so clear : It remind us of the time our girlfriend rattled our testicles around like a set of dice she was trying to shake a lucky roll out of . I think its safe to say this advice came from a angry woman looking for revenge . Its like that time they put in Maxim "You know what really turns the ladies on? When you jab them in the ribs with a sharp stick." That advice was clearly from a balding man in his basement , with a wall covered in photos of his mother with scrawled over them in blood . "Gently tug the hairs between the navel and penis ." Well , at least this one doesn't involve outright genital trauma . This little nugget recommends you pull on some dude's treasure trail hairs . You know , to turn him on. Hey , ladies , have you ever heard a guy use the expression , "He's got me by the short hairs ?" was the guy using it in a positive way ? No , because it is meant to convey the image of somebody grabbing your pubic hair and causing so much pain that they can make you do anything . Nobody unwraps a gift at Christmas and says , "Thanks, Grandma ! This Xbox 360 will really get me by the short hairs !" All right , so now what you need to understand about that strip of fur Cosmo is referencing is that it's basically pubes . It's like a pubic escape route from your pants . No one's going to publish "yank on his pubes" in a sex advice column because no one outside of a few fetish scenes would want to do it , because it's horrible . "Move his penis all around like an old school Atari joystick - up down , all around ." I had to throw this one in because it's hilarious , shows utter unfamiliarity with how the male unit works and yet is still somehow the best advice on this list . After she's attempted to bite your nutsack , yanked out your pubic hairs and rattled your balls like she's working a craps table , it'll be sweet relief to have the woman merely grab your boner and steer it around while making "BEEP BOOP" video game noises . "Yes , honey , that's great . Play Space Invaders with my wang . I just have to catch my breath here . Yes , sure , use it like a gear shift and make race car noises . That will be a fun activity for you while I wait for the feeling to come back to the lower half of my body ." "Make two fists around the penis and twist them in opposite directions as fast as you can ." For those of you who don't have mean uncle , this technique , when applied to the forearm , is called an Indian Burn . I'm not sure if the politically correct version would be an Indigenous American Burn or a Southeast Asian Burn , but that's irrelevant because when done to your manhood it would need a new term completely . Something like , "A crime a million times worse than murder ." I'm not even joking at this point . Seriously , don't do this . We're frowning over our keyboard . This has been banned by the Geneva Convention as an inhumane torture technique . They will build grim monuments to the men who have had this done to them . Let us never forget what Cosmo did to those fine men on that terrible day . Putting first by putting employees first, immediately after prioritizing fiscal responsibilities and leveraging profitability towards exceeding by empowering our employees to put (and themselves) first, in a diverse and respectful environment of only those that come first, first. |
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There is a fetish that specifically is about getting kicked in the balls. I can't remember what the term is. I saw it in a link once and clicked on it. It was a site with lots of videos of guys getting kicked in the crotch. Some use a knee, some were more like a place kick. There were quite a few where there were guys lined up then the Dom came in and went down the line kicking each. Each video didn't last very long. As a sex act it doesn't take very long to get kicked. Bukakke videos last only as long as it takes to get through the line of guys. Ball-busting videos probably only last as long as it takes to get through the line of Doms. I've read that bukakke was invented in 1974 in Japan. The porn laws there made it hard to make movies so they invented a new genre. The women were in costume and they blurred out the dick so the films were legal. I read that they picked the term because the long sticky strands of cum reminded the producers of noodles. The novel Venus on the Half-shell had a dildo shaped spacecraft as did the series Lexx if I'm not mistaken. Now if a guy had a small penis, she wouldn't be able to grip it with both hands. Mine gets smaller just thinking about Native American Burns. Cosmo does often have some nice cleavage showing though. Crosswords increase your vocabulary. Cross words increase your blood pressure.
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I think the Atari joystick treatment would be a fine comeback for the dudes who twist the girl's nipples like radio dials while saying, "Come in, Rangoon". Is it a sad commentary that all of us females were rolling on the floor laughing at your tales of male misery?   
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I used to have a subscription to Wired , there's some pretty good stuff in there , but since it was 77% advertisements I couldn't justify it anymore Putting clients first by putting employees first, immediately after prioritizing fiscal responsibilities and leveraging profitability towards exceeding by empowering our employees to put clients (and themselves) first, in a diverse and respectful environment of only those that come first, first.
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There is a fetish that specifically is about getting kicked in the balls. I can't remember what the term is. I saw it in a link once and clicked on it. It was a site with lots of videos of guys getting kicked in the crotch. Some use a knee, some were more like a place kick. There were quite a few where there were guys lined up then the Dom came in and went down the line kicking each. Each video didn't last very long. As a sex act it doesn't take very long to get kicked. Bukakke videos last only as long as it takes to get through the line of guys. Ball-busting videos probably only last as long as it takes to get through the line of Doms. I've read that bukakke was invented in 1974 in Japan. The porn laws there made it hard to make movies so they invented a new genre. The women were in costume and they blurred out the dick so the films were legal. I read that they picked the term because the long sticky strands of cum reminded the producers of noodles. The novel Venus on the Half-shell had a dildo shaped spacecraft as did the series Lexx if I'm not mistaken. Now if a guy had a small penis, she wouldn't be able to grip it with both hands. Mine gets smaller just thinking about Native American Burns. Cosmo does often have some nice cleavage showing though. Putting clients first by putting employees first, immediately after prioritizing fiscal responsibilities and leveraging profitability towards exceeding by empowering our employees to put clients (and themselves) first, in a diverse and respectful environment of only those that come first, first.
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I think the Atari joystick treatment would be a fine comeback for the dudes who twist the girl's nipples like radio dials while saying, "Come in, Rangoon". Is it a sad commentary that all of us females were rolling on the floor laughing at your tales of male misery? Putting clients first by putting employees first, immediately after prioritizing fiscal responsibilities and leveraging profitability towards exceeding by empowering our employees to put clients (and themselves) first, in a diverse and respectful environment of only those that come first, first.
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