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| Blogs > indian0summer > Rants & Ravings Of a Lunatic |
Just to empty the heart and head,
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Just to empty the heart and head, Where should I start, At times I hate my fuckin life,. At other times I couldnt ask for another one thats better, I married a man that I love with all my heart and adore as well as adimre everything he stands for, but the hard faced fact is I havnt felt like a wife since we got married, I just feel like Im only here,. waitin,. as the long monthes have passed I have found myself slippin into what I can only call is a Crazy Woman Syndrome, I feel like all the walls that I have tried my damnest to keep put up around me are caving in on me and I cant breathe,. I cant think,. I cant fuction,. I feel like Im starting to lose myself back in that dark hole Ive been so desprate to crawl out of, some days I can see the light so clear and brite that it damn near blinds me, others its like this massive cloud of darkend hate and misery that sucks the life out of my soul. How do we really keep our head up when shits being fling at us,? How do we look back and relize that we are alone, families may be to far to reach, may not be as close to you as you want them to be, you feel like your reaching out only to pull back a stub instead of feelin a stronger hand on the other side to help you pull trough. All these years, all my friends, all my heart breaks, No one ever stayed by my side to help me fight what I myself could not, Ive been shattered to only pick myself back up, several times over, Ive been abandoned, Ive been casted out, sometimes I think it was best, others maybe I didnt deserve such haterd, I know in my heart I will never see myself as others might, I will never be able to understand what some do see in me, good person?, I never really thought so, Good heart? not that eather but defianlty a dark one, Kind soul? is there even such a thing?? Bad part is I have my days and I have my moments, sometimes it jsut feels soo damn good to be mean and hateful to someone even if they didnt deserve it, parts of me dont care, parts of me does, the rest fights it out to see what side of me will win, Sometimes I just wished it would all fade away or take me over,. Hell as its been already the more I stress the more I take it out on myself so why not,. why not jsut give in and let it go for once in my fuckin life?? Why is it that I feel even when my husband tells me that Im a wonderful wife and Im doing a good job,. I still feel like a failure, I still feel like a dissapoinment and a disgrace to all that come to know me, Im so afraid to let anyone close to me cause I might<b> fuck </font></b>up the one good thing Ive ever had in my life, Kevin,. Why he loves me so much I dont know,. I didnt do anything that spectacilur or speacil, not in my mind, Yes I gave him a , and yes I stayed by his side even when hes been gone for so long, Ive never told him no that Im sorry I just cant be there for you, Ive only tried to do my best as his wife, but I never feel the pride that he has in me,. I never see what he sees, I never feel like he desrves me, always think he desrves so much better, someone that can give him everything in this world that he could ever have and achive, that I jsut simply cannot. I meet friends that I really know would bend over backwards for me but in the same note, I cant accept the help, doesnt ever feel right. Feels wrong and out of place. I want to hold someone so close and not have to be afraid im breakin a vow or doing sumthing wrong just because its to personal, I want to be held, and told that it will be ok, need that reasrance so bad sometimes but there again,. I cant get it from no one cause it would be too much of a personal loving act, How do we manage to live in this world with a crowd of people and still feel so alone,? To miss someone so much that you know that you cant reach out to them or show your weaker sides because they are spoused to see you as strong as you was when you met when you had nothing,. nothing to offer and coulda cared less if you had more or not, where is that person I used to be,? The one that didnt give two shits about someone else or their feelings, the girl that had no home no income, no life, no nothing,. was happy as hell then, might have had a few ups and downs but carefree none the less. Stress free even more so. I know in due time things will be alright, I know in my haert this as anything this will pass and I should not let it get me down, But I do. Its my nature, if somethings broke your spoused to fix it, I cant fix everything tho, I cant do every thing by myself, Im not as strong as I used to be, I was stronger when I buryed my , I was stronger when I was in loveless, hateful marriage, I was stronger when I had a point to prove, Where am I now,? What points do I have to prove,? What is it I have to do to get that stronger person back that cant be moved by bullshit, that can take it as it comes and brush it off my shoulder with a smile and just be able to walk away? Would it be more of having to prove to myself this time that Im not as worthless as I think, or Im not as ugly inside as I feel, who am I kidding,.. Of course everything will be alright,. we all gotta die at sum point and time right,? Id like to see a bill collector try to find me in hell, or my ex husband give me shit, or all these little petty problems get to me, all the things that I cant fix, that I so wished I could. I know who I live for, My ,. I know who I love,. My husband, ,. I also know that its still very lonley being me, The life I chose,.as a Military Wife,. bad part is,. I still wouldnt change it no matter how lonley,. no matter how fusterated,. no matter, Im here , No one else. Im here.   Evily Yours Mistress Angel,.. |
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