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| Blogs > myelin36 > Dirty Little Secrets |
Mixed Messages
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Mixed Messages Last week I met with a married couple for a consult. During the consult the wife posed this question to her spouse, "If you don't love or care about me, why do you stay and continue to have sex with me?" His reply, "Because you are just a convenient hole to fuck." The spouse admitted he had been done with his marriage for the last several years but had accompanied her to the appointment to reiterate that he was not in love with her. Interesting enough, he became teary-eyed while sharing the pain and anguish that she put him through with her drug addiction. (I had to wonder how he could get an erection for someone he so clearly seemed to despise.) Men, I get that you are hurt. It sucks. Being vindictive and spiteful is childish. For Pete's sake, if you are done with somebody, fucking end it. Quit sending mixed messages and playing games. Have you ever held on to a relationship when you knew that it was over? Why did you stay? |
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I could not of said it any better, except that it works both ways ! This is not just a male problem.
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I have talked to many male friends with wives or GFs that have experienced the same thing. Women are no different & sometimes much worse.
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6/22/2016 6:54 am |
No, I have been very lucky (or unlucky as the case may be) in that usually the relationships (when over) have been very clearly over to both parties and we have parted ways. That said, it's interesting how it rarely has ever been both feeling "it's over" at the same time. But, it's pretty apparent that when one has made up their mind, it rarely can be changed...at least in my experience. Now, let's also remember that every relationship has rocky roads and since I always believe in communication, that is the safety valve to losing something that should and can be salvaged...if that makes any sense. But like your other responders have said...it is not a male-only problem and there are a lot of variables.
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For me I would rather end it than try to stay with someone that I don't care about. Would rather spend time alone that with someone that I don't care about. How can you expect to find someone new if you're still with someone old?
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That response is shocking to say the least. I don't know how the wife - if she did - could sit there after hearing that bile come out his mouth, let alone stay with him. Wow, just wow. No, I have never stayed with anyone I was no longer in love with. I still loved them, but that's never enough and also unfair to them as well as me, so I wouldn't do that to anyone. As much as it might hurt I always think it's best to be upfront and honest when you know it's over. There really is no point in prolonging the agony. "I'm always disappointed when a liar's pants don't actually catch on fire..."
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I held on hopefully it would get better. Marriage has a lot of baggage. When things don't change for better and kids were in late teens, I moved out. Those are hash words what he said. Why she not move on?  Cum to my blog and respond.  Have a great kissing fun time. 
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When I found myself loathing my husband, I looked at my attitude and said "self? Love is an illusion. Why did you fall in love with this man to begin with?" and then I studied that for about 6 months and eventually tricked myself into falling in love with him, again. Forward about 6 years (of no orgasms during sex, which should have told me something about how "successful" I was at falling back in love with him) and he just up and decided to leave me about 8 months in the future because (in his words) he was done with being married. I just happened to end it sooner (at the 3 months mark) because I found out about an affair he was having. I vowed to be as honest as I could be in the future. It is hard, but I manage to be honest with myself and with my lovers, Kk The observant make the best lovers, I may not do right, but I do write, I have bliss, joy, and happiness in my life, Kitkat Come check out my blog KItkat1415 check out this post by me Adventures In Body Grooming #39 April Topic Link: What Lies Beneath If April Showers Oh Bloody Hell What Kind Of Weather Turns Me On Bloggers Symposium 40
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I never stay where I am not wanted...and conversely where I don't want to stay.... Click Here To Read A Hot Erotic Story: When A Woman Meets A Stranger Part 1 of 4
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This does go both ways, women have done it to me. But when I have done it, it was because I was waiting for the right time to end it. Aut viam inveniam aut faciam Tips for Guys to Meet Women  Things i miss most about relationships
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Yes, for a time we kept thinking maybe things will change, since we both care about each other and are basically good people. Then we realized that we would be better living our own lives separately. I think she was dependent and didn't want another failed marriage and for me the kids kept coming back and needing us, so their needs trumped mine. I would never show her any disrespect or hurt her intentionally. Life just gets complicated and one does the best they can in the situation they are in.
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Yeah, I stayed too long in my marriage to me ex. I was convinced that there wasn't anything better for me, or for anyone. Neither of us liked the other anymore. She stayed for my paycheck, and I stayed because I was tired of packing up and moving on. I finally realized I'd be better off alone. Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
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I stay because my wife needs a caregiver. She has no one else and if I left she would have no prospects for attracting another husband. She is not even a convenient hole to fuck. She is endless work who gives nothing in return. It's rough. But I stay. My featured post this week: Pulling Fantasy Sex Out of My Ass.
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Some days I did love her but other days I did not... She was mean and spiteful... And it was hard to love her. I finally got out...it was healthy for me. I think I was holding into the memory of her. The memory when we both cherished each other. “Life is available only in the present moment.” Thich Nhat Hanh Come and read my blog! Become a watcher! veryfunnycple64 
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I stay because of her health. We have been haven't had a relationship in over six years and if her health was better she would have moved along time ago. So here I am, the caring husband.
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"Men Quit sending mixed messages and playing games." This has to do more with his nero-biology than psycology. She could be a narcisstic, lazy bitch ( "If you don't love or care about me") after staying with her through recovery she is still questioning his love. But he is pair-bonded to her and his prolactin level keeps him resigned to his fate. He can't dump her untill she cheats on him and breaks the bond. Mega Churches and political fund raisers use this phenomena very effectively. They ask you for a dollar contribution, once you are invested you will again and again fund them. That is why Sanders mailing list is so valuable. Yesterday there was a report that medical doctors were prescribing medications pushed by sales reps if they accepted even a free pizza. Robert Caldini professor of marketing, business and psychology at Stanford University has an awesome book on influence. How investment and obligation makes us do stupid things. Your client dude if fucked. It has nothing to do with his self esteem or spite. He is genuinely stuck neuro chemically. Mindful meditation probably will help. "Rules for happiness: something to do, someone to love, something to hope for.”― Immanuel Kant .
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I think if its not working out I would stay for a 2nd or 3rd chance. But then I would cut it off. But I wouldnt stay because it was a convenient hole Would you stay with someone for purely it was convenient?
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6/25/2016 6:01 am |
I don't know if you will like it myelin...but the whole time I was reading this post...I was hearing a song by Ellie Goulding called "Codes." If you get a chance to listen to it... Hugs
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I think you know it isn't that simple. He likely still loves her but hates the things she has put him through with her addiction problem. People with addictions can be very different from one day/hour to the next and send many mixed messages themselves. They can be nice and loving then hateful and uncaring and even spiteful as they take out their self hate disgust on their partner. She is likely laying a guilt trip on him that you might not even be seeing. He may have been lashing out at her because nothing has worked when trying to save the relationship in the past and now he has given up. She has an addictive dependent attitude/personality and keeps on saying "I love you" but demonstrated her love of her addiction over him very clearly. While he says he ha been done with the relationship for years, that could very well be a realization he only recently came to and has been trying to get through to her but she refuses to accept it and so they find themselves there in your office. On and on etc. Vive La Difference
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