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Blogs > smartgirlinaz > Just a girl in the world

Getting married again?  

smartgirlinaz 50F
86 posts
3/2/2009 9:24 pm
Getting married again?

A friend asked me recently how I felt about getting married again, and it's a question I've thought about quite a bit. For those who aren't my close friends, I will give you the Reader's Digest version of my history with marriage. I got married in 2002 to a man that I was hopelessly in love with. When I took my vows, I really took them to heart. My parents had been married 8 times between them, and I had vowed to choose my husband very carefully, and then work as hard as I could to make it work.

Five years later, I was working furiously to improve my marriage. My (now ex-) husband was emotionally abusive, self-centered, and in such denial of his own actions that he'd convinced me this was all my fault. I was too demanding, too emotional, too needy, and that furthermore since I was the only one that wasn't happy, I was the one that needed to change. Meanwhile, of *course* he was happy - I was bending over backwards to make sure of that, while he was contributing nothing.

In the aftermath of this whole healing process I have asked myself many times, "Why did you put up with this?" "Why did you let it get so bad?" Part of it is that of course it didn't get bad all at once, like the adage of the frog placed in water that is slowly heated and he never jumps out. But, a big part of it was my committment to marriage.

I really did intend to stick with him in good times and bad, sickness and health... you know all that stuff. I promised. This was just a bad time. Right? He was sick. Right? While both of those things were true, it went way beyond what a good marriage should be. Nobody is perfect, but it's also true that one person cannot a marriage make.

I was listening to a radio talk show today, and the host was talking about people that are in abusive relationships and how to get out of them. They mentioned that one important thing is coming to terms with what you (the abused) are getting out of it. They said that you would not be in that relationship if you were not getting something out of it, and recognizing that was important.

What came to mind for me is that what I was getting out of it was 'being married.' I had my ego wrapped around making this work. I would not make the 'same mistakes' that my parents had. And I had been SOOO sure that he was 'the one,' that it had to be true and there must be something I was missing, something else I should be doing or saying that would make it work.

I think that being married is also part of what led my husband to act so complacent. Despite everything we'd gone through leading up to it, he told me, "I never really thought you would leave me. You promised." Of course, he did not detail the promises he'd made and broken.

So, will I get married again? Today, I'm thinking the chances are slim. Since I don't want , that does not play into the equation. I've also had experience here on Local Adult Companion with relationships that are open. I like the concept of someone being with me simply and only because they choose, not because they promise. I've had enough of obligatory love. I've put in my time with the bad and sick. And I also know myself well enough to know that I am a person that cares about people. I'm not the type to run at the first hint of trouble, or bail and then come back. I'm steady and loyal by nature, and I don't need to promise anything to be that way.

I certainly want to find a man that I want to spend forever with. But, I'm a little fuzzy on what 'forever' really means in this context. As long as you remain the person I think you are? And I'm certainly sure that marriage isn't a requirement for the kind of love I want to share with someone. To me, it seems like I've attached too much of my own baggage to marriage. I am sure that I could work through it, and probably would if it were important to my partner, but right now I'm thinking I'll just leave it in the closet for a while.

970d1dpdmd 49M

3/2/2009 10:38 pm

 Awh. I feel 4 ur hurt feelings and a lost marriage. I'm sorry U got hurt like that. Sounds like U were the perfect wife a "man" could ask 4! And yes, nobody is perfect but we all have to work on it.It certanly can't just work one way!Dam! Life goes on-I hope?


hard222swallow 52M
894 posts
3/2/2009 10:42 pm

 I feel much the same. Been in codependent relationships that were awful for both of us; but neither of us would let it go because we didn't want to quit. Then we ended up suffocating each other to death. And when we weren't doing that we were fighting.

It was better that we called it off. And I'm pretty sure if we had fixed some broken things along the way, it would have been fine. But we didn't. So it became toxic. It never detoxified after that. It just kept getting worse.

Who was it, Dr. Drew?


smartgirlinaz 50F
113 posts
3/3/2009 4:37 am
    Quoting 970d1dpdmd:
    Awh. I feel 4 ur hurt feelings and a lost marriage. I'm sorry U got hurt like that. Sounds like U were the perfect wife a "man" could ask 4! And yes, nobody is perfect but we all have to work on it.It certanly can't just work one way!Dam! Life goes on-I hope?
It's sort of annoying that as a standard member, I can't respond unless I quote... oh well.

Thanks for your sympathy. I wasn't perfect but I do have to say I did really well. I'm proud of how I acted. I just wish I'd been smart enough to get out before I did.

But yes, life definitely goes on. I left him almost 2 years ago, and I'm feeling a lot more sane these days. I've met wonderful men who care about and appreciate me, even though I haven't found a real love match yet. Most of all I've learned more about myself and my needs, and I realize now that I can trust myself.


smartgirlinaz 50F
113 posts
3/3/2009 4:58 am
    Quoting hard222swallow:
    I feel much the same. Been in codependent relationships that were awful for both of us; but neither of us would let it go because we didn't want to quit. Then we ended up suffocating each other to death. And when we weren't doing that we were fighting.

    It was better that we called it off. And I'm pretty sure if we had fixed some broken things along the way, it would have been fine. But we didn't. So it became toxic. It never detoxified after that. It just kept getting worse.

    Who was it, Dr. Drew?
It is so hard to tell when you have reached the 'point of no return.' Most people seem to understand that relationships are not smiles and flowers all the time and they take work. But how much work is too much??

For me, as much as I am stubborn and don't want to give up on anything that's important to me, I know that a big part of the key to why I stayed so long was that we were married. If he had been my live-in boyfriend, I would have made different choices and left sooner. And it would have been better.

I do think that is sort of the point of marriage - to bind you more tightly to the other person. When it works, it keeps you together through the bad times long enough that you can have a chance to fix the broken things. But it only works if the broken things are fixable to begin with, and both share responsibility for fixing them.

This was a random show on XM Radio, with a psychologist named Dr. Debbie.


jeepsR4fun 57M
106 posts
1/23/2020 9:20 pm

 So very many tings to say ,But My pillows call to me. Maybe after the sleep and Mucnhkins I could go in depth. But after an almost 20 year marriage to a not even a year marriage think I will wait.


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