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Blogs > 49AK > Out of the Ordinary

Monogamy, Cheaters, and Can You Love More Than One?  

49AK 62M
646 posts
9/23/2005 3:26 pm

Last Read:
3/18/2009 8:49 pm
Monogamy, Cheaters, and Can You Love More Than One?

Perhaps it is just an excuse when I tell people I am not everyone's cup of tea. What I mean is, I am probably not going to be anyone's life partner, and I am probably not going to date just one person. I enjoy women, and I love the women I am with.

I have gone through periods of monogamy in my life. However, I have had some other periods in my life where I have been with more than one woman at a time. At one point in the past I was 'stepping out', and while there was certainly a lot of excitement, with that forbidden relationship, it is ultimately more destructive than constructive, because you're inherently dishonest about an important piece of that primary relationship, and that is the trust that you have and that you're puting at risk by being dishonest.

In my current situation, it is a lot more healthy. I love my primary partner, and I love the situation that we're in. I also love a secondary partner, and that love for her is no less valid than the other. But it is different... The interesting thing is that there doesn't seem to be a bottom to the love well... What I mean is, that if I love one of them more, it doesn't necessarily mean I love the other less. I love them both... and I could probably love a third, too.

In fact, as my life progresses, and I move on to new partners, I find that unless something happened with an old partner that has soured me on them, I don't really love them any less, either. Of course, love and relationships change and grow all the time, and I am not saying in any way that they're static. But the existence of others in my life doesn't diminish my feelings for the first... even if the first is no longer a regular part of my life.

Earlier this year, I met someone that was interested in me, but she was married, and was stepping out on her husband. I was surprised at my reaction to her, that I was not terribly tolerant of her and her situation. I told her several times that I would have been a lot more comfortable with her if she spoke to her primary partner, and at least let him know that she was going to pursue a sexual relationship with another man. I claimed at the time that my objections were practical; I didn't want the jealous husband tracking me down. However, the more that I dealt with her, the more frustrated I got with her, and it had to do not with how she related to her husband, but how she related to me. Because her relationship with me was illicit, she treated me very second-class-- she would only make plans when to see me when she could fit me in with something else. [It sounds from what I just wrote that we had something going on, but in fact, we only met for coffee once, and the plans that I am talking about were plans to go to dinner, not to have sex -- We hadn't gotten that far yet.]

So one day, I called her on it, when she sent me a message saying that she was getting together with another friend on a certain day, and that she could squeeze me in. I told her that I was hurt that she would make time to see another friend, and 'fit me in', rather than making time to see me. I know this sounds petty, but her attitude made me feel like I wasn't important to her, and I didn't want to be involved with someone like that.

So what's the point of all this? The point is that yes, you can love more than one person, and more than one at a time. And also, there are numerous advantages to allowing sunshine into your polyamorous adventures; not the least of which is that it allows you to actually love all your partners, rather than objectifying them.

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