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The Single Man's Guide to Not Completely Fucking Up Your Chances to Get Laid, Part 3
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The Single Man's Guide to Not Completely Fucking Up Your Chances to Get Laid, Part 3 You know the stuff; there are blogs full of it here. People get to thinking that they can command sensuality, eroticism, and romance, as if they have the skills of Leonard Cohen. Usually, the resulting dreck is as about as sensual, erotic, and romantic as Sacha Baron-Cohen. Except Borat, at least, was in on his own joke. With blog poetry, the joke is on the reader. Anyway, I promise this stuff will be short, sweet, and in the vein of "Man from Nantucket." Scout's honor. I wrote two posts on the subject of advice to single men; most of my readers were female. I high-fived myself, and wrote a post about how the ladies would soon blog about insight into what turns them on in a man. Again, an overwhelming contingent of female readers. Here's where I drew an incorrect conclusion. I thought to myself, "If I can attract female readers by blogging about subjects that appeal to men, think how many female readers I can attract by blogging about subjects that appeal to women." So, I post one tiny poll about sexual fantasies, and in comes a flood of single men. Hi guys, welcome to the blog. Glad you're here. Well … Annie's glad you're here, at least. Take off some clothes and stay a while. And, yes, that means take off your damn socks, too; I shouldn't have to tell you that. And, guys, if you haven't read through some of my recent posts, let me say again that, next month, Annie will fuck one of you, of my choice. I haven't revealed a lot of details, but you should still go read this post (If you have a short attention span, skip straight to the bottom.), and become a watcher of my blog. Incidentally, that poll about sexual fantasies is still up. So, please go answer it. Thanks. Actually, I'm guessing the flood of single men comes from Nicoletta's referral that any guys looking to fuck a hot babe (i.e., Annie) should come over here. Annie and I want to clarify, though, that as glad as she is to see single men, we are even more glad to be contacted by a woman or couple. Being a simple-minded fellow, what I'm concluding from this experience is that, if I write for single men, women come to read my blog. If I write for a wider audience, my blog becomes such a sausage factory that Oscar Mayer starts trying to buy me out. With that, I'm returning to my bread-and-butter, and presenting to you the third installment of To those of you just joining us, I recommend you go back and read the first two parts of this series. The Single Man39s Guide to Not Completely Fucking Up Your Chances to Get Laid The Single Man39s Guide to Not Completely Fucking Up Your Chances to Get Laid, Part 2 If you didn't read those posts, let me give you a 14 oz. can of the sweetened, condensed version. I keep company with two beautiful women who are constantly being solicited on Local Adult Companion by single men. Most of the passes made at them are so bad they are hilarious. I'm giving you guys a peek at my behind-the-scenes life so that you can learn from the mistakes other guys have made. We need to talk about your ability to talk to women. Based on the emails and chats I've seen, a lot of you have zero conversational ability. I'm surprised that you can order dinner in restaurants with female servers. Do you try to order a ribeye, medium-rare, with a baked potato, and end up getting a slap across the face from the waitress? If so, here are a few tips. First, have something to say. It can be hard to get the attention of a woman on this site, yet when some of you get it, you don't even use it. Just because you spat some random collection of ill-spelled words into an email does not mean you said something. If no information was conveyed, you should'nt've wasted your time. In my last installment, I alluded briefly to the worst offender of this type of all time. Let me tell you the whole story. One evening, I was sitting with Nicoletta, and we were both browsing Local Adult Companion when a message appeared in her inbox. The subject line was simply, "Hey." Nicoletta opened the message, revealing the shocking contents: The entire body of the message also consisted only of the word. "Hey." Nicoletta was pissed. "What the fuck? 'Hey. Hey.' That's it?" "He figures all you need is an invitation to throw yourself on his penis, dear." I said. "Like that's ever going to happen." "Just ignore him. He'll go away." "Hell, no!" She was pissed at this guy. "He's annoyed me enough that I want to fuck with him." "But not fuck him?" "Not a chance. Maybe I'll tell him I want to poop on him." "Meh," I said. "You've done that." "Any better ideas?" I thought for a minute. "If all he said was 'Hey,' why don't you write him this: "Hay is for horses, And for other livestock. My ass belongs to Pedro. Your hand will do for your cock." She gave me the sort of look that can only come from an evil genius realizing that someone else is even more evil and even more of a genius. Then, she immediately started typing the response. But she didn't finish. Nic's a smart girl; too smart for my own good. She looked up at me with her eyes narrowed in the way they get when she catches me doing something I shouldn't be doing. "Wait a minute. You're trying to get me to acknowledge in writing some claim you've staked to my ass, aren't you?" "Ummmm … well … you see … can you really blame a guy?" She shot me a dirty look, the exact opposite of the look I had gotten when I came up with the poem. "I'm just going to send 'Hey' right back to him. Give him a taste of his own medicine, and see how he likes it." "He's annoyed you, so you plan on punishing him by giving him the attention he sought from a beautiful woman? Brilliant plan. All you need is a Boris to your Natasha." She did it anyway. Within minutes, another message came in from the guy. I knew this immediately because she emits this sound like a half-scream, half-frustrated-groan when she gets a particularly stupid email. I think of it as a kind of verbal facepalm. "What was his response, dear?" I asked without looking up from my own computer. "'How about we meet for dinner or a drink.' Really? God, what a douche!" "He's not a douche, dear. A douche, by definition, has a very good chance of getting into your pussy." "He seriously thinks I'm going to run out and meet him for drinks because I said 'Hey?'" "No, he thinks you're going to fuck him because you said, 'Hey.' Should've gone with the poetry." Before we continue with this story, let's discuss what this guy did wrong. Why did he bother contacting a woman if he had nothing to say? When you talk to a woman, you are doing it because you want something. For most of you, it's sex. Some of the more pathetic gentlemen here are merely satisfied with getting the lady's attention. Others want something more elaborate, like someone to give them an oatmeal enema, or a string of abusive language, or to know the name of the color of lipstick she's wearing in her profile picture. But whatever you want, you aren't going to get it without saying something — even if all you want is her attention. Sending an email that says nothing but "Hi," no matter how many words you stretch it to with meaningless BS, is no more of an attention-getter than nodding at a woman you pass on the sidewalk. Think back to all of the women you've nodded at as you passed them on the sidewalk. How many of them have immediately stripped naked and pounced lustfully on you? Some of you manage to say something and still convey no information at all. "would u be interested in meeting for some erotic fun" is the entire text of an email Annie received recently. Well, sir, as our profile indicates, we enjoy that activity very much. And you've conveyed to us nothing more than that you would like to do so, as well; information that is easily accessible in your profile. So, you told us nothing more by email than you would have by flirting, assuming your email was a sexual overture and not an invitation to come over to your house and watch Dangerous Liaisons. Before I give you some pointers on what you should say to women, let's finish our story about Mr. Hey, and demonstrate what you should never say. Nic was at a loss for a response to our incompetent emailer. She was pretty frustrated and angry, too much so to simply ignore him, much less talk to him. But she did have an idea for how to turn the situation into something constructive. She decided to email him links to parts 1 and 2 of "The Single Man's Guide to Not Completely Fucking Up Your Chances to Get Laid." Don't tell her, but I think this is way more flattering than her writing that her ass belongs to me. So, she pecked away at her computer for a few minutes, and then she looked up at me with that look she gets when she wants me to do something for her. Her eyes got all big, and her voice got soft and sweet, and she said "Pedro, can you show me how to link to a blog post in an email?" To digress for one moment: I don't believe for a second that she needed my help. She's easily smart enough to figure that out on her own. But the ladies haven't yet figured out that they'd be much happier just getting rid of me and living as a lesbian couple. And, since I actually have no useful functions, they try to stroke my ego sometimes and make me feel useful by pretending they need me for something. I was happy to "help" her. But sending him the links did not at all lead to the outcome she desired. The email she got back from Mr. Hey was downright hostile. He told her that he wanted girls that wanted to have fun, not girls like her. He told her that he wasn't going to jump through any hoops just so he could fuck her. And he told her that he wished he had never emailed her. The single worst impression you can make on a woman is that you are hostile toward women. I touched on this in my last post, when I told you guys to never say anything bad (or anything at all) about your ex. Yet, between Mr. Hey and a recent blog commenter dubbed "Mr. Bitter" by the ladies, we've learned that there are a lot of guys on here that spout hostility toward the very women they presumably are hoping to fuck. So, let me say this as plainly as possible: women don't like misogynistic guys, bitter guys, or guys with chips on their shoulders. Mind your manners, watch your tone, and be a gentleman. If you do, you may get a chance to do ungentlemanly things. If you don't, the best experience you will have on Local Adult Companion will be jerking off while you look at the pretty pictures; the closest you'll get to sex with a woman will be if you paint your nails first. The worst part about Mr. Hey's attitude was that he had the chance to turn his failure to his favor. Nicoletta sent him links to blog posts about guys making mistakes when hitting on women. He should've realized that his initial approach had failed and, instead of resenting Nic for it, manned up, apologized, and changed his tactics. Mr. Hey didn't even follow the links: his username appears nowhere on my list of blog visitors. The women on this site are surprisingly forgiving creatures. You can make a pretty good impression on one just by apologizing for fucking up, because an awareness of your mistakes and a willingness to accept responsibility for them puts you head and shoulders above most of the guys on this site. If Mr. Hey had tried this, he would've had a very good chance to get laid — better than the average guy who contacts Nicoletta. But he got pissed and bitter, and threw away his opportunity. If you don't believe me, let me tell you something that happened this week. Annie was approached by a man in whom she had some interest, but who had just written an insulting comment on Nicoletta's blog. Since Nicoletta is her best friend, this distressed her a little (Nicoletta actually didn't care, since she had already determined she was never going to fuck the guy.). I didn't like what this said about the guy's character, and put him on the do-not-fuck list. But the guy manned up, and publicly made a very graceful apology to Nic. Annie was impressed enough that she's now working her calendar to find a date she can fuck him. A positive attitude can change a failure into a success. So, what should you say to a woman? Well, you want to show your interest in her, and generate an interest in you. How do you show an interest? The first step is to read her profile. The second step is to read her profile. Now, some of you may be thinking to yourselves that I said that twice. Some of you may be thinking that I used this exact same joke in my last post to single men. To the latter group, I say "Quiet, you. I'm working here." To the rest of you, there's a reason I said that twice: most of you are ignoring it. In fact, just in case anyone missed it, here it his again: When I say, "Read her profile," I don't mean "look at the pictures." I don't mean "skim her profile looking for things you like." I don't mean "look at the pictures." I know, I'm repeating myself, but I'm hoping to train some of you through repetition. Here we go one more time: read her profile. The whole thing. All of it. Including her blog, if she has one — blogs are great sources of information about their bloggers. And female bloggers generally expect you to have read their blog. You do have my blessing to skip any blog poetry; you're welcome for that favor. Suppose you're a standard member, and can't see her profile? Remember in installment #1 of this series, when I told you that you needed to have either a vagina or a paid membership? What part of that did you not understand? Open your pants and look inside … do you see a pussy? No? Then what are doing with a standard membership? There may still be hope for you: check her blog, and see if she's posted a copy of her profile there for the benefit of standard members. Otherwise, find a way to read it or stop wasting everyone's time. What are your options, really? You could send her an email saying, honestly, "I can't read your profile, but you look interesting and I'd like to learn more about you." On the surface, that looks good. But answer me this, Einstein: why do you think she looks interesting when you know nothing about her? You'd better be able to answer that question, because, if she doesn't just completely ignore you, she's going to expect the answer. Maybe you know something about her from her blog, or just from a comment she's written on a blog or in a group? If not, expect to have yet another date with Miss Rosy Palm in your future. Let's examine what kind of impression you make if you don't read her profile. Annie and I recently got an email that said, in part, "By the way my name is [redacted to protect the stupid] what is yours?" Well, sir, let's have a gander at our profile, shall we? Turns out, the very first sentence is, "We are Annie & Pedro." Also, we copied our profile into a blog post for standard members, and our names are in the blog header. We did everything but emboss our names onto a gold plaque and send it to your home via certified mail. If you don't know them, you must be either particularly unintelligent, or simply not care enough about us to bother doing more than skim our page. And, if you have that little regard for Annie, what makes you think she cares enough about you to fuck you? So, you've read her profile. Now, determine if this woman would be at all interested in you. If you aren't what she wants, just walk away. You aren't going to change her mind. Plus, if you're writing to women that don't want you, that means you're desperate; you aren't going to successfully get laid until you get that taken care of. Right now, a lot of guys just read the above paragraph, and are thinking "He doesn't mean me. The ladies love me; even the ones who don't know it yet." To them, I say: Yes, I mean you. I very specifically mean you. And no one loves you except your mother and yourself; get over it. Don't contact women who specifically say they are looking for something that you are not. As I write this, I know that the message still isn't getting through to you. Let me phrase it another way, so it will make more of an impact. Instead of talking about single men ignoring women's desires to not be hit on, I'm going to talk about single, straight men being hit on by gay and bisexual men. Now, guys, imagine yourself as the pursued party here. Uncomfortable? Of course you are. Is there even the slightest chance in hell that this man's persistent contacts are going to change your sexual orientation and make you suddenly crave a big cock in your ass? I don't think you need me to answer that question. Once, a bi man took a fancy to your humble blogger. I have a few pictures of myself on our profile; it gives the women something to ignore; most of them would rather look at the pictures of Annie, just like the guys do. But I put them there anyway, on the off-chance I ever get to be the feature presentation. This man went through every picture of me and left a flattering comment. I never again want another man to tell me I have a nice cock. If another man ever again says anything positive about my penis, he had better be my urologist. I've got nothing but love for gay and bisexual men. I mean that strictly: there is only love, no lust at all. None. Zero. Zilch. So, why did he bother? I think of him like the construction workers that make catcalls at women walking by. Do they really think a wolf-whistle is going to convince some random woman in the street to climb up there and ravish a dirty construction worker? It is a tactic with zero chance of success; the best case scenario is the target feeling less uncomfortable that would reasonably be expected. Actually, Annie tells me that, when she was a , she had to walk daily by a construction site, and was routinely wolf-whistled and catcalled at. I think it gave her a little thrill that persists to this day. But most women aren't like Annie, and even Annie didn't actually fuck any of them. Though I sometimes tease her that, one day, I'm going to put her in a sexy outfit and walk by a construction site with strict orders to give the first guy that whistles at her the best day on the job of his whole life. So, now that all this talk of gay men has made my straight, single male readership uncomfortable, let's draw this analogy to its logical conclusion. She means you. Another digression: A single male reader asked me to write about gay and bi men hitting on straight men. Of course, I don't actually give a toss about single men or what they want. But he was smart — he asked Nicoletta to ask me to do it. Nic's got this thing she does with her facial expression; she can take it from zero to totally seductive in less than two seconds, and she can get me to do just about anything she wants that way. So, to my requestor: that's almost my entire experience on the subject. Hope you enjoyed it! So, you've read the woman's profile, and you've determined that you are eligible to contact her. Lucky you. You need to say something substantive, but what? Well, you need to make sure that you tailor your message just to her, based on the information you've gleaned from her profile. Mention things that she mentioned; let her know you're interested in her, and not just in her sexy profile picture. The first thing you want to do leave a positive impression of yourself. Starting with humor is not a bad opener, if you can pull it off right. I hope you know if you can or not, but experience tells me that a man who can't make a woman crack a smile will always think that he's the reincarnation of Oscar Wilde. So, be careful with this tactic! Ideally, have someone vet your humor for you, and make sure it doesn't fall flat. Of course, if you had someone to do that for you, I guess you wouldn't be a single male, would you? So, in lieu of that, observe these few tips: I'm going to give you two examples of humor in an initial contact, and how one worked, and one fell flat. Then, class is dismissed for the day. Remember Mr. "erotic fun?" The guy with the email that conveyed no new information? The worst part of his fail was that he initially made a good impression with humor; he had a funny username. It was a dick joke; but, remember, guys, when you solicit a couple, you are likely talking to the husband. I am a 37-year-old man with the libido of an 18-year-old and the sense of humor of a 5-year-old boy. Dick jokes go a long way with me. When the email came in, the first thing I said — before even reading it — was, "Dear, you may have to go fuck this guy." Nicoletta and Annie were both sitting in the room, and said simultaneously, "Me?" I asked Nicoletta, "If I could make you have sex with men on command, don't you think you'd be over here right now having sex with me?" She rolled her eyes at me, and told Annie, "I think he means you." Annie obediently read the guy's email and profile, and decided that she probably wouldn't fuck him. That was the story about the humor that worked. That story might have been a bit counterproductive, since the humor worked, but the sexual solicitation did not. There are two things you should learn from this. One, Pedro can't make a clear point. Two, humor is an opener, but not a closer. It can get her attention, but it won't make her fuck you. Let me tell you about the humor that failed. The male member of a couple wrote us, and tried to impress us with his sense of humor. His line? "I just discovered this website called 'People of Wal-Mart.' Go check it out. It's hilarious. I guess that shows you we've got a sense of humor, huh?" Yes, he actually pointed out that he was showing off his sense of humor. That was actually kind of a good thing, since his sense of humor was so insignificant to be unobservable if he hadn't pointed me to it. Do you know what our reaction was? That's right, I said to myself, "Buddy, you're lucky your wife is really hot." 'Cause she was, and her husband's lame joke wasn't going to stop Annie and I from hitting that. So, we grimaced, and wrote them back to set up a date. What I did there … where they guy from the unsuccessful humor story got laid, and the guy from the successful humor story didn't? that's called "unintentional irony." It indicates that your storyteller is incapable of telling a coherent story. If you've been reading this blog, that shouldn't really come as a surprise to you. But, there's something you can learn from this story, too. Because of your easy availability, you single men are held to a much higher standard than we married men are. If you have no ability to tell a joke, women are going to hold it against you. If, on the other hand, a man married to a hot babe can't tell a joke, they let him write his own blog. That's all for this time. Next time, we'll cover what you ought to say to a woman after your cleverness and originality has gotten her attention. Until then: we've had three lessons; by now, I expect you all to be junior Casanovas. So, don't disappoint me: get out there and have sex. And watch this space for the next time Nicoletta gets bored and demands I write a blog post for her amusement. See, my blog poetry wasn't so bad. |
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Great stuff Pedro although you would assume that this information is common sense! I guess b/c it is a sex site, most assume that individuals are extremely desperate and willing to settle for anyone with a pulse! Also, I think another major problem, as you correctly pointed out, is not only READING, but comprehension as well  You, Annie, and Nic are very funny and entertaining...Keep up the good work (without giving away too many tips to these lazy individuals that don't want to put forth any effort)!
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What was that middle thing?
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 , nicely said.
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