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| Blogs > MsStig2010 > Meanwhile Back At The Ranch |
The one where Ms Stig comes clean
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The one where Ms Stig comes clean I've hesitated to post anything recently for the standard variety of excuses ( I'm busy, I'm uninspired, I'm lame, I'm not getting laid,ect) but mostly because this is post 100. From other blogs I follow 100 is a soft milestone. TV shows celebrate 100 episode, people aim to run 100 miles in a month, 100 is kind of a big deal. So I balked. What words could I say to make this seemingly BIG deal post be a legit big deal? The pressure was on to be witty, adorbs, search the bottom of my soul and write! Must find gifs and pics and memes, oh my! But I didn't. Instead, I'm sitting here in my little apartment, dogs snoring, and in my pjs. Writing. In the throes of another monumental life change. I turn to this blog to work out my thoughts. Lately these thoughts have been bigger than me. With thoughts come feelings and truth be told I'm tired of feeling. I often address my emotional retardation because what normal functioning adult doesn't want to feel shit? This person who has a long standing relation with feelings of disappointment, failure, and hurt. Deep hurt. I don't give myself time to properly mourn things because true to my nature all things must be black and white. Ok, shit happened, it sucked, onward! I've basically spent 25+ years ( oh shit you read that right! I've been like this for a loooong time) brushing things under the rug. Want to know what happens when you do that? Borderline mental breakdown that results in your mom hopping on a plane last minute to come sleep on your couch for 5 nights to set things somewhat straight. I have to write this out so I can accept it: had my mom not been here I would have hurt myself. There. I'm fulling admitting that I, Miss Stig, who has gone to some scary places led by depression, was actually planning to do something irreversible. It took a few nights talking to my mom and figuring out how to vocalize my thoughts and slowly reaching out to people to pull me out of the hole. It took a night of margaritas and Mexican food for the light bulb to pop up and for me to realize things won't suck so bad that day, and that's been a mantra lately. The thing of it is, and let's not beat around the bush here, the realness and tangibility of suicide doesn't register. What I wanted was an escape, a time out from life to do who knows what. Taking the bitch way out of having to face several years long issues. I can face most other issues in my life head on like a boss, matter of fact it's an admired and well observed trait that my friends and family love about me. But confronting my family about our family problems, about how certain episodes in my hood have molded me into this person and I hate it, and a fuzzy recollection of possible sexual abuse at the hands of a family member I choose to be a coward and shift focus elsewhere. I can't do it. I can't ignore conflicts for my own personal benefit but also as an exams to my niece and nephew. I can't mistreat myself and I need to start moving myself forward to better things. When did I lose the passion I was once known for? The goals, the big dreams? What the fuck happened to the zeal and thirst for life? It's disgusting how I enthused I have been about living. This life of mine is here for a reason, and even though I figured out years ago my purpose is something I will never know immediately, a little acknowledgment that I'm moving in the right direction would be nice. I have spent many a sleepless night throwing my thoughts out to the universe begging for a sign. I may never get it but I'm not going to stop asking. All that said, it's a huge relief to write this out. A friend told me it's visible that I've been carrying a weighted burden, and it pained her to see me like this. My actions affect people more than I thought, and I need to readjust myself. I'm sure once I get myself sorted out ill have something sexy and scandalous to we tire about, but for now it's life. The anonymity of this blog helps as you don't know me and there is a small fear of judgment and ridicule of airing this out to personal peeps in my life. If this post made you uncomfortable, it may be because it struck a personal chord with you or you suspect someone you know is in a similar spot. I know without the support of friends as family I wouldn't have made the movement to go forward, so I recommend that you reach out to someone in your life. You never know when that unexpected " how are you doing" could present an opportunity to someone to get out of that dark place and talk. Sorry for the heavy shit tonight, but this is life and this is now. I just need to start living. All pretty girls are a trap, a pretty trap, and men expect them to be. |
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If you don't have a way to get stuff out, be that talking or working in a shelter or fighting evil in a cowl and cape, it will eat you from the inside. Smart as a horse and hung like Einstein.
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Blogging is a good release from what you may be feeling or going through.You seem like a strong person and letting things out like you are doing now is a release. Take things as they come and act accordingly. So with that said things will get better, Just keep doing the right thing and the end will justify the means. Pure and simple cutie. Mik
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sounds like your ready for change that's a great time to be alive at the cross streets of sick in tired of being sick and tired and ready for change! Keep livin, lovin, and learning! Good things come to those who bust their ASS and never give up on their hopes and dreams! Persistence pays off.... it has for me!
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