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| Blogs > New2Midlo > Fun with a normal white guy... |
Confessions of a Former Womanizer
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Confessions of a Former Womanizer Yes, I just admitted to having been a womanizer at one point in my life and opened myself up to the scorn of my female readers. If you’ve read my previous posts, I like to remain as close to bulletproof as possible. So, why the hell would I expose myself in this way? I read a blog post, earlier today, written by a woman who had a man romance her, then sleep with her, and then bolt. She was genuinely confused and hurt over what took place. I wanted to share why men act in this manner, from the perspective of someone who knows exactly what goes on in the jerk’s mind. To reinforce what many women already know (but still get bruised), which is – When a guy bolts like this, it almost never is the result of shortcomings he sees in you, rather it’s driven by those he sees in himself. Also, I wrote it so that other men will recognize their own challenges and take action to break their cycle. What follows are my own personal experiences and rather raw admissions, as well as some of what I found, when I did some research a few years ago. I’m not a trained mental health professional; this post is not intended to diagnose, treat, blah blah blah. This post is not meant to excuse the behavior. I know I hurt a number of women and for that, I’m ashamed. There was a period of time, after I separated from my wife, where I slept with a large number of women. It was the same pattern over and over. Seduce them, sleep with them once or maybe twice, and then bail, often leaving them hurt. Yep, that’s what a womanizer does. And you’re probably thinking I was reveling in boosting my body count and feeling like a stud. The truth is it left me ashamed, feeling cheap and dirty. I can’t speak for all men, but if you’re somewhat skilled at luring a woman into your bed, at some point, you don’t care about augmenting your body count. I know I didn’t. I didn’t want to sleep with a bunch of random women, then leave them. What I wanted was to have a genuine loving relationship. Doesn’t make much sense, does it. Some background for you, before I go any further. Those who’ve read my other posts know I was married to a woman with borderline personality disorder. If you’re not familiar with the condition, take a moment to look it up or read about my experience. Go ahead; I’ll wait. The short version, for those who want info in one place, is that borderlines will manipulate you, lie to you, gaslight you, exploit your vulnerabilities, and generally make you feel worthless. Yeah, it sucked and left me with a completely demolished sense of self-esteem and an unhealthy fear of intimacy. Again, feel free to read about that one; but I haven’t really admitted to it here, so you’ll have to look elsewhere for source material. When I left her and got back into the dating world, it was scary as hell. My marriage taught me that being vulnerable to someone was to be avoided at all costs. Vulnerability=Pain=Bad Yet, I knew that a genuine, solid relationship requires vulnerability to your partner. The result was this insane tug of war inside my head, which was depressing on a high order. I ultimately became an alligator and one of the whackjobs I harp on. So, what the fuck was going through my head that would cause me to bolt? There were a few different yet common themes that popped into my head, depending on the situation. But they all centered on a common theme that shouldn’t surprise anyone. The most common one was ‘she’s going to figure out how much of a loser I am; I’d better run before she does and hurts me.’ ‘How am I going to follow this up?’ – It’s easy to capture someone’s attention and entice them toward you. As bad as this sounds, it tends to be a formula. Share this story, flirt this way, show how you’re confident with this anecdote, that you’re warm and caring with another, flirt some more. But, no surprise, you lead with your best material, then panic because you think you don’t have anything left to hold her attention, once you’ve captured it. Of course, that’s bullshit, because women want you to be yourself and not put on a show, once they’ve decided to ‘let you in’. But don’t try to convince your subconscious of that. The Maverick / ‘No, it’s no good.’ – The movie, Top Gun, is full of valuable life lessons. In this case, if you remember when Maverick got back in the air, after killing Goose, he lost his nerve and would disengage, saying ‘No, it’s no good’. I did the same thing, but my rationale for disengaging was built upon as many reasons I could concoct to convince myself a relationship wouldn’t work with this particular woman. What I was not thinking was how I’m going to sleep with as many women as I can and who cares if I hurt them. Again, I’m not trying to excuse the behavior, but I’d be willing to bet that 99% of the guys who act like jerks aren’t making a conscious decision to do so. I’ve read that those with similar issues to what I suffered crave the thrill of the chase more than men without issues. Then they lose interest once the challenge has gone away. I don’t know if I buy into that. After all, what red blooded male doesn’t enjoy the chase? That heady feeling of pursuing a lovely lady and savoring making her yours. That’s great stuff for anyone. Those who suffer with intimacy and/or abandonment issues enjoy a larger number of chases, only because they’re compelled to run away, once the shit gets real. You wind up repeating the cycle more frequently than a well-grounded male. But to say they enjoy it more doesn’t ring true. Perhaps, it becomes a sort of soothing factor to them in the same way being in a relationship sooths men who can have one. I’ll let someone with the proper training weigh in on that. I’m happy and not embarrassed to say I’ve broken my own cycle of behavior. Therapy helped, but recognizing I had an issue and being mindful about allowing those toxic thoughts into my head has paid dividends. Since then, I’ve had one incredible relationship and a few other fulfilling ones. But most importantly, I’ve not slept with, then bolted on a single woman. |
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Come share some scorn.
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2/2/2017 7:14 pm |
The chase is a waste of time. Life is to short to play games when something more meaningful can be pursued.
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It sounds like my story. But I didnt change til past 50.
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