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| Blogs > New2Midlo > Fun with a normal white guy... |
Your Meaningful Relationship With a Married Man Is Neither
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Your Meaningful Relationship With a Married Man Is Neither If you read my previous blog, which discussed unrealistic expectations in dating, and why women who've never been married / had tend be one big red flag, you'll remember the woman who became the sort of poster for both. In that post, I also related how the love of her life was a man married another woman. Over the , I've encountered a few women who've told me the same thing. In fact, I got into a fairly hot debate with another blogger here, when she attempted to defend being involved with a married man. But this most recent one pushed me over the edge to write about the topic. I almost feel the need to thank her for providing such great material for this blog, although I doubt she'd be terribly welcoming of my gratitude. Before we go any further, I'll preface by saying this blog will likely include some rather blunt and nasty sentiments. And lots of sarcasm. I consider repeated and ongoing infidelity to be reprehensible and therefore, have little tolerance or compassion for those who engage in it. Back on topic.. As a basis for discussion, here's what the most recent woman wrote in an email to me, although it's incredibly consistent with what I've heard from the others I've encountered. ...there has been one man in my life who made me feel incredibly sexy, beautiful, and wanted. He was and probably still is absolutely amazing. The only man I have ever loved. We trusted each other against all odds and allowed ourselves to be vulnerable through words, thoughts, and announced feelings. He was also married and it would never be anything but that. Shame on him and shame on me yet the greatest love I have ever felt. Morality Let's get this one out of the way first. For the cheater, I don't think there's much of a debate to be had. He's repeatedly cheating, being unfaithful, trashing his marriage vows, etc. He's a scum bag of the highest order; pretty self-evident stuff. In my opinion, she's not much better, knowingly engaging with a scumbag cheating on his wife. Obviously, the situation changes if she doesn't know he's married, but that takes a special kind of naivete. No, the women I've encountered have all been intelligent enough to know the guy's both married and going to stay that way. Gullibility? While that wonderful man is lying to and cheating on his wife, the other woman believes he's being honest with her. Why would she believe otherwise? Clearly, his actions demonstrate his high level of integrity! My favorite part of her bears repeating: We trusted each other against all odds and allowed ourselves be vulnerable through words, thoughts, and announced feelings. Odds of what, you drama queen? Getting caught sneaking around with a married dude? Maybe that's it, against all odds, we got away with it. Also, I think it's I'd be remiss if I neglected point out the omission of a rather important word here. That word is ACTIONS. As I wrote in my blog about love, it's a verb, and while words are nice say and hear, they mean nothing without the deeds associated with them. And that's why this mess isn't a relationship. But, because he has go home his wife, he gets a pass on that whole action thing. Except for the action he's getting from his side chick, obviously. That's a great gig for him! He's saying all the things she wants hear and she's drinking it in, like some sort of ambrosia. She believes him because why wouldn't she? After all, there has never ever been a man, in the history of civilization, who has said things a woman wants to hear in order to get her into the sac I'm confident enough say I speak for every man on this. It's just something we wouldn't do. Yet, I've heard many women complain about men who do just that; say whatever they need for a roll in the hay. As a matter of fact, the woman who wrote the above, did just that in the same email. It seems those weren't the right words for her swallow. When a woman tries justify how great the cheater she's screwing is, I like ask questions that usually get in trouble, but force her admit things she doesn't want . 'So when the last time he changed a tough to reach light bulb for you? Or got under your car to investigate the odd noise it was making. When you had that awful stomach flu, did he come over and take care of you?' The most common response, after the explanations and justifications (he would if he could, really!), is 'never'. Gullible? I think that's being kind. Affecting Later Relationships When the part ways, how does her experience impact how she views new potential relationships? She has a plethora of fond memories, where her partner is loving, kind, thoughtful, and eager please. He always made their time together seem like a fairy tale. She never considers that he only needed to be this amazing man for a few hours a wee Almost any man can be 'perfect' and 'amazing' for short bursts. But she's not thinking about that because she can feel he truly loves her, he said, sarcastically. She doesn't see how he's let the garage become a disaster area, how he berates his (when he's not ignoring them), or refuses help around the house. How he's a bastard be around, when he's had a bad day at wor She doesn't hear him body shaming his wife. These are are all made up and are not intended describe anyone in particular. However, from the women I've dated who've had their husband cheat on them, they're not far from the truth. Not one told me their ex was a loving man at home. In my experience, men who cheat tend to be neglectful and distasteful husbands. Beyond the cheating obviously. But again, she only sees that perfect man she fell in love with and he becomes the yardstick by which other relationships are measured. That almost always leaves her in a conflicted state. She wants a 'real' relationship, but none can ever measure up to that little utopia the cheater created for her. No one, regardless of how exceptional they are, can be perfect 24/7, yet she somehow thinks otherwise. Other Consequences Finally, an aspect I can't really comment on, because I've no way of seeing into these women's heads. What does an affair like this, really do to a woman's self-esteem? Sure, she feels loved and all that other shit, but in the back of her mind, she knows she'll never be his top priority. It's thrown in her face every time he goes home to his wife, or cancels an interlude because of unexpected family obligations. His words say she's the love of his life but his actions invariably confirm her status as second best. Or does she rationalize it in her obviously malleable mind in some way? For those who've been in this situation and are brave enough, I'd genuinely welcome your input. I'll close with a question to ponder. Certainly, the experience negatively impacts the other woman, but was she already suffering from some sort of issue that made the arrangement attractive in the first place? Feel free to share your thoughts. |
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I'm on a roll this week!
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I've had affairs with married men ... more than once. When one is young and optimistic, then you believe in the impossible. You believe that things will be different for you, this time. As you mature, you learn .... all sorts of things .... about life and love and men and cheaters. Some women learn slowly (if ever). As for myself - at my age, I will occasionally choose the go-nowhere affair as I recover from the could've-gone-somewhere-but-didn't relationship. Love is not in the equation, though. Have YOU ever fallen in love with a married woman? Opportunity may knock only once, but temptation bangs on the door forever!
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Well, I have all sorts of things to say about this post. First, as the friend of women who are stupid enough to have affairs with married men, hoping that they will one day, divorce their wives to marry them- meh! I have had to tell certain friends like Sally does to the Carrie Fisher character in "When Harry Met Sally" that of course, he will never divorce her (his wife)! As the friend in that scenario, you get tired of repeating yourself. I dated for 8 months a man who dated me under another name/identity because... sigh. Because of all sorts of things but he was also married. Once I figured out the alternate identity thing, I didn't care if he was married or not, I was out of there. During that time, I told him that I realized I was poly. So it wasn't the idea that I was upset that he was married (or having sex with other women) it was the idea that he lied to me, lied to his wife and family, and was just a liar. I thought I loved him, but in the end, I had to admit that it was just a pipe dream that he fed me on every Wednesday night. The next guy I dated for 8 months- he was married. Once I figured out he was married (and I asked him in the beginning and he convincingly lied about that. When I did a light research, he was internet savvy enough to cover most of his married life) I just walked out of a lunch without definitive proof he was married. But I would see him almost every Tuesday night, and then sometimes not see him for a week at a time. Never on the weekend. Since I was busy with my life, it just slipped by me. 8 months after I broke up with the guy, his current-at-the-time wife contacted me. I apologized for any stress I may have caused her, and she said he lied convincingly to her for 16 years! But that she had finally figured out who I was, and then contacted me. Through our conversations for about 6 months, she built up the confidence to divorce him. She was emotionally being abused by him, and of course, he had stopped having sex with her about 6 years before she divorced him. It was really an odd situation, and one that I will hold in my journals for a novel I hope to write someday... we did get a couple of laughs out of it, and she is still an acquaintance three years later. Good topic. Kitkat The observant make the best lovers, I may not do right, but I do write, I have bliss, joy, and happiness in my life, Kitkat Come check out my blog KItkat1415 check out this post by me Adventures In Body Grooming #39 April Topic Link: What Lies Beneath If April Showers Oh Bloody Hell What Kind Of Weather Turns Me On Bloggers Symposium 40
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