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THE SADNESS CONTINUES................
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THE SADNESS CONTINUES................ Wayne and I are leaving for Kauai for a month on Friday. It is my favorite place to go and even though I will have to use a wheelchair for awhile there, I know it will be relaxing for me. Also our friends that joined us in Mexico will be joining us there for a couple of week. We always have a good time with them (nothing sexual, just good friends). I have given Wayne some ultimatums about our sexual activity there and hopefully he is considering that. NOW....BACK TO MY STORY. I do believe, in retrospect, that was clinically depressed and should have seeked some physcological counseling, but I couldn't have afforded that. I had only my social security left and that was reduced by the IRS because I owed them 10K in back taxes. Months earlier, I had cashed in my IRA and couldn't afford the 28 percent in taxes on that. So my social security was 850.00. That was to cover gas for my car, food and utilities but not my mortgage payment and none of my credit card payments. I couldn't sleep well at all. I had little appetite. I was smoking again and crying all the time. When I think about it now, I don't cry anymore because I think I used all my tears during those months. My was so angry with me. She never liked Steve at all, just because he was so much younger, I guess. My 's, especially Mark, were more gentle with me. I never contated any of my friends because I was so embarrassed that I was broke, in debt and a physical and mental mess. Later many told me that I could have come and lived with them. I never thought to ask anyone for help. Sometimes, at night, I would get up and grab my Daddy's picture and talk to him for an hour. I missed him so much and I knew if he had been alive he would have gotten me out of this mess. I had to start thinking about selling all my furniture, cars and getting out of this house with no where to go. I knew deep in my soul that I would want to live with my . I was crying most of the day and night and I didn't want to be around my grandchildren, having my put in the position of explaining all of this to them. Anne was calling me all the time and trying to console me. I did ask her if she would like to have my living room furniture and everything from my kitchen when I had sold everything else. She said that she and a couple of her men friends come up and get that. She was only living on her social security and working a little business on her computer that gave her a small amount of money to suppliment her income. She didn't have anything pretty in her aparment. So I advertised most of my other furniture on Craig's List. The first thing that sold was most of my painting that hung in my home. Everything that sold left me with such heart ache. Then my huge hammock in the back yard and my patio furniture was sold. Even though people who came knew my position, they all tried to dicker with me on prices. Time was not on my side, so I just took what I could get. Now I had enough to pay the mortgage for another month. Next I sold my computer workplace. It was a beautiful, oat piece that covered the entire wall. The man that wanted it came with his two young that were fasinated with my two parakeets. The birds were very tame and actually talked a little. I asked the father if he wanted my birds for his . When he came into the kitchen he saw the with a bird on each of their finger. He also saw my inlaid wooden cutting table that my second husband had made for me. He took all three and I was safe for another month. When I sold my bedroom funiture and my bed went out the door, I thought I was going to have a heart attack. The love that Steve and I had shared in that bed, the laughter, the crying, the unbelieveable sexual union, playfullness, imagination, passion was gone with our bed. Part of my heart went with it. I had no anger in me. I had loved him like I have never loved a man in my life. I couldn't hate him but I was so totallky hurt and broken. I could catch my breath. I wanted to scream at them to bring it back but I couldn't. They had seen that the bed frame had been broken and nailed and screwed back together. I told them it had broken once but actually it did three times.Steve had gained a lot of weight and during sex, he had pounded me so hard the bed had broken. I couldn't tell them that. OK, I promise that when I get home I will continue this. There is so much more to share with you but it's difficult to go back to those times. It's a lot of soul searching for me. I actually have to get up and walk around after every paragraph and gather my thoughs. I hope you understand. Writing about the death of my and my mother and father and husband was difficult but nothing like this part of my life.I will do some writing about the next segment in Kauai and then I will have it ready to post when I get home. Again, my love to all of you. I also promise to go back and respond to messages you have left me. When I come home from vacations I always have so many messages outside of this blog and I have to keep up with them. I always answer every message I get. If someone is so kind as to message me, they deserve a response from me. Wishing you all my best and hoping I come home, healed, from my broken foot. |
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Hi Judy, good to see you have been on here and matter of fact you are online right now. I do hope you have a wonderful time in Kauai and cam get around ok in the wheelchair. Am sorry you have to relieve your hurts and tragedies on here but I know you need to get it out. Was at Dixies over Labor Day weekend and we both got sick, she worse than me. She was throwing up and had diarreha and couldn't hold anything down. I wasn't that bad but felt like I had been ran over, backed over and ran over again. After I had came back she ended up in the ER and they had no idea what she had, same people that said she had a viral infection that one time when she had heat exhaustion. anyway, we are both ok and we did try to get it on but she was still skittish and I didn't push her into anything. Take care and enjoy your trip..Stay safe...Hugs...Jerry
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Hello sweetheart been a long time I hope all good . Kauai my fav also. Reading your blog so much of it I can identify with like you were telling my story... your friend Jim Cooper/palm springs
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10/20/2016 5:13 am |
Judy, Mark here and we haven't chatted in awhile and have only flirted in the past. One thing is certain, you are a wonderful and dear person with many friends. Never feel alone, ashamed or embarrassed You can always count on me. I hope Hawaii is what the Doctor ordered. I will be over your way in January and I would love to meet you. I really hope to hear from you soon. Mark
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Hi Judy, good to see you are back home safe and sound. Sorry that Wayne kept pushing you in the bushes and getting you scratched up. I am sure it was a big improvement when your friends from New Mexico showed up. am glad you got thru the airport security with their help, some wouldn't do that and would even check out your wheelchair to see if you had anything hidden there. Dixie is the same, had another scare with her on her temp scare once again and this time at the ER, they had no idea what the problem was. Of course she just had her 80th BD and I went over that week and had a good time with her, no sex, but we had a good time just being together with lots of laughs. You have been missed and am glad you are back and will get back to the blog when you feel up to it. XOXOX..Jerry
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Hope you have a safe Happy Thanksgiving as well. I am going to Dixies tomorrow and spend it with her. She got a good report from DR today, goes back in 3 months.. Hugs Jerry
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11/26/2016 2:27 pm |
Judy your one lovely lady. A big Hug Tom
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Hi Judy, give you an update on Dixie. She fell the night before Thanksgiving and broke her hip. She had surgery the day after Thanksgiving and had a pin and 2 screws put in her hip. she is home now with a walker and I am her primary caregiver, just got a couple days off to come home and pay bills and headed back on Thursday. she is doing really good on her exercises and will be walking with the walker for at least 4 more weeks. Hope you are doing alright and had a great Thanksgiving with the family and will also have a Merry Christmas. Take care. xoxox....Jerry
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Judy Judy Judy" I find my self,writing to you..... I know how you feel. Some guys,just don't get it,till it's gone.......I live here in the Desert. Life is to short" Time to move it along...Merry Christmas...xo......Burt
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your beauty fully captivates and arouses me. I would love to get to know you more and hope to renew my memberships as soon as possible. hope the sadness has faded and the new year is of to a bright and sparkling new beginning. I hope we can talk soon. text me at (916) 407-5766
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