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| Blogs > bipolybabe69 > "..yes I said yes I will Yes." |
Dating Disaster: Just Give Up?!?
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Dating Disaster: Just Give Up?!? I'd eagerly anticipated the first date with a local guy who is a non-fiction writer who'd just written his first novel. I'm pretty good at interviewing people, asking them about themselves, but I get tired of it. Recently, I've begun waiting to see if men ask me any questions. I've had men leave a first date without even knowing what I do for a living. Writer Guy talked for 15-20 minutes about the process of writing his novel because I was genuinely interested and kept asking questions. He talked about the novel as a baby, asked me if I had . I said I have boy-girl twins who've just turned 21. He said, "So you know about how protective we are of our babies" and he turned the conversation back to his novel as a baby. He tried to guess my degrees from UCSB and UCLA. He guessed wrong. When I said I'd studied political science and Latin American Studies, he turned the conversation back to his who'd studied political science, gone on in law and was trying to start a practice in Santa Barbara. Because my profile on Tinder mentions that I'm a sex educator, he did ask me how I got into that. I related a brief snippet of my story and about my plans for future IP (intellectual property) products. He tried to tell me about those. I said decisively, "No one gets rich from books or webinars. My expectation is to secure for consultation at a higher dollar." Though we agreed that the woman needs to lead for a couple to try something new, he started to tell me that how women are so "fierce" in their protectiveness of young that they can't take a risk sexual exploration until their are off to school. I objected. I said it's really about time and energy. I said, "You're drawing upon an old biological model of women as needing a man's support and protection when they have young . There's research that says we're all more naturally polyamorous. Check out 'Sex at Dawn.'" He interrupted me and said, "I've interviewed 50,000 people..." "About sex?" I interrupted. "About everything," he said, continuing, "I go in there not knowing about them before I ask questions..." I interrupted, "But you are basing your opinion on your cultural context. The very questions you ask..." He interrupted me and said I hadn't listened. I complained that he had talked for 20 minutes at the start without asking me questions. "That's pretty common for men to do. They talk about themselves, thinking that's how to impress a woman. I'm pretty clear that I like someone who asks me a question to let me talk about myself." (At least I'm clear about that. I listen but I hope also to have someone be interested in me.) "I asked you several," he defended, "Well, I'm sick of how women think they can say whatever they want and men kowtow (sp?) to them. That's how women are." "You are making fun of me," I said. He said, "If I were making fun of you, you'd know it." "I heard sarcasm," I said. "You forget that I can hear tone of voice when you're here in person. And the number one ingredient for comedy is timing. That was bad timing." That's when I got up, shook his hand and left. I've never done that before on a first date or any date, for that matter. I decided I'd rather be home reading the book I just started: Louise Erdich's "The Painted Drum." It's great! Beautiful use of language and images that stick in your brain. Regarding this date, which ended just an hour ago, I'm thinking I'm too jaded and bitter...but the truth is, this guy irritated the heck out of me. As I rode my bike home, I replayed the conversation in my head and wished only that I'd thanked him for the drink. In absentia, I say to him, "Thank you." From the first moment I saw him, I was aware that I just wasn't attracted to him. I've found from dating online for, geez, almost 16 years off and on, that men are less attractive than their pictures and women are usually more so. Such was the case with him. He was older and less well-groomed than his photos and he hadn't bothered to dress up to meet me. I don't consider sporting gear to be date dress. I was sorry I'd bothered to floss, brush my teeth and use mouthwash. To say nothing of showering, shaving, curling my eyelashes, putting on lip gloss and choosing a cute outfit. It takes an hour for me to get ready. It seems so inefficient to waste that on one guy...who will probably not be The One who Gets Me. Geez! I have no patience any more. I (probably) won't give up. But I do need a break. That's why I say that when someone seems unavailable in online dating, it's not useful to attribute the lack of response to lack of interest in you. It's more likely that the other person is just in the low point of interest in meeting new people. I call it the ebb and flow of energy to meet new people. No one likes a bitter woman. I'm bitter and angry. And sad. And lonely. And afraid that I'll never find ANYONE I really care about who also cares about me and wants to make me happy. I know it's pretty easy to make me happy. Pay attention to me, make it your job to help me achieve my desires, let me give to you and let's appreciate one another for our efforts. Oh, yeah, and don't cut me off when I'm speaking. And don't stop communicating with me when there's an upset between us. There is a reason women and men get bitter and jaded about love. My theory is that timing is the number one ingredient for successful relationships. I think the timing for love at mid-life is even more challenging. Because we bring so much baggage from past disappointments, it's nearly impossible to see the other person. We're simply battling the last man/woman who didn't understand or appreciate us. Your thoughts? {=}{=}{=} BiPolyBabe69 |
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My thought is you had a not so good experience There will be others you will connect with .Continue dating casually and you still could meet the one who gets you
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I think you invested way too much time in someone you knew right away you weren't interested in. I think we women do that a whole hell of a lot. Guys will guide out to spy and see if a woman is attractive and bail if they don't like her.women will grit their teeth and try to have chit chat with Quasimodo while thinking, "never again". I suspect that's why some women get jaded. Next time, bail as soon as you know you don't like a guy and if you like him.... keep it short so you both have something to look forward to.
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"showering, shaving, curling my eyelashes, putting on lip gloss and choosing a cute outfit. It takes an hour for me to get ready." And yet we keep being told that women do these things "for themselves" 
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Been there, tried that- DO NOT give up. Keep being yourself and it will come to you (Virtual Symposium Group) use Virtual Symposium Group
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Getting defensive and argumentative is something that's better to find out about a guy on an abbreviated first date than it is after some more time has been invested. I agree with BEBBW, I met an online date once who I had to tell right off the bat that it wasn't going to happen and without saying another word the dude just got up and left! And left me with his tab!
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Are some men taken back by your intelligence? I'm just wondering. I find your thoughts enlightening and thought provoking. Looking at issues from different sides can be intellectually enjoyable . I find your recent dates condescending attitude a bit, ok, fucking offensive. I don't blame you for getting your fill early. This was a first date, not a debate on protectiveness and sexuality. To me, it sounds as though this guy was trying to blow his own horn. As I read your post, I was getting upset at this guy too. Actually, I think you made the right move. There are people out there who understand the word respect and can hold an intelligent conversation without over inflating their own ego. Just my own feelings. *S* Bud Always Ready for Fun.
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Are some men taken back by your intelligence? I'm just wondering. I find your thoughts enlightening and thought provoking. Looking at issues from different sides can be intellectually enjoyable . I find your recent dates condescending attitude a bit, excuse me, fucking offensive. I don't blame you for getting your fill early. This was a first date, not a debate on protectiveness and sexuality. To me, it sounds as though this guy was trying to blow his own horn or puff out is over inflated ego. *S* That usually is an over compensation for under sized maleness. *LOL* As I read your post, I was getting upset at this guy too. Actually, I think you made the right move. There are people out there who understand the word respect and can hold an intelligent conversation without over inflating their own self worth on the world. Just my own feelings. *S* Bud Always Ready for Fun.
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As a fellow poly babe, I can tell you I take breaks from meeting people all the time. Please, don't give up. There's someone out there. I'm with BEBBW and Tickle. I know I've personally stayed and talked with a man after I'd ruled him out as a possible partner...because manners. Live life to it's fullest! If you're bored, Read Hugs Gypsy
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I don't know why it posted twice, but that's Local Adult Companion I suppose. Bud Always Ready for Fun.
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Crappy dates suck. Some thoughts: - Go with your gut. If you're not feeling it when you sit down, it's unlikely to improve. - When the two of you are interrupting and challenging each other, it's clearly time to walk away. Both of you should have recognized it. - Why invest so much energy in thinking about how poorly he was dressed, how self-centered he was, etc? He wasn't a fit. It's in the past. Move on. You can't recover the time you spent on the date, but you can control how you spend your time and energy going forward. I suspect part of the reason for the strong reaction is the level of anticipation going in. That's hard to control (and also part of the fun of dating), but I try to keep expectations low going in so that any surprise is a pleasant one on the up side. Don't give up!
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I became single by choice. Am allergic to relationships. I would tell u. Be optimistic and just go with the flow on a date. We set expectations and end up missing out on someone good. Have an open mind always.
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