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| Blogs > VenusRedux2 > Conversing with the Divine |
The Poofing Phenomenon
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The Poofing Phenomenon I've been on both the giving and the receiving end of this phenomenon. Here’s my best advice as to how to avoid this. It isn’t foolproof by any stretch, most of it comes from my own personal introspection as opposed to polling other women, but it will help minimize it by knowing what’s probably going on in her head (or at least a lot of the stuff that was going on in my head, for whatever insights that gives you). First, understand what she’s worried about: She doesn’t want to be used You may not even be planning to do this. In fact, there aren’t very many people out there who are outright looking for a one night stand. One night stands are rarely a planned thing. After all, why limit any good thing to just a one time affair? There are many possible explanations for One Night Stands: The problem here is that explicitly saying "I’m not looking for a one time thing" doesn’t address those concerns. Neither does planning out several subsequent meet ups as a way of feebly attempting to signal continued interest. It isn’t about whether you’re planning a One Night Stand as much as it is about whether she thinks once is all it is ever going to be. If she thinks this, she’s not likely going to follow through on an actual meet. The minute things get serious, it’ll break the spell, and reality will set in. She’ll decide it is not worth it, and … poof. She thinks you’re not nearly as interested as you’re letting on You may be dead serious about wanting to meet and eventually get freaky. But nobody wants to be the backup plan. If she thinks you’re hitting on her because she’s ‘the last gal at the bar’ and it’s her or nobody, or she thinks she’ll be side-lined the minute someone prettier comes along (which she always thinks is imminent), then there’s a high probability of her vanishing on you without explanation. She’s wondering “Are you interested in me specifically, or just sex in general?” Oftentimes, this is exacerbated by men overplaying their hand. The more you insist you’re interested (or how beautiful you are, or how charming), the more she’s feeling you’re overcompensating. Yeah, she'll be interested in you for the moment, but when things start becoming real, this voice will grow louder and louder until she eventually poofs. She doesn’t think you’re as great as you’re trying to let on The first obvious application of this would be if you’re a 9 and she sees herself as a 5.5. Why is a guy as good looking as you going after an overweight women twice your age with the baggage of three in the house? If you’re so great and wonderful, why are you trying to get with me? The longer this question goes unanswered in her mind, the greater the likelihood of things falling apart. But there are more subtle applications as well. For example, you tell her that you’re a nice guy. Great! She’s looking to meet a nice guy. The problem is, if you have to TELL her you’re a nice guy, is that because she would otherwise come to a different conclusion without such assurance? Something to think about. Women love mystery. So never tell a girl your best attributes. Show her. Don’t tell her you’re great in bed, instead learn how to be playful and flirty in conversation. Don’t tell her you’re charming and classy, instead lead her to this though sophisticated and insightful conversation. If you’re doing too much telling and not enough showing, she’ll second-guess her opinion of you and assume you aren’t as great as you’re letting on. You’re too needy. Too desperate. Too insecure. This might as well be Women Repellent in a Can. Things will not get very far if you’re giving off these vibes. You’d be lucky to have a conversation of any length. However, there seems to be a lot of guys out there who don’t display these attributes until serious discussion of meeting comes into play. They can talk a good game online, but when things start becoming real, it is almost as if a different person starts coming out. If you’re too nervous, that’s a sign of insecurity. I know, it is a LOT easier to have a conversation via text or online where you have a minute to consider your best response and self-edit as necessary. You’re no doubt fretting if you can maintain the charm when things are moving in real-time. Trust me, you cannot EVER show this. You’re an adult. You talk to people every day of your life. You just have to trust that you’ll do fine. Similarly, if you’re over-eager, that’s a sign that you’re desperate. If you’re texting every ten seconds, it’s a sign that you’re needy. You want her to be impressed by you, but you don’t want to impress her. If she senses you’re trying too hard, she’ll quickly get bored. It is a sign of insecurity. How to allay her fears and minimize the chance that she’ll poof at the last moment Stick to the number one rule of chatting online: Keep the conversation fun, flirty, and playful … but not overtly sexual. It de-emphasizes the sex, and instead gives priority to the enjoyment of the playful conversation. The more overt the sex talk becomes (and perhaps even the more<b> explicit </font></b>the selfies become), the higher the expectations become. Eventually, expectations are so high that the reality can only disappoint. Explicit sex talk is a sign that the course of the relationship has hit its peak and is already starting its decline. This is counter-intuitive, but here goes … DON’T insist on how serious you are about actually meeting. That overplays your hand. Not only is she not going to believe it, it will instead be counted against you. Combining all this into an actual example: Him: I have to run to the mall and pick up a few items. I’m grabbing lunch in the food court, come join me Very, very low key. No pressure. It sounds more like two friends talking than sexual liasons. Signals interest, but not in such an over-the-top way where she’s wondering why she’s so special Her: Nothing says romance like greasy mall food. Him: What kind of lady passes up mall fare? Are you some kind of secret Nazi? Keeping it playful and fun Her: LOL. How would I even find you there? She has pics, so this question is only relevant if she’s actually considering it, so it is a good sign Him: You’ll just have to sit down with random guys and chat them up. You might even meet someone special. Her: Noooo. I’d only find creeps, I’m a magnet for them! Him: That doesn’t speak well of me now does it? Let me be off. Talk to you later Ending the conversation suggests life goes on with or without her. Lingering too long would imply neediness. Her: LOL, you’re not a creep. Maybe next time, just give me a little more warning. Bye Playfully twisting her words induced her to coming to a positive conclusion about you. This conversation is NOT a failure. While it did not lead to a meet, it put her in the correct frame of mind for next time. She knows he’s serious. She doesn’t feel pressured. Nor does she feel that politely declining would set the wrong tone for future conversations. Expectations aren’t ratcheted so high that she feels the reality can only be a letdown. Another example: Him: How come you’re home on a Saturday night? Her: I could ask the same of you Him: I’ve talking to this pretty girl for like 2 weeks now, but she thinks watching Netflix documentaries with me is boring, so I have to sit home and watch them alone. Me and my microwavable popcorn. Talking about her in the third person to keep it playful. The suggestion is clear that SHE is the one who doesn’t want to meet, even though she’s never actually said that Her: Maybe if you came up with a better idea you’d have more success with the ladies (winky face emoji) Him: You’re right, women like to get dressed and go out, not stay in. I should suggest Roller Derby! Classic agree and amplify. Taking it to a ridiculous level keeps it playful, and opens the door for her to allow something more serious Her: What am I going to do with you? Him: You’ve already thought of a few things you’d like to do to me, admit it Assuming the sale. Shows confidence. Normally this would be a bit too much, but I felt it flowed with the conversation Her: I have (this time three winky faced emojis) Him: Too bad you didn’t have time to get the little black dress dry cleaned and ready to go Keeping it suggestive, yet dodging her invitation to take the conversation down an overtly sexual path Her: Who says it’s not? Him: Well, YOU might be ready, but I would have to shave my legs This gives her an opening to suggest a time in a way that’s cute and fun. If she’s making the arrangements, she’s not likely going to poof. At this point, she’s the one driving the conversation. Even if she’s not quite ready to meet right that night (probably too sudden), she’s giving every indication that she’s willing to actually go through with it. This is not someone who’s likely to poof the next time definite arrangements are made. Hopefully, by being understanding of what’s going on in her head as the subject of actually meeting is being addressed, you can avoid triggering the POOF mechanism. Hopefully this leads to more meets for everyone. |
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Great post! Good advice
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