The Chance
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Posted:Nov 19, 2015 12:25 am
Last Updated:Mar 2, 2016 2:31 am
3638 Views
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"If you had the chance to start over with someone, would you go back and meet them again or would you choose not to meet them at all?"
-The Chance
When I first saw this question posed, I immediately thought Fuck yeah, I would. Absolutely. Why wouldn't I. Sure we have had some rough patches just the same as any other relationship but yes, I would jump right back into it.
But then I kept thinking about it. Sure, there have been some rough patches and there will be many more, but why wouldn't I jump right back in if given another chance to.
And I thought some more about it. Yeah, we have gotten this far, tripped over a few of those patches, but we're still here, aren't we.
My mind wouldn't let go at this point so it kept on a thinking. Why WOULDN'T I started to turn into Why WOULD I?
I've wondered along the way what the heck we were even doing together. The few times I "wondered" out loud to his got me the response that I tolerate him and put up with his shit. OK, so basically he settled for the one that stuck around though not the one he wants. He didn't want to live alone forever is what he used to say. He says he loves me, but not in a Romeo and Juliet passionate kind of way. Then perhaps we should have / could have been friends? I don't even know. I feel I offer no happiness at all for him. In fact, I feel my mere existence is more of a nuisance . But, he isn't living alone and has someone to vent to, I guess. Does being miserably happy and feeling "stuck" with me count?
I, on the other hand, do have a passion for him. I love every bit of him very much. I am one for affection, he is not. I did, however, know exactly what i was getting into (and would not be getting) when I moved in with him. I thought I could just deal with it since I would be with him. Besides, you can't have it all, I would tell myself. Turns out I just feel like I cheated myself out of ever being able to know what it feels like to have someones love. He surely should know, but doesn't want it, not from me. I wonder day and night what it must feel like. If I could trade a day in his shoes to feel it, I gladly would.
So, I still don't really know how I would answer and take on The Chance if opportunity was given. Is meeting him again a "redo with a retake" or is it a "redo just the same as the last take" all over again. That would make a world of difference in my answer. To do just the same, I would choose not to meet. I can't/don't/will never be able to make him happy. If I could, I would accept the lack of passion and affection just to be the woman that makes him smile. If I can change the script altogether, I would meet, but never allow myself to love him. I can't say the heartache will not be worth it in the end since we haven't yet reached our end. But I would rather forego the heartache altogether and never have to see that look every morning when he wakes up next to me.
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2
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I confess.
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Posted:Nov 18, 2015 12:07 am
Last Updated:Mar 2, 2016 2:33 am
3598 Views
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I tell others "lies" I don't believe when they are troubled just to keep them positive and to offer them some kind of "hope" that things will turn around. How can I tell someone to "Keep your head up." when my own head is under water?
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It's ok.
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Posted:Nov 15, 2015 11:14 am
Last Updated:Mar 2, 2016 2:35 am
3522 Views
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Go ahead and use my body as a host. Use it to feel whomever it is you please. But for Fuck's sake, KEEP MY FUCKING SOUL OUT OF IT!
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Can't come clean.
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Posted:Nov 15, 2015 11:12 am
Last Updated:Mar 2, 2016 2:36 am
3761 Views
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I've seen the picture. The one of me holding my dark brown teddy bear on Christmas day. I was about four, maybe 5. I remember how I would drag him around with me everywhere I would go. He and my pink stuffed bunny that stood almost as tall as me would offer much comfort through the years. I wish I could remember that feeling of getting him on that Christmas day, but I can't. I want to relive that excitement I'm sure I felt. I just don't remember it. I do remember the feel of that man's hands on me though. I remember that well. Why? I haven't been able to scrub that feeling off all these years. If only I knew how to replace those memories with ones of My Little Pony and Rainbow Brite. Instead, I am stuck with these.
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I apologize
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Posted:Nov 14, 2015 5:04 pm
Last Updated:Nov 14, 2015 9:58 pm
3500 Views
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Sometimes, I forget you cannot feel. Perhaps that is why you do not understand the impact of your words and tone you use with me. Perhaps you once did feel and know exactly the impact and how you cut me down to size. I may ever know. Either way, I apologize.
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