How did I get here?
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Posted:Nov 25, 2008 8:36 pm
Last Updated:Jul 16, 2014 9:24 am
4405 Views
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As he’s standing over me with a knife asking “do you want to die, bitch?” my mind races to figure out how to get out of this situation alive. I hear my own words of begging and pleading in a tone and pitch that I’ve never heard come out of my mouth. The knife is an inch from my head and the look in his eyes is pure evil. I don’t know what I’m saying, the words are just pouring out and I watch his eyes to see if any of them are getting through the drunken fog that he is currently submerged in. I’m not sure which word brought him back to reality and caused the arm with the knife to drop but I continued to talk in soothing tones while my brain continues to race. Eventually he stumbles away, still holding onto the knife and mumbling about how I’m such a stupid bitch. After he placed the knife on the counter and passed out in bed I sat on the couch, in shock that such an incident could have actually occurred to me. How could such a nightmarish scene be real? After spending half of the night on the couch, staring at a black TV screen, I shook off the cobwebs and returned to reality.
How did this nightmare start and how do I wake up from it? I do remember the relationship starting like a dream. When we met he was very charming and fed me one compliment after another. Having dated many toads his attentiveness and charm was a breath of fresh air. He moved in immediately and we married soon after. The alcoholism that was not seen during the courtship reared its ugly head after the wedding. He started off slowly, a six pack once or twice a week with no hint of the abuse that he was about to bestow on me. The drinking increased and he started driving drunk to score more of his precious ale. Since he was drunk, I decided to take his keys so he could not make it to the road and endanger others or himself. It was at this point that everything changed. Thinking I was trying to control him, he started fighting me for the car keys. At first it was a punch or a kick but eventually digressed to choking, the throwing of large objects at me and in one desperate move, the pouring of gasoline on the floor of the house and threatening to strike a match. Oh, and how could I forget chasing me with a hatchet or leaving bruises from grabbing me. I knew if I resisted the violence would escalate and these incidents would generally end with the handing over of his keys so he could drunkenly drive off to feed his habit.
These incidents and many others went on for years. I was afraid to leave because he would feel “pushed into a corner” and as he told me many times, trapped rats will turn and bite. From the knife incident I knew he could snap at any time and my life could seriously be in danger. I made up my mind that I was going to get out of this situation and devised a strategy that eventually led to freedom. My plan was to slowly push him away. I had already lost respect for this person that I had married and a loss of respect cannot support any amount of love. Through years of distancing myself and slowly pushing him away, he finally came up with the brilliant idea that we just aren’t working any more. That was my golden opportunity and I grabbed onto it like a life ring. I immediately sought out a divorce attorney and as of today I have been divorced for twelve days. What I’ve learned is that anyone can get out of an abusive relationship. I originally asked myself “how did I get here” but now I say to myself “look how far I’ve come.”
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What if?
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Posted:Oct 25, 2008 7:41 am
Last Updated:Oct 28, 2008 7:39 pm
3952 Views
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Letting my mind go back to 1991 all I can think is “what if”? I’m sure we’ve all had moments where we allow ourselves to drift to a place in time where we had a fork in the road. Left or right, which is the way to go? Which direction will lead me to happiness or which will cause heartache? I found myself in such a quandary in 1991.
He was eight years older than I and lived across the hall. The first time we met there was an instant connection and little did I know we would become the best of friends. I found myself walking out the door when he came in just so I could “bump into him” and see that beautiful smile and beautifully muscular arms and legs. As per usual, he would invite me to his apartment for a beer and we would talk for hours. During the breaks in conversation he would just look at me and smile. No one had ever looked at me like that and being rather young and naïve, I did not know how to respond. Should I rush to his arms and kiss that beautiful face or play it safe and resist my urges so that I didn’t act like a fool and lose future precious encounters? When we parted he would give me a look that melted my heart and made me want to bury my head in his magnificent chest that I imagined would feel like heaven.
These encounters lasted for years yet there was no physical intimacy. Was that look in his eyes deceiving me or did he just want to be my friend? Why couldn’t I just risk this friendship and go in for a kiss? Pride kept me from chasing what I really wanted and pride gradually separated us.
Life goes on and I did find a partner that wanted to marry me. His alcohol addiction should have driven me away but I thought that I would take care of him and be his savior. Three days before my wedding on a cold December day in 1991, I received a surprise phone call from the man that had always held my heart. We talked about the great times we had in the past and my heart just sang having him on the other end of the phone line. He proceeded to tell me that the person I was about to marry was not good for me and that he himself had actually been in love with me from the time we first met. The news left me breathless and speechless with my mind just reeling. I wanted to run to him and finally jump into those arms I had dreamt about so many times. He asked me to come over so we could talk and for the longest time my mind went through the pros and cons of this action and the toll of canceling my wedding and I honestly did not know what to do. My heart was in his hands but my mind was absolutely torn.
In the end I reluctantly let him go. The one person that I now know I loved unconditionally came to my wedding and didn’t take his eyes off me the entire night. We didn’t speak because there were no words left. He walked out of the reception hall and out of my life for good.
After the first marriage ended I tried to find him. His phone number and address show up when I Google his name but I can’t take the final step of contacting him. Did he marry and is he happy with a big family? Does he love his wife the way he loved me? Would he be happy to hear my voice and want to run into my arms? Is he single and thinking about me and trying to find me? The path I chose back in 1991 will not allow me to go back and relive what could have been but what if?
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