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For What It's Worth!
 
I write my blogs for two reasons. The first is to say things that I never want to say again, and have them where a "POTENTIAL PARTNER" can read them, without me having to emotionally revisit those places. The second reason is to share what is happening in my heart or life, hopefully in a lighthearted way, perhaps letting off steam sometimes. I aim to keep it caring and positive. I am also human.
Keywords | Title View | Refer to a Friend |
My Private Mailbag
Posted:Mar 20, 2012 10:34 pm
Last Updated:May 10, 2020 5:12 am
13416 Views

Hello, this is not a new idea, however the way I treat it is.

Please feel free to add your private comments here, or other personal communications. I will treat them with the courtesy that they deserve.

1 comment , 1 Pending
Don't you just get annoyed?
Posted:Sep 17, 2012 4:55 am
Last Updated:May 10, 2020 5:16 am
11046 Views

Ok, for someone who wasn't going to spend anymore real time here, uhh, here I am again. I might have to change my name to crankyladybrijit, 'cos something is bothering me again.

As a few of you know, my mother passed away recently, and it's pretty obvious, that even though I am ok, I am not doing the greatest. Life can be like that. The thing is that even though our relationship was definitely dysfunctional, I really miss Mum, and the more time passes (at present), the more upset I seem to be, because I can't ring her and annoy her, I can't ring her and tell her, and I can't ring her and ask her. In fact, I just can't contact her!

.... and it makes me want to cry! ... and all I can do is sort of tear up, and then not cry. It's nuts!

I need about fifteen phone calls a day to all different people to sort of bring me back, yet I am lucky if I talk to around three or four. That's not someone's fault, it's just how it is. Uh, this contact can be from pretty much anyone I know, just thought I'd add that.

Now for the upset bit. . . . .

You know men, . . . . yes, those creatures, the ones that I say I only want to be friends with, . . . them?????

.....mmhm. Well, it seems that when I say "I only want to be friends", they understand more. They still go into time out and act as if I want them to be the man in my life! Meanwhile, I am desperate to talk, and share! .. and feel terribly alone!

What part of I only want to be friends do they not understand?????

What is it that makes a man fail to hear that Mum died recently, oh, sorry, I forgot to mention that a lot more happened a few years back, and I only want to have people to chat to, to hear me, perhaps to hear them also, and just be nice and social, mostly on the phone???????????????

It's really easy. I am not ready for anything other than people who yes, could give me a cuddle if we agree on that, however that's the full extent of things right now, nothing more. ... and it's a bit hard to cuddle if they are far away, and we are chatting on the phone, and that's fine, as what is really important to me right now, is just people who can be there for me, as I am finding it really hard.

I shouldn't be finding it that hard, only it seems that even I am not immune to the reactions of losing my mum. I thought it would be easy, as I saw her lots, spoke to her every day, and argued too much with her, blamed her too much, and generally took her for granted, even though I knew she'd die some time. I just didn't think she'd die about ten years earlier than the rest of the family have tended to.

I also didn't think I'd miss her more than anyone else in my past. Yet I do at present. It's just weird. . . . .

. . . . wish I had more people to talk to, and if I had fifteen people to talk to every day, we could not talk for an hour each, as that would add up to fifteen hours a day, and I wouldn't eat meals, or do anything at all except sleep if that happened, and it would be nice to talk to lots of people every day as they would take my mind off being sad, and I'd just come good.

...and that's why I am so upset, when I contact someone, and they seem ok, and then they seem to go into time out, and I just get so miserable, as that's the last thing I need right now. I just need people to talk to, as often as possible, and I don't mind if the calls are short as a result, as long as I talk to as many people as possible each day, so I can hear different things, and end up thinking about all sorts of different things.

Ok, rant over. I do hope that things are a lot better with as many of you as possible.

3 Comments
My Body, and Scars
Posted:Oct 6, 2011 4:10 pm
Last Updated:Jun 29, 2013 4:34 pm
16871 Views

Wow! I have a body that is all mine. It does things that I have no idea as to how it does them. It can heal a wound, or make a fingernail grow. I might know the technical stuff, but I can't make the fingernail grow or the wound heal. It can make me feel fantastic, or awful. It all depends on how I treat it.

I only have one body, and as time passes, it will age, so I treat it with love and respect. I nourish it with really healthy foods, exercise it, maybe even sexercise it (great fun when that happens), cleanse it, pay attention to various parts, such as my eyes, teeth, hair, nails, feet, and give it lots of love and attention as I feel the need.

In the past, my body has been abused by a small group of individuals, and even if there are scars, they are not visible to the average person. I do love my scars, because they are part of my body, and remind me, of how wonderful my body has been surviving what was done to it, and healing, with only a scar to remind me.

So next time you feel abused, remember, your body helped you through it, and has the survival manual, if you can just help it along with the right nourishment, rest, fresh air, water, exercise and foods. Remember also that your brain needs nourishment, as in getting adequate rest, and not constant abuse as you use it to punish yourself for what has already happened.

I do love myself, because if I don't, nobod
y else will.
9 Comments
What value do you place on a life?
Posted:Jan 5, 2012 11:08 pm
Last Updated:May 10, 2020 5:29 am
15060 Views
It's all relative as they say.

If it's a poisonous spider, stomp, or splat.

If it's a pesky fly, splat!

When it's a cockroach, yuk! Bye!

A mossie (mosquito), no way! You're not giving me a disease if I can help it! Splat!!

At present, most days, I go outside to the fish pond, and watch a bunch of really beautiful goldfish of various colours, and they are not eating fish, and if anything happens to them, I get very upset, as if they were my loved animals. Some people think I am a bit nuts if that happens.

While I was out there, a few times, I noticed a really fat "fish" also with a tail, really long tail, feeding with the rest of the goldfish, only I did not buy this one, and I looked closer. I had just discovered that there are these gorgeous frogs in the pond, and I think they are the rare ones, so I watched.

In the water I was looking at these creatures that were about five cm, nearly two inches long, without their tail, and outside the water, I only saw one or two frogs that big, however a number of tiny frogs about three cm from nose to bottom. They are so cute. I have taken photos, and emailed an expert, in case they are rare.



When two of the large "fish" joined my bought fish eating, I realised that they were tadpoles. I was a bit surprised at their size, as they compare with the goldfish in size, much the same size.

I find that even though I am not at all a frog person, not wanting to touch them if I did not have to, finding them slimy and yuk! to touch, I still care about them, and feel that they are life, in a way that I didn't in the past. I look at them in appreciation, feeling that like me they are alive, like the fish also. I just seem to love that each one of them is life, and so enjoy watching them these days.

Now other lives. We don't hesitate to have a destroyed if it bites someone. We want our oldies to be able to choose whether they have to continue living and have massive debates over euthanasia.

A lot of our human culture seems to be about killing. Some cultures feel that they earn "pennies in heaven" if they kill lots of people not of their own faith, especially if they die in the process. Other cultures also feel that death in the name of war, or even worse, disease or injury, and usually not mild injury, but long term, painful severe type injuries are all valid.

Back home, in society, there are those that have watched blood thirsty movies over the years, and find a gun has the answer. If he points a gun at me, I'll kill him, and far worse.

Everywhere we turn, it seems to be ok that death happens, or other gruesome events, to people all around us.

Then the question must be asked: What is a life worth???

If I have pure energy inside me, and that is my living spirit, then I can only assume that all biological life forms also have that same energy in a greater or lesser form, so they are all just as alive as I am, and so if I value my life, then I must re-evaluate my concept of kill before being killed, or kill before being affected, as with flies, mosquitoes, and other similar life forms.

If I don't want to be indiscriminately killed, then how can I just go out and kill? for any reason????

Suddenly life takes on a whole new meaning. If I value my life, then I must value other lives, if only in the way I kill, only I think that if I want to live a long and peaceful life, then I must make an effort to support other life forms, whether I appreciate them or not. We don't go out and kill that person who just really annoys the living daylights out of us, so why would we kill someone of another nationality, when they might just happen to be nicer than anyone we know? They might not be too! Just thought I'd add that.

I think that I have made my point. In this modern, clever world, there are still some who place no value on life as such, and they are few indeed. For most of us, we do place some value on the lives close to us, only I do ask you the question:

What value do you place on a life? I ask you because I take incredible delight watching these frogs emerge after about twenty minutes of really still and silent waiting, and then they are finally there, and so cute. They barely move, only, I see watching them as a privilege, not a right, so that makes it special. No, I do not want to touch them, have difficulty handling lizards.

I do let "daddy long leg" spiders live, and have managed to let at least a small number of them crawl over my hand, and that was not easy.

I am far from perfect, as I swat flies, mosquitoes, spiders and some cockroaches, although I often catch them and just put them outside, easy with a large mouthed take away container. My question is mostly related to humans, only if you value the life of a small animal, and I tend to love birds also, how much more would you value the life of another human?

Yes, I know they are weird looking creatures, with little or no hair, occasionally covered in it, very rarely. animals tend to be so much prettier with lovely fur or hide, and humans are just long legged gangly things a lot like giraffes. Even spiders seem to be so much more aesthetically pleasing with their balanced number of eight legs, set in four neat pairs along their bodies, and bodies that sort of match their heads in shape. All seem far more attractive than humans, with pock marks on some, scars, droopy wrinkles as they age.

I mean if every human has some value, (and sometimes I see no value in one of them) and they do. Some are there for the rest of us to nurture, as their value is in their loved ones, needing them. Some are wise, and have lots for us to learn. Others provide services for us every day, and others do things that we never want to have to do ourselves, like police officers, fire fighters, sanitary officers. Without each one of these, human society would not function well. Some have really low hygiene standards, others excessively high. Some eat their food raw, and others could not eat anything raw. The diversity of humans is amazing, and most of us would have a problem with at least one type somewhere. I suspect that is just normal. All are still human, and yes, some of us would argue that for reasons that we would feel are justified.

Back to the question, how much is a life worth? Then how much is a human life worth?

Please consider.
5 Comments
My survival secrets/ why I am not yet dead
Posted:Jan 6, 2012 3:19 am
Last Updated:Apr 11, 2012 3:50 am
14776 Views
Hello, here I am listing seventeen things, that I have used to help me heal, and that's why I am still alive, as without them, I would never have made it. Yes, I did use all seventeen in my healing journey, and I will share with you on each. Without them, I would not be here today.


love your pain, it tells you that you are alive:
I have mentioned this in another blog. I was told this after my car crash while I was suffering incredible seat belt pain. I had no idea it was possible to suffer like this, yet I had already had back pain for seventeen years at one time, and sciatic pain en masse after childbirth, so I knew horrific pain in some fashion already. When the seatbelt pain faded, I discovered why it had been said, as I kept wondering if I was really alive, no people around me, an unfamiliar home, not my pets, not my possessions, eerie, and nobody I could really talk to most of the time.

enjoy the bad times: This has also been mentioned in another blog, as without the bad times, you can't have good times. The first time we hear it, it's hard to stomach, only once we think about it, it slowly comes together.

one door closes, another opens: I love this, and it's really worth taking in, as it helps when all seems lost. Life really does tend to bring a new horizon whenever an old one is gone. One just needs to feel this is so, to allow it to happen naturally.

take time to smell the roses: I learned this quite a while ago before my dramas, so I knew to look around me here in my new environment, and see the good things about it, and just feel them and their presence, so I could feel better. In the case of roses, a lovely scent to stimulate the happy senses.

tomorrow will be a better day: if today was so terrible, and you know "Storms never last", and tomorrow must be a better day. It only stands to reason. If you go through bad after bad after bad, it stands to reason that the bad must come to an end and good times replace it, so it just makes sense to trust this will happen.

do absolutely nothing: I was told "when in doubt, do nothing". If you are not sure, why do something you will regret late? It's better to stop, take some time, it's ok, if you were going to die, you'd be dead already, so take the time, assess the situation as to what you feel is the safest risk and go for it. I didn't actually include this for that reason. I did include "do nothing" for the purpose of just taking a real break from everything, just sitting, lying in bed, on the grass, sand or concrete, whichever, and just stopping, if possible clearing your mind, and doing nothing, until you feel a bit better, or you feel if you stay still a moment longer you will rot, whichever works for you.

add a healthy food, bless it before eating it:
This is two things again. Add a healthy food, if you are in pain, go to the shop, maybe the health food shop, or look online, and find a food that will relieve your pain, maybe a herb, or chocolate? If you have another issue, find several foods that could be used, and add at least one of them to your diet. Don't be afraid, normal people don't overeat. When you add a new food, you usually eat a bit less of one you don't really need as much as you have been eating, unless you haven't been eating enough. The second point, bless your food before eating it is: Sit down in a comfortable place to eat, look at your food, and meditate on it for a moment or a few just taking in it's appeal to your palate and taste buds. Allow your mouth to water a touch, and either pray blessings into it, or if you are like me, sit there and aloud or silently say something like: I bless this food with my love to nourish and sustain my body. You can use your own words, whatever you feel good about. This comes from a japanese photographer who has photographed water from all kinds of places, and even the murkiest water seemed to take on a beauty in his photos after blessing it. We don't know this is true, we are merely told this is true, however it has felt positive and healing for me.

breathe clean air: think about the quality of the air you breathe. Asthma is caused partly by poor quality air, in the sense that there are allergens that irritate the asthmatic in the air. If the allergens are removed in this person's home, it gives them "time out", a chance to recuperate and possibly develop tolerance when they are out in the world. This has worked for my allergies. In my case I run an air filter 24/7 in my home. I also use an air conditioner if I feel I can both afford to, and if it's not too cold to use it. If you put clean air into your body, it also helps your body to deal with the other stresses of life, as it's not trying to deal with polluted air. You can't always control what is out there in the world, however you can control some of your personal environment, so it might be worth the effort.

drink clean water, bless your water before you drink it: We have almost covered this already in air and food, as the principles are the same. If you can find a way, filter your water somehow, and you don't have to use a commercial filter if you feel it's expensive. There are other ways, which if you look for, you are likely to find. Again, bless your water before you drink it, to nourish and stimulate your body into good health, and they say you can taste the difference. I think it does taste a touch nicer.

do some exercise, anything that you want to: this sounds very broad, and the reason is that after dramas, some of us lose any interest in anything we ever loved to do. I really didn't want to live at all, because I wasn't where I wanted to be, so I had to work on positives, and not wanting to go for a walk in a strange area, not wanting to do this, that or the other, limited what I would actually do, so I had to go for anything I was prepared to do, and that was pretty much nothing. Yes, that's how bad it was, so I just had to find my new way. I tried to do my tai-chi. I had forgotten all of ten years! I had loved that so much, and now it was gone. I didn't want to do it the way this new school did it. I wanted to do it the way I was taught, only what I didn't know was that my memory must have had such a bad jolt that I was remembering it absolutely wrong. It was weird, just as I was at that time. In the end, I would go outside and walk around the yard, or walk to the post office sometimes, not always, to get a touch of exercise. Besides that, I'd look for some kind of work around home that would give me exercise. This gives you an idea of how emotionally damaged I was, if you are normal, as you know this was very, very limited. However I did expend a lot of energy on crying and sobbing, so maybe it wasn't all that bad after all. Then there was something else at that time, which I will mention shortly. After a few years, I was desperate for a new form of survival, so I went to the doctor's and acquired the medicine to give up smoking. That was an incredible journey, which I did survive because I just kept adding extra water to my diet to make up for the medicine that would otherwise damage my kidneys badly. Then I did some research for a piece of exercise equipment that I liked, in my case the "ab pro", and no, this is not an ad, as for you it might be one of those bench press things, or a bicycle, or absolutely anything else. We are all different. I still love my exercise gizmo, and that was what was important, that I wanted it and to do it, and I have never not wanted to use it. That was my secret, that I actually wanted to use it, and still do. At one stage before I bought that, I was also taking my in the car to one or two places, just every now and then, and walking with her, which was nice just sometimes.

if it works for you, sexercise is great for you, with someone you feel good about only: This is pretty much self-explanatory. If you have what some call a "fuck buddy", then yes, it's a great method of relief, however if as in my case, you really don't know what disease this one or that one might have when you randomly meet strangers, and end up going where you were not planning to go with them, then maybe total abstinence could be a really good thing. In my case, I have pretty much always had a lot of respect for my sexual health, so I never deliberately went there. Only when you meet people randomly in a new place, sometimes as a woman you seem to not have control over their behaviour, and you end up in situations you did not plan at all. For me, it was better to go home until I had some kind of control over what was going to or not going to happen.

Now I need to mention something here. Two years after the really bad dramas, there is a risk of yep, ok, let's just say at this time, it might be worth having someone you can have a bit of private fun with to relieve your tension and keep you alive, just a thought. I did go there, only I did take a huge risk, at the time figuring that the risk was less than the potential, and I was lucky, in my case it worked, only it would be better not to do that, as one might not be so lucky.

protect yourself from the weather, from bad people, from whatever you need to: This is a bit general, as to keep you young, it's clever to protect your skin from the weather, hat, perhaps sunscreen or long sleeved and long legged clothes, whichever works easiest for you. Even a good make-up can protect from the sun, as some women know if they use it. Protecting yourself from bad people, hmm, depends, maybe you want bad people around your for other reasons. No, seriously, if there are people you feel you need to steer clear of, then, shut them out, lock them out, bar them, do whatever you need to do to keep them out of your life within reason, and if there is anything else you need to protect yourself from, do it. Once you start feeling safe, you will heal a lot quicker and better than if you feel unsafe. Nobody can protect you from random crimes in bad neighbourhoods. You can do a lot to make yourself safer, make yourself feel safer, and even reduce your risk of being the next "victim" including not acting like a victim.

talk to someone who cares: Make a point of making contact with at least one person, if not several, every day, who actually seem/s to care, and if you don't feel they care, look elsewhere, or if you can't find someone new, put up with a bit rather than have nobody. Over time, try to develop a number of resources so that if this one is not available, there is that one or another, so that over time, you rebuild your personal resource network, and feel that you have people in your life that you value. Work on your ability to communicate with them also, so that over time your communication skills improve and this will help at least a touch in having people around you who are there for you in some way.

find someone to for you to help in some way if you can: There is a saying that when you help others, you help yourself, and I know that for me that is true, only perhaps not when you are devastated. At this time, perhaps the only way is solo. Once things don't feel quite that bad, by being there for other people, you see that they have their issues, and maybe yours aren't so bad. That is the big thing, as it puts your issues into a kind of perspective where you can decide that your issues aren't that bad for whatever reason, even if it's just that they are over, and others are still suffering. It's not meant in a callous way, as in survival mode, sometimes extremes are needed.

do only what you want, at any time: This sounds silly, only when you are so damaged that you feel like you can't move, and all you seem to ever do is sob, then sob some more, it starts to sound really sensible to do nothing except what you really want to do at any time. For a while housework will suffer, and other things too, only over time you will find that you perhaps don't like the mess around you, so you will work on cleaning it up, and that is how you need to be to survive, until you do survive and heal. Easy.

do something for you, and when that's done, do something else for you: This is in a similar vein to doing only what you want, only now, you try to do at least one thing every day for yourself. At the beginning of your healing journey, it might be no more than make sure you have regular meals, and/or feed your pets every day, until you are able to deal with more. It's ok if that's all you can manage, as if you allow yourself to live in this damaged space until you are ready to move forward, you will allow yourself to get to the point where you can move forwards, so that is what I had to do. As time progresses, you get to a point where it might be sew a button on that shirt, or start keeping a plant to help filter your air some more. As it needs watering every day, this is a touch of a challenge, a bit like having a pet. Each challenge is another success when you meet it, so it's all good. Over time the challenges will become greater. It took me a year to trim my trees, and then it took one day to do them again. Umm, they have grown a lot since then so it might take more than a day again. Just work with you at your pace.

make every moment count: This sounds really hard, only it's not meant that way. Count every moment as it passes on your healing journey, and you will be amazed at how time does pass. I didn't do this early on, and it all seemed to take forever, only now, looking back, I don't really remember it like it was any more, as in I don't suffer it like I did. Back then it was all so painful, and it felt as if I would never heal. I mean, how do you move beyond crying painful sobs, and I mean really painful, causing chest pain, and interfering with your breathing, up to five times a day, between five minutes and three hours each time??? Do the sums, some days this means fifteen hours of crying. Then every time someone says something nice, the tears just return, and you are not in control. So now I say, make every moment count? How? Remember earlier it was enjoy the bad times? Enjoy the crying. Look at it as soul cleansing. Find a positive in every bad moment, that makes the moment worth living.

So yes, when someone said, it looks like you are enjoying your dramas, and bad times, they were right, because that's exactly what I was trying to do, and if they thought it looked like I was doing that, then I was succeeding. I did keep thinking this is only bad now, and even though I cannot see a tomorrow, it will come. I just have to be patient, to wait until it does happen. It will happen.

Now here is a little recipe for working out, ok, how long does this have to last for? Not much fun this, but better than nothing. I looked around me, at what I knew about life. I asked myself how long will it take to get over the car crash? Well others can take years, and some never get over it. So that was my measure. Ok. Then there were the other dramas, so I looked at each and how long it could take to get over them. I didn't like the negative potential, as it was pretty much stay damaged for the rest of my life. I didn't want that, and so I had to find a time that would work for me. I decided that this one would take about seven years, yep, that one too, and probably each one would take around seven years if it were the only thing that had gone wrong. Only I had eight major issues, three of them pretty major. You could say I added a year for each pretty major dramas and came to the ten year thing, only that's not quite right. I just sort of shuffled it all in my head, and came up with the ten years thing for me. I asked myself if I was sure it would be long enough and my thoughts were that I am going to lose ten years of my life healing, and I don't want it to take that long, as I will be old by then. Hmmm. Then I asked myself, could I do it any faster? The answer I found was "get real, how?" Nope, I'd need the whole ten years, and if I was lucky, I'd be over it all by then, so I did set out on my healing journey. I did make every moment count, crying if you like with 'gusto', only it wasn't that, it was that if I allowed myself to just cry, there had to come a time when I'd be over it, and that's what I was aiming for, so while others would think that I was just yeah right, no, I was working towards a goal.

Today on the way to nine years after it all, I am sort of happy with my progress. I just wish I were further down my healing road. I want to be further down, only I can see that I am not. You are not talking about just anyone here. I was a Psychology student. I was someone who knew a bit about these kinds of things, maybe not an expert, just someone who was learning about things related to exactly what I suffered. I am a lot younger than I expected, and then I just look at my diet and I know why. I have eaten some of the healthiest foods, including some herbs, and a lot of grains recently, and then there are all the usual things, including prunes, the home made yoghurt and fruit.

So there you have my recipe for survival. It wasn't easy at all, and lots of perseverance along my journey. I had a reason to survive. I want to be there for my grandchildren. I have already missed out on being there for the first of my grandchildren, and in my case that is five of them. I want to be there and whole for the rest of them, so that I can be their special grandparent, and give them at least some of what I am.

Wow this took a long time, and a lot. I really need to go. I won't be back for a few days, as I have things to do. I sort of wonder if I had to write this for other reasons. I am not going there. I do hope to be back here soon.

Until then, I do wish those that care all the best.

0 Comments
Sorry
Posted:Jan 21, 2014 4:11 am
Last Updated:May 10, 2020 5:44 am
7519 Views

Sorry I haven't been here. Sorry I am not wonderful anymore. I am really sorry that I am disappointing those who care about me, as I continue to keep to myself, preferring my company to the challenges of getting to know others.

I just can't anymore. I can't come on here and feel safe. I just don't. So I am really sorry to those who care, those who would like to keep in touch, it's just not going to happen. The last two years have been long, full of tears, and then one day, a glimmer of hope, in the form of my motor scooter. Then I bought a bike as well. Of course, I had to fall off that once for sure. It took months to get it repaired, and now it is repaired, it needs other work.

I don't know how to explain, that the freedom of not having anyone control me while I am on one of my bikes, is really good. The fresh air was always good when I climbed mountains, really hills, as they were here in Australia. I was always such a strong person inside, loving myself and my freedoms. It's why it has always been so hard to get attached and really mean it. It's why, yes, I can love someone and not be in love at all. I do love lots of people in lots of different ways. It doesn't mean anything in the "in love" stakes.

Then there are my animals. They took my life over, as I acquired a second dog, and when I bought my replacement kitten, I made sure I bought a second, so they'd grow up with company, and get used to having a companion in their life. That way if I ever do go away, they will have each other, just as the two dogs will also. I don't know if I ever will go away now, so busy caring for them, and the fish. It took a lot to set up the aquariums, and then to care for the fish in them. It was worth it over winter, as there weren't as many losses amongst the fish from my pond. Only a few catfish died in their place. The fish are back in the pond over our summer, and I have already lost another two catfish indoors. I won't bother too much about replacing them for now, as I do suffer grief even over losing a fish. It's just me.

It's amazing how many from my past are checking in whenever they can. It's hard to feel alone at any time these days. I do like that when I feel safe about who is touching base with me. Then of course, how can anyone feel alone with all my animals? I didn't mention the eight baby fish that popped up out of nowhere in one of my tanks, so yes, they are just there in the tank, as they are a bit over an inch, or about three cm long. They look like they might be really special fish. Only time will tell.

Even if I am sad, which I definitely am right now, I am really happy inside, not sure I have ever been so happy in my life, and then I am sad, so devastated that Mum is gone. It meant nothing while she was alive, and now that she is gone, the person I used to be able to blame, take it out on, get angry at, and didn't even realise how awful I was to her, is gone. I can't ring her right now, and tell her how worried I am over yep, him.

Those who said I'd see him again, were right, and for good reason. I never ever said he is awful. I never ever said I didn't care. I just said I was incredibly angry at that time, and have had trouble resolving any of it since. I don't think it will ever be resolved. I do think that whatever friendship we had is over, as he is well and truly over me in every way. (He met a lady, and it seems that he does see her every now and then.) I also think he feels things that he could really use friends to help him through. Only when I do try to touch base, he bites my head off and makes me feel it was a total waste of time going there.

I do hope I am wrong, and that my odd visit actually helps him through. I can't share. That would be wrong. I can say that yes, I am really worried about him in his situation, because it's really not good right now.

Then again, I might be totally wrong. He might be so anti me, that he is just telling me anything to get rid of me, and of course, I have no idea, and just feel awful about what he says is going on in his life, for his sake.

Perhaps for the rest of you, I can say, without revealing any of his situation, that if you tell a caring lady, that you are going through this, or that, and that this has gone wrong, and that is wrong, and there are all these dramas in your life, then the caring lady will worry about you, want to be there for you, and if anything, become more concerned for your welfare, and if you like, more attached, although maybe it's not actually attached at all, just really worried for your welfare. Maybe when you don't care about a lady, the cleverest thing you can do, is just tell her it's lovely that she cares, and close your door on her, without being rude.

One day, the lady will just walk away, as it's really pointless being there for someone who doesn't want you there.

....and that is why I will never even get very close to anyone new again. Those from my past, know what I am, they know me, and how I am just there for them even if things don't impress me. I make sure they know that I am not in love with them, unlike in his case. All I have ever done is worry about him, as he just seemed to go through more dramas than even I have had, and those who have read my blogs, know I went through a lot. I spent most of nine years on him, and I am pretty sure that if he cared about me, we could have had something really precious. It just wasn't going to happen. I don't have that time to give to new men.

That's not clear. I do not mean in love in any way with him. I merely mean that I have not been able to let him know it's just caring. He does not seem to understand at all. I keep saying I don't walk one way streets, and he made it clear he was a one way street at the start. I also explained how he wasn't that clear at later times etc.

So, yep, not in a great place in relation to becoming attached. I like single much better, much safer, much more secure.

I love my animals, my bikes, my freedom, and going to dinner with one of my sometimes, or another family member. Thank goodness they pay, as there just isn't the spare money. Then every now and then another lady asks if I'd like to join her and her , and that's lovely too.

Just for clarity, I no longer have any religious affiliation, preferring my attitude to nature's laws.

My only two problems are when I am there for that man, and money. I don't really have many other problems anymore, other than the normal aging process, and of course the usual daily life issues, yep, big and small.

It doesn't take away the sadness over losing mum.

1 comment
Intelligence Quotient, Emotional Quotient
Posted:Aug 16, 2012 12:16 am
Last Updated:Mar 28, 2024 3:10 am
10644 Views

IQ, EQ.

I feel strongly there should be a really important third one, namely Trauma [B]Quotient, as I have seen it both in myself, and with my own eyes in others, not once, over and over, so TQ.

If someone has had their IQ tested when they were comfortable about their life, and indicated a high IQ, then some kind of trauma happened to them, their IQ would drop, and they could end up talking as if they were borderline stupid, or sometimes more stupid than the stupid.

Psychology students already know that IQ tests are relative. That's a fact. If you give an IQ test written for a white Caucasian living in a rich city to an Arab nomad wandering in the desert, then he is likely to "fail" or appear to have a very low IQ. What they don't mention is that if you gave an IQ test written for a Chinese farmer to a white Caucasian, not only would the white Caucasian present as having a low IQ, they'd probably present as an idiot.

Psychology students know that IQ tests must be written with the whole test population in mind, for them to have any relevance at all. Fresh questions of the same calibre also need to be presented at any time that the test subjects need to resit the test, or sit it at a later date than the rest of the test population if there is a chance of "cheating".

I have never suggested that IQ tests did not have issues, however they can give an indication of the levels of problem solving ability in people if used correctly. Like all other tests, they just need to be prepared to suit the situation.

If they or the other Emotional Quotient tests are used, then the Trauma factor needs to be considered also. The reason it needs to be considered is because totally together and sane people can become blubbering idiots if presented with drama, and seem as if they never had any brains. However if you bother to ask questions of these people, and do some homework on them, you discover that if they suffered trauma at some stage, then before that, they were often quite normal and functional.

If this is important, then something very different also needs to be considered, and that is that the person with a high Trauma Quotient, (and that's pretty easy to work out if one asks questions and they are willing to answer) needs lots of consideration and understanding.

That is the most important thing, that people are considered in relation to what they have been through, and not just treated as if they should be normal at all times.

Just another thought of mine.

0 Comments
copyright and plagiarism
Posted:Jul 30, 2012 12:35 pm
Last Updated:May 10, 2020 5:48 am
11240 Views

Ok, just a small issue. You'd have to be an idiot to breach copyright. Oh, sorry, there are idiots in this world. Ooops!

Now, just for those who don't know what copyright and plagiarism are, it's really easy:

If you didn't write it, if you didn't compose it, photograph it, or create it, then it's not your work.

When it's not your work, it's really important to state that, either by adding something to the effect of "taken from....by ..." or saying something like "I didn't write this, I copied it from ...."
or anything that identifies who did create it, and where the original can be found, whenever you can give all of this information. If you really don't know, you might add something like: "I found it in a book I was looking at in the doctor's surgery... I can't remember exactly where, just I found it there."

If you don't cover yourself by adding where you found something, and pass it off as your own, there is every possibility that someone else could get really aggro, and decide to "fix you", and the person you have copied from, might just take you to court, and the judge might decide for you to pay the person who did create it, lots and lots of money. I'd prefer to just reveal my source.

Nobody is innocent, we have all copied in school for assignments, and as an adult, there were undoubtedly times we copied without referring to where we found it.

What is important is that you give credit where it is due from now on, so that you don't upset someone who ends up making your life a living hell.

Just a thought.

Something else, some things are created for income, so even though you add where you found it, if you don't have permission, then you are still in trouble. Do yourself another favour, and do make sure it's either ok to copy the thing, or do whatever is needed to get the permission to use the item. This also, could save you a lot of pain and heartache. Generally, if you are only sharing someone's joke, all you need is to share where you found it, however if you are going to get paid for something, you really need the correct permission to use the original in your product.

4 Comments
Mum is gone.
Posted:Jul 26, 2012 5:00 am
Last Updated:May 10, 2020 5:50 am
11316 Views

Last night I lost my mother. It's ok. It's not the greatest. It's ok.

It's a new beginning.

At this time in my life, I can consider the way my mother was there for me for many years, and how I can be there for my loved ones, one in particular.

That's what I can do to make life better, be there for those left behind.

I have a busy week or two ahead of me. I will step through each day, one day at a time.
3 Comments
Sometimes
Posted:Jun 16, 2012 5:52 am
Last Updated:Jan 21, 2014 4:25 am
11953 Views

Sometimes it's better if we don't share what we are feeling, as if we do, we might just hurt someone we actually care about . . .

. . . and that can be so hard to do, so I will go, before I hurt someone.
2 Comments
Last nail in the
Posted:Jun 16, 2012 5:40 am
Last Updated:May 10, 2020 5:52 am
11909 Views

I tried to write a post for someone yesterday, spent a bunch of hours writing it, and then deleted, as I didn't feel the result was the right post. I am sorry that I did not keep my word this time. Maybe other issues were clouding my mind.

Today, I put possibly the last nail in the "precious friendship is over" coffin.

I didn't enjoy it, just I don't see how I can fix things with someone who hasn't even considered saying sorry for how he spoke before Christmas. It is now six months ago.

I did add a small sms afterwards, namely that the flowers he saw on my dining table were made by and still are from my 's potential mother-in-law. They are still pretty in their way too, so she did a good job. I do hope she is earning good money from the business.

Why did I send that sms? Because it's true, and I saw what he thought when he saw them. He didn't say a word, when he could have asked. It definitely appeared that he assumed that they were from some man. That's not a good basis for even a friendship, even worse for a relationship, very rocky ground when someone doesn't bother to check.

Then there is this other thing. If someone sends a lady flowers, even if they are from a man she doesn't like, or a man who is no more than a friend, or anything like that, is there any reason on earth that she should discard the flowers???? I don't think so. If she is okay with the flowers, I think she should enjoy them. If however, she feels really uncomfortable with the flowers and doesn't want to keep them, then it's probably more clever to give them to someone else than toss them. Again, that's only my view. I think the lady should feel free to keep, give away or discard the unsolicited flowers, whoever they were from.

I don't think a man should judge a lady in a negative way for having flowers of any kind. She might just have grown them!

I do grow some gorgeous long stemmed pink roses sometimes, and may grow others in future, just not right now. Imagine if I put a really beautiful arrangement of flowers that I had made on my table, and someone like him walked in! He'd think that some man I was seeing had given them to me.

Oh, gee, I am getting more upset! I am going to have to let go, and unwind.

As far as that once precious friendship goes, I was a fool for not seeing through him. It's still very over, and amazingly still very painful, or tender if you like.

I am not used to getting told such awful things, and I don't think I will ever get used to being told things like that.

As I don't say things like that, it's just really strange.

Sorry, tonight, the old pain is partly freshly opened, not completely. I always cared. I always cared for him for his sake, and now I can't begin to do that anymore, so even if he thinks I am there for him, I am not, and if I am clever, never will be again, as he takes me for granted completely.

Anyway, he now has his health back, and doesn't need some lovely caring lady, and can go out and find some devil woman to play with.

... and I am not going to bother to let him know what he is missing out on!

He does not seem to understand that I am just that kind of person. He does not seem to understand that the way I cared about him came from the right place.

It's because I am feeling very hurt, that I am saying things that are not very nice myself. He is not a bad man, just he is not good for me, and that is a very good reason to walk away, permanently.

I did explain that if there is something he needs, he can ask, just the friendship is in the past. I will always be prepared to be there for that gorgeous dog, as she did her very best to make things better for him, and he did not see that.

None of it is my problem anymore, as I have walked away.

There are things I should have said and didn't, like if you play mind games, you will play me out of your life, so you really need to change your strategy around me. There may be other things I should have said, only right now I am feeling really female, and maybe it's old lady hormones. I have no idea. I am just feeling distressed, and no, I am not going to share any information as to where this is all coming from.

Anyone who knows me, knows that things don't tend to come out of nowhere with me. They know there is usually a reason for everything I do, just I don't want to say anything at all.

Darn! Sorry for my little rant. I don't know if this will clear anything up for me or not. It's all just a bit frustrating. I feel like I have had a few frustrating times lately.

I have also had some lovely times with people who understand friends only. It has been nice.

... and wicked me! I had a friendly cuddle from three different men in the last few weeks! Ooops! Nice! Only none of it was any more than friendly!

1 comment
Can't hang around! :))
Posted:Jun 13, 2012 10:39 pm
Last Updated:Jun 29, 2013 4:27 pm
11980 Views

Just a quick note to say, busy Busy BUSY!

I have been so busy with all sorts lately, that I have had no time to visit here. SORRY!

Last weekend there was a 21st. Then there is my gorgeous kitten! Then there are still all the other things that I want to do around here.

Yesterday I had a great day out!

I just noticed that I haven't mentioned any more on my chainsaw. I think it is too small for some of the cutting that I want to do. I could be wrong, and will seek guidance there, from someone I feel will guide me in an accurate way. The good news is that I spent a while using it last week some time.

I still have a touch more work to do on fences outside, and then it will finally be over, other than any maintenance that might need doing.

Once that is done, a touch more on the trees outside, and that will be up to date at last, not much at all there. Then catch up on trimming that didn't get done in summer, and prepare the odd bit of "garden" as in soil ready for planting whenever. The other winter I planted some really good winter veggies, only I did the odd thing wrong, as I experimented, and found I had bred a few hundred spiders at the same time, really not ideal if one wants to pick the veggies.

Then after all those things, it's back inside to do some useful things here, nothing but things to do, so lately this site has become almost a non-priority for me, only I really enjoy reading some blogs, so I will have to catch up on them really soon.

I hope all is good with those who care.

1 comment
Professional? Perfect? Ideals? Standards.
Posted:Jun 6, 2012 9:31 pm
Last Updated:Jun 6, 2012 11:54 pm
11903 Views

Hello! A long time ago, I had finished my Fashion Retail Certificate, and someone kept her promise for me to be her bridesmaid, well, sort of, as I was now "Matron of Honour". (You can't be a bridesmaid if you are married!)

Ok, now back to the story. I had to make my "bridesmaid's dress", (probably because I had done dressmaking) for this wedding, and had been given the fabric, a pattern, and anything else I needed for this project.

After I completed my fashion certificate, I hadn't touched a sewing needle for about two years, until situations arose, when it seemed stupid not to. Around this time was when I started making the bridesmaid's dress.

Here I was alone, perhaps more alone than ever for once, as I had tried to work on this dress at home, only my motherly duties kept getting in the way. In the end things were arranged for me to stay at Mum's, away from the distractions, have meals provided, and some cuppas as well, and no distractions so I could sew. The date of the wedding was getting quite close by this stage also. I think I had a week or so to go, and had spent about five weeks trying to get into it, without getting anything done.

I am not sure whether I had it cut out prior to this, or cut it out in this week. I do know that I felt pressured. Yes, isn't it lovely? When you feel pressured, you can make mistakes.

Ok, so the scene is set. I had read the pattern through, to get the general gist of how this pattern was saying the dress should be made, and decided to use it the way it was written, as I had no trouble understanding the process. I just found it annoying, as it had about five layers of fabric, facing, interfacing in the top, along with the "bones" to keep the dress up. It was one of those "fairytale" dresses, with the strapless, very fitted top, and the full skirt, this one with the standard wedding type thing of the extra train style piece at the back that could be removed for less formal wear, and a ruffle on the hem, lots of work.

When I originally cut it out, I nearly blew it, as there was almost not enough fabric, only at that stage, I was there with my then husband, and he looked things over, and suggested that maybe I should look again. I had said something about needing another two or three pieces of this part, and by checking, discovered that I had already cut them out. Don't pick on me. It was my first real project after the course was over, and I was feeling really pressured. I was so used to being able to contact a teacher, or sometimes a friend, and saying, umm, what do you think? ... that to not have that luxury, was "ahhh!" It was so scary! I was on my own! I felt really pressured, yet it was all a bit silly, as I did have the skills, just not the self confidence to trust my ability.

Just laugh at me, it's worth it here. So I had managed to cut out every single piece of this multi-pieced garment, and there were quite a few, without ruining things. It had worked out.

Now I was solo at Mum's, and I had started, and things were starting to hum. Then I started trimming what was needed because the front top was so fitted, that it needed to look like one piece of fabric, with "coincidentally" a seam or three in it, for shaping. There was the centre front panel, the side front panel, and the other side front panel. I had been working on joining all the layers, and thought I had succeeded.

There I was, trimming away, and I was looking at this piece, and I was thinking, this isn't right. What's wrong?? I looked again, did some checking, and discovered that I had sewn the piece incorrectly. It's so long ago now, I am no longer sure. Mum was out, so I couldn't talk to her, and she is no dressmaker anyway, not even an amateur! It would have been nice just to share!

I was looking at it, and thinking what do I do???? and more of what do I do??? and I had no idea. I was totally bamboozled, because I had upset myself. I was winding myself up, more, and more, and more, and more. In the end, I took Mum's phone, and dialled my husband, and burst into tears as I told him about it. (Uh, he was at work when I rang him.)

This was when my life changed, in one of the best ways. I will share.

He heard me out, and he was a man, not a dressmaker, only he had lots of skills too, in his area. He waited for the tears to settle a bit, and asked, can you do this?? Of course my initial reaction was no way! I was being the silly immature person that I still was at this time.

He said what if???? I said, yes, I suppose that could work. Maybe.

He said, "You are a professional now" He said: "It doesn't matter if it's not perfect. What does matter is that it looks perfect, and does the job it's meant to."

What the outcome was, is one of the seams around the centre front panel, ended up about one centimetre, which is just under half an inch out of position, by me unpicking, and I hate unpicking, just it was worth it. He had pointed out that nobody would even notice if that seam was that tiny amount out, except me, because I knew it was out. He was right. The dress turned out "perfect", and it did everything it needed to do for the occasion. The dress was even fine after laundering, which some aren't.

Now maybe it has taken a while to get to the point. For me, this day I learned a huge lesson, and that was about my standards, and what standards need to be met, which is where the reference to perfection comes in.

What is perfection?? This question has been asked by many times, and sometimes by adults.

Perfection is an ideal. Christians talk about perfection, and refer to a rose, only I have grown a few roses, and I can tell you that a rose covered in aphids, may be perfection, only I tend not to see it that way, as the petals are wrinkled up, and sometimes brown and ugly, and really not the way they tend to be in the glossy books.

For me, perfection is a standard that you can live up to. It's the "bar" that you set, that you will achieve, and there is no not achieving it, as such. Only when you are faced with a situation like I was that day, you need to reassess, and do what I was taught, totally fix the situation if you can. If not, go into "damage control". Sometimes damage control can be when in doubt, do nothing. Sometimes it's just a nip here, or a tuck there. It all depends on the situation. You work within your means, and the situation at hand. That's what damage control is all about.

So to be professional, I had to present a garment that appeared to be exactly what was asked for on this occasion, which I did. I have learned since, that even though I like everything to be authentic, and not only survive the day, but be usable a number of times after, it's not vital. Many professional fashion designers make garments that are literally "one day only". Some of those garments are held together by nothing more than pins or pegs, because of something that happened in the preparation process, like it did with me. Sometimes the model has gained weight, lost weight, or sometimes the model is ill, and a completely different model has to be used, so the garment that was complete, needs to be altered, and in a huge hurry, and that is why sometimes a garment is held together with nothing more than pins. For the purposes of a parade, it only needs to hold together long enough for potential to see the garments as they are planned to look. If the garment falls apart after the parade, it doesn't usually matter, as others can be made for whatever purpose they are needed for.

Today, I have "professional standards" that I tend to take into everything in my life, as I like it that way. If it's a food, it needs to taste the way the person cooking it intended it to, as in if it's for me, then it's the way I want it, and if it's for a third party, it's what they asked for, unless it's something I planned for them. In this case, I do take their personal likes/tolerance into consideration. The food needs to be hygienic as well, so preparation processes have to be taken into account, as well as the location of preparation, in order to ensure a proper "professional result".

If it's a garment, no matter who it's for, I want it to look great on the person the first time they wear it, and if possible, many more times, so I make the garment with that intent in mind. I have the skills, so it's no drama like it was back then. Even a special order, if I take my time, and don't let anything interfere, can be done.

Only at the moment, time is my big hindrance, as I really have no concept of time. Until that changes, I just have to live with myself, and not commit to anything that involves fixed time limits that I might not meet, or set things up with myself, so that even though there are time limits, I can do things in a paced way, that allows for my "indiscretions".

I like that "professional" finish in everything, so even if I am doing a bit of fence for myself, I work to make it meet a standard that I am happy with. With fences, as long as it all looks the same, that's already perfect, because that's all that's really needed with fences. It's just the way they are, and of course, the fence needs to serve the purpose it was built for, to keep people, animals, or birds or other, either in or out, or in some cases, just to look good, or hide something.

Back to perfection. Most of us learned that when something is perfect, it's 100%. Usually when we target that standard, things fall short a certain amount, so I have changed that.

When I do something that I want around for a while, I target about 110% or 120%. That way, if I fall short, I am still likely to achieve what people call "perfection". This way everything I do, tends to end up a "professional" finish.

Everyone has their own standards, their own ideals. I merely have mine, as I grew up in a city, that was international, and there people wanted things "perfect". If something fell apart after the first use, they could get quite upset, and cause lots of problems, so it's really important in that situation, to ensure that whatever you might do for these people, is up to their standard, rather than yours. It's really clever, if everything you do, fulfils what they are likely to want out of it.

Obviously, having grown up in that city, my standards have tended to be high, which is why I have gone into such detail with my standards.

We all have our ways, and sometimes it's hard to accept those of others, however, without all kinds, we would not have an interesting world, no matter what I want or think.

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