Goodbye 2011
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Posted:Dec 30, 2011 2:08 pm
Last Updated:Jan 4, 2012 3:42 pm
2334 Views
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Hello to you. I feel so happy this morning. It's the last day of 2011, so all the garbage of this year is now over. Some of it was sad, or painful, and that's ok.
There are some people in this world, who don't realise that their short dismissive statements can be painful, or maybe they do, and deliberately make those statements to hurt, only I am healing, and what has hurt during my healing time, is no longer so painful.
Now I am so happy that I want to write several blogs. If I get my act together, they will include:
They feel that I still love my precious friend.
I am emotionally free, and therefore available right now.
I am free to have sex, only I am not going to.
My bundle of joy??? with claws
New Years Eve 2012
The first three are not nearly as happy as the last two, only they are fine, as thanks to a good night's sleep, I have awoken nice and happy, despite the early hour.
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Nuances
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Posted:Dec 30, 2011 4:46 am
Last Updated:Apr 28, 2024 1:45 am
2357 Views
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Now there is a word that I love. I do understand it to mean, shades of meaning, hints of expression, or if you like, verbal colours. To me the word nuance is just full of colour in the verbal sense. Actually that's not quite true, more like hues and shades of verbal colour. All I am saying here is that the differences are much more subtle than just different colours. The differences can be quite small in meaning.
Now why even bring it up?? I love nuances. I do love hints of expression, and verbal colours, as in the language, that makes one feel one is really understanding what the writer is saying.
When I write, I like to include all the nuances, and other grammatical parts that make the writing clear, informative, and to the point that I want to make. Even punctuation marks can drastically change the way you read something, provided you actually follow them.
When someone reads my writings, they should never feel that they have to read between the lines, because I know the English language that is used in Australia, and I can express myself, much of the time, quite clearly.
Now I do know that when I am reading something, sometimes I am tired, stressed or my eyes might be sore for some reason, such as an allergy. When that happens, I don't notice the little word that tells me what the writer is saying, as I just can't focus properly. I do miss the meaning of what is written, and can totally misconstrue it.
This is a very good reason for reading pretty much everything that one is judging for whatever reason, a second time. So if I read something, and it sounds really bad to me, or really nasty, or something like that, that I find negative, it's really clever if I read it a second time.
When I read it a second time, chances are I will see the word that I missed, and then instead of misunderstanding the piece, I will actually acquire much more of the meaning that the writer ascribed to their writing.
Something else that I find will cause me to misunderstand a piece of writing, is speed reading, or other reading short cuts, which I have used a lot in my younger days. Only there are some people in the world, who even though they may be wordy, actually use every word to help them say exactly what they are trying to say, and if you speed read in any way, you might just miss the essence of what they are saying. I find this a really good reason to read every word, even if I read them as quickly as possible without me losing the gist of what I am reading.
There is one other issue, which I did already touch on, and that is stress. When I and others feel stressed, our comprehension skills just drop, noticeably. That is another reason for reading something at least twice, as if you are stressed, you may totally misinterpret what is being said.
A classic example for many adults is when they are going through a divorce, and the ex creates an affidavit, or even worse, a court document is delivered to the reader. The affidavit probably says exactly what the stressed reader is reading, as they tend to be rather volatile documents, made by solicitors reporting the "facts" as told to them by their . Only as in Chinese Whispers, a lot is lost in the interpretation, and the final product is rarely anything like the original situation was.
Now the court document, on the other hand, is something that the person reading it, is probably depending on. According to their opinion of what that document is likely to contain, they have a way of reading that into what is actually written, and actually not understanding any of the document, even though it was written clearly enough, as in perhaps in eloquent language, only not so complicated that only a solicitor can interpret it, rather now it is the reader who misunderstands it.
This is a big issue that happens with lots of people. I have seen it first hand with someone I had recently met. I was trying to explain, no, that is not what it says. The whole document had found in the man's favour, and he was totally stressed, thinking that the whole thing was against him, so when you are feeling this way, or even too pleased with yourself, it's a really good idea to read the item at least twice, in order to ensure you understood what it said, not what you wanted it to say.
What I would really like to stress here is that I do not inject meaning between the lines into my writings, any more than I do in my conversations. It's pretty much WYSIWYG, what you see is what you get. I say what I mean, as I use a lot of words to ensure that my meaning is conveyed, in such a way that almost anyone will understand it. I do not like misunderstanding something that I read or hear, so I do work on making sure it's not too hard for my reader.
Having said that, one can try as hard as one likes, and if the reader can't understand it, they won't. It's that straight forward.
That's life, unlike some writings, always complicated. I now feel that it would not matter what someone asked if I just felt like using the reply "it's complicated", because today, there seems to be nothing that's not complicated. (This issue could actually be age related, as when we get older, we know so many more potential issues that we want to make sure we have covered.)
In youth, you happily, blissfully head for your day's outing, totally unaware of the potential dangers. You might know about sunburn, and either being able to swim, or ensuring you have flotation devices that work for you in that situation. You might be yet unaware, that it's really important to make sure that particular water location is safe to swim in, without hidden dangers such as animal life that can hurt you in the water, out of the water, and perhaps some insects such as mosquitoes and dragonflies than can also hurt you out of the water. Whereas most older people know all these hidden dangers from experience, and even though they might not be jumping for joy in entering that water location, at least they know the hidden dangers, and are likely to be prepared for them.
So these are my words on the topic of nuances, and although I have verbally wandered, I suspect that my meaning has been conveyed.
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more words that I have fun with
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Posted:Dec 30, 2011 2:17 am
Last Updated:Apr 28, 2024 1:45 am
2235 Views
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I was just offered to go and skinny dip, so my response was "will you punish me if I misbehave?", and that is how I have turned more words around, as when I say that, I do not mean something related to pain or bruising. When I say that, it's very light hearted, and humorous. When I misbehave, it's usually a wicked grin, or a few spicy words in some sense, or it might be something I do that is directly related to intimacy, and until I have the other person's permission to do whatever it is that I have just done, it's misbehaving. Then they can choose whether they want to participate in the activity, or whether they would prefer not to "get up to mischief" with me, or as I said elsewhere not to "play with me".
All of this just puts a whole new spin on all those words that I used to associate with pain, with suffering and with bad things. Today I don't flinch, or suffer when I hear those words. Instead, I may be suppressing a grin, or grinning outright, whichever suits the occasion.
I don't just like it, I do love it, as it makes life so much more comfortable, and when there are angry or awful people around, the normal me turns much of what they say upside down in my mind, and makes fun of it all, so that none of it can upset me. I do have to be careful sometimes though, as I can forget that this person has no idea as to what I am talking about, and might really misunderstand something I say as somehow cruel or offensive.
As I really don't have a nasty bone in my body (all my bones are made of calcium and a few vitamins and minerals as far as I know), nothing I say is normally meant even the slightest bit negative, and of course, no matter how much we try, there is always something that will upset another, no matter how much we have learnt or tried to make things inoffensive.
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Another word or more.
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Posted:Dec 29, 2011 11:41 pm
Last Updated:Mar 22, 2012 12:52 pm
2598 Views
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"play"
When I say that, it takes on a whole new meaning too. I refer to what goes on behind closed doors, so I will ask a man if he would like to play? when I am feeling hot and bothered. With me, it can be just "wanna play???", or I can be really delicate and ask ever so sweetly, "Darling, are you in the mood to play?" or "would you like to play??" You should see the look on my face when I say any of those phrases, if looks could be bottled!!
The worst thing he will say is "no". Then I will reply with the epitome of female words and say "fine" in the most "huh!!" way I can, and usually turn away as if I am mortally offended.
I also use that word in relation to others. I might say, "he's married, and I don't play with married men", so again, I am referring to behind closed doors.
I thought that would be another term that I could share, and today, I am not the only one who uses it.
It's a bit like when I was talking to a lady who does reflexology massaging for her living. Yes, she is a professional masseur, and not the kind you "rub and tug" with. One day she shared with me, and this is what she told me: "you know, the other day I got asked to do a double heart!" I just looked at her, as I was not about to share my most intimate secret with her. As you are only likely to discover who I am if you happen to be a very special man, I will share here.
I use something called "depilatory creme". I am no longer sure if they still spell it that way, as these days a lot more is acceptable. For me, cream comes from cows, and hmmm, never mind. No, we are adults here. It can come from a male, or a female, and it can also emerge from a female's boobs, only then it's usually referred to as milk. I am not sure it should always be referred to as milk from there.
Ok, back to depilatory creme. For those not in the know, it's used instead of shaving, and only hurts if you leave it on too long, (as it is a chemical,) which can be anything more than five minutes, and the amazing thing is that even though I am allergic to pretty much anything, this substance tends to be ok, if I use it carefully. It has been very rare that it has been a problem for me.
It was hilarious the day I used it on my forearms before going to a wedding, as the five minutes had not seemed to work, so I left it on a bit longer, about another five minutes. Only, after I washed it off, it looked bright reddish pink, as if I had a severe sunburn, and although I no longer remember, I suspect it felt just as tight and dry.
Now, under the arms it's obvious. I just go for the full removal. However down under, I target firstly the bikini line for the rare occasion I might wear a skimpy bikini pant, in my case more likely behind closed doors again!  Then I also target the sides, so that there is firstly no beard hanging out the sides of my bathers, you know, in between the legs.
Then there is the issue that if I wear a one piece bather, (which a woman who has had often prefers; not only that, with them, there are so many problems that you don't have to worry about, like the elastic's gone, and the undies fall down, or you are water skiing, and you get up, only your undies don't stand up to the occasion) the high cut leg would reveal more "public hair", and there is another of my terms that I have fun with. I do like to trim the hair at the sides so that it doesn't peek out of bathers. No wonder so many these days just take the lot off.
Now, back to the hearts.
There was this lady, telling me about how someone had requested a double heart, and also about the Brazilian, and I asked her what that was. She said it's when you take all the hair off, so "nude" if you like. Here I was, knowing that as a result of this trim here, and that trim there, the result before the end is a lot like a wide cone shape. Take a tiny notch out of the top, and round the side corners, and there is a heart, the point disappearing between the legs. That easy. One day, many years ago now, I did that, liked it, and have done it every time since. Only that was done when I was actually dating, or seeing a man. As I am not seeing any men now, there is no heart, or if there is, it's a very vague representation, as I am definitely not out to tease at this time.
So you and I now both have the question, how on earth do you do a double heart?????
Umm, if you know, please do tell me, as that intrigues me. To me, it would not be terribly artistic, but then that again, is only my opinion. As it is, I say I am a designer, which means that I would not know artistic if I fell over it, so maybe I should mind my own opinion, so to speak!
As I think about it, I suspect that for a double heart, you'd do a larger notch out of the middle, for the separation of the two hearts, and then smaller ones in the top of each side, only to make it more artistic, you'd deliberately "accidentally" make one higher or lower than the other. (Back to the glass half full/empty thing again!)
Sorry, too open for some???
You'd be amazed at what I don't tell! It's a lot more than you would think, and only some who actually know me, know that this is very true, as they know, nope, she never mentioned that, and she never mentioned that, and she left that out! Never thought she'd leave that out, really quite amazing, hmm???
Oh, and if I ever call you sweetheart, prepare your heart, as it could be a rocky road! Having said that, some are called sweetheart, because they really are a sweetheart, so until it happens, you will never, never know, just as when I call you "my Dear". That also, can be nice, or downright critical, depending on your latest behaviour.
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Private words!
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Posted:Dec 29, 2011 9:43 pm
Last Updated:Jan 3, 2012 4:35 am
2389 Views
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There has been so much doom and gloom in my posts recently, that it really is time to lighten things up a bit, so here I will share with you some of my most private words.
Just remember, that you are very privileged to have them shared with you! Please?
I just read the blog of someone who has the most beautiful mind, and his name is based on one of my favourite and previously quite secret words. The word is "impaled" and the meaning will be obvious as I share. It's quite a few years ago now. A young man met a really awful end to his life when he was impaled on a fence post after harassing people the whole day prior to this accident while at an amusement park. Now the aim of this word's use was never to offend any, as until now it was always kept very secret. This is an adult site, and I would never reveal this to a .
As I was in a slightly aroused state at that general time, and I was not thinking about bad things, only things erotic, I was imagining landing on that post, only the right way up, female style (and the post possibly being a lot smaller than it must have been). My comment was something like this "ooch, I'd hate to be impaled like that, but wouldn't I love to be impaled!" My companion looked at me with a somewhat bemused look, however did understand. After that we were quite occupied for at least an hour or two.
We will not mention KFC anymore, as the have discovered the meaning of that exotic meal!
As an outcome of some pretty distressing experiences, when I heard the phrase "just beat me up" in a movie one day, and watched as the character was fully expecting to have himself punched to the ground, and then have his head kicked in. Sorry, when I heard that phrase, it wasn't the words, it was the way he said it, yummy! I loved it, and it just brought a whole new meaning to that term, for me, yet for me the word "beat" or any version of that such as beaten, beating, all had terrible meaning for me.
On this day, I was about to change that, and I did. "Just beat me up" became a code phrase, relating to private activities, involving a "rod" and some "balls"! So now when someone says the team really copped a flogging, I am thinking oh, ok, should be interesting, and visualize a bunch of mean being sexually pleasured. When I hear that he was going to beat the crap out of her, I visualise him really hammering away with his organ.
When I get asked, would you like me to give you a hiding? my response is "oh yeahhh!!!" as I visualise being put over his knee and being penetrated in quite an unusual way, or perhaps being spanked with a large and very soft feather before being taken advantage of (with my permission of course).
So I really do like the concept of being put over a man's knee and being given a good spanking. ... Sounds just lovely to me!
I'd like to share more private words with you, only right now I can't think of any of them. I think I am too caught up in the moment! I might have to write another blog about them on another day when I think of them!
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Still a touch angry.
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Posted:Dec 29, 2011 4:17 pm
Last Updated:Jan 4, 2012 10:58 pm
2423 Views
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Wow. That's a lot of writing about one person, and it's not quite done yet. The good news is that yesterday at last I started crying, only it's now in drips and drabs. The person that I had tried to get on the phone finally caught up with me, after a number of hours of me wanting to go outside and do a bit of work, however once we got talking, I finally started to cry, so now the anger is starting to melt.
The sad part is that my anger still has a way to go before it melts completely.
Why is it that as a I had no idea why I'd burst into tears as I carried on in anger? Yet now I know exactly what it is. The crying is about dissolving the anger, letting it melt away as the tears wash all that distress away.
I am sure that I will cry again soon, as I am feeling incredibly sensitive. It's all good. No wonder I won't go into chat rooms. I feel way too sensitive and vulnerable these days.
I do hope your Christmas felt more positive than I do at present. New Year in a day or so. I hope these tears are gone by then.
If I don't get back here to wish it, I do hope your New Year brings positives in your eyes for you, whatever they might be.
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Still so angry
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Posted:Dec 28, 2011 7:08 am
Last Updated:Apr 28, 2024 1:45 am
2243 Views
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Tonight I almost cried, and I thought if I can talk to a certain person on the phone, I might cry now. That person was not available. Then the tears evaporated, as I remembered just how angry I still feel, not at the person I wanted to talk to.
I am still so angry at being told "you are not in it for me". I'd like to know who I walked the for for the two months that I did walk it, if it wasn't for him! I'd like to know why I was always doing anything I could to be there for him, if it wasn't because I really cared and felt we got on great. I am so angry, that I don't think there is any going back, because he has told me before that he is stubborn, and I know how stubborn I am, and I am female. If he is male and stubborn, there is every chance that he will never try to apologise, as he has previously suggested, never try to make up for what he said.
I don't think that it would make any difference any more. I gave a damn about him, and look where it got me. He is not very emotionally mature, or he would have realised how much I put up with from him. He would know that the way he behaved is that of a thirteen year old, and he is supposed to be three years older than me!
Anger, anger, anger. I am not going to be of any use to him now, as I have just become too angry. Before I could not understand why I couldn't cry. Now I understand, because I am so angry, the tears are just not going to start at all. I am too angry. Why do we let things get to us so much sometimes?
Who knows. I just know that as a human, sometimes despite all the courses, all the training that I have been given, I just get all emotional about something, and even though not one loud or crude word comes out, the emotions are still there, just in a different form.
I am not making sense here from what I can see. I will try to be a bit more rational. I feel that he behaved in a way suitable for a thirteen year old when he said that I am not there for him. I feel that what he did next, was in the same vein.
I was totally offended, not so much by what he did next, as the concept that I was not in it for him, because I was never there for anyone else. I was really badly damaged when I first met him. I looked at him, and how he had gone through this and that, and I saw that he was really badly traumatised, and he was also much of what I would really like in a man that I might be attached to. When he said that he did not want a relationship, I accepted that, despite the way I felt about him. I had thought it through, and understood the logic. This way we would always be friends. It was good. Only now it seems that his rules have changed.
This year he became angry at me on at least two occasions. He really distressed me, and I went home and just cried, and cried. I feel that I have been there so much for him over my healing years, and he has healed a lot. He has several male friends, and he seems a lot happier than I ever saw him before.
Now he has met a lady who is giving him a piano, and she will stay friends. Good, he can have piano lady, because I did all I am going to do. When he needs company, he can call her. I am gone. I never asked for anything in return, and absolutely loved the company he gave me over the years. He didn't have to do a thing, other than be himself. I just loved him for what he was. Only now there is so much garbage around him that I am sure that I just can't go there any more.
He did tell me what happened to him. He told me all the little details a long time ago. He told me his health issues, every little one plus the big issues. He told me things that with another person would put him at risk, if he had upset them the way he has me, only it's me here. I don't hurt anyone, not in spite, not in revenge, why you have absolutely no idea as to who this man is, and if you do, it's only because like me, you will not abuse that knowledge. I know every detail of his financial situation, details of his 's lives, so much.
Any intelligent adult would know that when you share this kind of information with someone, either you really trust that person, or you are really putting yourself at risk. I know likes and dislikes of his. I wonder how much of this piano lady knows at this time???
As I said previously, to be his lady would be a huge burden, which only the strongest, both physically and emotionally of ladies could take on.
What really offends me is that over time, I looked at him several times, thinking "if I really were his lady, how on earth would I care for him, were anything to happen?" I was deeply concerned that I would not be strong enough to care for him in crisis. This thought made me glad that even though I'd never deliberately fail him or let him down, I was just a friend, nothing more.
So to even hint that I wasn't in it for him, would not go down well with me, when I had so often been concerned that maybe I would not be able to be everything that he needed.
I am glad that he is gone now. He really was going to be nothing but a big burden for me as time passed. Now I no longer have to shoulder that burden.
The reason I did stay was because it always felt easy to do anything he ever asked. As long as I felt I could do things for him, I was prepared to, and as far as I am concerned, he never asked me to do anything for him. If he did, it was easy to do, only all I remember is the pleasures that I had around him, not any work.
To me, that is real love, when it doesn't matter what happens, you just can do anything for a person, that they might want or ask for. No matter what they want, it just feels that it will never be too painful. You will always find the inner strength, and that is how it was with him, why I stayed.
Only now it's different. I can't do anything for him any more. He will just walk all over me, again, and again, and again, and that's why I can never go back again.
Umm, I don't think I need to make it clear to you. I think it's me that needs to understand that there really is no going back, not even if he were to turn up and beg, which will never happen.
The problem would be that I would feel I want to see if he is ok, see how he is going, and then I'd go and visit, and he'd be nice for the first visit or fifty. Then he'd turn on me again. That's the problem. He will always turn, just like a man who hits.
There is really very little difference between the physical and this. He cannot see that this is a problem, never has been aware of it. Only as the woman on the receiving end, I am very aware, and before, I wasn't really strong enough to stay away. Nor did I really want to stay away, as before there were the health issues that were a legitimate excuse in my eyes.
Only they are no longer an excuse. He has healed so much that he is no longer miserable, is living a really positive life, even if he hardly gets much done at all. He has a life style that even if it's not great, he is working on it, and moving forwards, not backwards. He is not going to go backwards any more, and if this lady is what he wants, then he can have her. I have been wonderful for him long enough.
It's time I started living for me, not him, as I still have a lot more healing to do than he does. I really haven't moved forward that much, and I need to for me.
So there, next time that I feel tempted to even consider him, I really need to look back at this blog, the "Still so angry" one, and read it to remind me that no, it will never work, not even as friends any more.
Funny really, I feel that at an earlier time I did give him the address of this blog, so he'd know where I am coming from. Amazing how some people just don't see.
I am happy with me, as I see that even if I am going on about this, it's only because I know that as someone else said, it would not take much for me to be there for him again, and that's why I do need to go on about it, for me, to remind myself over and over, until it does sink in. This man is not for me, never was. It's lovely that I was there for several years for him. It's really nice, and yes, I really did have lots and lots of love for him, only that died the instant he said what he did recently. Still, I know how I have gone back to see how he was in the past, and at those times I had cried many tears.
It is really strange how I have absolutely no tears, just real anger. It's so different. I don't really understand why, or what is going on inside me, except that I do know it's time to move on.
I can stay with the celibate thing, just I know now I do need to make a few new friends if I can, or find new things to occupy myself, so that I do not get tempted to go back. If I did, I'd only be hurting myself, and I strongly believe in not hurting myself, if I can avoid it.
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Somebody said something . . .
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Posted:Dec 27, 2011 3:34 pm
Last Updated:Apr 28, 2024 1:45 am
2375 Views
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Recently, somebody said something to me one day, out of the blue, which stunned me.
They said: "I am a Satanist". My first reaction was why did this person say that? I was thinking was this a "drama queen" thing? Was this person serious? I was really stunned, so I said nothing at the time, about what I had just been told, as I needed time to think it over. The outcome was devastating, only I don't want to go there right now.
About a week later, I did go online and look up 'Satanism' and it seems there are quite a few varieties. Ok, that makes it a bit complicated as there is your garden variety, the "atheistic satanist", who is not really any more than someone like me, who no longer has a religion, only for some reason they are called this name. I am not sure why they are called that, as I feel that would be an offensive thing to call me. I do not see myself like that.
There is another variety who are just teenagers calling themselves 'satanists' to cause a stir, get negative attention, and to perhaps upset some, just for the fun of it. I am sure lots of us have met that type. They often dress up in black, or as "goths", and do anything else they can to get negative attention.
I actually like the look when it's done properly, even if some see it as bad. To me it looks really smart. There are those who would remember "The Addams family" I loved their looks, always so smartly dressed, and they didn't wear extremely long fingernails, and most don't wear them, just the black nail polish.
Then there are quite a few different religions, all under a similar umbrella of actually worshipping a "deity" with horns. Different ones started at different times, a few in recent times, as the world became a more accepting place. The various different ones practice different rituals, some offending people like me, or people of more accepted religions. However it is wrong to assume that all of these religions go to extremes, as many don't.
Again, I really like some of the symbols, which others find extremely offensive or inciting fear in themselves. I just look at symbols as symbols, chosen by some to represent certain things, only unless I know what the symbols really represent, they are nothing more than "etchings" that I can either like or dislike. I do love stars, so a pentacle for me, is something very pretty, no matter what others might use it for. I have always had an issue with any concept that it could be bad, as it is a star. Then it seems some others even have an issue with certain star shapes, if they have the wrong number of points. To me a star is a star, and a five pointer is much easier to draw by hand, however a six pointer is much easier to draw with accuracy with drawing tools. Anything with less than five points doesn't look very starry to me, and anything with more than six points can be quite difficult to draw, so I suspect that few draw a star any other way, except when one does it like an asterisk. Then again, it is quite pretty to me. I was given a necklace by my father as a . I was told it was an Egyptian symbol of fertility. I just loved it because my father gave it to me, so I wore it endlessly. People made various comments at different times, and today, I would feel very judged if I wore the same symbol, yet it was never intended to mean something, nor to offend. It was merely a necklace that I was given, nothing more. If I were to explain it, it was shaped much like the symbol of a female, only in a circle. If I saw it, I'd recognise it immediately, only I have forgotten its' exact appearance over time. My apologies.
I look at all this and go "what?" Isn't it bad enough that there are religions? I do apologise if anyone finds my opinion distressing in any way. I just find all of this really distressing, as I find the churches are trying to control the way I live already, and I don't need another different lot of people trying to control me as well, however now that this subject has arisen, I am sure that certain people of different types of religion have tried to control me a lot over the years, and that has annoyed me greatly. Only rather than go into it, I would prefer to stay with my stance.
That stance is that I am no longer of any organised religion.
Because I have certain inner qualities, that some would call "gifts", such as having a darned good idea of what is going to happen sometimes, and sometimes in very accurate detail, not always - because I have these inner qualities some have called me a "white witch", and I understand why they have called me that, only under freedom of religion in Australia, I have the right to choose not to have a religion, and I do choose to call myself either a believer in "nature" or as having no religion. My gifts can also be labelled in christian ways, so it would definitely not be fair to label me one way or another because of my gifts, as they can be seen as either foresight or premonition. They can also be called other names, which right now, I have forgotten.
I do not want to be pressured into choosing a different direction just because I no longer am affiliated with a church as such. As it is, I am recorded as being of three different faiths, being born into one, and having involvement with two others at different times in my life, and if I were to choose one, I'd stick with my birth one, more to do with the people I know from my childhood than anything else. However I am not really religious in any way any more, and I feel I have the right to choose that.
To me, to choose to go in the direction of the "antithesis" of christianity is even less productive than the religion itself.
I know there are those that feel witchcraft is a religion thousands of years older than christianity, only it is once again a "religion", so not acceptable to someone like me who feels it is all superstition and fairy tales. It is how I feel, and I have the right to feel this way, just as you have the right to your beliefs.
To me, Science is about proving theories of chemistry, biology, and physics, to do with real life, and I accept science as real. If it can be repeated in a controlled environment, and if it actually helps us survive, then it is ok, which science does.
I also accept that herbs were the foundations of modern medicine, and unlike drugs, still have the support substances in them, which makes the taking of the "safe herbs" in a way that is known to be safe, acceptable to me. I have studied a number of books over the years, and even everyday herbs like sage and rosemary, must be used carefully and in moderation. This is something that many people are unaware of, that herbs are actually to be treated with care, just like drugs, and until you know they are 'safe', it's really clever not to take too much of any. The one that I would really consider safe, is curly parsley, as it can be used in tabouli, in large quantities. I find that all other herbs need to be respected, and used in suitable quantities only, after finding out what is ok and what the side effects of excessive doses would be.
Women who know they can miscarry should leave celery alone for the duration of their pregnancy, as it is called an 'abortifacient'. Yet, celery is known as a vegetable to most of us, and seen as quite useful in losing weight because it is a good source of fibre, as well as being a source of useful vitamins and minerals. It is also known as a 'diuretic' meaning that it helps you lose fluids.
When one has been a part of rituals and practices in churches, or other practices which were culturally based, it's sad to no longer have any of that. I would like to initiate new rituals in my life which are not based on religion of any type as such, however rituals which are acceptable to those of any background, and I am working on that right now.
For me the first of those practices, is to celebrate Christmas in Australia, no matter what religion one might be, in a way that is neither meant to offend or in any way interfere with other's beliefs. For me, Christmas is about gathering with family, and other loved ones, making sure one catches up with all of them in the few days over Christmas as long as one has the financial means, and spending some positive time with them to emotionally nurture and support them. If not possible, then one might have to just spend more time at home, or in other company.
This is only my opinion, and quite a few people will agree with me. There will be others who don't.
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Christmas 2011, and how it was for me.
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Posted:Dec 25, 2011 9:47 pm
Last Updated:Apr 28, 2024 1:45 am
2261 Views
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Hello, my Christmas was nice. The day before, everything that could go wrong, went wrong, and I was so upset, that I burst into tears when someone said I looked like I could use a cuddle. That upset me more, in case I cried all over her shoulder, and I probably did, only that was the crunch and I no longer had any control over my distress.
I had seen a beautiful blue-tongued lizard alive one moment, heading for the middle of the main road, then by the time I managed to turn around and return, the creature looked like he might already have been hit by a car, and I still climbed out of my car to check, only as I was looking, another car came along and the whack left no doubt as to his new condition. It was terrible. I was shaking with distress, and had cried out.
This was on the way to my mechanic, so instead of me being diplomatic or tactful, I suspect I was neither. I don't know. I just know that he denied all, said a few things that really upset me, and I left even more upset, and now he looked angry as well, just in time for Christmas.
My washing machine had broken down the day before, and I had decided to have faith, and leave it alone for a while. I had thought things through, and remembered that it had done the same when I first had it, only then a technician had fixed it under warranty. This time, I decided that maybe if I just waited until the morning, it would work, so before I went to the mechanics, I had done about five loads of washing that I had meant to finish the day before, because yes, it did work in the morning. It was a bit touchy still, only once I managed to get it to work once, I had just stayed with it, and it worked out.
I had picked up my mower two hours late after the work was done to it, only he seemed ok about that.
Anyway, the picture is clear here. The day before our celebration, I was supposed to get on the road, and travel to Mum's, only I was so upset by the bad things, and a touch frazzled with all I had to do, that I just decided that I really needed a cuppa, and after that I felt that wasn't enough, so a few later, I finally decided that firstly I was much better now, only it was too late to travel, and I thought, oh dear, so I have to face all this again tomorrow! At this stage, I really needed a bit of dinner! I decided that even though it sounded negative, it would work. I'd be better in the morning. I also decided that if the lead up was this bad, Christmas would be really nice.
When I rang Mum to inform her, she was upset, and it was distressing, only once the new day arrived, somehow, I did manage things, and was on my way early enough to feel much better about choosing to stay another night at home. Even though I was late, at least I was nice and peaceful. The trip was fine, and I didn't end up suffering some awful fate at all, as I felt positive before I left. Mind you, I still had a few moments that I really had to keep myself together, as I remembered the previous day or two.
Mum was herself once I arrived, and one cannot expect any different. We had a few hours together, and actually arrived at the "do" on time, even first for once, and she commented later once everyone had arrived. For me, I found that a touch annoying, only I decided that this was her, not me, so it was fine.
The celebration went really well, and towards the latter part, I made an academic decision for everyone, and of course, someone didn't like it, only we worked in that direction anyway, and it all worked out in the end. Everyone appeared very happy with the way the day turned out. I did miss my , as they were unable to attend, and it is debatable as to when I will actually see them again. We went to my sister's for a cuppa afterwards, and it was lovely. Then once I had Mum home, I caught up with someone for a quiet chat, and that was nice. Then it was late, and for me, my celebrations were now over. After a very quiet night, yet a bit sleepless, it was time to have a few last moments with Mum before heading off. Then it was off to my brother's. I had a lovely cuppa there, and caught up with their and checked out all the things they have been doing recently. It was all really nice. Then I headed home, made it here around lunch time, and found beautiful peace here, really nice.
I checked out the new fish, and it looks like maybe they are still alive. I have to do a bit soon, to ensure they stay that way, only at the moment, I am trying to just take it easy and be in a quiet place emotionally, not a work place, as it won't be long, and I will start making up for eight years off, at least I do hope to do that. I am trying to really make the most of this Christmas break for me, as I am going to really try and get back into life from now on, even if I don't get out and go out, I want to get back into the work side of things, be that around home or to earn money. I just want to get out there and get things done, like the old me used to.
For me, I think this Christmas was really nice, and the memories will stay with me as I try to move forwards in my life.
I feel that I have a few in my life, who realise that I really need some emotional support. One feels that I am really not ready to get back into the real workforce, as in the sort where your job depends on you being on time. That is frustrating, as I really want to try. He says I am not trying to hurt you. He basically explained that he doesn't want me to embarrass myself if I fail. I find that really nice. Another keeps in touch lots, and makes me feel as if he really likes me. Another is showing that even if he is in my past, it's ok, as he will be there for me when he can, and that is also nice.
I really hope that I lose none of these, as none of them are around a lot. I can't reach out and be sure that one of them will be there when I reach out. I can only hope that whichever one that might be, that he will be there, and that's just how it is at the moment. I would neither say I have lots of friends, nor would I say that I am friendless, as there are others that I keep in touch with occasionally as well. I just have to be patient, as I need some pretty special people to help me get back into life, and if they are there for me, I feel that I will make it. Just I still need patience until I get there.
So now, I feel good about myself and my current life, and am looking forward to my preparations for the new year, which for me will again be very quiet, as I am planning to stay home at present. I can't see anything happening to change that.
I do hope that you are feeling good about your life at the moment.
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Spiritual and what that means for me
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Posted:Dec 18, 2011 1:13 pm
Last Updated:Apr 10, 2012 10:59 pm
2479 Views
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As a , I attended church, because that's what my mother and other female relatives did. It was accepted practise for people to attend church.
Today I am my own person, and have made my own decisions. I decided a few years ago, that I am spiritual, and this is a condition that has evolved for me, rather than a fixed condition.
When I attended church as a , certain people seemed really nice. They were described as spiritual. Being the I was, I asked "what is spiritual?" I was told that spiritual is when someone has their religion inside, and they take it really seriously, so they practise what they believe. I found that spiritual people were the nicest people in the church, as just as I had been told, they were sincere, and real about their religious practises.
I however, have left the church, yet I still see myself as spiritual.
I am not Christian, nor am I the antithesis of Christian, nor am I any other religion.
I do believe that my life force is pure energy, meaning nothing more than that. I do believe that if you choose to use your life force in positive ways, then it will be good for not only you, for those you use it around as well. I feel that your life force is directly related to your willpower.
When I say I am spiritual, I mean that I am sincere, just as those spiritual people in church were. I am sincere in my caring for others, in my faith in survival, nothing more. I am sincere in me working very hard to lead a loving caring life because I am one of millions on this planet, and if I am loving/caring to others, then maybe when I have a need, I will be treated with loving/caring.
I do not have a religion. I only have a philosophy, as I feel that religions are not good for people. I feel that religions encourage some people to do terrible things, be those religions eastern or western. I find that all religions have a really bad factor in them, that gives followers of them justification to do really bad things in the name of their religion. That is my problem with religion. Not only that, religions were not created by any "God". They were created by people to control other people.
Have a look at how suffer fear when they are told that Santa is watching them, and if they are bad, they will get no presents. They are also told that "God" is watching them, and that if they are bad, "God" will know and they will suffer the consequences. Now that is a great way of gaining control over a . However it does instil a really strong sense of fear in that which has repercussions throughout the 's life. It never feels strong or safe within itself.
Even though as a parent, I did prefer it when my did what I said without question, it was really nice to have who thought for themselves, despite their refusal to be co-operative in our home. It was really hard raising with absolutely no religion, just those like both their father and me, are the nicest, most caring adults you will ever meet, and that is the most wonderful thing I have done in my life, raising two wonderful . If you have a problem, my will listen to you, be concerned about your problem, and if there is a way, they will help you find resolution, because that is what they saw their father and mother do throughout their childhood.
Today those two don't know what happened to me, not what really happened. They know I went through those dramas. What they don't know is the way I was shunned and abused when I was traumatised, the way I was treated like I was a drug addict, even though I do not like substances. They don't know how charities in this area treat me like somebody not worthy. It's ok, because I believe that what goes around comes around. I do believe that nature has a "bank account" in which everything you give out does affect what happens to you, only in a scientific way. Just as gravity says what goes up, must come down, in the same way, if you give out bad, bad will come back to you, not in a superstitious way, in a very real way, relating to the laws of nature.
I do believe that there is a very real chance that I will meet someone a lot like me, who I will get on with in a really special way. I did come close to that when I met my "precious friend", only he was right, he is not for me, never was, and never will be. He really did offend me the other day, in a big way. He will not come back begging my forgiveness, and that is ok too. I don't mind that he is out of my life. I am sad, as he was a real source of information. Just if he thinks that I was there for me, then he has a lot to learn about genuine loving. I did love him, and I do not love him at all now. It was never infatuation. It was genuine, which is why it is now gone. The love I did have for him, was choice, not uncontrolled infatuation.
The weirdest thing, is how I have been unable to cry over losing him from my life. That is really strange to me.
Back to spiritual. Because I am spiritual, everything seems to be easier to both endure and accept as more time passes. It just all fits together with the "enjoy the bad, because without the bad you can't have good" thing.
I do wish that every moment of your day is a moment that you want to live.
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ok, my dream
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Posted:Dec 15, 2011 4:02 am
Last Updated:Apr 28, 2024 1:45 am
2325 Views
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Ok, I have admitted my dream elsewhere, so I will admit it here. It was really strange. At the time, I was still friends with that "precious friend". I no longer remember all of it, just that we were somewhere, wherever that might have been, no idea, not relevant, and we were ourselves. Instead of doing his usual, he just came up and kissed me. What I really remember is that the kiss was a kiss that said "he's not in love with me", and that's a really weird thing to dream. It's not like we were in any way uncomfortable in the dream. It was all fine. The lead up was fine, the kiss was fine, and what followed was perfectly natural and ok, only I don't really remember the follow up. I am not sure if the surprise of him kissing me woke me. Don't quote me, I could be wrong, and may have dreamt a bit more before waking. I do think I did.
That dream haunted me all day, until I saw him next. I could see that the dream was not about to come true. I just had no idea why I had the dream. I kept asking myself "why did I dream that kiss if it was a kiss that said he doesn't love me?". Why bother? Maybe the dream was my premonition of what was about to happen, as if I remember rightly, the drama did happen the next day. It's not how my premonitions normally happen. All weird.
I only made a deal with him recently that if I had a premonition, I'd put it up here, so that if it came true, the proof would be here. Only when you have a dream like that about someone who has made a deal with you that no matter how you feel, they will only ever be "friend", how do you even talk about it? Now it doesn't matter anymore, as once again, my premonition was totally different to the final outcome, this time not because of me, just because it was different, however with the same message, "he's not into me".
The more I blog about it, the more I think about it, the more I start thinking "who cares?" I am not sure I care that much anymore. Yes, I did care, and yes, if I see him, I might really have some flutters now, or whatever they are when you feel like a that has somehow been sprung or something.
His is on this site, and she may read my blogs. He might even read my blogs, and just do his usual, making out he is totally uninterested in my online life. None of it is my problem anymore, as once I get to a certain point, I tend to never go back.
I'm not going to finish catching up with blogs tonight, as I seem to have too much to say, so I will have to come back soon.
I just feel tired now, and don't miss anything at the moment, nor do I have any pain from sadness now. It's not actually good to not feel, better to suffer the distress, and move on. Hopefully the distress was dealt with today, when I had the pain.
I am going, not sure I am making sense anymore.
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An apology to my fellow bloggers
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Posted:Dec 15, 2011 3:28 am
Last Updated:Feb 11, 2012 1:10 am
2404 Views
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I do apologise to my fellow bloggers. I seem to have even more difficulty keeping my responses short on other people's blogs than on my own. I just seem to be so wordy! Please forgive me for now, as I suspect it's just a phase I am going through, and when I least expect it, I will be back in the land of the brief and to the point writing. It's just not happening for me at present.
Humble apologies.
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Moving on?
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Posted:Dec 15, 2011 1:02 am
Last Updated:Mar 21, 2012 2:31 am
2652 Views
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How are you? I was feeling really sad a while ago. Since the other day, I have had a kind of pain in my chest, only it's not a physical pain as such, and when someone returned my call, I described it as "sort of as if all the salt is gone from your body". Well it's difficult to describe, feels like there is something missing all through my chest, and that would describe how I feel emotionally, as if someone has been ripped from my life, only he's not dead. Well actually my uncle is, died on November 21, only I feel this pain is about my now no longer precious friend. I was expecting to cry over it, and I couldn't. The closest I have come is getting moist eyes, and then a touch teary for about a minute, yet I felt like I needed to get it out of my system with tears.
Because I walked that gorgeous every day, the is missing from my life, big time, and yes, I knew that could happen. She is just so lovable. I did as a result have a few more times sitting chatting with her owner, just the walk was pretty much daily, as I only missed the odd one, if it was too wet, or if for some reason I didn't make it, which did happen a few times when I first started walking her. I will miss the cuppas, just the walks made me feel better about myself. Right now, I am not at the point where I know how I want to fill the hole that the walks have left. I have been planning to advertise walking dogs, as I need income anyway, just I haven't quite made it there yet. I think I need a bit of time solo, or just moping before I get out there looking at that. Maybe like men, I just need to hide away for a short time. Once I am over that, I will pick up and get back out there.
About that pain. Right now it's gone, and it seems that after I had a supportive phone call which turned into three because of time limits, I was starting to feel a bit better, only the pain was still there, and I wanted it gone. Between a few mini blocks of chocolate, a few ginger bread biscuits, and a few cups of tea, the pain is really gone, literally. Now I can choose which of the remedies worked. I suspect it was the combination, someone chatting to me, the cuppas and the chocolate and biscuits, although I have been told that sugar is an anti-depressant, and it would be fair to say that how I felt was reminiscent of depression, only it wasn't actually depression, just sadness.
I think I will always be sad that I was so misunderstood, only I will never be able to change another person. I can only ever change myself, and even that has limits.
One door closes, and another door opens, so we just have to accept that that is life, and move on, even if it takes a little bit.
I have finally found smiles inside me, and they weren't there before I wrote this blog, so that's really good. I do hope you are feeling positive, as that is really good for your health.
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To link to this blog (oneladybrijit) use [blog oneladybrijit] in your messages.
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