Not handling things
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Posted:Oct 6, 2011 3:07 am
Last Updated:Oct 31, 2011 8:33 pm
1431 Views
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I don't think I can do this anymore, not even as friends. I will not be rude, however I am not sure I can do this anymore. If I take a while to get back to you, please forgive me. Maybe I am wrong. It has been a big day. Right now everything seems too much. I do wish you all the best.
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my attitude today
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Posted:Oct 5, 2011 5:55 pm
Last Updated:Feb 22, 2012 5:20 pm
3148 Views
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Everyone has their good days and their bad days. That's ok, as it's life. Right now I just finished writing those awful posts, so I am not in the best place.
Only, I am a positive person, or I would not be alive to share what happened to me. I don't need a medal. I just need the caring of those around me. I do need friends, and they seem to be more absent than present. It's not that I don't have people that care. Lots of people care, when they hear the awful things in my past, lots of people feel for me. Many people are scared that my "bad luck" will rub off on them. They can't see the good in my life. I think I am the luckiest person alive, as I am more fit, more healthy than almost any my age, and am not on any medication that I must take. How many can say that at my age? (a real bonus behind closed doors)
Then there are the others, who find fault, criticise, nitpick, and are just awful. I do avoid them, as I know they are damaged, due to what they suffered in their lives. Yes, I went through lots of things, only like psychics, I always had an idea of what might be coming, so generally I'd avoid to a certain extent. I also seemed to always be protected to a great extent, and am still here in one piece. That does not mean that I am not damaged, only I like to present as whole and fine, and I do that, as a rule quite successfully. I like to present as positive, so I do that too, most of the time. Because of all that I went through, I have developed a great understanding, and am very capable of helping others deal with their dramas, and put them in the past for them, so I sort of think I am quite special, not unique. Only when you look at all my other abilities and talents, oops, quite different, and I feel that I am quite a special, multi talented person. Only one thing, I don't have the degree that makes it all easy. I have done all the counselling work that I have done for free, and with people that really could not afford to pay, so it's all good.
As I am on the pension for trauma, this does work out for now.
Obviously things need to change. Only I am still very fragile, and can break way too easily. I hate that, as I just fall apart, every time a new drama happens. I want to get past that, so yes, I want to make friends, I want to meet people who genuinely care, and I would love to get attached to the right person, only that will probably be a miracle that many can have, and maybe I am not one of the people who can have that, because of what I am.
My biggest setback is that I am too nice, too friendly, and really do scare some people away.
In the same vein, I am really scary, as I am really protective of me, mine, and anyone who I think needs my help. And I can do tai-chi. Oh, and I think my arm muscles are a bit on the large side. Ooops! Sorry!
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the dramas
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Posted:Oct 5, 2011 5:39 pm
Last Updated:Oct 20, 2011 6:26 pm
1585 Views
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Ok, 2003. This is still hard, so here goes, and it's now 2011.
On the 12th June 2003, I was in a major car crash. It was a head on and I was in the back seat of my own car. My driver had decided to overtake a b double truck with two cars approaching in the distance, safe enough if you use the gears for power and get past before the oncoming cars get close, only he decided to cruise and the back car pulled into our path as they were passing us in their oncoming lanes. The truck was in our lane. (We were in an oncoming lane.) After the head on, my car did a 360, and there were seven bangs, so I think we hit the oncoming car's trailer as well. At the end of the 360, we hit the truck, which pushed us off the road. We all three survived. None of us seemed to suffer serious injuries. I had seat belt pain for eight weeks full time, and another four weeks part time. I had grazes and bruises that I was totally unaware of until that evening. I wore the cuppa I was holding, and never felt it. I was showered in glass from the back window breaking, and had an impact on the back of my head, which may have reopened my medulla lesion from the past, because I lost co-ordination, balance, and it seems inhibition.
I found out later that day, that my car was for some reason uninsured, yet it should have been.
Six more dramas. I lost my home at that time, so I left my behind because they were in the middle of high school, and had their support network, their other family and friends there. There is a university there, and not here, so I left them for their sakes. I left my animals behind because it's so cold here, finding new homes for them, and I had quite a few pets, keeping only the old budgie, as it would die soon anyway. My cat died of a tick days after the car crash.
Three more. The man in my life died suddenly of a major cardiac arrest the day he was going to bring me here (28th August 2003) to look for this home. He was taking some friends down to the railway station before he brought me here, drove around the corner and took out 20 metres of car yard fence as he had the cardiac. He never made it back to his home where I was waiting for him. I had heard the crash, had not known it was him, and cried for three hours, as the fact dawned on me, until a friend caught up with me, and helped me calm down, by this time away from my man's home.
I found this home burgled on arrival here.
I lost my home due to a sequence of events involving an ex de facto, who has destroyed several women, including the mother of his . This is why I ended up here, in a totally different town to where I had been.
I was in sheer hell, and looked around me, saying this is not my home, these are not my animals, (the new and cat). I am lost without my or family, and I have nothing to do because all my entertainment appliances had gone in the burglary. I had no transport as the vehicles were "gone". I desperately wanted to put a few dollars of fuel into my now gone little car, and head off to visit someone, and I could not. I couldn't even put a few more dollars of fuel in the truck and go, as it was off the road, until I solved that problem.
For over a year after I arrived here, I sobbed up to five times a day for between five minutes and three hours at a time, heartwrenching, chest pain causing sobs, the sort that interfere with your breathing. As soon as someone said something nice, I'd start again. It was the hardest time of my life. I have been diagnosed with PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder), so that reaction is probably to be expected. Over time, I have settled a lot, only I can be set off just like that again, and wish that I could get beyond that point. I am working on getting beyond that point.
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the abuse
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Posted:Oct 5, 2011 5:10 pm
Last Updated:Feb 10, 2012 6:10 pm
1649 Views
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I really want this to be the last time I refer to the abuse I suffered, so hopefully I will list all of it here. (One can only hope.)
The first husband beat me up three days after we were married. At a later time he threw me against a brick wall to cause brain damage. He threw me at the floor to permanently damage my legs. He strangled me until I started to black out and my body went limp. Then he let go and caught my body. He tried to push me off the verandah, to a concrete driveway about three metres or more below. I decided to take him with me, so he stopped this time.
My second was conceived against my will.
The day I left him for the seventh and last time, he punched my nose, and it felt bigger than a tennis ball. The doctor said it's not broken, and after that day I never had to go back again, as somehow this time people helped me to stay away for good. Without help, I would never have made it out alive. The reason my two and I are alive, is because I gave them up to him, and waited to have my next two .
At one time, I met an alcoholic who threw my younger across the room, and I did get rid of that man quickly. I have met one or two others that seemed abusive, and they are out of my life, and no abuser is welcome in my life.
In recent times I have had one man successfully drug me, and another attempted to drug me. I don't want to share these experiences.
Along the way, I learnt tai-chi, to help protect me. Today, I have all sorts of security, and have learnt ways of preventing and protecting. There will always be a man who abuses, and the men I have met from this site have not been among them, that I can remember. I have only met the nicest, most respectful men through this site. Perhaps that's partly my doing, as I behave as respectfully as I can.
Here's a beauty. I don't know where I sourced this particular man, however he brought three bottles of water with him as well as a really delicious kilo of prawns. Then he gave me one bottle, opened one for him, and after a while we decided to move, so he opened the third bottle, appeared to drink from it, grabbed the three bottles and we moved. I did not touch the water again, as he played mix the bottles, and I am here to share the story today.
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the
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Posted:Oct 5, 2011 4:55 pm
Last Updated:Dec 30, 2011 1:50 pm
1731 Views
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I am writing this here, because I hate telling a man what I went through, so here some of it is, hopefully for the last time.
At the age of sixteen, I did suffer two bad , and let's leave it at that. They were the kind you don't wish on anyone, only not half as bad as some.
Before, after and between marriages I did suffer date . They seem be a hazard of being female, and that's how I see them. The ones that involve drugs (or real damage) are the ones I'd like send the man jail for, as they are too much.
However there are sometimes date , that are about miscommunication, and they are just unavoidable. These are the ones that a woman needs to work through with the man, and sometimes that can destroy anything that was.
So, yes, I have been through a number of date of each degree, and I would prefer not to have to discuss them. I do see them as a part of life that I really never want to suffer again, and have put lots of things in place to avoid.
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To link to this blog (oneladybrijit) use [blog oneladybrijit] in your messages.
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