Today
|
Posted:Jan 5, 2012 10:14 pm
Last Updated:Apr 11, 2012 3:21 am
2315 Views
|
To those who follow me here, you may not hear from me over the next few days, as I am planning to be rather busy doing various things. Please forgive me, know that I do appreciate those who are there for me, making me feel more valued.
When I get around to it, I'd like to do a thing on what value do you place on a life? Umm, maybe right now.
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
Some philosophies of mine.
|
Posted:Jan 5, 2012 12:17 am
Last Updated:Mar 20, 2012 9:14 pm
3216 Views
|
Someone emailed me, with the nicest compliment, and as it's accurate, I just assumed. Then I asked myself hang on, when? It took a few blogs to find it, and yes, they did have a basis for their compliment, yet even so, I wonder was it because they actually saw that in me? Or was it because they'd like to see that in me? I am still wondering.
This is really going to be hard to explain. Maybe I am not in the right emotional place right now, or I suspect it wouldn't be that hard.
Here goes: I have a number of personal philosophies, what some might call living or life strategies. For me, they are right. I will attempt to share one or two with you, and hopefully you will appreciate them. If you don't, that's ok because maybe they are just not for you.
I trust other adults to do what they need to do in life, as I know that as an adult, I do my best. It is not in anyone's interests to behave less than one's personal best, so I assume that each person is doing that. I do assume that the person in front of me would do better if they could, so I am happy with the way they behave around me for that reason.
It's because I assume that everyone is doing their best as adults, that I feel no need to criticise. If we are all doing our best, won't criticism be hurtful?? Not only that, if I criticise, then I leave myself open to criticism.
Having said that, I have suffered incredible amounts of criticism as an adult, and found it very hard to survive it at times, when it has just cut me to pieces in the volumes that have been thrown at me. The problem here was that the abuser/s thought that I was weak and vulnerable. What they did not know was that I was confident in myself as to what I am, and am capable of. I have never had any qualms about my abilities.
You can usually tell the weak and uninformed, as they tend to scream the loudest. It still hurts when you really try to be there for them, and they just hammer at you like you are the worst. You know that you are not, yet their criticism is so relentless, that it gets to you after a while, even though you know exactly what it is about.
Off topic a touch, recently I said something to someone, honestly, sincerely, and it was meant as nothing more than a piece of information. Only this is what I told the person. "You are still very emotionally immature." Umm, oops, only I had known this person for some time, and this person never failed to find fault in me, whether it was justified or not. This day, after observing this kind of behaviour for quite a while, I just naturally and openly made the comment. Ooops!
You probably realise the consequences already. Hmmm. We all make mistakes, and this one hmmm. So next time you feel, oops you slipped up, you can remind yourself, ah, but yours tend not to be such doozies that you wonder for quite a while afterwards.
I do live by my philosophies to a great extent. Only today I don't have my wonderful mentor to pull me into line, as I did divorce him at some stage a few years back now. Most of the time, I used to be in control of my behaviour, until the dramas, and for a long time, I'd embarrass myself any time I went anywhere and mixed with people. I didn't always see it, as I was too out of it. Only now I am seeing it, and if I do slip up, it does not impress me. Until I heal again, I do expect a few hiccups.
Now I am not saying the normal me is perfect. The normal me does make the odd mistake, and usually these mistakes are not relationship threatening, or anything dramatic, just stupid things, like forgetting to put the garbage out or double booking myself, so when I say something as silly as that comment, I wonder where I am coming from. The comment was accurate, as that particular person has displayed juvenile behaviours on a number of occasions. This doesn't make my comment right, as a person so immature, is not going to understand that kind of comment. My mistake. I have paid dearly for it.
Another philosophy of mine, is that what goes around comes around, so everything I give out, comes back to me in some form, only not what most think. If I am loving, kind and generous every day of my life, the day my bad things happen, I might be lucky enough to either come out relatively unscathed, or die instantly without the suffering. That is what I mean when I say what goes around comes around.
Then there is the basic, there are consequences in everything we do, something need to learn, and in their case, it's clever to give them some imposed consequences, similar to fines, so that they don't end up suffering the natural consequences. The easiest way of explaining is that if they do things that are inconsiderate, or fail to do their bit around the home, then they might lose privileges, or pocket money. Over time they will learn that just as they lose pocket money for failing to put away their possessions after using them in a common area, when you leave your car around a common area, as in longer than a parking space allows, you also lose money in the form of a fine.
I find that a natural consequence of driving too fast, meaning faster than you can control in a crisis, is that your vehicle will impact with the nearest or the only inanimate object such as a tree or pole rather than just come to a stop somewhere. You are more likely to suffer serious damage from this impact than not, so if you are lucky enough to not be seriously hurt, be grateful, and learn that if there is a next time, nature has a memory.
I don't worry about whether I lie to you as such. I am honest and sincere, because it's what I like in others, no other reason. Even so, others find us untruthful for a number of reasons, despite us being genuine. Reasons for this happening, are that the situation has changed since you reported it. You didn't see all of what happened, so you don't have it quite right. You saw a colour in one light, only it's different to what it really is. How you saw a detail is not as it really is for some reason. Your hearing was impeded by one of a number of factors. The other person misunderstands you despite you being so wonderfully clear, and then no matter what you said or did, it was wrong in their eyes.
In my youth, I was quick to judge people as liars, and umm, maybe I still can't talk. Many of us judge quickly, and forgive slowly, if at all. Today I would like to think I am much more tolerant, however maybe that is a thought rather than a fact. Most of the time I don't think about whether someone is truthful or a liar, as in my world, I take it for granted that all are sincere. Then on the odd occasion that something doesn't come through as true, even though I'd like to think I give people the benefit of the doubt, maybe I just think that. Maybe I need to look more closely at what I am doing.
I have taken a few of my philosophies from religion, and one of them is that I don't judge you, as I need to look at myself before others. This is why I would rather I were less worried about others, and just work on me.
Just like everyone else, I do break all the rules, however some rules are there to be broken for a reason, and when we are too busy focussing on more real issues, then we won't even notice the little things such as now did he wear a blue or green jumper? Unless it affects a future, it doesn't matter.
That brings me to another important philosophy. I was told to ask myself if this will matter in ten years time. If it won't, why worry about it now?
|
|
|
2
Comments
|
|
The joys of solar panels
|
Posted:Jan 4, 2012 3:32 am
Last Updated:Feb 11, 2012 3:08 pm
2502 Views
|
Another blog has inspired me to share.
A local farmer installed solar panels, because like others, he wanted to save money longer term. Over here there was a government grant, which meant that a large number of people were able to install their panels at very low cost. This farmer however, waited until the grant was no longer available, and paid for his himself.
When his meter was installed, he said they installed the wrong one, and it turns out the money he paid for it was only for the installation, not the actual meter, as it is supplied by the power company. He had to order the right meter as a result, and pay for it to be installed, and that was also very expensive.
His first bill had been offensive, because of the wrong meter. Prior to installing the panels, his power had cost a certain amount. It went up three times to fifty per cent more than it had cost originally. Because he is a farmer, it started off thirty three per cent higher than if he were in town.
It gets more offensive. His first power bill had been more than double his usual bills, and that was with the incorrect meter. He was expecting a much better outcome once he received his next bill. Only, it was still about sixty six per cent more than his bills used to be.
He rang the power company. Before I share their explanation, I need to add something. In the past, there has only been one electricity rate here, for any time of day or night. However if you installed an off peak hot water system, it was charged at a really good low rate, making it worth installing the off peak system.
They told him that any electricity he used by day was covered by what he produced. They said that because he wasn't producing at night, he would be billed for that. He said they were stealing power from him, and he is right.
What it means is that if he produces 12 kwh of power by day, and uses 2kwh of power, he has lost the extra 10 kwh, even if he only uses 8 kwh at night. They will charge him for the 8 kwh at a rate nearly double what they would pay him for his production if he were using the pay for what you produce system. Instead he has a plus/minus meter, and it should only show what he either has used against his production as in an extra amount, or minus, vs. what he has used in excess of his production, a positive, as in the bill. Somehow, they are billing him the way I just explained. This is why he was so upset, and accused them of stealing power. As there is a law against stealing power, my thoughts are that he is right, and they are breaking that law here.
So his solar panels were pretty much a total waste of money, because his power bills have jumped sky high, and he is not getting any benefits of installing them.
He is only the first. Once all the current contracts expire, every one will be on the same system as him, and they will get the same treatment. People who paid big money for lots of panels, will lose all their production to the power company for what they use at night. Then they will be billed at the newest incredibly high rates for that power used at night.
Can you imagine how upset people are going to get? This is real money that the power companies will be stealing from them. It's scary. It's already scary that they have done this to the farmer.
|
|
|
4
Comments
|
|
Daily blog
|
Posted:Jan 3, 2012 4:38 am
Last Updated:Feb 11, 2012 5:20 pm
2478 Views
|
Still over the top in humidity and temperatures here. I am really tired, as I tried to fit a day's work into the late afternoon hours, slightly cooler after a downpour, just harder to mow.
I am really tired, and I hope to catch up on other's blogs tomorrow my time.
I wish all the best.
|
|
|
2
Comments
|
|
another day passing in the thick steamy heat
|
Posted:Jan 2, 2012 4:19 am
Last Updated:Feb 11, 2012 3:02 pm
2377 Views
|
The last two days it has been hot, hmm, hot, and steamy around here, so hot that if I went outside I didn't want to do anything. Only there are things that need doing. There is no doubt that thundery weather has been brewing, just it hasn't broken yet. It shouldn't be too much longer, as the humidity was amazing for here today.
Besides that, I suffered a bit of lethargy. I wonder why??? lol
Ok, so not much was done at all, and that's just what happened. I could always get all upset over it all. No point. Before I know it, the weather will no longer be hot, and I will be missing warmth. I might as well be thankful for the heat, even if it is slightly over the top, like lots of degrees over the top.
I do hope people are finding satisfaction with their lot as they move through their lives.
|
|
|
1
comment
|
|
. . . .and New Years Day is over already?
|
Posted:Jan 1, 2012 6:20 am
Last Updated:Apr 27, 2024 11:11 pm
2130 Views
|
Wow, that was a big day, and there are quite a few things I didn't get around to. I cannot whinge in any way, as I did things that pleased me the whole day, including ringing Mum, ringing Dad, ringing my , finding my 's mms, and viewing it, and trying to answer it, only being unable to the way I thought I could, so I will have to try again some time soon.
I now have two lovely new tap handles in the laundry, which look a lot better than the old ones, especially the one that disintegrated in my hand before Christmas. I am so amazed. I put up with a screaming hot water tap for about eight years, and hated it, thinking that it could not be fixed. Two tap handles replaced, and now the taps work perfectly, without any shuddering or banging, or any other strange disturbing noise, just blissful water flow! Miracles never cease!
I am back more in control of basic housework than not. The fish, and cat were all taken care of today, sorry, yesterday.
I had a conversation with each of two gentlemen, who touched base with me, one online, and one on the phone. Neither have any idea as to how important all the contact I receive is to me. As I am not attached to someone, I really need all that are in my life, interested in my welfare, or friendship in any way. They are all so important.
I finally managed to fit dinner in, sometime around midnight, which is way too late, only it's a lot better than not at all, so it's ok.
If I both care and remember, I will make sure I touch base with my siblings in the new day, as I did really forget until late and was a bit tied up with other things the whole day. There were definitely not enough hours in this New Years Day, only that's ok, as I have the whole rest of the year to do anything else I might want to achieve in the near future.
Isn't that lovely? I am fancy free, not committed to anyone, and can do whatever I like for now, and for the first time in years, I feel free to a much greater extent. Still I have issues with myself, and feel obliged to do this or that, only I know that these feelings of obligation, are just that, feelings. Other than do things to make tomorrow easier, there is nothing I really have to do, oh, and of course keep the animals tended to. That's not an obligation anyway, it's a privilege, that if I do fail, hmmm. That's why I make sure they are properly cared for.
I don't often talk about what is wrong with me, so a lot of people make a lot of assumptions, just I do know exactly what is wrong with me, and I do know that I do a great job of living with my issues, making them seem non existent with the way I accommodate them. (Talking health issues here.) Isn't that how we are meant to live? Putting up that lovely brave face to the whole world, that says I am fine thank you?
I am not sure we are, as it gives people this concept that we are unbreakable while they feel broken. I think by sharing our very humanity, perhaps without going into too much detail, we show that yes, we are vulnerable also, and also have our issues. Then by dealing with our issues in our way, we show our inner strength and inner resources. I may be wrong, and if I am, oh, well, life is like that.
My main reason for not sharing exactly what my health issues are online, is that I feel that if I reveal my health issues, this reveals weaknesses that can be targeted and used against me. As a member of the "fairer sex", I really don't want to appear any weaker than I have to, so I am glad that I have built up my physical strength in recent times, mainly by doing masculine types of work around home. I am also not likely to share any weaknesses here as a result. There are things that are ok to share just by their nature, and other things are really better kept personal, I think.
It's way past my bedtime, so I must go, and I am happy with the outcomes of my New Years Day. I do hope others do and will feel the same way.
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
...and we are in the New Year
|
Posted:Dec 31, 2011 8:31 pm
Last Updated:Apr 27, 2024 11:11 pm
2087 Views
|
I am so thankful for those who are there for me. If they weren't, I'd be lost. Thank you to each of you, and each of you knows exactly who you are.
My just sent me an email, and my reply was almost that of an italian mamma, why you no visit me? why you no call me??, why you neva tink dat you mamma needa see yu liddl bambino to make her no yu ok????
Well, not quite, but it might as well have been. So now I am sad. How does a mum so far away from each of her manage? How do I manage when none of them contacted me at Christmas? It's my fault with the oldest two. I told my oldest that his father has never stopped hurting me through him, and I just can't take it anymore. I think it's better if we don't keep in touch anymore. When his birthday came around, I couldn't not ring. It didn't feel right, and his wife answered, and said he's at work. I said maybe that's a good thing. We chatted a little, and hung up. Of course he is not likely to make contact with me at Christmas after that.
Damn. I am not dealing with this!  Sorry.
I will get myself a cup of tea, and then I will ring a lady who has had even less to feel sorry about than me. (She is nearly my age and has never had any .) If she is not available, I will find someone else to contact. I suspect there are a few options, if I bother to think things through. Yes, there are siblings that I have so far neglected to ring.
I will be fine shortly. Sorry about my little lapse.
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
As we countdown to our New Year
|
Posted:Dec 31, 2011 3:52 am
Last Updated:Feb 11, 2012 5:20 pm
2448 Views
|
I'm back! But not for long, just long enough to give you something else to distract you when you find yourself at a loss.
All the garbage is out, well at least what I needed to let go of has been put in the past in my blogs, and now it's time to move forwards, into a lovely peaceful new year. Well, I can only hope.. as long as nobody suddenly decides to turn up here and cause dramas, then everything will be ok.
I really think if someone did try that, they might wish they hadn't at a future time. It's good.
But then again! I could punish them! LOL. What fun I could have! Hmmm!
It's amazing at the wonderful blogs some have written on this site, really enjoyable, as they are so different. Each blog has a style of its' own, and it really does identify the owner of the blog as a certain kind of person. Some are multi-faceted, and others are more stranded, as in they only follow a few directions, depending on the interests of their creators. Then there are the odd ones that are purely carnally based, and they are interesting in a different way. Well I assume they are, as I don't actually follow them. I am far more likely to read about Michael Schumacher or Mark, oh dear, is it Weber??? I have totally forgotten, although when I see their names, I normally know them straight away.
Oh dear, this was supposed to be a sexy, scintillating, titillating piece of writing, cheeky, and spicy, and I am just not in the right place!
Not to worry, I do hope your New Year brings you all the pleasure and spice you want, served up just the way you like it, with the right touch of titillation on the side. As my wishes tend to be a touch magic, that should do the trick even better than my blog.
Happy New Year for 2012!^
|
|
|
2
Comments
|
|
New Years Eve 2012
|
Posted:Dec 30, 2011 7:53 pm
Last Updated:Jan 4, 2012 11:00 pm
2451 Views
|
Yay!!!! New Year is nearly here, and I am feeling good! Oh, sorry. I am not feeling anyone, just having another play on words. There's that word again! I do love that word.
If you didn't follow that, it's because I went from one subject, to another, to a third, all in those few short sentences. That can be me, when I am happy, and feel safe, which I do right now.
Here I am trying to play the Eagles, and instead I am stuck on Chicago. One song is better than the last.
Let's get back to the love thing. When your heart works out what mine has, and then on top of it, you find evidence all around you that yes, what you think is definitely right, it's really nice. Well, it's not really nice, only it's nice to know that you did work it out correctly, and that you do have the right answers.
In English, it means that I am absolutely totally emotionally free. There is no return, which I knew from that day. It was just a bit too sudden. It has taken the last few weeks to firstly work through my anger. Now I have faced that my heart still has the feelings it had before, and I know that this will not help me at all, so I am very busy looking at my tomorrow, with a kind of shiny eagerness, and if you don't know what that means, think about eyes that have done their crying, thanks to a third party being willing to just listen, and ask the right questions.
I see tonight as being the beginning of a new chapter in my life. I have no idea as to what tomorrow will hold for me. I do know that I will work hard to make sure that no matter who crosses my path, where or when, that it is as pleasant and peaceful as I can possibly make it.
I do thank the men who behave themselves around me. It's really nice. I am finding it very hard to find the right words right now.
I am trying to say that I do know where I stand, and that I know my tomorrow could be quite lovely. I also know that it might not be that great. Not all of life is wonderful.
I do know that the "can I deal with the concept of changing this person's nappies?" thing, is a really great way to measure one's feelings towards someone. I do ask myself that every time I get to know a new man, and have done for quite some time. If at any time, I do not feel at least somewhat comfy with yes, I could do that if I had to for him, then I decide it's time to walk away, or never go beyond basic friends.
Sorry, you want a New Years Resolution???
Ok, my resolution is to stay away from good men. After all, they are all taken or just not into us women!  While I am at that, you never know what might just find me!
I gave up smoking two years ago, for lots of reasons, so I can't do that this year.
Umm, tiny footnote. I am not healed yet. I still have a way to go, just I am a lot better than I was the other year. I do need to be patient, and just accept that as darling Alan said "T-I-M-E", and if nobody has stolen them, I still have two handwritten letters from him when he went away just before we started getting closer. You know, I only had the pleasure for four months before he died.
I was really rapt that I had those letters at that time. I still like them, only I am one to work on moving forwards, so at that time, I did put them somewhere safe. Now I will scan them into my computer if I find them, and then so called "archive" them, as they mean a lot to me, because he really loved me in the nicest way. Um, ok, getting all emotional here.
I have at least one damned song that I really want to make come true, before I die, Dr. Hook's "If Not You". I did the "A Little Bit More" ages ago. I love "Storms Never Last", and I pretty much love every other song of "The Most of Dr Hook". If I were to choose one all time wonderful album that I love more than any other, it would be this one. It's like "Under the Boardwalk", just one of those.
It's time for me to go. I need to do a bit of crying before I face the New Year head on, so I can put it in the past.
|
|
|
2
Comments
|
|
My bundle of joy??? with claws
|
Posted:Dec 30, 2011 5:28 pm
Last Updated:Apr 27, 2024 11:11 pm
2004 Views
|
Wow! I woke up feeling good this morning. I will share with you.
I was "unconscious" some time in the middle of the night, when something round dropped less than a centimetre away from me (less than about half and inch), then it was as immobile as me.
Then around six am, it stretched, took at least two steps, and was gone.
A while later, no idea when, as I was still more unconscious than conscious, a ball of fur lowered itself this time on my right side, right up against me, and it was so nice. Of course, initially it was lovely, until we both warmed each other up. I did roll over carefully, and it stayed. That had woken me up, and although I did try to doze, it only lasted until seven thirty am. It was so nice, and several times I did actually open my eyes and stroke it, and it did not get upset as it has done in the past. It actually enjoyed it, and I was happy, so I did wake up happy, as my little feral cat (not that little at all anymore) had both returned to my bed, and interacted with me in a really accepting way.
So I started my day very happy.
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
I am free to have sex, only I am not going to.
|
Posted:Dec 30, 2011 5:12 pm
Last Updated:Apr 27, 2024 11:11 pm
2226 Views
|
I will keep this one short, as I have already said most of it in my two earlier posts today.
I have not touched a man physically for most of two years. At the precious friend's suggestion, I recently went and had a check up to see that I was disease free. The doctor tested for a few things, and the results were clear, all good.
I think I have already explained why. I can repeat that in a short way. I want to make sure it feels right before it happens.
I have absolutely loved the time I spent as nothing but friends with my "precious friend". I have never forgotten the day he asked if he could take my truck out to pick up a pot bellied stove. I said yes, and I did let him drive. It was really hard letting someone else drive me at this time, and I let him, because I needed to face my fear of being in the passenger seat. I had no idea of his driving skills, and I was actually almost safer than I am in my bed at night, almost. I pretty much suffered some kind of fear the whole journey there, and back, only I absolutely loved his company. He chatted on the whole time, and I loved every word. I have absolutely no idea as to what he said that day, just like much of the times I have spent in his company. I hear it, and then it goes in one ear and out the other, as I watch the way he smiles, which he rarely did back then, except on this day. I also loved every moment of putting that tiny monster on my truck, securing it, and then at his home, unloading it.
Even today, I am so glad we had that day together. It was bliss, and yes, he paid for more petrol than we needed, at least twice as much. It was fine.
I also remember the evening we met, standing outside his home, while my rested in the car. Again, I can't remember all the things he told me, just loved every minute.
I cherish the number of times we sat down at his 's table, and drank a cuppa in recent times. It was so beautiful. I loved being shown the cupboards he has built. I loved being shown what he did to the mower, and helping him with the other mower before that. I felt terrible the day I failed to be there for him as he worked on his vehicle. I have way more good memories than bad. Yes, I do know the general subject matter of many conversations, mostly planets, and a bit of science. I loved listening to all of it because he was telling me, and I was a bit interested in some of what he told me. I really loved being told about all his research into sources of solar power. That was a really special journey into knowledge. Oh, sorry, I said I didn't know what he said! Well, I do, just not when or what on that occasion. I do absolutely love all the things he told me, both factual, and occasionally not so factual. You would be amazed at what a person can come out with when their heart is not pumping adequate blood supplies to their brain.
I have all of these memories, because this man decided "friend", and it is wonderful. Only after this recent event, things do need to change in a positive way, or I cannot go near him again. Provided there is no more "abuse", he can still remain friends, (uh, after the apology) only he will have to accept what I have said to him. I repeat, none of this resolution is guaranteed to happen. I know him well enough. If it does, it will be a lovely thing, just I am not sure he will ever heal that much.
This is why I am free to have sex, only I am not going to, because I really loved being just friends, getting to know this man, and knowing for sure that I'd want to make things work out if I could.
Then we say that and things still go wrong, because we are human.
I will still hold off on the physical, no matter how much I want it, because if I do hold off, then I can get to know the man much better, and we will get together for the right reasons if we do at a later date.
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
I am emotionally free, and therefore available right now.
|
Posted:Dec 30, 2011 4:27 pm
Last Updated:Apr 27, 2024 11:11 pm
2162 Views
|
There are some who would say that I am not emotionally free.
I deny this vehemently, as I have no way of knowing what is going to happen next. Yes, recently I had a negative verbal experience from someone I do love. No, we have never had any kind of relationship. I was not even allowed to call our friendship a relationship according to him, so over time, I managed that. Any love I ever felt for him was one way, and in the meantime, I ended up both meeting, and having a really powerful relationship with someone else. Over time, that relationship did not work out, only it had nothing to do with this man, as I had identified how I felt about him, worked it through thoroughly to ensure I knew exactly what I was feeling, how and why. At the time, I had no plans for another relationship, so it was a huge shock when the new one happened, totally unplanned, and in some ways the most beautiful relationship I have ever had, also the most painful.
When one says that, the most beautiful and the most painful, one needs to realise that if a "great love" fails, it will bring with it "great pain", and the older one gets, the more capable one is of having a great love. In my younger days, I'd think back on how I swore there will never be another that I love more, and the next one was! What I did not know at the time, was that the more love you give, the more you have to give, so as time passes, each and every new love has the potential, to be both stronger, and greater. Hopefully one day, that love will become the real love, as in the one that you stay with for the rest of your life.
I think I need to add, not so much for the mature as for the younger ones, it is possible to love two at once, or you could not have love for both your parents and your siblings, and then your .
You might love one potential partner for the sexy things they do, and another for the way they care for your garden, yet you love both. Then you need to somehow work out which one is right. Maybe the real acid test is, which one would you be able to change the pooey nappies on? If that doesn't work, then wow, you are some loving person!
There are things that I don't say, only right now I feel I need to say at least one of them.
Because of my outgoing nature in the past, I had no idea of how few lovers I have actually chosen to have. From what I can tell, the number is less than the number of digits I have on my hands. That really blows me away. Add to them the number of lovers I have not chosen to have, meaning it still happened, and the number is at least three times as high, if not four times, so there are a few that I did not get to choose. This has been such a problem, and has stayed a problem over time, to the point that men cannot understand that I will no longer go out at night, as in I won't get in the car, drive to a night spot, be it the club, or any other venue, and spend time there before driving myself or taking myself home if not fit to drive. Quite a few men do not understand that I feel enough is enough! There are still men, and there always will be, because that is human nature, who just don't understand that I have been through enough, not going there ever again! At least, not if I have anything to do with it.
So yes, I am emotionally free, only I will stay with the theme of either "my precious friend" or any other that suits me along the way, because I do not want to suffer again, and I will do whatever I can to prevent it ever happening again.
Again, do not misunderstand me. I am sure that even if I deny it, I do still love my precious friend, and were he to ask my to jump, I would happily do so for him. The bit that he always missed here, was that I would want to do exactly what he asked, because it was just a pleasure doing anything either with or for him.
I can explain this a touch better. In his company, water tasted better than any expensive drink. A cuppa made by his hands, even though sometimes it was way too sweet, or milky, or both, tasted divine, because not only had he made it, I was also drinking it in his company. He could tell me any garbage he liked, and because he was saying it, it was the most interesting piece of information I have ever been told. There were times, when I just wondered at the amount of garbage that women will swallow just for the man's sake. Mind you, much of what he said was inspiring, informative, and really interesting. Not all of it was, just as I just explained, it was divine because he said it.
That is how it is.
It does not mean that I am not free. The "human urge to reproduce", be it misguided or otherwise, is still there. My heart is ready for whatever turns up, and if it's good, I will definitely go there.
You ask what about him?? Did he ever say, lady, I love you? No. Did he ever take my hand in his, look me in the eyes and take things a step further??? No. Did he ever even kiss me on the cheek???? NO!! That is the point. There never was a relationship, there is no relationship, and he may really be unable to ever have one. The reason he pulled stumps was because I openly, clearly said "I love you". That is what made him bail out. Oh, I also missed a bit. I have made sure I kept any body language locked up the whole time I was in his life, because of what he had demanded, friends or nothing. I locked my body language, up, kept it locked up to the point where now, when I do try to unlock it in his presence, I cannot even get it out. Believe me, it is there, just it's locked up around him. That can only change if he makes the move, easy.
I can't pretend it's not like that. I cannot deceive myself into thinking that oh, yes, he will come back to me really soon. That's just really stupid thinking. It's not that he might not care. He probably does. Only, I also, am human. I am a woman with lovely feelings, and I have given him seven years, minus a bit when someone else was there. Even while someone else was around, I would be there for him as his friend, as that is all we ever were in every way.
I always hoped that he would heal, as I strongly felt that he is the man of my dreams. I still feel that way. Only as I said in another post, he would be hard yakka if he ever went downhill. Then there are other things that must be said. Other men could be just as "hard yakka" as he could be if things went wrong. Many men are built like him. The other thing that needs to be said, is in the same vein as drinking water in his company. When you love someone, and I do mean truly love them, as I have loved in the past, and it has all become too hard when the going got tough, if you really love the person, even the hardest job seems light work for them. If you were both out in the bush, and "he" were bitten by a snake, and unconscious, even though you were tiny, and he were so big, you'd just pick him up, like a feather, and carry him out to medical help if that was what was needed to save his life. This is the point, that when you truly love someone, you can just do this, and in his case, even though I have tried to make it clear that it would be easy, I also have made the point that due to him, this type of event might be much more frequent than it is likely to be with others. This does not make it wrong, merely a challenge that cannot be approached lightly. It needs to be considered before making a commitment, and as I understand that the secret of any relationship is communication, I know to communicate before any of this eventuates, to ensure that it works out.
Now there is something else, and I would call it overcommunication. Just as we can fail, and if you like undercommunicate, we can also overcommunicate if we are not careful. What I mean by that, has happened in my life once. Every time I turned around there would be another issue. We did the right thing, and sat down, and talked about it, and talked about it, and talked about it, only we never really resolved anything, so there was no point, as sure, we discussed it thoroughly, just without finding resolution, so that is vital, that if you do communicate, it's the old, "don't argue unless you have a reason". This means essentially that if you choose to argue about something, make sure that firstly it's something that you would like to resolve, then secondly, make sure you find a resolution that works. I am no longer going to say that satisfies both parties, as things go wrong when we say that.
One thing that couples need to do is, work on the concept that there are two to consider in this relationship, and anything that is decided will affect the future of the relationship, so it's really clever to take that into account. I have seen some not consider that, and others take it too far, so that they feel like they constantly lose. "If I ... she will be happy, and if I .... she will nag me every day for the rest of my life! It's better if I ..., and have peace!" Oooops! That is not good. It's as bad, as if he made the decision based only on what he wanted, as here he is not being considered.
I think it's time to use a theoretical example. She wants black walls. He wants white walls. They sit down, and there seems no compromise. There are in fact a number of ways they could resolve it. They could paint half the rooms in one colour, and the other half in the other colour. Now that could be three white, three black, taking into account things like that's his favourite room or her work room. Then there is another possibility that one wall could be one colour and the other wall the other colour. Another way could be to paint a wall, or several walls, her colour, and the cornices, doors, and perhaps the ceiling his. There are myriads of ways, only when one is really young, sometimes there seems no way, and that is probably absolutely normal.
I have tried over time, as I could not bear living with "blue" walls, to find a man who amongst other things, loves any other colour than blue. Guess what this man's favourite colour it? Mmhm, so there is something that would have to be both discussed and carefully resolved to consider both. I happily regularly wear blue clothing because I know he likes blue, and then on other days, I wear my favourite colours. I need to rephrase that. I used to.
Ok, so here I have shown a few strategies, which might really help some, and for others, there is no help as it's too far gone, or too late.
In my case, I am free as a bird, can go into a new relationship at any time, and all I need is the right stimulus to dive in.
Now there is this person called Me, who is not going to dive in at all, then again, maybe if just the right person says and/or does the right things, that will change.
It's all up to you, or him, or him. As I am not planning to get my fingers burnt, you had better be mature and intelligent!
Oh, didn't I tell you? I never chase a man. If I am serious, I wait for him to find and chase me. Then, if he has clarified things, I may initiate contact at different times for whatever reason. If a man thinks I am chasing him, chances are he's really not someone I was planning to get very close to, or he is very badly damaged, and just needs someone to help him get there.
Wow, I really do have lots to say at present!
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
They feel that I still love my precious friend.
|
Posted:Dec 30, 2011 3:09 pm
Last Updated:Jan 3, 2012 4:34 am
2403 Views
|
Good morning, after a lovely night's sleep, (and forgive me if it is not your morning,) things seem so much clearer to me.
Now there might be one, who feels that somehow I have put down my "precious friend", only most would realise that I didn't. In fact, without actually saying it, it has been suggested that I am in love with said friend. They have even suggested more, and I will get to that.
As real love is a two way street, if I love my friend, that's ok, and I really feel that to be in love it has to be two way, so unless he is in love with me, I cannot be in love with him.
I know how wonderful the love was between "my love" and me, when we were a two way street, and no, that was another love, much more recent than "Jim". I just don't talk about this one, as I don't believe in saying anything that could jeopardise the identity of someone, so in his case, I do say absolutely nothing about him, just in case I accidentally identify him.
Now the difference with my precious friend is, that he has never identified himself to me on this site, and claims that he is not in any way connected with this site, so if I do mention him, chances are he will never be connected with any of what I say here. The only person or people who might even have an inkling as to who he is, are very trusted people, who would never ever reveal anything that they might know either about him or me.
So there you find that everything I say about him, should be totally safe. Yes, his might know, as she is one very intelligent young lady. Only if she does know, she needs to realise that I have only ever cared about him, and I am not like another woman in his past, so no, I will never do anything to hurt him, just as I do not do anything to hurt others. However the truth does hurt, and I do tend to stay with the truth, so sometimes that can be sharper than the most lethal sword, not deliberately, yet it still can be that.
So why call this what I did?
Ok, back to feelings. When he said what he did, he did in that instant, kill my feelings for him.
At least that is how I felt, only it seems that others were aware of different things. They had seen how I spoke of him previously. They were aware of how much I loved walking his dog. They could see that even if I loved walking that dog, it was done out of love for him, as well as a real sense of communication with said dog.
Others saw that while I might feel no longer loving towards him, that maybe, just maybe, it would take very little for that to revert to the feelings I had prior to that day.
I know why they would think that, and do thank them, as these people can see who I really am. It's not about me being a victim. They are very aware that I have not been a victim for quite some time, perhaps more aware than me. They have noticed that even though I feel hurt by what has happened at different times, that there have been mitigating circumstances, and therefore even though it seemed really abusive or negative, they can see that even I knew to let it go, and put it in the past. They also know that I found it really difficult and painful, because even if it was not intentional, it still really hurt me. They can see that I felt very alone, and even though I act as if I don't need anyone, they do know different.
This morning, after the lovely experience I had sleeping, I realised that I had been told by those here, that the love from my end was perhaps still there, just waiting. They had told me loud and clear, to not let him back into my life, unless he brought the necessary apology with him, and he came to me, not vice versa, to ensure future abuse is prevented from happening.
They said more. Only it was not actually said on this site. What I was told is that maybe he has found feelings that he is not familiar with, and he needs to work them out, so he dealt with them by being angry at me that day (and consequently, chasing me away.) They were pretty much warning me to back off, and be patient, for both his and my sake.
Today I am happy, as I have realised that it's all good. If he cares, he will be back, and he will let piano lady go. (Sorry, didn't I mention piano lady???) Naughty me! Mmmm, according to him, she definitely exists. If she does, he will have a lovely piano to show she does. Whether I ever see this, is another story.
As I said somewhere previously, I do not share all. Yes, I seem to be an open book, only the most important things are pretty much always left out, meaning on this site, the identifiers.
Ok, in conclusion, yes, the love seems to still exist. No, I am not about to pursue it in any way, as from the day I met him, he made it clear that it was friends only.
Now, it's totally up to him. If he feels love, he will find me. If he doesn't care, he will disappear from my life. If he cares, it could take a long time before he returns. Now if he is someone that I gave the address of my blog to recently, I am in real trouble, because the previous blogs suggest "no return", only feelings don't tend to die that suddenly, and that's the message that needed to be gently conveyed to me, and it was done really beautifully. Yes, the feelings can be smashed so hard that they go into trauma, which was done the other week, only once the trauma fades, and one starts to deal with it, the feelings tend to still be there.
Next blog, coming up. I need to get these done as quickly as possible, as I have other urgent things that I really want to deal with in my life.
|
|
|
2
Comments
|
|
To link to this blog (oneladybrijit) use [blog oneladybrijit] in your messages.
|
|
|
| Sun |
Mon |
Tue |
Wed |
Thu |
Fri |
Sat |
| |
|
|
1
|
2
|
3
|
4
|
5
|
6
|
7
|
8
|
9
|
10
|
11
|
12
|
13
|
14
|
15
|
16
|
17
|
18
|
19
|
20
|
211
|
22
|
23
|
24
|
25
|
26
|
27
|
28
|
29
|
30
|
31
|
|
|
