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| Blogs > oneladybrijit > For What It's Worth! |
No longer a precious friend.
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No longer a precious friend. What does it take to make us turn on someone??? This is what I wrote about my precious friend a while back, and yes, I always cared about him, too much. For the latest, look below it. I have added a few words in capitals, to help you find your place if you have read this before. My Friend's Heart Oct 17, 2011 4:48 pm 837 views I hold his heart in my hands, it's so precious, so fragile, I hold it so gently, lest I break it. He is so precious, that when he asks me to jump, I do ask how high? and he does not understand, that I want to jump exactly as high as he asks, not a millimetre lower, nor a millimetre higher, and that's a very tiny measurement, something close to a thirty second of an inch, not exactly, somewhere around that. He has no idea why, and does not want to impinge on my freedom, yet it is my very freedom that makes me choose to want to do exactly what he wants, whenever I am there in his company, and to want to have his company far more than I can. Nice???? How do I explain, that I just care about him? How do I explain that when he had his heart attacks, hospital visits etc, that I was crying my eyes out about him as well as his , that I had nobody to share with, as he was so out of it, that he didn't really know I cared, and worse still, he was so damaged by his ex that he cannot understand how or how much I care? I do care so much that now that I know something I always suspected, I am trying to decide whether to just walk away, or what. He doesn't say it in so many words, yet he says it in others. In his own way, he suggests that I am somehow something unbearable, yet he also can be incredibly nice to me. It makes no sense at all, however he has not been on the planet a lot of the time due to both heart and other problems. Now I have to decide whether it is kinder to walk away, or kinder to stay, and when it comes to the crunch, any feelings of mine are not the issue here, as I sort of got over them a long time ago. Yes, I do love him, and yes, if it were a two way street, I probably would have gone there. Only as time has passed, and I don't want to put another seven years into someone new, I do know that I really love this man, and I do know that I am not sure that I could love another like I have loved him. Yet, somehow, I am not even sure anymore about anything at all, and all I want to do is walk away, and then the question arises, where to? . . . . .. I WAS ALWAYS PREPARED TO BE A DOORMAT FOR HIM, NOT BECAUSE I HAVE NO SELF RESPECT, BECAUSE I UNDERSTOOD THAT HE WAS BADLY DAMAGED. MOST OF THE TIME, HE HAD NO IDEA THAT HE HAD BEEN THAT AWFUL. Today he threw me out of his home, for daring to talk about our deal of being friends only, based on the concept that he felt I am only there for me. Now how insulting can you get? I won't be back. It's that easy. Sure I still care, only I am not his doormat, was his doormat on a number of occasions because I knew that he was badly damaged. After throwing me out today, I feel he really crossed the line. He has had a functional heart for nearly two years. He has been free of her for about sixteen years. He has not had his living with him for about a year. He has had me being there for him, despite everything he dished up, just for his sake, over most of seven years. I walked that for nothing more than the love of both the dog, and to a certain extent him, it seems since about two months ago. Tomorrow he will have his to visit, and she will walk the while she is there. Then his will no doubt go home, only I am not going to offend myself any more by going back. It's not going to happen. He has several male friends, and several non-existent women chasing him. The males are real. They all care about his welfare, and I did up until today. He's not a great deal. He has been very ill. I would rather do the job myself then have him do it, as these days his accuracy is awful. I am not being nasty, it seems that his sense of touch is damaged, and affects his ability to do things accurately. They say it's better done a bit skewiff than not done, and that is true, only if I have a choice of having him do it, or me do it for him, then I would prefer to do the job nicely if it is long term, under his guidance, than have it looking all skewiff for years to come, so even though he has so much knowledge, it would be a heavy burden to be his lady. I have known that for quite some time. It wasn't something I learnt instantly. It's something I learnt over time, and didn't care any less about him. What I do care about is being treated as if I am worthless, when I am not. I am just as highly skilled in my own ways, and he just keeps asking me to do more. I do have limits, when there is absolutely no physical relationship in my life. I won't be back. He has lost me, unless he really rethinks what he has done, and then does an awful lot of crawling. As he is stubborn, he will never do that, so it really is over. He will have to find a new doormat, because throwing me out crossed the line, even if he didn't want to talk about the "friendship deal". I am not interested in replacing him. I am not saying I won't chat here, or make new friends. I can't replace him, as he was very precious to me, and it will hurt having him gone, only every time I start feeling sorry for myself, all I have to do is remind myself of how 1) he was not prepared to listen to my side of the friendship deal thing, and 2) he threw me out straight after he gave me a fresh cup of tea. I don't need his tea, went home and made myself a lovely cup of tea. It was never about cups of tea. With a loved friend, even a glass of water tastes divine, as it's not what you share, it's that you share each other's company. Now that friendship is soured, to a point that I find so offensive, the concept that I was only in it for me, no, he will never grow up, and there is nothing I can do about it, so it will be really clever to stay away forever. Big word that, forever, and yet that is the sensible thing to do, no matter what. Yet, it is hard to walk away. I did put so much of me into him. Yes, while he was in my life, I did heal lots, however I also gave everything I could to him emotionally, my time, my caring, my consideration, my undivided attention. Often I could not take in what he was telling me, as I was still so damaged. Today, I am far less damaged, and much more healed, so when he was telling me things, I was taking them in, and really appreciating his side of the friendship. If you really feel uncomfortable discussing a subject, you can tell your friend that, only it's not fair that you have your say, and then shut them off. Friendship is two way, yes, even ordinary friendship, which means a good friend will listen as much as they will tell. It's vital. When that doesn't happen, and you throw your so called friend out, if they are smart, they will never come back, especially when you wouldn't even give them a chance to say how they felt. I had actually finished what I was saying to him, however I wasn't going to let him treat me as if he is the only one who can express themselves. Friendship is a two way street, just as relationships are, and when he crossed that line, he was already entering "wipe his feet on my heart" turf. When he threw me out, he crossed the line way beyond any reasonable return. He will have to grow up without me now, and find a way to win me back, or he will not see me any more. I have forgiven him worse previously, only this time, I think I need to walk away, for my sake, as I have done enough. If I don't walk away, he will just do the same over and over in the future. I cannot put up with this kind of behaviour from him any more, as he is not a , nor my relative. I don't have to put up with that kind of behaviour from a friend, so for my sake, I must walk away, and this time, not just forgive. I need to feel that he will never behave like this again, if I am to let him back in my life ever again. I am not sure he will ever give me this reassurance, so I am very sad, even if he is wrong. |
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It sounds as if he has hurt you in so many ways. Keep walking and don't look back. That is what you must do for YOU and YOUR future. Good luck.
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Thank you both. I know you are right. Now I just have to travel the walking away road. With people like you around, I will make it again. I am really appreciative of your support.
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