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| Blogs > oneladybrijit > For What It's Worth! |
when someone dies . . . .
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when someone dies . . . . I think this might help a few people understand why some disappear when someone has died. Firstly, someone dies, and everyone disappears. It's like your best friends all caught a virus, climbed into bed and turned their phones off, or they all went overseas at the same time. Even your family can get torn apart, if they weren't already. They are just not there. So the person who has suffered a loss, now has nobody that matters to reach out to, as they are just not there. The friends call this, giving the person who is grieving space. Family may call this, "you must be kidding, I'm never going to see . . . again. He/she . . . It's unforgivable." The person who is grieving often calls this, "they don't give a ..." about me. Then there is the other major negative of loss. Suddenly the phone is ringing off the hook! Every man and his is ringing, some offering condolences, others asking prying questions, and others just being plain annoying. People never heard of are ringing, offering their tuppence, people saying they are long lost friends, and it just doesn't stop. It gets to the point where the grieving just want to throw the phone at the wall. Actually better still, at some idiot's head! The friends don't want to pester, and they do have questions, only they feel like everything they say is misunderstood, (which it usually is) and it's easier just not to annoy, so they stay away more. Not only that, they said something and had their head bitten off, yet there was not one nasty thing in what they said. When you lose a close loved one, there are lots of things to do, especially if you are the executor. Often the executor is a close family member, so here you are, your Dad has just died, and you are executor. Your Mum passed a while ago, or they have been split up for years, so now you have to organise everything, and your siblings are younger than you (this is just an example), so they look to you for guidance and help. Your parents are gone! How the ... do you manage???!!! Don't tell me that's what spouses are for, as marriages often break up at this point. When you are the (mature adult) who has to do everything, you need to get either your key, or find their key, and you need to go to the home, open it up, look around, and start sorting things. You need to get the phone disconnected, the electricity disconnected, just for starters. The place might need a clean up, if the situation was "one of those". You need to make lots of decisions. Some of those decisions might include how you will organise disposal of possessions, your loved one's furniture, clothes, their jewellery, their ... collection, their loved ....The list goes on. You need to organise the funeral, deciding which coffin, who will pay for that coffin, who will pay for the funeral, and how. You have to decide flowers for the funeral, ushers, burial, or cremation. The list goes on, if you want any music, at a church? at the funeral parlour? Who will speak at the funeral? Is there something you don't want them to share with everyone? Are there things you want them to say? Often the "wake" is not organised at all, as it's just too much, and gets forgotten until everyone is at the funeral. That's why often a wake is just done at someone's home, and it's nothing more than a cuppa and conversation, maybe a packet of bikkies, or order in some lunch for everyone from some take-away. Sometimes you get lucky, and it's at someone who loves to cook's home, so they make yummy things. As I have participated in some post death arrangements, I have been made aware of all of these things. It gets worse. You check your loved one's mail, and there's not just one letter from "the phone company", or some other organisation, private or government, meaning a bill, and they keep sending this bill, over and over, and each time they increase the debt, adding fees, even though you have rung them, and said, this person is deceased. They are dead! Will you listen??? Then there are subscriptions. Some people subscribe to a bunch of things that you knew nothing about, and these need cancelling, or at least some kind of notification. You may even find you need to send something back! There's something else. You have to prove that this person is dead, and that you are authorised to act on their behalf in this situation, so every place will ask you for this or that. I did not mention identification, if that is needed, due to how your loved one died. Along with this often comes decisions about closed/open coffin, make-up or other, how much of the person will be on display if on display? So while the rest of us blithely sit on our backsides, either enjoying the funeral and wake, or living our lives as if nothing is wrong, the bereaved are going through the kind of hell that only someone who has been there can possibly understand. Not every one of the bereaved is going through all of this. Those who are not executors might go through some of it, helping with various aspects of the disposal of "the estate", even if it's only one small suitcase of possessions. It still needs to be dealt with, no matter how rich or poor the person was. As I have never been the actual executor, I am unaware of all the laws that need to be considered. I do understand that it can be a legal minefield. Now that was all the basics. Then there are the disputes. They can get incredibly ugly, so next time you hear that someone has lost a loved one, maybe this blog will help you begin to understand why they seem to be so absent, so short-tempered, or whatever it is they are. Try really hard to not take it personally, as they just might need you now more than ever. Only if you reach out to them, they might not appreciate it at present, and really need that time and space, and even to blame you for now, or long term. It's just how it is. When someone dies, it's cruel, painful, and can be very messy, both physically and emotionally. If the loved one was a spouse, it's possible that even with a new partner, the bereaved will still grieve every day for the rest of their lives. If the loved one was a , parents rarely ever get over it, finding it stays with them every day, for the rest of their life. If however the loved one was a parent, it tends to take around seven years, and everyone is different, so never lock someone into a time frame. For the rest of us, generally it's not so bad, and it might take weeks, months, or up to that roughly seven year time span. Again, never, ever judge. It's downright cruel to lock someone into a time frame and expect them to conform. For reasons that you might not know, even those you don't expect to, might never get over their loss, so do not assume. There are no rules. I like to let someone know I care, every so often, depending on who they are, and what their loss was. Sometimes it's just kinder to walk away, and accept that in different circumstances, things may have been different. So now you also feel bereaved, as you have lost someone you care about to their grief. That's life! So now you also need to deal with your loss. written with much love from oneladybrijit for those who have lost a loved one  
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I do hope it helps.
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Words well spoken My brother just lost his bride of 25 years and my other brother and I were put on picture frame duty at the funeral home. They had too many pictures and not enough frames so we went to the K-Mart next door and picked up extra frames. We looked an odd bunch walking around K-Mart all dressed up for a funeral. Turns out there was more than one person that brought up a memory because one of those pictures
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Thank you Dive, I do hope all goes as well as possible.
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As Kermit the Frog would say, 'Life is a series of meetings and partings'. One day the sun is shining and life is grand, then a cannon ball ain't got no mind if your good or if your kind. Life is a mystery, that's for sure.
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Thank you vorple.
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