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| Blogs > oneladybrijit > For What It's Worth! |
My monsters
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My monsters I used to get told, "put brain in gear before engaging mouth". Wow, that's a long time ago. My monsters might be different to yours, just they could feel similar in ways that I am unaware of. I have always had to be so careful, because I always had this mastery of the English language, that really defied explanation. It might be because I did read so much as a young . If it had a bound cover, or a cardboard cover, and type in between, there was every chance that I would want to discover all of its' secrets. I could not resist. To me, books were the safe haven of life. They never ever hit me, or hurt me in any way. Instead they took me on boundless adventures, some teaching me things I did not know. Others touched my emotions, making me think about what it would be like if . .. and so on. They were just wonderful. In my younger years, if someone upset me, I would develop verbal diarrhoea, and it was usually so bad, that I'd make an enemy for life. Nobody really likes being friendless, so I had to do something to change that, and did I ever do something to change that! I did this course, then that course, and still another. At this stage, I had an incredibly supportive husband, who didn't want . He just wanted me all to himself, only I had already had two , and had given them up so that we could all be alive, and there was a huge hole in my chest, an emotional hole, and even though two new would never fill that hole, I really wanted to at least have the new , rather than none. After a bunch of courses, and doing my Fashion Certificate, we agreed it was time, and I had the two . (He did point out at one stage, that he had only ever agreed to one of them. Maybe now that she is grown, he doesn't feel that way.) Ok, so I have totally digressed as usual, this was about my monsters. MM. I have already said that I attended a lot of courses to gain control over my "verbal diarrhoea" and even if I tend to be long winded sometimes, I do think I have control (as in over offensive ways of saying things) almost all the time. Only this is still not dealing with my latest monsters. Over the last few months a lot has happened. My father started it all off when he nearly died, and he is still not well, still healing. The very next day, my uncle who had battled illness a few times, did die. As my situation is so tight, I had absolutely no funds to go see Dad. I had no funds to go to my uncle's funeral, and I felt devastated, as my uncle was really precious, and I have always loved him and all of his family. When I finally managed to make contact with Dad, he seemed ok, and it allayed my concerns, only he isn't as ok as I thought. He is still sick, and I have not seen him. I didn't get to see my over Christmas for their own reasons, and even though that really hurt, I am not my mother. Over the years my mother made it very clear that she was my mother, and she deserved to have all her around her at Christmas, Mother's Day and her birthday, so I have basically been there on every one of those occasions. When I just had no money, I may have missed only one or two of those occasions over all the years, so if you add back the times I saw her in between, then I have probably seen her on average about six times a year every single year of my adult life. This is when she is in another city! I am lucky if I see my two youngest once a year, and then it's on separate occasions, as they have never resolved their sibling rivalry, and it seems that all of this is somehow my fault. I did get to see the one lot of my siblings with their partners and offspring, and of course Mum and my Daddy over Christmas, as they are not that far away. In the meantime, two men in my life lost their mother, and I was able to be there for one of them. The other is gone, and he was really nice to me. I did like him. The precious friend did his thing, which it's pretty obvious I brought on with my comment on his level of maturity. You know I wasn't even feeling mentally together at all before all of this. I only started feeling mentally together around the middle of December, and then in January, pretty much everyone I knew disappeared. The men who had made contact with me here went on holidays, and so they were gone. The men in my phone life were gone, except the one who lost his mother. Then the one who I never ever talked about here until the other day also left my life, so now there is really only one who rings me, and other than another who makes the odd comment on my blog, there is absolutely nobody, and it's really distressing. Oh, something I didn't mention, on this site, there is now a problem with my email. I write an email, a really nice one that I have taken time over, and I do click on send. It comes up with "replied" on the email that was sent to me. I check my sent box, and nothing. The email is not there. I wait a day or two, and the person I sent it to, has not replied, nothing. At this time, I have no idea as to what I wrote, so now, it seems that I have to start again, and I am disheartened, because I have no idea as to what I originally wrote. Do you know what's good? Me. I may not get done what I should. I may not be pretty anymore. I was never that gorgeous, just I always had what I think could be called a "glow" about me, not a pregnancy one, a glow of warmth and happiness. That of course was killed after the dramas, only that is coming back. I just can't change the damaged teeth, as I don't have a dentist as such - not explaining that, too long winded. Ok, so as I said, I am no longer pretty, but the heart is starting to show on the outside, and somehow I am reteaching myself to value me. I am slowly regaining the thing that was always there with me. It's what attracted so many to me. I'd just smile, no matter what. I'd make people feel comfortable around me, and they'd think I wasn't any brighter than them. I am getting that back, slowly and surely. It is taking time. To me, even though I did drink probably way too much last night, and I cannot get over the blog I produced under the influence. Where are the typos????? The only typos I found are the intentional ones that were to accentuate what I was saying! Ok, I didn't finish that sentence. To me, even though I drank way too much, I did something really good for me. I gave myself a little break, some time out, and a chance to grieve for all the stupid things that have happened. I hope you are dealing with your monsters in a way that is safe for you and yours. 
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