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| Blogs > oneladybrijit > For What It's Worth! |
So what's wrong now????
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So what's wrong now???? Not sure where I am right now. After that wonderful peak of finding the answers to life long questions about heart attack, cancer, diabetes etc, where does one go next? Then when one is evacuated, and one's total sense of . . . . ????? . . . so hard to explain, is just eroded, sort of destroyed! . . and now one has to pick up the pieces, but there's really nothing to pick up! It's all emotional, and then there's the daily grind that just feels so much grind, and there just seems nothing left . . . and then there is this thing that has been bugging me, and I have said nothing, because I was always the one who had it totally under control, and now it's not under control, and it really hurts, talking about my pain. . . I used to have all my pain under control, and really didn't feel it, as I really had it under control. Sometimes, well, maybe often, only it was ok, at the end of the day I'd feel my pain, and that was ok, because I had it under control all day, only now I wake up with it. I feel it during the day. I feel it in the evening, and through the night sometimes, depending. Night is the only time I get a break from it now, or if I am busy enough to forget it. .. . . .and even though I know my pain is real, I wonder if it's just not because I don't do much, and if I were doing more, I wouldn't feel it, and I feel sorry for myself . . . Ok, so I am in a place right now that is not a good place emotionally . . . I am teary eyed right now . . . as I feel sorry for myself .. . . . I spent all those years working for the day that this issue would not be an issue. . . . and now it is an issue . . .even though I worked so hard to prevent it There's probably not much more to say on this, as it is how it is.... I first went online in 1996, when I was separated from my second husband. I joined one dating site, and then another and then another, and became a member of several. I worked hard at putting up a genuine profile on each site, and checked and/or updated each often. I worked hard at being a mother, a homemaker, at the time a university student, and maintained both the car and the yard as well as anything that needed doing around my home. I had a number of relationships, each lasting about six months, and then it no longer seemed right, and I'd gently allow him to break it off with me, so he would not suffer pain from us breaking up, as I did know how painful heartbreak could be, and didn't want to inflict that on another. I am sure the men didn't really suffer at all, as each happily moved on, blissfully unaware that I had let them go. I did it so nicely, that I was able to keep in touch with several, and for a long time, that's how it stayed. Throughout this, I was in Parents without Partners, and doing what I could to keep that going as well. I never ever stopped, always doing, always working towards that future, only instead of it, someone stepped into my life, and did things that destroyed everything I had ever worked for, and then I did what you do when you break, so to speak, and fell into the car crash and other dramas. I say it should never have happened, only we do grow from our experiences. Just sometimes we don't understand why or how, or anything else. Sometimes we just know we have to keep going, and we can only hope that tomorrow will be a better day. ... and we work to make it that way.. . . . and when it doesn't happen, no matter how hard we tried, we wonder . . . why??? . . . and we no longer have answers . . .yes, answers to everyday issues . . . just no answers to our life . . . . why, what for? . . . .no more answers . . . and it's so difficult! BTW. . . I should be happy right now . . .I am home . . the major threat is over . . . and it's raining . . .only there haven't been any new warnings . . . . and I didn't lose a thing! . . . . so why should I even be the slightest upset! . . . yet I am . . . .my animals are safe, my are fine without me . . . and everything is ok . . . so what is my problem????!!!!!????? Uh, don't answer that, as it will hurt. and there's a red car partially blocking my driveway right now. Maybe I should take a picture of it and upload it here. It made me smile and laugh. That's better. Now I can rant and rave about the idiot, one of many that has not worked out that somebody lives here, and this is somebody's home, and yes, he is attending a business, only it is not in my driveway, and he is one of around fifty that tend to use my driveway every single business day, and over fifty two weeks and years, that adds up to a lot of vehicles using my driveway, and it just makes me angry, but that's good, as now I have an emotion that burns up the negative energy. . . . and I can be inspired to do something other than feel sad . . chuckling, I can feel angry instead! Good, the idiot has gone. I wonder if I can go and get a few useful things done now. I do feel a bit better after sharing here. . . . and I do think that I said exactly what I am feeling without actually saying anything related to it. . . . 
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Hope your feeling better soon... Steven
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Could it be that you are the exact opposite to me? I always feel much happier when I am alone and free to do my own thing. Sir Teezalot WAR IS ABSURD
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Thank you Steven. I am sure that time will sort me out soon enough. I think it's all still a bit unreal.
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Sir Teez, there are times when I love my own company and my own space. There have been times when I thrived on just doing my own thing. Then there are times, when all I want is to be whatever by the right man for me. Right now, after years of work towards finding that, and then this latest bit of drama, I really just want cuddles, hugs, smooching, and whatever follows. It's just how I feel right now, and have felt all day today. It's not a crime. It's just the way I feel, and that happens sometimes. Usually when that happens, it lasts a few days for sure. Then I do get over it, because I am strong in myself, however by nature I think I would be the cuddliest, smoochiest, softest thing the right man would ever find in all of his life, other than a cat. I think a normal healthy cat is even cuddlier than me, as I don't like to overheat, and have to move away if that happens. It's the sense of loss, of not succeeding, of sort of failing to find that right man for me, that has me just devastated. I know that I don't want to put any more work into that ever, and that in itself is devastating. I also know that I have ten foot walls up, so that only the most sensitive man will find how to get through them. He will have to "tesseract" to get through, so that should be interesting. How many men know how to do that???? . . . and on that note I can smile and get out of here for tonight. At least at this moment I no longer feel melancholy.
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