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| Blogs > oneladybrijit > For What It's Worth! |
Where do I start???
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Where do I start??? So many swear words have passed through my normally coherent mind since Christmas. So much has gone wrong, blah blah. It just never seems to stop. Then there are these tiny rainbows, just sparkling here, there or somewhere you just never expected one to appear, like that dog. Now that and I have something in common, a non demanding, wonderful love for the other, and sometimes for those who definitely don't deserve for us to care about them. I miss that damned dog, and it's really nice to have found out she misses me. Never mind, trust me, I did nothing wrong. ...and that reminds me of my dog, out the back, and her total wonderful love for me, and oh dear, repeating myself . . and never mind, trust me, I did nothing wrong. Then there's the cat, and how even though she is one of those impossible "don't touch me" cats, she has her moments, and it is very good, as they are more rainbows. . . and if I go out the front, the gorgeous cherry tomatoes, a burst of sunshine in each one, not refrigerated, just fresh off the vine, yummy! If you ask, I might find one or two for you. Sometimes the rainbows appear in ways we were not anticipating, not out in the back yard, not in every day life, somewhere we just never ever thought we'd find something we call a rainbow, and when we see it, we don't recognise it, and then afterwards, we go, what? How did I miss that? . . . and we feel like an idiot. But then, they say what is meant to be will be, so maybe the rainbow will become more than just an ethereal vision in the distance. Maybe, because it is meant to be, it will show that it is very real, and good, and maybe it will all work out for a change. Now wouldn't that be nice? Uncle Stuart had a pilot's license, and that might be why he took me up in his Cessna when I was such a tiny girl. Wish I could catch up with Uncle Stewart. He was such a gentle man, and he would never have had any . I'd love to see him, and let him know that this "little girl", not so little today, loved him, really appreciated the way he treated me, and while there are ogres out there who think there is more to this, that's ok. If there were, I wouldn't be trying to share the message through this adult site. I do want Uncle Stewart to know that I treasured that Little Golden Book Atlas as long as it was in my possession. Then when it disappeared, I was so upset, and it didn't turn up for many years until it ended up given to one of my . Only there was the inscription, Love, Uncle Stuart, and yes, I may have misspelt that, as I no longer remember his name's spelling, just that I did love him back. I recently asked Mum about what actually happened, as I really wanted to catch up with him. She said that she feels it would no longer be possible to contact him, and that makes me sad. One day, I grabbed the phone, and there were so many people with the same surname, and variations of the spelling, that it was pretty much a total waste of time, ringing them one by one, as the chances of finding "my uncle" were pretty much none. What would I have gained by contacting him? Probably very little, just the satisfaction of knowing that I did catch up with him, the satisfaction of knowing that I told him, that I really appreciate the way he put up with me screaming all the way to the aircraft, all because he knew that I'd stop as soon as we started flying, and I did, not another sound, as my mouth opened wide with amazement. Do I love flying? I clocked up about seventeen flights to and from boarding school. It was the best part of my life back then, oh, other than my school friends. They were the best too, well, nearly all of them. I wish I were religious today, just so that I could keep all of them, only I am not and so that would be a lie. Then there's that other thing. I did catch up with a few from my childhood in recent times. The sinister part is that every one that I caught up with, suddenly disappeared soon after I caught up with them, and that is really sinister. Only I do have the contented feeling that firstly, I made the effort to try and locate them, and then that I did succeed in some cases, not all, and even though I was still so damaged, and maybe they thought I was totally nuts, which might have been right in a way, I still had the pleasure of hearing them again after all these years. I wasn't able to visit any, as I am too far away from any of them. It was just really nice to talk on the phone and I did that with each of them at least once before they were gone. It was really good, because it reminded me that I am a human, and not terrible as some have tried to make out I am. Due to life, and perhaps a touch of human interference, I have been cut off from my circle of friends several times, so I had to learn to start afresh, not once, over and over. There does come a time, when it all just feels too hard, and even though you once were a social person, it just feels too hard to pursue, especially when you have tried to catch up with those from the past and sort of failed, in that you weren't able to keep any of them in your life, and you do have no idea why. Enough said. Time to make a new start to a new day. 
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But then the past has a bad habit of getting in the way of the future. Sir Teezalot WAR IS ABSURD
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That's my point. Doesn't it ever! It's ok. As it is, I get on with the most desired males in this town, and until now it just never occurred to me what kind of jealousy that would inspire. Now that I have realised it, I may have to think about how I can avoid the claws, although I suspect that might be impossible. I suspect that I am so hated, that I will never be able to prevent the nasties from coming at me, however I know not to lower myself when these things happen. If I seem to keep a low profile from now on, you will know that it has a lot to do with those who would harm me.
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That's my point. Doesn't it ever! It's ok. As it is, I get on with the most desired males in this town, and until now it just never occurred to me what kind of jealousy that would inspire. Now that I have realised it, I may have to think about how I can avoid the claws, although I suspect that might be impossible. I suspect that I am so hated, that I will never be able to prevent the nasties from coming at me, however I know not to lower myself when these things happen. If I seem to keep a low profile from now on, you will know that it has a lot to do with those who would harm me. Seriously though, I suppose it adds to the debate about which gender has the toughest life. I am sure males also have fits of jealousy but no self respecting male would ever want to be called a bitch. So if any of my fellow males have ever played that card I have been too dumb to notice. But on the other hand males are obsessively competitive in the mating game and although we dont normally fight to the death for the right to impregnate the most prized females you also have to be pretty thick skinned to survive not being top dog. So which would you rather be? Sir Teezalot WAR IS ABSURD
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I am what I am, and whenever I look at the male/female thing, I end up just deciding that if I were born a male, I'd be a lot like Rasputin, getting up to a lot of mischief behind closed doors with every woman in the land, only I am assuming a lot there, as men do have one huge issue which will strongly influence whether they succeed with the women. I have always assumed that if I were male, the men would end up killing me for the wicked things I got up to with their women! Oh, but wouldn't I enjoy the process prior!  As a woman I have always bemoaned the way I have to wait until I attract the attention of a male, and then I have the audacity to decide that none of them are good enough, so then I bemoan the concept that I have none, yet I am the reason I have none, and then I ignore women as if they were not worth the time of day, and I wonder why I have no close female friends today. I think maybe I should just stop thinking and get out there and do!
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Remember what Descartes said about thinking. So whatever you do get out there and do, please dont stop thinking. Perhaps as a male I should be ashamed and apologetic about my lust dominated youth. And even though I did get out there and try to score with a woman to satisfy my lustful needs I would more often than not wonder home with my tail between my legs and be ashamed that of being unable to resist a few rounds with the trusty hand pump. Now I feel just as ashamed and apologetic that I am just too bloody lazy and lustless to get out and make up for lost time with wonderful ladies like you. But in a way we are birds of a feather. I have always felt more comfortable in female company and have never felt the urge for any "male bonding" or senseless nights out drinking with the boys. But then what is your definition or criteria for being "good enough"? Sir Teezalot WAR IS ABSURD
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Thank you for suggesting that a lady like me is wonderful. You asked a direct question, and as I am not in the right frame of mind to give that question the attention it deserves, I may not answer as gently as I could. A man I am in love with is good enough, only for me to be in love, he has to be in love with me. As I am very careful who I get close to, that takes a lot. I do not believe in walking a one way street, and unless a man is as interested in me, as I am in him, it's no go. When I am interested, and this would suggest that he is interested, it's pretty full on, no holds barred, as both of us trust the other, and neither of us would hurt the other in any way, so there is going to be nothing but pleasure. I don't know if that makes sense to you. I do ask a lot of questions if I get to know a man through here, and if he is not up to my criteria, I do let go. By the time I meet any man through this site, he is very eligible for me, so if we meet, there is a strong chance of the most wonderful fireworks just as we meet. Having said that, I am no longer attractive, so it might no longer be that easy. I have severely damaged teeth, amongst other visual flaws. Maybe the point I am making in this bit, is that there needs to be chemistry as well as compatibility, only sometimes it is the compatibility that creates the chemistry, sometimes. You would never know this as it doesn't usually show. If a man is too interested, I go into the same need for space as many men have. I feel threatened, and need to disappear, while I try to make sense of what happened, so as with a man, if it feels too good, I get suspicious and disappear until I feel it's ok, or until I just get over that initial fear. I also don't believe in getting involved with married men. I did make that mistake once, and once only. I will make sure that I never make that mistake again. If I have any doubts about a relationship, I can disappear even before I give it a chance, as I really don't want to make mistakes anymore, only no matter how hard we try, we will always make mistakes, and if we are lucky, we will be old enough to work our way through them, and stay in that new relationship. I don't know if this makes sense to you. I do hope it does.
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Thank you for suggesting that a lady like me is wonderful. You asked a direct question, and as I am not in the right frame of mind to give that question the attention it deserves, I may not answer as gently as I could. A man I am in love with is good enough, only for me to be in love, he has to be in love with me. As I am very careful who I get close to, that takes a lot. I do not believe in walking a one way street, and unless a man is as interested in me, as I am in him, it's no go. When I am interested, and this would suggest that he is interested, it's pretty full on, no holds barred, as both of us trust the other, and neither of us would hurt the other in any way, so there is going to be nothing but pleasure. I don't know if that makes sense to you. I do ask a lot of questions if I get to know a man through here, and if he is not up to my criteria, I do let go. By the time I meet any man through this site, he is very eligible for me, so if we meet, there is a strong chance of the most wonderful fireworks just as we meet. Having said that, I am no longer attractive, so it might no longer be that easy. I have severely damaged teeth, amongst other visual flaws. Maybe the point I am making in this bit, is that there needs to be chemistry as well as compatibility, only sometimes it is the compatibility that creates the chemistry, sometimes. You would never know this as it doesn't usually show. If a man is too interested, I go into the same need for space as many men have. I feel threatened, and need to disappear, while I try to make sense of what happened, so as with a man, if it feels too good, I get suspicious and disappear until I feel it's ok, or until I just get over that initial fear. I also don't believe in getting involved with married men. I did make that mistake once, and once only. I will make sure that I never make that mistake again. If I have any doubts about a relationship, I can disappear even before I give it a chance, as I really don't want to make mistakes anymore, only no matter how hard we try, we will always make mistakes, and if we are lucky, we will be old enough to work our way through them, and stay in that new relationship. I don't know if this makes sense to you. I do hope it does. Perhaps because this site is all about lust and not love so being explicit about tits and pussies and dicks and how we use (or abuse) them is the order of the day but we tend to be much more protective about feelings. But nevertheless having revealed your vulnerability I take it as my sworn duty to provide some protection. I am sure that you have had enough experience with blokes to understand by now that while women have a tendancy to have sex with blokes they fall in love with (an clearly you fall into this bracket), men on the other hand tend to fall in love with women they have sex with. And therein lies the problem. I suppose while age has unfortunatley greatly reduced my libido, it has also reduced my risk of falling in love again. As bad as it may sounf I am pretty happy abou that. It makes me feel very safe around women, especially the more romantic and sensitive ones like you. So anyway, I think you should put aside any thoughts of how attractive you may or may not be. That is rather superficial and I dont really think you would be compatible with the shallow variety of males that will judge you either by the size of your tits or the number of wrinkles on your face. I would tend to think you would be far more compatible with the kind of bloke who admires you for your self confidence and so you should bannish all thoughts about any imperfections you may or may not be blessed with. Unfortunatley you appear to have had a few negative experiences with men and perhaps even a soft spot for the bad apples. And you have clearly learned a lesson. However it does sound that a good relationship is very high on your wish list and nothing wrong with that. But I dont think you can ever achieve it if you are not prepared to take risks. Like they say, there is no gain without pain and you have to be prepared to get hurt a few more times before you get what you are looking for. But I will obviously hope that you get lucky and perhaps you are due some better fortune. And by the way, I am happy to be a friend if you need someone to talk to now and then or to compare notes with. But like I said earlier I will never fall in love and you would have to promise never to fall in love with me too. I can also be pretty brutally honest too for the very same reason. Sir Teezalot WAR IS ABSURD
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Sir Teez, I don't make promises that I am not sure I will keep. Having said that, from memory, you are married, as old as one of my twin uncles, and therefore really not someone I would ever view as more than a friend, so I suspect that you are totally safe there. Chances are that I will never view you as anything but someone to chat to. However if you are not what I think you are, it's very good that I am not going to make any promises, as that's when promises can get broken, if we think someone is something other than what they really are. I do enjoy all your responses to my blogs, and to my comments, so thank you for them. What you said about women and men in relation to falling in love suggests that all a woman has to do, is get him to have sex with her, and then she will get what she wants, if she is in love with him, as you said that's when the man falls in love, sounds like the perfect recipe!
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Not so simple,especially in your case, there is a glaring flaw in the recipe. "get him to have sex with you" is easy peasy, try stopping him from having sex with you if you are really up for a challenge. But then you want the bloke to be in love with you before you have sex with him right? Unless this is not one of those recipes where you have to add all the ingredients in exactly the right order. Sir Teezalot WAR IS ABSURD
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Sir Teez, wouldn't it be nice if everything were always as easy as someone else painted them? Fact, no man that I would like to play with, wants to play with me at this time. Fact, I am not in love with any man, nor any one man, just not in love. Fact, I love the man I play with, and that is normally after the fact. Unless he is a really awful lover, by the time I play with the man, it's because I actually "care" about him, not in love, just care, or love the thought of some action with him. Once we play, I normally find stronger feelings for him than before, and sometimes nothing changes, especially if the real reason for us "playing" was to play and nothing else. However then, I will most likely "love him" as my playmate, and nothing more. Confused? I would be one of the most fickle women you will ever get to know in your life, if you like, the ultimate playgirl, in the sense that I love men, not one man, love playing with one man, and only one man, until he's "not my type" anymore. Then I want to move to the next man, and I did warn my "precious friend" of all of this, and that might have a lot to do, with why he has always treated me with kid gloves, pushing me away the instant he felt threatened in any way. I don't blame him one bit. I warned him, because I felt like all I really wanted to do was play with him, not take him seriously. Then, like the siren I tend to be, I'd just smile, and disappear. It's actually quite good that he kept me at arm's length for all those years, as now, even though he never ever touched me, I do value him, and have missed our friendship terribly since he left my life. So no, I am not likely to fall in love easily, however I do fall in love hard. When I love someone, I love them "like a rock", immovably, and if things go wrong, I don't want to change anything. So really, perhaps I am the sort, that, it's ok if I dump him, and no, it's not ok for him to dump me. This is why a number of men have dumped me, to make sure I got the message that it's not ok to hurt men's hearts. . . . and that is why I tend to just not go there anymore. I want to. I love it. Yep. Gimme, gimme, gimme, only I don't want to break his heart. . . I don't want my heart broken. . . so I just don't anymore, . . and would I??? You BET! If I thought whoever he is, and I, could make things work out. Now That is DEEP! . . . come to think about it, it's also very shallow! I am just me, and I love me, and I don't really care anymore, which may be part of why I smile so much. Why not smile? I have been there, oh, sorry, not overseas, just "there", and done that, and nothing really matters anymore, as I have suffered pain to beat all pain, so it's all good, even when it's bad. It's just life. I hope I have not confused you. I suspect that you will claim I have, and you will know that you know exactly what I have said, and that I actually meant exactly that. Between the lines is for those who can't be honest or open. I need to go, as there are things I really need to do. It's Easter, and even if I don't go away after all, I still want to do my best to prepare for it.
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