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| Blogs > oneladybrijit > For What It's Worth! |
..happy to be me right now . .
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..happy to be me right now . . ... I am happy to be me . . Today I did something to make me feel that touch more secure, and I am really happy that I did it, as it really does make me feel just a bit more secure. More than anything, it makes me feel better, and that is far more important than whether I am actually more secure than before... I feel more secure... and that counts for far more. Don't you like it when you feel safe? Yesterday the chainsaw failed, and that bothered me, as I really wanted to achieve a lot more than I had done. It's not so bad anymore though, because I feel that I have finished all the basic learning. Now I feel that what I need is staying power, and practise. Of course I also need a chainsaw that works, only right now, that is not possible. Life is like that. Just when you think you have it all solved, another problem arises. . . .and now for a different direction . . . I have said this once before, only I say a lot in my blogs, so it might be easy to miss this: A long time ago at school, I'd "love a boy". You know, like girls do. Then one day he'd say something or do something, and next thing I didn't love him anymore. Instead I loved that boy! I loved the new boy so much that sometimes it would hurt!  Do you remember those days? Next thing he did something, like pick his nose, or a new boy came along, and I'd be in love with this other one. I could never love another like I was in love with this boy. I had never ever been so in love with anyone as I was with this boy, and he didn't even know I existed!!! ... as often happens in childhood.So I grew a bit older, and I met this one, then that one, and now it tended to be a two way street, and if it wasn't, I just wasn't interested. More often than not, he'd be interested, and I just wasn't, only there were plenty that were interested, and it wasn't long before someone worthwhile would turn up. Each "new love" was stronger than the last, greater than the last, and each time I loved a new young man, I loved him more than I had ever loved anyone ever before, and could never ever love anyone like that again. Then it didn't work out, was over, and that was that. I'd feel so fickle, as I found someone new. There were times when I could not understand how I could possibly have feelings for someone new. The way I had felt about him was so great! Now you are wondering if I am for real. Only what does happen, is that the more you love, the greater your capacity to love becomes. So while I was feeling fickle, it wasn't the issue at all. The issues were very different. Like the young men, I was young, immature, and still had a lot of learning to do. While I was at a certain stage, I'd attract a certain type of male, and as I changed, or he matured before me, we'd outgrow each other, and we would end up moving on. I think this tends to happen a lot in youth, and it takes something special between two people to stay together through the various stages, partly dedication, partly commitment, only I feel that without an incredible bond of some kind, plus a real love for each other, it's not possible. In fact, I feel that there are so many negatives when it comes to a couples ability to stay together. Perhaps the great thing is that the more you love, the more you can love, so while a few years back you merely cared about someone, now you might have a really powerful love for them, or you may have moved on to find a new love that you never ever thought possible. To me that ability to love more than before may be because as we age, we attract people more like ourselves, and we learn lessons along the way, so that those we get closer to are people we actually want to get closer to, and as a result if love is the outcome, it will be a stronger more wonderful love. Only a thought, and perhaps worth considering. .. oh, there's something you might have to take into consideration here. This is coming from someone who has lost everything, not once, not twice, but a number of times. For someone like me, even though I do value my home and my various possessions, they are only things, as they can be destroyed or taken away just like that, and if you are not prepared, it can be really devastating. It's not that I can easily lose everything. Each time, it's still devastating, just my attitude is easier, as I know that my possessions are not what makes me. When some of us have lost everything over and over, we develop a love for people, for ourselves, for our personal skills in every area, and it no longer matters what certain others think, only what we feel about ourselves, and perhaps what a select few say to us, as we know that they are caring people like ourselves, and therefore deserve their place in our lives. Perhaps this is why I get told, that I make friends easily, and when I feel that I have lost people, I am told, you will be fine, just be patient, they will come back, and then next thing I know people from the past find me and get in touch, and remind me that there are people who do value me out there. I just forget sometimes when I am in my dramas. Now about those dramas, it's easy to feel like "I am the only one who suffers!" Only this is not true. Life is full of dramas and problems and issues, and if there aren't any problems or issues or dramas in our lives, then either we aren't living, or we are living in seclusion, away from the rest of the world. Those who are away from these things are indeed lucky, because for the rest of us life is full of constant challenges, and maybe someone is right, maybe I am much more healed than I realise at present. I just don't feel that healed yet, find I do a lot wrong, and have real concerns about my ability to live out there in the real world yet. Ok, I have said plenty once again, and can only hope it's all good for you.
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