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| Blogs > oneladybrijit > For What It's Worth! |
Sorry
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Sorry Sorry I haven't been here. Sorry I am not wonderful anymore. I am really sorry that I am disappointing those who care about me, as I continue to keep to myself, preferring my company to the challenges of getting to know others. I just can't anymore. I can't come on here and feel safe. I just don't. So I am really sorry to those who care, those who would like to keep in touch, it's just not going to happen. The last two years have been long, full of tears, and then one day, a glimmer of hope, in the form of my motor scooter. Then I bought a bike as well. Of course, I had to fall off that once for sure. It took months to get it repaired, and now it is repaired, it needs other work. I don't know how to explain, that the freedom of not having anyone control me while I am on one of my bikes, is really good. The fresh air was always good when I climbed mountains, really hills, as they were here in Australia. I was always such a strong person inside, loving myself and my freedoms. It's why it has always been so hard to get attached and really mean it. It's why, yes, I can love someone and not be in love at all. I do love lots of people in lots of different ways. It doesn't mean anything in the "in love" stakes. Then there are my animals. They took my life over, as I acquired a second dog, and when I bought my replacement kitten, I made sure I bought a second, so they'd grow up with company, and get used to having a companion in their life. That way if I ever do go away, they will have each other, just as the two dogs will also. I don't know if I ever will go away now, so busy caring for them, and the fish. It took a lot to set up the aquariums, and then to care for the fish in them. It was worth it over winter, as there weren't as many losses amongst the fish from my pond. Only a few catfish died in their place. The fish are back in the pond over our summer, and I have already lost another two catfish indoors. I won't bother too much about replacing them for now, as I do suffer grief even over losing a fish. It's just me. It's amazing how many from my past are checking in whenever they can. It's hard to feel alone at any time these days. I do like that when I feel safe about who is touching base with me. Then of course, how can anyone feel alone with all my animals? I didn't mention the eight baby fish that popped up out of nowhere in one of my tanks, so yes, they are just there in the tank, as they are a bit over an inch, or about three cm long. They look like they might be really special fish. Only time will tell. Even if I am sad, which I definitely am right now, I am really happy inside, not sure I have ever been so happy in my life, and then I am sad, so devastated that Mum is gone. It meant nothing while she was alive, and now that she is gone, the person I used to be able to blame, take it out on, get angry at, and didn't even realise how awful I was to her, is gone. I can't ring her right now, and tell her how worried I am over yep, him. Those who said I'd see him again, were right, and for good reason. I never ever said he is awful. I never ever said I didn't care. I just said I was incredibly angry at that time, and have had trouble resolving any of it since. I don't think it will ever be resolved. I do think that whatever friendship we had is over, as he is well and truly over me in every way. (He met a lady, and it seems that he does see her every now and then.) I also think he feels things that he could really use friends to help him through. Only when I do try to touch base, he bites my head off and makes me feel it was a total waste of time going there. I do hope I am wrong, and that my odd visit actually helps him through. I can't share. That would be wrong. I can say that yes, I am really worried about him in his situation, because it's really not good right now. Then again, I might be totally wrong. He might be so anti me, that he is just telling me anything to get rid of me, and of course, I have no idea, and just feel awful about what he says is going on in his life, for his sake. Perhaps for the rest of you, I can say, without revealing any of his situation, that if you tell a caring lady, that you are going through this, or that, and that this has gone wrong, and that is wrong, and there are all these dramas in your life, then the caring lady will worry about you, want to be there for you, and if anything, become more concerned for your welfare, and if you like, more attached, although maybe it's not actually attached at all, just really worried for your welfare. Maybe when you don't care about a lady, the cleverest thing you can do, is just tell her it's lovely that she cares, and close your door on her, without being rude. One day, the lady will just walk away, as it's really pointless being there for someone who doesn't want you there. ....and that is why I will never even get very close to anyone new again. Those from my past, know what I am, they know me, and how I am just there for them even if things don't impress me. I make sure they know that I am not in love with them, unlike in his case. All I have ever done is worry about him, as he just seemed to go through more dramas than even I have had, and those who have read my blogs, know I went through a lot. I spent most of nine years on him, and I am pretty sure that if he cared about me, we could have had something really precious. It just wasn't going to happen. I don't have that time to give to new men. That's not clear. I do not mean in love in any way with him. I merely mean that I have not been able to let him know it's just caring. He does not seem to understand at all. I keep saying I don't walk one way streets, and he made it clear he was a one way street at the start. I also explained how he wasn't that clear at later times etc. So, yep, not in a great place in relation to becoming attached. I like single much better, much safer, much more secure. I love my animals, my bikes, my freedom, and going to dinner with one of my sometimes, or another family member. Thank goodness they pay, as there just isn't the spare money. Then every now and then another lady asks if I'd like to join her and her , and that's lovely too. Just for clarity, I no longer have any religious affiliation, preferring my attitude to nature's laws. My only two problems are when I am there for that man, and money. I don't really have many other problems anymore, other than the normal aging process, and of course the usual daily life issues, yep, big and small. It doesn't take away the sadness over losing mum. 
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No need to be sorry. In fact nice of you to pop in again to say hello. And by the way, there is also no need to feel guilty about preferring your own company. I feel to many folks go out collecting trophy friends just to show off and concede to peer pressure. I think when it comes to friendships, quality is always better than quantity in the long run. Sir Teezalot WAR IS ABSURD
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