When Volunteer Work Becomes A Bit More Challenging
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Posted:Apr 30, 2017 5:43 pm
Last Updated:Apr 30, 2017 6:43 pm
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Preface: This entry is not intended to evoke a pity party nor to solicit platitudes for my volunteer work. It's simply a 'get it off your chest' post.
As I mentioned in a previous blog entry, volunteering at the local SPCA has been incredibly rewarding for me. I can see genuine results of my efforts in the form of dogs finding homes. And I get to play with dogs, which is always fun. However, over the past few weeks, there have been some rough days for me at the shelter.
It'll help if I set the stage a bit. What most people don't realize is that many of the animals that come through our facility have never been pets or have been in 'the system' for so long, they've forgotten how to be one. As a result, they can often be quite difficult to work with, spooky, and sometimes aggressive. When I get done at the shelter, it sometimes feels as though I've been in a bar fight, because some massive animal has been fighting me on a leash or body slamming me in excitement. Bottom line, you can't do this sort of work without possessing a sincere, genuine love of animals.
But you wind up facing a double edged sword, because as much as you love these dogs, even the more challenging ones, you have to be able to switch your emotions off when you leave at the end of the day. If you don't, you'll wind up a complete mess and unable to do the work you've committed yourself to. It's a skill I've become adept at over the six years of so I've been on the volunteer training group. Some of the things I've seen, with respect to the condition dogs arrive in, I refuse to speak or think about. You have to shut those thoughts out.
But every now and again, there are dogs that won't allow you to just walk away unscathed. For one reason or another, they steal your heart and won't let go. So, as much as I try to cultivate my cold, bulletproof persona, I'll admit to there being times I've driven home with a tear in my eye. That happened this past week, but it was more of a tidal wave.
The story starts in September of last year. There were two German Shepherds that came into the shelter together; one was a 'standard', the other a beautiful white one. They had clearly been in the system for quite some time and were so shut down and flat that they were almost spooky. Like most dogs, they were incredibly stressed in the shelter environment. They were were loving, gentle, and scared out of their minds and for some reason, these two captured my heart. Two gorgeous dogs like that would normally find homes in a heartbeat. The white one alone would be adopted before I could finish typing this sentence. Except they had become emotionally dependent on one another and could only be adopted as a pair. Because of their codependency, I couldn't really work with one at a time, so I spent hours with both, gaining their trust, giving them love, treats, and generally trying to make their stay a little stressful. I know it helped a bit because they didn't wag their tails at all, when someone came to visit; they began doing it for me but only me.
Obviously, adopting two massive dogs requires someone special. Yet, some time in October, it happened, but came back within a month, when their new family had to move and couldn't take the girls along. They went back out in March and I thought they'd struck gold, being adopted by a family with a farm. We were all encouraged by the photos of the girls playing, which no one could get them to do at the shelter. Then, on Thursday, I saw a sign on one of the kennels - 'Reserved for X & Y'. My girls were being returned (through no fault of their own) and it felt like my heart was being ripped out. I'm not ashamed to admit there were a few tears even before I left the shelter that day.
But I'm taking all of the emotion and turning it to motivation to get the dogs adopted. That means breaking them up, if at all possible, but only if it can be done without harming their emotional well being. I'm the only one they trust enough to venture out without each other, so the task falls to me. I'll spare you the details, but I began yesterday and am encouraged by what I've accomplished so far.
Long post, with multiple admissions of vulnerability, but it needed to be written just to get if off my chest. Thanks for reading.
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Expectations In Your Fantasy World
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Posted:Apr 28, 2017 10:27 am
Last Updated:Apr 28, 2017 1:25 pm
12150 Views
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When I wrote my entry on dating in your 40's, I thought I'd covered the topic fairly well. However, I recently had an experience that pushed what I considered an abnormal dating pitfall into the primary group.
I'd been emailing with a lovely woman, who seemed like a great catch. Educated, funny, very attractive, yada yada yada. We decided to chat on the phone and had an interesting and enjoyable conversation. The next day, she sent me an email that contained the following:
I must be honest though, I felt like I was talking to a long lost buddy, not someone I thought I might date. I'm not writing it off, I simply didn't fall asleep pondering the what ifs. I think that's what I was hoping for.
Wait, what???
While many have become jaded, everyone desires the fairy tale 'happily ever after', whether they'll openly admit it or not. Most of us who are dating have the desire to find a love that will last the rest of our lives. Some, both with and without some sort of mental health issues, tend to dive into a serious relationship more quickly than others. I've been guilty of doing so occasionally, in the past.
However, expecting to discover that perfect match / soulmate / love of your life in an initial phone call is just ludicrous for a host of reasons that I think are self-evident. Sorry, but I'm not feeling the need to sugar coat, today. There must be some insane level of magic that's gotta go down for that to happen! Personally, I've never experienced it nor have I ever encountered someone who claims it happened to them. One thing is for certain though; had someone told me they'd imagined the future with me, after the first phone call, Mo Farah would have looked like he was standing still compared to the speed I exhibited in running away.
She went on to conclude with: This may add to the reasons I am single.
Gee, ya think?
Before our phone conversation, she shared that the great love of her life was married to another woman. That somewhat set the stage for her expectations to be somewhat out of sync with reality. I'll save my thoughts on that situation for another post.
That brings us back to the beginning, where I mention omissions in my original dating entry. While I touched on unrealistic expectations, that section should probably be a bit more robust. If you revisit the blog, you'll see I explicitly state that those in the various segments should be avoided and a new one has been added.
Never Married / No - Probably what will be the most controversial on the list, it belongs just the same. It's intentionally a two criteria segment because, while it may offend some readers, you haven't learned what true commitment is until you've had of your own. Marriage can teach commitment, but not always. Regardless, the women in this segment have made a commitment to neither marriage nor . Because the reasons vary, ranging from unrealistic expectations, to chronic immaturity, to mental illness / fear of commitment / inability to love, and so on, it's not feasible to create the perfect picture of this woman. However, I've dated multiple women who fall into this category and, with only one exception, they've all been disasters.
This experience provides a great time to revisit our own expectations, with respect to a potential partner, and ask ourselves whether they're reasonable, complete fantasy, or potentially harmful to our own well being.
But dating in your 40's will still suck, so why bother. Just get a and fuck random strangers...
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Asking For What You Need
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Posted:Mar 14, 2017 10:27 am
Last Updated:May 2, 2017 8:15 am
13418 Views
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In just the past couple of months, I've taken some harsh criticism for something I take very seriously, not being there to support someone I love. Both accusations came from women; they hurt but also, to be blunt, pissed me off. Why? Because, in both instances, I wasn't aware they needed my support until I was accused of neglecting them. And that's the theme of this blog.
If you want something, ask for it!
This goes for anything you may need someone you love to provide for you. Support, sex, a shoulder to cry on, dinner out, whatever. However, we're not talking about another Prada bag or giving up golf. You're on your own for those sorts of things.
Before I go any further, let's get it out in the open; it's pretty much the men who are guilty of falling short in these matters. We all know it, so I won't couch this entry by saying it applies to both sexes; it really doesn't.
People in general, and men in particular, can't be expected to read minds. Take asking for emotional support as an example. Men are typically brought up to not show emotion; it's a sign of weakness!. Therefore, we almost never ask for someone to 'be there' for us. We're just not wired to consider that as an option, so that need doesn't pop into our head. Therefore, if your entire family gets eaten by a herd of hippos, but you're soldiering onward, wearing a brave face, we think you've got it under control. About the only time we'll know you need us is if you're bleeding out on the floor after a knife fight.
I'll say it again - If you need something from your partner or close friend, ask for it. I'm not, in any way, saying you don't deserve whatever you're asking for. And that whatever may be supremely self-evident to you and perhaps the rest of the world. But even the most thoughtful guy is going to miss certain things from time to time. And I'll speak for the male gender when I say we're happy to do things in order to support you. Your happiness is very important to us. So, if we're not giving you what you need, ask.
This may sound harsh, but if you haven't gotten 'whatever', and haven't asked, then don't complain, because you have no right to. Silence is tacit acceptance of what you're receiving from those around you.
He should have known about 'whatever'! Perhaps, but, for whatever reason, he didn't. Don't allow yourself to become bitter over something that could have been a non-issue. Let the one's who love you be the heroes they wish they could be for you!
I'll use the two women I mentioned as examples. Those who've read my other posts will recognize both of them. We'll start with my recent friend dumper. It seems she was upset that I wasn't there for her during the holidays, which are a difficult time for reasons I won't share here. Honestly, I'd forgotten, because she's always been the master of soldiering on. I hadn't been around due to my own self-centered issues and tough time, but that's not important. When I reached out, post holidays, she gave me the silent treatment and continues to refuse any sort of communication.
When a friend isn't there for you, but you need them, which is the better option?
a) Friend 1 - 'Hey, if you're around, I could use some company. You know this time of year is a bit rough for me.'
Friend 2 - 'I'm so sorry; I totally forgot about that. Sure, when do you want me to come over? Should I bring cake?'
or
b) Silence, followed by being resentful and angry enough to cut ties with your best friend.
She indicated, on social media, that had I offered an apology, she'd have likely accepted it. That information was a bit tough to come by, since she'd completely cut ties with me. Should I have known to send an apology? Probably. I fucked up with her. But obviously, I didn't.
Again, choose the better option:
a) Friend 1 - 'You suck as a friend! You disappeared when I needed you. You know the holidays are tough for me.'
Friend 2 - 'Oh shit, I forgot about that. I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you. You deserve better from me.'
or
b) Friend 1 - Silence
In this case, as I've stated before, I fucked up and I'm not placing the blame elsewhere. I admit it, regret being self-centered, and deserve whatever abuse I receive. (So, skip the 'you're an asshole' comments; pointing out the obvious is embarrassing for both of us.) But to end a friendship over not getting something you could have, had you only asked?
The other person is the woman I was dating while I was ignoring former friend's needs for me to be there. She was going through a challenging phase of her divorce and it was weighing heavily on her. However, she was, wait for it, soldiering on. After we broke up, she complained that I wasn't there for her during that tough time.
In both cases, I'm obviously sympathetic to their situation. With my former best friend, unless she got the bargain unit, the silver thing she carries around not only receives phone calls and emails, but it also initiates outgoing messages. Had she used that functionality, things would have ended differently. With respect to the apology, again, had she asked, I would have offered one; she was my best friend and I loved her for it. But rather than ask for what she needed, both my time and an apology, she ended our friendship.
In the case of the other woman, I was in the same damned room with her, when she claims I wasn't there for her. Yes, I was busy making Christmas cookies, but she never gave so much as a hint she needed my shoulder. Yet she bitched after the fact. Sorry, princess, if you couldn't ask, you're not allowed to bitch.
I'll repeat this one more time: Had either of the two asked for me to support them, I would have dropped everything to provide that support, no questions asked.
Ultimately, we must take responsibility for our own needs, even if we're forced to rely on someone else to meet them. Don't allow yourself fall into the trap of becoming bitter over a situation you had the power to change, had you simply asked for what you need.
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Please Tie Me To The Bed?
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Posted:Mar 4, 2017 8:02 am
Last Updated:Apr 28, 2020 7:55 am
12927 Views
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In my previous blog, I mentioned how I was privileged enough to allow a woman to live out her sexual fantasies, as well as discover new and exciting ones. In a blog I published elsewhere (which won’t show up here), I wrote about the dangers of dating someone who’s separated. However, I also identified the one potential silver lining that a man may experience with certain women. These women have been trapped in a garbage marriage, with a man that had long lost interest in satisfying them. During that marriage, their sexual desires have increased in both intensity and breadth. So, when they leave their marriage, they’ve amassed one or more sexual fantasies that they’re dying to live out. If you’re a man who can build a level of trust with one of these ladies, you could be in for a fun ride. The following is one of many I’ve enjoyed.
I had the pleasure of playing Mr. Roarke (if you’re too young to get the reference, the internet’s your friend) for Miss Abandonment issues, who I’ve previously written about. From a , her most erotic fantasy was being tied down to a bed, blindfolded, and at the mercy of a strong man. This came up when I mentioned I owned a set of restraints. She said she’d wanted to have that experience so long, but never trusted her husband enough to let him tie her down. But she trusted me and asked if I could make it happen for her. Well, who am I to say no to a beautiful woman who wants to give herself to me completely?
Since she held this fantasy for so long, I took my responsibility seriously, wanting to make it as memorable as possible. There were boxes from Amazon (you can get anything there!) arriving every day, leading up to the big event. The blindfold was a big deal, because to her, the excitement came as much from the anticipation and not knowing what was coming next, as the physical sensation. Also in preparation, we established a safe word, just in case.
When the big evening arrived, I ushered her into my bedroom and instructed her to put on a set of stockings I’d purchased for her. I may have a bit of an affinity for nylon covered legs, so they were added to the fantasy by me. I applied the blindfold, then placed her in the restraints, both wrist and ankle. I uncovered my ‘tool box’ (which I’d kept hidden so she had no clue even what was on offer) and audibly contemplated my next move, letting the anticipation build. I began with light touches to her shoulders, thighs, and then breasts. I told her that she was completely mine, that I owned her and would do as I pleased for the rest of the night. That she was at my mercy and would feel pleasure and pain, subject to my whim. In order to drive that point home, I provided a physical reminder of how helpless she was, by straddling her and shoving my cock in her mouth (which she truly loves). After making her gag on my hard cock, I spent some time fucking her tits. It’s worth pointing out that Miss AI has an amazing rack and loves her tits very much. She’s almost invariably fondling one or the other and loves any attention centered on them. Having appropriately raised her temperature, I decided to cool her off a bit and grabbed the ice/water container. I let a few drops touch her belly, hips, and nipples, each drop eliciting a small gasp.
Then, it was time to turn up the heat, so I pulled out the magic wand I’d purchased and applied it to various parts of her body, taking what must have seemed to be an eternity to reach her clit. Her body began to buck against her bonds. After just a few seconds, she told me ‘no’ (for what has long since escaped me), which earned the removal of the wand from her sex. She screamed in frustration and begged for me to take care of her. No, it was time for some slow anticipation, along with a reminder of who was in charge. So I returned to lightly touching various body parts with verbal instructions of how someone in her position should speak to their owner.
At this point, I inserted a bullet vibe (with remote) I’d purchased into her soaking pussy, but leaving it turned off, to further build her anticipation. I turned it on and enjoyed watching her body begin to move as she responded to the stimulation. As she built up steam toward reaching an orgasm, I turned the vibe off and walked away, saying she didn’t deserve to cum after telling me no. When I came back, I made her apologize and beg for me to touch her. At that point, I decided she could have an orgasm and turned the vibe back on until she came for me.
With that done, I pulled out my last remaining tool, which was a sex candle. If you’re not familiar with these, they’re made of wax with a much lower melting point than the ones you buy at say Pier One. Sure, they still provide some pain (as desired) but the wax isn’t as hot so it won’t burn your lover’s skin.
And so it went, for the next 45 minutes I repeated the cycle, slowly and deliberately applying various touch sensations, gradually building toward a crescendo that sometimes, I’d give her the orgasm she longed for, and other times not, leaving her frustrated and whimpering. Sometimes, the ice or candle would be accompanied by my turning on the vibe inside her, others on their own. She never knew what was coming or whether she’d be, um, cumming. When I felt I’d brought her everything she desired and more, I went in for the grand finale, which consisted of both the bullet buzzing her g-spot and the wand on her clit. I made her scream for me through three back to back orgasms, her body bucking and twisting against the bonds that held her wrists and ankles.
When I released her from her bonds, she could barely move and my sheets were soaked from her sweat and other bodily fluids. She thanked me for making her fantasy become reality and putting the thought and effort into the experience. She told me it was more exciting than she’d ever dreamed it could be.
For me, even though the only intimate touch I received was what I described above, it was still one of the hottest encounters I’ve ever had. I’d tied partners up before, but they weren’t as engaged as Miss AI was. I’ve already written about the woman who was so submissive that she just laid there and came over and over. I think the other thing that made it incredibly exciting was knowing I was the one she wanted to live her fantasy with, and the gratitude she demonstrated at my making it happen.
This was one of the few encounters I’ve recorded. She wasn’t terribly enthused about my doing so, but acquiesced just the same. I’m glad I did because it’s hotter than any porn video I’ve ever seen. No, I’m not posting it here. You’ll have to make do with a properly blurred still and use your imagination for the rest.
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Dating and Mental Illness - The Data
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Posted:Feb 5, 2017 7:19 pm
Last Updated:Mar 14, 2017 9:41 pm
15319 Views
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Some folks have taken me to task on my assertion that it's more difficult to find a single woman without mental illness, in my demographic, than not. That I'm way overestimating the ration, because I only wind up dating crazies. That I've repeatedly explained how it's not the case doesn't seem to matter.
The sole purpose of this post is to determine whether my claim is complete rubbish or within the realm of possibility. We're going to look at data, nothing more. I've covered the 'whys' and 'hows' elsewhere.
Some scope for you - In every instance, the data refers to any mental illness as defined by the DSM. This guidebook is rather comprehensive, categorizing everything from psychosis to phobias to depression. This data doesn't distinguish between levels of illness or ability to function. There are different data sets for serious mental illness.
Also, my claims have been centered on mental illness, not the ability to function. If you've read my posts, every woman I've encountered, with mental illness, has been very high functioning. They're well respected professionally and as mothers, don't boil rabbits, etc. To the rest of the world, they're perfectly normal (if there is such a thing), but to those who engage in a relationship with them, it's a completely different story. The causes I've seen have been wide ranging; something as seemingly basic as very low self-esteem will cause issues in a relationship.
So, I've taken some time to research and find relevant data. Ideally, I wanted to find what the likelihood of mental illness was in separated or divorced college educated women between the ages of 40 to 50. It should come as no surprise that no data exists (at least in the public realm) that provides that level of granularity. However, plenty of data exists to allow us to sort of back into a number. Some attributes will require either a guess or just to dismiss it. For example, there's not sufficient granularity available to make a calculation on mental illness by age. All of the data sets I've found have too wide a range (26-49) for this exercise. However, when viewing a graph of what sets I have found, it's clear that the incidence of mental health illnesses peaks in the thirties and forties.
Every study I've found indicates a rather sizable gap between the likelihood of mental illness in married people versus separated or divorced. It makes sense for that demographic to be the one with the highest incidence of mental illness as the logic becomes self-evident. A stable (even if not stellar) home life will prevent some mental illness from surfacing as well as mask existing issues. For example, a woman who's been married for two decades isn't likely to suffer from abandonment issues. Also, it would follow that mental illness may be the cause of some divorces, leaving the parties single. Certainly, this was the case with my ex-wife. Note the absence of opinion of whose mental illness was responsible.
Let's dig into the data and start off with some sort of baseline.
26% of adult population suffer with a diagnosable or serious mental illness (NIH)
Women are 50% more likely than men in general. (NIH)
That extrapolates to 31% of women impacted.
Throw in a 5% bump to ballpark an adjustment for women in their 40's and you ultimately reach a incidence of 33%.
However, this doesn't take marital status into consideration.
The only base data I could find, with respect to marital status was a source (Robins and Regier, 1991, p. 334) that says 44% divorced or separated have mental illness versus 24% for married people. In that case, if we adjust for gender, we reach a number of 66% of all separated/divorced women being impacted. I didn't adjust for age in this case.
If we stick with the 31% baseline number, from the first scenario, and apply another data set I've found (Marital Status and Psychiatric Disorders, Journal of Health and Social Behavior, June 1992), the impact is even worse. According to this study, separated/divorced women are 2.59 times more likely than married women. Now, you're at 80% on the very low side. I don't necessarily buy into the magnitude of that particular data as the sample size isn't as large as I'd like it to be.
Regardless of which data you use, it supports my assertion that in my target demographic, you are more likely to find yourself dating someone with mental illness than not.
Also, I'll add for the record, that those numbers are in line with what I've observed from my own dating experience. One thing that certain readers should keep in mind is that one doesn't typically experience a strong reaction or rave about a mediocre meal. It's the amazingly good and extremely bad ones that people talk about.
This post is not intended to be the definitive work on incidence of mental illness within a specified demographic. Some of the data I was forced to use had some age on it, but it was the best I could find to reach any level of granularity. Again, this is why I'm not claiming this to be accurate to within tenths of a percent.
This post was to consider whether those who've claimed I seek out certain types of women and there's no way my claim that 70% (which was an unconsidered ballpark) of single women in their 40's having mental illness could be right. Based upon the data, it seems I'm in the ballpark.
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Confessions of a Former Womanizer
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Posted:Feb 2, 2017 6:32 pm
Last Updated:Jun 5, 2018 7:50 pm
14611 Views
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Yes, I just admitted to having been a womanizer at one point in my life and opened myself up to the scorn of my female readers.
If you’ve read my previous posts, I like to remain as close to bulletproof as possible. So, why the hell would I expose myself in this way? I read a blog post, earlier today, written by a woman who had a man romance her, then sleep with her, and then bolt. She was genuinely confused and hurt over what took place. I wanted to share why men act in this manner, from the perspective of someone who knows exactly what goes on in the jerk’s mind. To reinforce what many women already know (but still get bruised), which is – When a guy bolts like this, it almost never is the result of shortcomings he sees in you, rather it’s driven by those he sees in himself. Also, I wrote it so that other men will recognize their own challenges and take action to break their cycle.
What follows are my own personal experiences and rather raw admissions, as well as some of what I found, when I did some research a few years ago. I’m not a trained mental health professional; this post is not intended to diagnose, treat, blah blah blah.
This post is not meant to excuse the behavior. I know I hurt a number of women and for that, I’m ashamed.
There was a period of time, after I separated from my wife, where I slept with a large number of women. It was the same pattern over and over. Seduce them, sleep with them once or maybe twice, and then bail, often leaving them hurt. Yep, that’s what a womanizer does. And you’re probably thinking I was reveling in boosting my body count and feeling like a stud. The truth is it left me ashamed, feeling cheap and dirty. I can’t speak for all men, but if you’re somewhat skilled at luring a woman into your bed, at some point, you don’t care about augmenting your body count. I know I didn’t. I didn’t want to sleep with a bunch of random women, then leave them. What I wanted was to have a genuine loving relationship. Doesn’t make much sense, does it.
Some background for you, before I go any further. Those who’ve read my other posts know I was married to a woman with borderline personality disorder. If you’re not familiar with the condition, take a moment to look it up or read about my experience. Go ahead; I’ll wait. The short version, for those who want info in one place, is that borderlines will manipulate you, lie to you, gaslight you, exploit your vulnerabilities, and generally make you feel worthless. Yeah, it sucked and left me with a completely demolished sense of self-esteem and an unhealthy fear of intimacy. Again, feel free to read about that one; but I haven’t really admitted to it here, so you’ll have to look elsewhere for source material.
When I left her and got back into the dating world, it was scary as hell. My marriage taught me that being vulnerable to someone was to be avoided at all costs. Vulnerability=Pain=Bad Yet, I knew that a genuine, solid relationship requires vulnerability to your partner. The result was this insane tug of war inside my head, which was depressing on a high order. I ultimately became an alligator and one of the whackjobs I harp on.
So, what the fuck was going through my head that would cause me to bolt? There were a few different yet common themes that popped into my head, depending on the situation. But they all centered on a common theme that shouldn’t surprise anyone.
The most common one was ‘she’s going to figure out how much of a loser I am; I’d better run before she does and hurts me.’
‘How am I going to follow this up?’ – It’s easy to capture someone’s attention and entice them toward you. As bad as this sounds, it tends to be a formula. Share this story, flirt this way, show how you’re confident with this anecdote, that you’re warm and caring with another, flirt some more. But, no surprise, you lead with your best material, then panic because you think you don’t have anything left to hold her attention, once you’ve captured it. Of course, that’s bullshit, because women want you to be yourself and not put on a show, once they’ve decided to ‘let you in’. But don’t try to convince your subconscious of that.
The Maverick / ‘No, it’s no good.’ – The movie, Top Gun, is full of valuable life lessons. In this case, if you remember when Maverick got back in the air, after killing Goose, he lost his nerve and would disengage, saying ‘No, it’s no good’. I did the same thing, but my rationale for disengaging was built upon as many reasons I could concoct to convince myself a relationship wouldn’t work with this particular woman.
What I was not thinking was how I’m going to sleep with as many women as I can and who cares if I hurt them. Again, I’m not trying to excuse the behavior, but I’d be willing to bet that 99% of the guys who act like jerks aren’t making a conscious decision to do so.
I’ve read that those with similar issues to what I suffered crave the thrill of the chase more than men without issues. Then they lose interest once the challenge has gone away. I don’t know if I buy into that. After all, what red blooded male doesn’t enjoy the chase? That heady feeling of pursuing a lovely lady and savoring making her yours. That’s great stuff for anyone. Those who suffer with intimacy and/or abandonment issues enjoy a larger number of chases, only because they’re compelled to run away, once the shit gets real. You wind up repeating the cycle more frequently than a well-grounded male. But to say they enjoy it more doesn’t ring true. Perhaps, it becomes a sort of soothing factor to them in the same way being in a relationship sooths men who can have one. I’ll let someone with the proper training weigh in on that.
I’m happy and not embarrassed to say I’ve broken my own cycle of behavior. Therapy helped, but recognizing I had an issue and being mindful about allowing those toxic thoughts into my head has paid dividends. Since then, I’ve had one incredible relationship and a few other fulfilling ones. But most importantly, I’ve not slept with, then bolted on a single woman.
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Whack Jobs, Nut Cases...When Do They Earn The Title?
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Posted:Jan 31, 2017 6:46 pm
Last Updated:Jun 9, 2017 3:49 pm
12448 Views
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I’ll freely admit this post is mostly an off the cuff rant, although regular readers of my blog know that my rants aren’t typical of most rants. Those who’ve read my blog also know that I’m nothing if not understanding of those with mental health challenges. That I have a way too much experience in relationships with those suffering from various issues. But I have to admit my level of understanding is diminishing. Some of that can be attributed encountering some really broken women and the rest, I’ll freely admit, comes from having my ass kicked by a few. More than one of the latter, as I’d discovered later, had a pattern of this sort of behavior. Kindness has left the building for the evening.
We know those with abandonment and/or intimacy issues, and definitely borderline personality disorder, tend to have their brain wired in such a way that it rationalizes their non-healthy behavior.
So, the question (and central part of my rant) is when does the empirical evidence become so overwhelming that you can’t ignore you’ve got some serious fucking issues? (I’d ask a mental health professional, if I still had one on retainer or as an fwb.) At what point do we hold those accountable for the destruction they repeatedly cause in the lives of others? Seriously, you can only rationalize so much before something has to make an impression and send up alarm bells.
If you’re in the midst of your third divorce and you’ve fractured your relationships with your siblings because they can’t deal with your lying, how do you say ‘yep, everything’s great’?
If you’re so ashamed about wanting sex, that you resort to displacement and insist that you role play daddy and princess, instead of using your names, don’t you think their might be a problem? And when you literally run from his house in terror because he actually wants to have sex with you and not just his princess, how do you not recognize your behavior isn’t even in the same ballpark with normal?
(Yes, I’ve lived all of these and more.)
When someone you respect and care for has told pointed out your issues and you agree that you might have some cause for concern. When you can’t bear to be alone, yet live in constant fear that those you care for will abandon you?
More importantly, how can you be so self-centered as to continue with the same behavior, inflicting pain and suffering on every person who comes to care for you? Instead of reaching out to an appropriate mental health professional and addressing your issues? To take some fucking responsibility for your actions?
At what point does the world around you earn the right to bestow upon you the title of fucking whack job and abandon you the way you just knew it would?
Yes, that was harsh, but it’s time people start to accept ownership of their actions.
As with all of these posts, I don't doubt there are men who deserve the title. But as I've noted before, I don't date men, so I've got no experience to draw upon.
Now, get off my lawn, ya whack jobs…
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Why Dating In Your 40's, Well...Sucks
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Posted:Jan 23, 2017 4:24 pm
Last Updated:Aug 24, 2019 11:46 am
9971 Views
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Finding the right person in your forties sucks. There, I said it and if you’re single and in your forties, you already know it to be true. But, being a student of human nature and a guy who likes to analyze things to death, I’ve done my best to get to some of the underlying issues of why it sucks. Admittedly, my viewpoint will be colored by my sex (yep, I’m a guy), but I’m confident much of my babbling will be relateable to the fairer sex as well.
Also, in order to properly convey the points I need to make, I will be referring to descriptors that might be mistaken for value statements (i.e. economic status). However, they aren’t, so leave your prejudices at the door.
For those with a short attention span, dating in your forties sucks because we’re more restrictive, in terms of attributes we find acceptable in a potential partner, and the dating pool sucks.
As most of us single folks utilize the internet for meeting new potential partners, I’ll use this as a context for my article. This is where we’ll begin. On a good day, internet dating can be an amazing tool to meet other singles in your area. It can also represent a never ending shit show that can leave you feeling frustrated and unwanted.
On the positive side, internet dating brings together potentially compatible singles who wouldn’t likely meet otherwise. Just plug in your criteria and go from there; you can narrow down your potential matches by almost any criteria you can imagine. In my case, I searched for women who are Asian, taller than 6’, with red hair, possess a Master’s degree, and speak Flemish.
On the negative side, if you’re not of stout self-image, it’ll (further) erode your self-esteem like a typhoon on a tropical beach. You will send very nice notes to members of the opposite sex (or same sex) and receive no response. Or they’ll engage, then disappear; this can be after one email, one date, or one sexual encounter. In other words, rejection becomes a daily routine.
Why do people not respond or disappear? First, there could be a legitimate reason, such as you don’t meet their criteria. Experience has taught me that women who are separated, regardless of circumstances, are almost guaranteed to have latent emotional issues to contend with, from their failed marriage. Aside from logic, whether it be March, Plenty of Fascists, OKFC, or any of the other myriad of dating sites, you’ve got to make an impression that’s compelling very quickly. Regardless of sex, you’re immediately judged by whether the viewer finds you attractive via your photos. We know men are visually stimulated, but it surprised me to learn that women based much of their initial interest on a quick look at a guy’s pictures.
And if you’re not an Adonis or Christy Turlington, making that impression becomes more of a challenge. Users have a ‘cafeteria’ with oh so many choices to choose from, all of whom are single (the ones who aren’t lying) and want to meet someone. If they’re all single, I should be able to have whichever I want, right? After all, with all these amazingly hot chicks/guys, I should be able to have one. Yep, unrealistic expectations abound, on the net. I’ll pick on the fairer sex because, being straight and all, I only have experience with women’s profiles. I’ve read more than one profile of a rather unattractive, borderline obese woman, with three , specify that she’s only attracted to tall, handsome, fit men. That’s great, because no other women want that. Listen, just because this bunch of guys, with rock hard abs and a killer smile, are on the same dating site as you doesn’t make you any closer to their league.
If you’re halfway attractive and can put two sentences together, there will be quite a number of parties interested in meeting you. This can be exciting and a great ego boost, but it’s oh so easy to get caught up in an ‘all you can eat’ mentality. There are all these people who want me, I must meet them all so I can choose the absolute best one for me! I’ve chatted with women who’ve admitted, yes, I have dates on Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday, but I’d still like to meet you. Yeah, I’ll pass. Pick one or two and leave the others for another day. You can narrow those five guys down, can’t you?
So, now that I’ve got my list of tall, Asian, redheads, I must go about narrowing it down to the women, with whom I believe I’m most compatible. Except it isn’t quite so simple. The great thing about finding a partner when you’re younger (and making it work) is that you could be quite different from one another and still succeed as a couple. Most of your lives are in front of you and you grow together. This changes dramatically, as we age.
By now, you’ve grown into a person who knows (or damned well should) who they are, what they stand for, and they fit in the world. You have a job that likely defines you more than you’d care to admit. Short of winning the lottery, you’ve pretty much settled into the socioeconomic group in which you’ll spend the remainder of your life. Again, that defines you more than we’d like to admit. You’ve either continued to expand your mind or decided there’s no need. You have or you don’t. Perhaps you still want . You eat what you eat. Your views on politics and religion are pretty solid. Your personal habits have been set and you’ll be damned if someone won’t let you watch TV in bed.
For better or for worse, you’re about finished with any radical changes to all of these aspects of your life.
As our lives have become more focused, so does our criteria for a partner. In most cases, this is a good thing. Shared experiences are pretty important when determining whether we might be compatible with someone. Just to throw out a few random items from my own personal journey. Twenty years ago, I’d never been out of the country so finding someone who had experienced (or wanted to experience) the world outside the US held zero importance. Now, having traveled the world several times over for both business and pleasure, I can’t imagine being with someone whose interest stopped at the border. Would we take separate vacations? I enjoy cooking and eating ‘gourmet’ meals. Would it make sense to try to date a woman who thought Ruby Tuesday was fine dining? These are examples of how my dating criteria have become more focused and yes, more restrictive, as the result of personal experience.
At what point does even healthy narrowing of criteria become too restrictive? I would offer that most of us don’t know what we really need to be happy, otherwise, we’d be happily involved with a fantastic partner. How many of us are searching for our ideal, instead of someone who’ll be an amazing friend and lover? Are we unwilling to settle for what we need in order to get what we want? Does what we want really exist? Again, the internet can be awesome, because you can learn a great deal about a person from their profile. But how much knowledge is too much and are we doing the wrong things with it? For the sake of brevity, I’ll recall a recent stroll through the land of dating profiles. One of the tall, redheaded Asian women listed her favorite movies, as suggested by the dating site. They were mostly what I consider to be dumb comedies (Will Farrell), and I caught myself thinking nope, she won’t work because she has crap taste in movies. Then, I thought you’re going to discount what appears to be an attractive, well adjusted, and intelligent woman solely because of her taste in movies? That’s beyond stupid! But this is a risk we take that can do more harm than good.
Speaking of harm, we can sometimes allow our previous experiences to impact our criteria in a less than healthy manner. For example, I dated a woman who had this litany of inconsequential and random traits that a prospective partner must not possess. As we talked, it became clear that the criteria represented a list of little things she didn’t like about her ex-husband. She allowed her baggage to impact her in a less than healthy manner. It’s like saying my ex liked to golf and he cheated on me, so if you golf, that means I can never trust you.
Now that I’ve narrowed down the field and have a list of tall, redheaded Asian women, who speak Flemish AND enjoy the same movies as me, I reach the final, and most difficult challenge of dating. Which ones are actually able to have a relationship?
I used to bemoan that I seemed to attract all the ‘crazies’, until I realized that 80% of the singles population were broken, in some manner or another. Listen, by the time you’re in your mid-forties, you’ve been beaten around emotionally. Your marriage has failed, your spouse left you, abused you, cheated, and so on. There could be longstanding issues that had their genesis in childhood when a parent died, was absent, or worse. All of these things add up and can manifest themselves in various ways. Abandonment issues and fear of intimacy are the two most frequent traits I’ve found in women my age. The common thread seems to be diminished (or destroyed) self-esteem. Depending on the severity, these can be absolute nightmares, for both parties, in trying to establish a healthy relationship.
Those who suffer from these conditions tend to feel unworthy of being loved, and live in fear that their potential partner will discover just how undeserving they are. In the case of abandonment issues, the will often behave in a manner that will ensure the departure of their new love interest, making He’ll leave me a self-fulfilling prophecy. This has happened to me a few times. In general, they either avoid being vulnerable (and subsequently being hurt again) or jump into relationships incredibly quickly, in the hopes the other party will feel the same emotional bond. Even once in a relationship, their self-worth doesn’t improve. Therefore, they may be very jealous of their partner and repeatedly accuse them of cheating. Even with sound logic and effective visual aids, you will not successfully be able to reason with these people.
Almost every woman I’ve dated in the past year has suffered from abandonment or intimacy issues, mostly as a result of self-esteem that’s taken a beating at the hands of their former spouses. It’s a horrible shame; I’ve seen smart, desirable, kind women who think they’re worth nothing to a partner. On the flip side, they’re rock stars in their careers. In one case, she agreed to an exclusive relationship but accepted that I’d sleep with other women. I imagine men suffer just as much as women. I’ll admit to dealing with fear of intimacy in the past, myself.
These are genuine life traumas we need to face and deal with but most of us lack the self-awareness to realize our feelings, and resulting behavior, aren’t normal or healthy. The bottom line is that we won’t fix these issues on our own and they won’t just go away. If you suspect you may be suffering through one of these conditions, please get help. If not for yourself, but for those who you’ll continue to hurt, if you don’t.
Oh, and the mental health challenges can be so much worse. I was married to a woman with borderline personality disorder, whose constant emotional abuse caused my fear of intimacy. I’ve dated a bi polar and a closet alcoholic as well. Then, you’ve got your sociopaths, narcissists, and the list goes on. When I was young and naïve, if questioned, I would have been sure anyone that out of touch would have been diagnosed or at least recognize it in their own behavior. Nope, they’re walking among us, folks, and want to be our dates.
Some blunt words of advice to those who are separated: Don’t try to find a relationship until you’re divorced. If you haven’t finished the divorce process, you’ve not completely dealt with all of the shit I mentioned above. I’ve not met one separated woman who’s even begun to address the trauma from her marriage. I know you want to prove you’re a good partner, worthy of being loved, but all you’ll prove is you’re a mess. I’ll spare my readers the gory details, but suffice to say I’ve been proven correct every time I’ve dated someone not divorced. Just don’t do it; if not for yourself, but for the people who you’ll cause pain when you flake out (and you will flake).
In short, we forty something singles are a mass of emotionally wounded people, many of whom shouldn’t even attempt a relationship in our current emotional state.
If you weren’t disheartened before, I’m quite certain you are now, after reading the facts. Rather than leaving you wanting to jump off a cliff, I’ll end with a bit of humor.
As I’ve done the whole dating thing, I’ve discovered certain recurring themes within women’s profiles; there are certain demographics that appear somewhat regularly, in my dating pool. I’m sure the ladies see similar buckets for guys but I obviously wouldn’t know much about that. So feel free to share your own. Anyway, my favorite categories are:
Crazy Cat Lady in Training – She has as many photos of her cats on her dating profile as she does of herself and they are referred to as her babies (because she usually doesn’t have ). Her cats (or dogs) are shown dressed for Halloween and various other holidays. Yes, these women exist even in their early forties!
The Max Density Lifer – These women are type A, typically with no , who have developed interests and hobbies to fill the time and emotional void of being single and childless. These hobbies have become obsessions and occupy a great deal of these people’s time. Some are super athletes who run, mountain bike, road bike, or compete in (and train incessantly for) triathlons, etc. Other time filling interests include horses, boating, and volunteering. Don’t get me wrong; being in excellent health and engaging in activities that benefit the community can be great things. But many of these people are undateable. First, they really don’t have time to date because they’re training for this or that. Plus, they tend to severely limit their dating pool, particularly in the case of the super athletes. Because their obsession has become an integral part of their lives, dating someone who doesn’t share that enthusiasm is destined to fail.
Out of Work Trophy Wives – This group is my favorite. These women are usually quite striking, even if their looks have faded a bit with age. While I don’t take pleasure in anyone’s pain, it’s clear they’ve been traded in on a younger model and are a bit lost. Their jobs, if they have one outside the house, tend to be of the dabbling type, yet they manage lavish vacations in Paris or Aspen, if they post photos from this decade. So little doubt the lion’s share of their income stems from the great alimony package they’ve received from their rich ex-husband. Unless you’re wealthy and don’t want a younger model, it’s best to steer clear of these women. Without the rich husband and lavish lifestyle that came to define them, these women don’t really know who they are. Most still long for that lavish lifestyle, so they’re seeking another wealthy partner (or they’re on seeking arrangements, looking for a sugar daddy). They often suffer from low self-esteem, due to emotional neglect from their prior spouse (while he was amassing his fortune). Regardless, they’re a gorgeous train wreck to avoid.
The Trump Supporter – Nothing more to be said on this one.
The Asexual – This woman hasn’t had a sex drive since the 80’s, when her hormones were running amok. Since then, she’s developed an unhealthy aversion toward intimacy. She’s invariably uninteresting and not playful.
Okay, maybe that was humorous if you didn’t fall into one of those categories, but such is life.
Happy Dating, Friends!
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Love - It's a Verb, Dammit
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Posted:Jan 15, 2017 7:31 pm
Last Updated:Jun 9, 2017 3:51 pm
8861 Views
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Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about love. We all want to love and be loved; anyone who claims they don’t is lying. Those three little words can so intoxicating to hear from someone you think hung the moon. But, do we really understand what it means to love someone? To me, it involves so much more than emotion. To me, love is a verb.
Emotion is the feeling that forms for those we feel very strongly about. It’s sort of the ‘secret sauce’ of a relationship and something that I’m not so arrogant to think I can tackle explaining. You can read one of the myriad of studies on the topic, should you wish to delve deeper into that particular facet.
Blah, blah, blah…tell me something I don’t know.
Okay, how about this? Love cannot be love without commitment, a conscious decision to consider the other person’s happiness and well-being as a priority in your actions. The highest and most explicit form of this commitment would be marriage vows.
Alongside commitment, comes sacrifice, because in order to place that priority on the other person’s well-being, it often requires you to give something up. You don’t buy the Porsche so your wife will have the funds for grad school. You sacrifice willingly and happily for the other person.
The two components of emotional bond (e) and commitment (c) must total up to some value, which I won’t attempt to quantify here, in order for true love to exist. However, both must be present. This basic structure applies to all forms of love; romantic, familial, love of friends, etc. The ratios will fluctuate accordingly, depending upon the type of love.
I’m sure we all know a couple who’s been together forever and their entire lives revolve around each other. Huge e and c. What about some other examples? A mother loves her newborn baby more than life itself, but beyond the whole imprinting and chemical stuff, how much emotion could she really feel for a screaming, poop machine that won’t let her sleep? Yet, she loves that baby because of an unbreakable commitment to its well-being.
On the flip side, we have way too many members of our society who allow their emotions to run amuck, fall for every person they sleep with, and call it love. But when loving that person becomes work and requires effort, they’re not quite as in love as they thought. The emotion may have been there, but the commitment was non-existent. And that’s one of the reasons our divorce rate is so damned high.
Fortunately, I’ve only experienced this with one woman I loved. She was all in for the lavish dinners, vacations, gifts, and attention heaped upon her. But, when our relationship required work (in this case, honest communication), she ran for the exit.
I’ve dated enough women to have heard every rationale known to man for their previous marriage ending. I can completely buy infidelity as a valid reason to walk away. Abuse, a no brainer. A marriage isn’t much good if one of the partners doesn’t honor their commitment to the other. But, there have been a few who have told me ‘I fell out of love with him’, to which I always ask how that occurred. Didn’t you try to work to save the marriage? It’s caused a few less than pleasant moments when I’ve followed up with ‘what happens when our fairy tale ends? Would you fall out of love with me too? Should I just sign over half of my assets now?’ And, that tends to be my cue to exit.
So, I end by asking my readers a question. Do you know how to love?
Now, get off my lawn…
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I Smell Like a and Love It
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Posted:Oct 25, 2016 12:35 pm
Last Updated:Oct 26, 2016 2:38 pm
10785 Views
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I’m a serious lover, but this is the first time in my life I’ve not owned one. My travel schedule makes having a furry companion unrealistic. I just couldn’t board a that frequently, particularly since my choice would be a large one. Were that not the case, I’d have dognapped my border collie from my ex-wife by now. As border collies tend to be, she’s wicked smart and incredibly loyal. When we rescued her, I decided I would learn how to train her and began reading about clicker training. At the time my marriage ended, she knew over a dozen hand signals, three times as many voice commands, and I swear she could read my mind, sometimes.
When I left the marriage and moved to Richmond, I found myself with two needs. The first was to find a way to make the world a better place. As a result of being married to a borderline (see previous blogs), I’d become a bitter and selfish, and wasn’t happy with the man that stared back at me in the mirror. That needed to change. The second need I had was a way to get a fix without owning one. The solution seemed simple, so I began researching local rescue organizations. The Richmond SPCA has trainers on staff as well as a team of volunteers educated on behavior modification, so I began volunteering there. Understandably, I had to put in some sweat equity before they’d let me actually train dogs, so my first volunteer job was as a walker. Having developed knowledge of canine behavior modification, it didn’t take long to be selected for the team and additional training. We focus on both training techniques as well as reading canine body language. You might be surprised at all the things a can tell you, if you know how to listen.
Our projects cover the gamut and really depend on what dogs have needs. Today, I worked with three dogs. The first was recovering from surgery. He needed to get some exercise, but not too much; work the leg but don’t damage it. It’s a bit much to ask normal volunteers to understand where that sweet spot lies, so our team takes over. Plus, he flat out needed some quality time not in his kennel. The second had not been socialized and needed to learn to be a dog. She also really needs to learn to take treats without ripping my fingers off. The third was aggressive, so we worked on focus (gaining it back when she sees another dog) as well as a few other things. We’ll also work with dogs who are stressed in the shelter environment; really, they all are but some are much worse than others. If a has a bad habit, that might prevent them from being adopted, we’ll work on that. My first project was this massive pit bull who got so excited when you came to visit that he’d knock you right over. I taught him that he would lose the thing he wanted most (me) if he jumped. He learned manners and got adopted within a week. We really do run the gamut of what we tackle. Regardless, our goal is to give each the best opportunity at being adopted.
We tend not to get involved with the adoption process, itself, although I’ve had project dogs who were quite special to me. For those, I’ve been known to work families over, if I feel they’ll take care of my baby. That’s the odd thing about this sort of work. It can be easy to get attached to the occasional project dog, because you spend so much time with it. So, when they get adopted, you’re torn between sadness over losing your friend and joy because they’re part of a family, who’ll love them constantly and not just for a dozen hours each week.
Aside from raising my stepchildren to be productive adults, the work I do at the shelter is the most rewarding thing I’ve done in my life. Knowing I’m helping dogs find forever homes with families who love them makes it all worthwhile. Plus, I get my fix and get drooled on to my heart’s desire. I’m exhausted and smell like dog, but I can’t think of a better way to spend an afternoon.
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Abandonment Issues - An Update and a Twist
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Posted:Oct 24, 2016 3:01 pm
Last Updated:Oct 25, 2016 8:19 pm
8232 Views
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After the pounding I took last week, I’ll be honest and say this past weekend was pretty much shit, mostly spent wallowing in self-pity. I invited my blowjob rule exception friend over for some pie and dirty sex but found my sex drive in the toilet. Which is rather unusual because she and I always have rockin’ sex; never disappointing.
I had already reached via phone and email out to the woman mentioned in my previous post (#2 with abandonment issues) to no effect (and no response). Having accumulated a fair amount of experience with those possessing abandonment issues, I wrapped up the ‘do you realize what you’re doing and that you’re not making sense’ arguments in my head very quickly. While I was still pissed and depressed, I was moving on. In fact, I woke up in a surprisingly good mood today.
However, I couldn’t walk away from her without one final college try, even though they’ve never been successful in the past. So, a carefully crafted email was sent just before lunchtime today.
Again, having amassed a fair amount of experience with AI, I knew that note would fall on deaf ears. Within ten minutes of sending the note, I was proven wrong! She was miffed about my calling her on her AI and concerned about other things that were non-issues, used as fodder to push me away, but there was dialogue. I sat there, figuratively nodding my head, and asked the one question that mattered, ‘do you want to see me again?’ Yes, and we are tomorrow night.
I fully realize I’m signing up for more mixed messages and being pushed away. I know how I feel, when I’m with her, and that she feels the same. I’ll just have to weather her being chilly, when we’re not together, knowing that she’s protecting herself, and work like hell to gain her trust.
So, the question I know you’re asking yourself is whether she’s worth the aggravation. Honestly, that remains to be seen, because we haven’t known each other that long. But she’s head and shoulders above anyone else I’ve dated, with respect to the connection we share. Plus, she ticks all the boxes on my 'desired partner checklist'. So, I’m willing to suffer a few minor bruises for the chance at something that could be off the charts great.
Time will tell, I guess. Wish me a bit of luck, boys and girls.
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Abandonment Issues – I Knew You'd Leave Me
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Posted:Oct 22, 2016 6:47 am
Last Updated:Mar 15, 2017 6:12 am
9028 Views
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Dating in your 40’s. I’ve hit the point where I consider a root canal, followed by forced viewing of every Donald Trump speech to be preferable. I’m literally exhausted by the process and becoming more disheartened by the day. My fugue of futility comes from a realization I had a few weeks ago. I used to bemoan that I wound up dating all the loons. I did this quietly, because falling for loons says as much about you as it does the loons. However, it’s become clear to me that the reason I wind up dating so many broken women is because 90% of all women are broken. (It follows that 90% of single men in their 40’s are broken, but because I don’t date them, I have no firsthand knowledge.)
Today’s installment of depression is brought to you by abandonment issues. Can you say abandonment issues, boys and girls? Sure, I knew you could.
You see, the last two women I found myself absolutely smitten by were also affected by abandonment issues. Unlike some other mental health issues, such as my personal fav borderline personality disorder, abandonment issues don’t always ‘suck you in’ on their own. In fact, I’ve become quite adept at recognizing when I’m being sucked in and go through sort of a mental checklist with each woman I meet. Does she only want to talk about me? Has she not shared anything about her past? Am I being positioned as the man who will save her from her horrible life? For the record, ‘yes’ to any of these questions is not a good thing. In many cases, abandonment issues won’t trip the typical alarms up front, which makes them that much more painful when they do show up.
I’ll skip how abandonment issues tend to develop, because you’ve got the internet, and go straight to how they suck, at least for me. Abandonment issues (A I ) are essentially the fear of being abandoned. While it may seem counter intuitive, those with AI will often push those they’ve come to care about away. It becomes a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy. When they successfully push, they can scream (to themselves) ‘see, I told you he’d leave me!’ AI can cause other issues in relationships, but unlike some other mental health issues, they aren’t usually as terminal to that relationship. It’s that pushing away that has killed two potentially special relationships for me in the past two months because I’ve fallen for the trap.
Worth noting is that in my 40’s, I can count the number of truly special connections I’ve had on one hand. Even my now-ex-wife didn’t fall into that category. Chalk some of that up to my own fear of intimacy (which I skipped blogging about). But nonetheless, it’s an incredibly rare occurrence for me. Therefore, when one goes to hell in a handbasket, it tends to leave a mark. What’s strange is two of those have happened in the past three months.
Late summer, I met someone who ticked every one of my boxes and it felt as though the heavens opened up. She was the only woman I’ve ever met who I could see spending the rest of my life with. Having not known her that long, whether I wanted to remained to be seen. She seemed to share my feelings and the time we spent together was positively bliss. Then came the pushing away. As I was scared to death over beginning to fall for someone at all, I panicked, fell into her trap, and abandoned her. After a few days, I began to recognize her abandonment issues (I’ve seen them before and diagnosed women before their therapists have) and tried to work things out with her. But another fun part of AI is that once you’re labelled as a flight risk, you’ll never be allowed back into her heart. So, I was fucked and left beating my head against the wall.
The most recent instance was just this morning. Similar to the above except not quite as intense; but incredibly special nonetheless. Just as before, I fell into her trap of pushing me away. What makes me want to kick myself repeatedly is that I recognized her AI before and as she pushed me away. You see, her MO of communication was identical to the woman above and there were clues within that pattern. For example, despite the euphoria shared when together, communication is all but absent in between dates. No, neither was screwing someone else; each had other commitments that absolutely precluded that. See above comment about being pushed away. I knew what was happening and resolved I wouldn’t fall into her trap. Unfortunately, this one threw in an extra push that caused me to give in and abandon her. Mother fucker… While it doesn’t make the situation smart any less, at I’ve learned to not even bother trying to work things out. So, this time, I’ve gone straight to head banging and muttering softly to myself.
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I May Have a Problem - Baking
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Posted:Oct 15, 2016 8:14 am
Last Updated:Oct 22, 2016 6:43 am
7909 Views
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Cooking is a hobby of mine and brings joy in a number of ways. Because this is a sex site, I'll throw this out - Guys, women love a man who can really cook. Find a signature dish (other than a grilled cheese) and perfect not only the outcome but also the process. Mine is usually some sort of prime steak along with homemade fettuccine alfredo; both pasta and sauce from scratch. Having gotten lots of practice making pasta (love the stuff!), I've reached a point where I can knock out the noodles in front of my date and still carry on a conversation. Every lovely lady I've done this for has been rather impressed and shown her appreciation in various enjoyable ways.
Anyway, back to my problem. When cooking, I tend to gravitate toward dishes I really enjoy but are difficult to get locally. Lately, this has included one of my favorite meals - dessert.
Until recently, I had it in my mind that cream pies were a pain. I'd made them in the past but always forgot how easy they were. Well, it's solidified in my brain that they're easy as well, pie.
A few weeks ago, I really needed to have a good carrot cake, so I made one.
Last week, I was really in the mood for a good cheesecake. You guessed it... I even made shortbread from scratch (not that there's really any other way) for the crust.
So, yes, I think I've got a problem. A yummy one!
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To link to this blog (New2Midlo) use [blog New2Midlo] in your messages.
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