I Moustache you a Question
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Posted:Apr 15, 2015 1:34 pm
Last Updated:Dec 23, 2018 6:32 pm
8046 Views
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Forgive me, but I moustache you a question.
There’s head hair, facial hair, body hair and yes.....pubic hair though rarely encountered anymore. Which leads me to the question, how much is too much and is it like the first three (3) rules of real estate – location, location, location?
I fully acknowledge everyone has their own preference when it comes to this sort of thing but those who follow this blog know I like to quantify or at least try. In order to facilitate this informal gathering of empirical data, I’ll start with my own personal manscaping routine starting from the top down.
I typically don’t think a lot about my hair – I keep it clean and when prompted, either by friends or the reminder coupon from the local hair shop I frequent, I’ll have it cut. Invariably the same cut – part down the middle and feather it out, short in the back; can anyone say “hello 80’s”. However, it is becoming more evident by the day this will have to change within the next few years as more of my head hair migrates toward the back of my neck. I should mention, recently ear hair is becoming more of an issue at an ever increasing rate. Thank you electric trimmer attachments!
As far as facial hair goes, I follow the seasons – shave during the hotter months and sport a full beard & moustache, neatly trimmed, during the cooler ones. Past lovers are of mixed opinion. I've found some with ticklish inner thighs and others who pray for an early spring. I don’t foresee a time I’ll ever a goatee or van dyke for two (2) reasons: First, too much maintenance and secondly, it occurs to me it maybe emulating something only you ladies have. What are your preferences – facial hair or not? My preference is no facial hair on the women I date.
Further down my sublime figure;  ladies my chest is up here,  I monitor the length and tame the strays but I do not shave – way too much maintenance. Life is too short, I’m not that vain/narcissistic and no, contrary to popular belief, puberty isn't a turnstile you can go through again and again no matter how many times you shave. Although my personal preference is no chest hair on the women I date either.
Speaking of, further down you will find a well maintained playground with the lawn closely mowed and bare spots for maximum enjoyment - personal viewings by request only. Personally, I’d rather not find myself deep in the Amazonian jungle having to gnaw my way out or in a 70’s era porn movie, so I keep myself accordingly. No cutesy symbols, characters or scrap metal will be found. I’m not there to read or comb the area with a metal detector and I don’t require road signs to find my way – I know what I’m looking for and she’ll let me know when I find it.  I like well maintained with no distractions. However, with that said, I’m like most men when it comes to pussy, I don’t hate.....I appreciate.
So what are your preferences when it comes to hair – How much is too much and does it depend on location?
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The Sense of Attraction
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Posted:Mar 10, 2015 2:18 pm
Last Updated:Dec 23, 2018 6:36 pm
8163 Views
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The Sense(s) of Physical Attraction
***WARNING*** obligatory masturbation reference
Since I have my lotion delivered monthly (55 gallon drum size), I haven't run out. Though I have lost a few pounds and am finding it difficult to remain well hydrated.
This blogticle was inspired by common themes from other blog authors I follow - you know who I am 
Physical: Visual attraction typically starts the ball rolling but I'm including all physical aspects/senses in this section i.e. smell, feel, taste, oral - keep our minds above gutter level for the moment - and of course, the visual. Certain aspects can be changed easily enough - hair, nail, tanning salons, makeovers, plastic surgeons, fashion and exercise for the visual sense. Perfumes, colognes, soaps, shampoos, mouthwash...etc for the sense of smell and lotions for the feel of ones skin. Taste can be modified with products specifically made for the occasion or common products found at the local grocer. But only the oral aspect plays a significant role in the expression of the other two (2) aspects.
Without oral, the personality is much more difficult to honestly express or discern. I write this knowing full well this is a visual medium and a lot may be learned about a person through written word but due to the very nature of text, the final product is not one of spontaneity of interaction but more of a single sided measured expression composed in a comfortable environment. (The same could be said for sex nowadays ) Same applies to visual expression of ones personality through fashion, tattoos, piercings...etc. But listen for a moment to the voice you've ascribed to me while you’re reading this. Do you think I actually sound like that? Is my voice in the upper voice registry? lower? Is my voice soft and smooth or unusually loud, raspy, hoarse or maybe an exotic accent or a lisp. Text allows for these flights of fancy for the reader as well as a final, occasionally well thought out, expression of my personality. Bottom line: Text a.k.a. written word, has no inherent time limit and is largely a passive activity. Conversation (oral) however is by definition, interactive. I've found verbal jousting offers excellent insight into sexual compatibility. However, care must be taken because once spoken, it’s out and cannot be unheard. Lawyers use this to great effect in the courtroom even if it is edited out in the official court transcript.
Brains: Need to be careful here - we all have "moments of clarity" and "moments of mud". I'm of the belief everyone has something useful to contribute in any given situation. In fact, some of the happiest people I've ever met were sacking groceries at the local store - not too bright but extremely happy to be contributing. But without a certain level of intelligence equality, there won't be a connection, at least not for long. I don't want to bore my partner nor be bored by them while we wait for the next round.
Personality: Here is where the brains and physical come to together for expression of the total package; the wrapper if you will. Blending of the intelligence to compensate for the physical as much or little as necessary to become socially acceptable or not. i.e. - "has a great personality" or "not the sharpest knife in the drawer but with a body that won't quit" or "smart as a whip but doesn't have enough sense to come in out of the rain". Those phrases are society’s polite way of extolling the virtues in lieu of what’s perceived as flaws.
At the end of the day, as with most things, it depends on application - what you are looking for. Simple carnal pleasure - NSA? Physical will do, but don't talk, you'll ruin it.
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Why You Are Here
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Posted:May 16, 2014 2:23 pm
Last Updated:Dec 28, 2021 11:54 am
14876 Views
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You have been directed to this blogticle because an Local Adult Companion member has deemed your approach/behavior toward them needs some refinement before further contact is warranted. This is a good thing as it means they think you have potential. In order to get the most from this course, you must work through the exercises at the end of each section and submit your answers for review. Upon successful completion of this course, the member who submitted your profile name for admission to this highly sought after improvement program will be sent an official transcript and may contact you for re-admission.
The following topics are covered.
Week 1 – Introduction to the genus species – Homo Sapiens a.k.a. Humans
1. Activity - In which Kingdom - Phylum - Class - Order - Family - Genus - Species do you belong?
2. The two (2) basic sexes
3. The in-between sexes
4. Activity - To which sex do you belong?
Week 2 – Language Comprehension & Interpretation (Learning to Listen/Read)
1. Common Profile Phrases and Their Meaning - FWB, NSA...etc
2. A Photo is Worth 1000 Words - Just Not the Ones Your Thinking
3. Activity – How a Photo Relates to the Profile
4. The Three (3) Basic Responses (No, Yes and No Response)
a. Meaning of the word “No”
b. Meaning of the word “Yes”
c. Meaning of No Response – It doesn’t mean “No” it means I’m busy with someone else now, try again at a later date.
d. Review the Meaning of the word “No”
5. Activity – Deciphering Phrases Meaning “No”
Week 3 – Social Interaction – Etiquette in profiles, emails, and blog comments
1. Activity – Creating a Basic Profile based on Week 2 Knowledge
a. What photo do I use? – Cover your modesty until asked
b. Introduction Title – Catch Phrasing - Why “Have cock, will travel” doesn’t work
c. Description of Self – Keep it simple to avoid misunderstandings and misspellings.
d. Latest Status – Phrases to avoid (all phrases using or referring to your penis (i.e. cock, tallywhacker, trouser snake, monstro, ....etc
2. Activity - Blogs and leaving comments – Flirting using puns and double entendres. Keep it simple but not too simple (i.e. wanna fuck) – be creative and original – they will appreciate the thoughtfulness
3. Activity - Composing the First Email – Time is your friend, take as much time as necessary to provide an insightful look to who you are but try to keep some mystery (i.e. Not the time to reveal life’s dreams and goals or attach a pic of your cock or cat)
Week 4 – Advanced Social Interaction – Chat rooms and First meets – Putting it all on the line.
1. Entering a Chat Room – Well begun, half done – say hello to all not just the one you’re trolling for.
2. The Timing of a Chat Room – if you can’t think and type it quickly – let it go as the moment has passed.
3. Leaving the Chat Room – bbl, ttyl or time to make your perving rounds – the leave them wanting more principle.
4. Managing Expectations – “But they looked nothing like their profile pic”
a. Photo’s and photo editors – how small becomes big and big becomes small.
b. Activity – Choose a first meet location based on – Lighting, background, surrounding influence and perspective.
1. Lighting - If first choice is a dimly lit place, then keep the first meet under those conditions. Whatever you do, do not expose them to full daylight as the shock might be fatal.
2. Background – Loud music can work in your favor if you can’t find the words, they probably won’t hear you anyway. Just smile a lot and nod.
3. Surrounding Influence – Choose a place with an alcohol license. You may need the drink before to steady your nerves, during to numb the pain or after if it goes poorly. Although strip clubs meet these criteria (loud, dim & serve alcohol), probably not the best first choice for several other reasons.
4. Perspective – If you want to appear larger then choose a venue with small adults or – for example meet at the race tracks – jockeys or Peter Piper Pizza. Conversely if you wish to appear smaller try Basketball, Football or anything taking place in a large open arena.
Yes after this brief one (1) month course you could be back in action with a new found confidence and hopefully a much fuller appreciation of the person who sent you here.
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de Stalker
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Posted:Apr 23, 2014 12:21 pm
Last Updated:Dec 28, 2021 12:00 pm
15085 Views
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This blogticle was inspired by sweet_vm and her blogticle Letter to Mr StalkersWTF
LADIES: Do you ever find yourself politely rejecting prospective pursuers only to find the unwanted advances won’t stop? Do you suffer from “ban button” thumb? Have you ever banned a profile only to find the same mouth breathing moron has created a new profile from which to harass? If so, then listen up – Do we have a product for you.
ONS Inc. is proud to introduce the next product in our line of popular social interactive software
“de Stalker”
We here at ONS Inc. have read the alarming number of emails from targets of our earlier offering and recognize much like its predecessor, de Bergerac, and in no small part due to its success, there remains a need unfulfilled.
The “de Stalker” does for the virtual world what bad breath and body odor does in the physical. Yes, you’re familiar with products sold today to warrant against uninvited attention, such as the “hairy hose”* – worn by women in China using public transportation making their legs look like the hair brushes from petting zoos. The “de Stalker” works on the same basic principle, simply stated, “tainting of the supply”.
The “de Stalker” is simple and easy to use. Simply log in to Local Adult Companion, start the “de Stalker” application and select a minimum of three (3) unsolicited emails from the offender and then click the “sour the milk” icon.  amp; The “de Stalker” will ‘view’ the offenders profile and each email, systematically analyzing the responses for spelling, grammar, sentence structure, punctuation and content, extracting certain common key elements identified in restraining order and obsessive behavior cases alike. The algorithms incorporate primitive primate behavioral psychology along with data collected during electroshock aversion therapy from the nations’ most prestigious prisons and finest sanitariums from the 1950’s to compose an email or series of emails, after all we are talking about obsessive compulsive behavior, guaranteed** to drive off even the most persistent of pursuers.
The “de Stalker” email aversion series will determine the most effective approach to deter any future virtual contact by preying on the fears of your followers. It creates a ‘fear profile’ and selects the appropriate category of fear such as; physical maladies, emotional instability, possibility of violence, unusually strong attachments to family, unusual physical deformities....etc and creates an email response using such phrases as;
“The doctor said the rash and stinging sensation during urination will take weeks and a series of painful shots to alleviate......”
“I found a willing baby sitter for the five (5) youngest but the newborn will have to come with me.....”
“The scars from the ‘change’ operation, once healed, should be barely noticeable”
“even though my ex-boyfriend just got out of prison, I’m sure his jealously and violent tendencies are in the past....”
“my lawyer said not to worry about the weapons charges.....”
“so my mother and I will meet you......”
“on the way I’ll need to stop at the drug store and pickup my depends....”
“I mean what’s the big deal about a couple of extra toes anyway....”
These are just a few of the many possible phrases, each specifically designed and categorized to evoke only the ‘flight’ response from the centers of the brain in even the most ardent of attractees.
Here are just a few testimonials.
“....Thanks ONS Inc. for de Stalker, it only took one email and *poof*, no more stalking.” - Brittney in Maine
“....the de Stalker worked so well, I now use it to discourage contact from email advertisers and spammers alike. Well done ONS Inc.” – Heidi in New Hampshire
“....worked liked a de-charm everytime. Keep up the good work ONS Inc.” – Tina in Texas
“.....worked so well my priest will no longer listen to my confessions. Way to go ONS Inc.” – Julie in California
“....Unbelievable product, ONS Inc. you’ve outdone yourselves. I used the de Stalker to send an email to my Siamese twin and haven’t seen or heard from her since.” – No longer Delilah and Debra, now just Debra in Florida.
HURRY AND ORDER TODAY AND RECEIVE A FREE BOTTLE OF OUR FAMOUS “PEPE LA PEW” PERFUME FOR USE WHEN REAL WORLD SITUATIONS CAN”T WAIT FOR AN EMAIL, while supplies last.
*This is true – look it up
**Guarantee only valid for unadulterated email response and ONS Inc. is not legally liable for the results of using this product.
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What Would You Have Done?
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Posted:Jan 29, 2014 11:49 am
Last Updated:Dec 23, 2018 6:47 pm
16223 Views
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This blogticle is inspired from a blogticle posted by SandraD1000 – [post 3324129]
In my early twenties (20's), I lived in what was essentially a duplex, where one house had been split into two (2) living spaces. A good friend of mine, let’s call him John, lived next door. He was the older brother I wish I had at the time. He formed a relationship with a young woman; let’s call her Stephanie. The three (3) of us spent an inordinate amount of time together over the course of a couple of years. Eating together (dinners, lunches and breakfasts), playing cribbage, chess, backgammon, …etc, and going to pubs drinking, singing, smoking hand rolled cigars, ….you get the picture. For those readers (BTW – thank you), over the age of forty (40), you know what I’m talking about and for those of you still in your early twenties (20’s) – It’s happening to you right now – so make the most of it!! It’s a time when the laws of physics if cannot be broken, can at least be bent without severe consequences. It was one of those special relationships, formed early in adulthood, when the food and drink never tasted better, the music raw and the experiences new and fresh.
John was completing his doctorate at the time and Stephanie was earning her Bachelors. I mention this because John’s doctorate required his doing research in the Philippines for about six (6) months and Stephanie could not accompany him as she was in her last semester of obtaining her Bachelor's. Stephanie and I maintained contact while John was gone, occasional dinners, a movie, or just sit, drink and talk. She was fun to be around and I dare say, very easy on the eyes, and generally brought out the best in me. (Funny, I don’t remember thinking about how attractive she was physically until after John had left for the Philippines). We enjoyed each others company before John left, why not after?
After about three (3) months into John’s stint in the Philippines, Stephanie was invited to a party and wanted to attend but not alone, so she called me – not unusual.
We attended the party, had a grand time and then I took her home. She invited me in for a drink and I accepted without thought, as I had done so many times before. I won't go into particulars but she made it clear what she wanted that night and being a young man, (early 20's) I found it all but impossible to turn her down. I did end up spending the night with her, in the same bed, but only held her until we both eventually fell asleep. As I mentioned before - She was a wonderful young woman in all respects. This was probably one of the hardest personal decisions I’ve ever had to make.
This note is brought to you by Basket Theory - For those who follow this blog (again – thank you), be aware of how I reached into someone else’s basket at this point in the story.
******* I had figured Stephanie was just missing John. *********
I could have easily taken advantage of her loneliness and who knows what way the world would've have turned afterwards.
What would you have done?
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When did You Know?
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Posted:Jan 22, 2014 12:44 pm
Last Updated:Dec 23, 2018 6:53 pm
16039 Views
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Here I sit so broken hearted
Reached for the lotion and couldn't get started.
How does it get empty so fast?
I buy it in bulk but it still doesn't last.
Guess I’ll do what I've done before
Post a blog until the next trip to the store.
Personally, I’m on the extreme end of the Kinsey scale, heterosexual with no inclination, indication either in action, thought or dreams, at least the wet dreams, toward the other side of the scale. Given that, I’m not homophobic either; “I don’t care what they do as long as they don’t do it in the street and frighten the horses.” – Mrs. Patrick Campbell aka Beatrice Tanner.
When did you know your sexual orientation? I knew at a very early age, somewhere between four (4) and five (5) years old. I was considered a precocious by the adults around me; knew things I had no previous experience with. I heard the phrase “old beyond my years” often growing up. I mention this not to impress but clarify why I ask the question. Is this the usual sexual awakening age or am I an aberration, three (3) standard deviations out from the norm? I realize I’m addressing this question to a very specific population (Local Adult Companion members) and the result will most likely be slanted but I know I am in good company, with like minded individuals and who better to ask?
My first memory of this inexplicable feeling of attraction was for my Aunt. She was in her late teens and would baby sit during the summers. This meant long summer days with her in a bikini, tanning and she was sexy – think Farrah Fawcett before the drugs and with larger breasts. I made it a point to be present as she would dress/undress and run to give her hugs while she was bare breasted. The incredible feeling of her perfectly formed breasts pressed against me was enough to give me my first erections, which oddly enough never concerned me – I mean my penis changing size and feel (soft vs. hard). Towards the late part of that summer she caught on to my burgeoning sexual awakening and I had to satiate my appetite by other means. Fortunately there were teenage boys around (I’m guessing to come see my Aunt) who stashed a pile of playboys where a clever little boy could find them. I was in first grade when I started kissing girls, at least the willing ones and had by fifth grade come into my own, when I started French kissing. These urges only increased in strength and frequency the closer I and my female classmates approached puberty. By sixth grade I rediscovered breasts with the girls in class blossoming. I played “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours” or “Doctor” as often as the girls were willing. In fact, I still play these games – beats the hell out of Chutes and Ladders.
The rest of my less than innocent years I’ll keep to myself and leave the readers to relive their own. Is it because I am on the extreme end of the Kinsey scale I found my sexual orientation so early? If this is true, then it would follow those in the center or bi-sexual would have a more difficult if not confusing time of it. Or alternatively, it is possible sexual orientation doesn't effect the age at which the discovery is made. I know there are myriad other factors to consider, social norms promulgated by advertisements, movies and TV shows chief among them and don’t even get me started on organized religions.
I leave the readers of this blogticle (thank you BTW) with the original question posed, When did you know your sexual orientation?
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What did I say wrong?
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Posted:Dec 5, 2013 9:43 am
Last Updated:Dec 28, 2021 12:02 pm
17470 Views
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This blogticle was inspired by 1AtomicKiss and in a deliberate and blatant attempt to lure him back into blogging again. I've included this link, [blog 1AtomicKiss], for those who haven’t yet experienced the pleasure of his rich and diverse sense of humor.
Men: Do you have trouble making that connection on Local Adult Companion? Do the words elude you while gazing at all those keys on the keyboard, not even in alphabetical order, attempting to compose the perfect email and garner the attention you so richly deserve? If so, then listen up – Do I have a product for you.
Introducing “de Bergerac” made by ONS Inc.
After answering a few basic questions consisting of your sexual orientation, sexual likes/dislikes and uploading a picture, this amazing piece of software will “read” the targets profile and compose an email guaranteed* to receive a response. It’s based on the same algorithms used by professional Human Resource (HR) departments everywhere to select the ‘right’ candidate for employment.
While scanning the targets profile, it selects certain keywords and uses them in the formulation of the “personal” email. Using patented technology, it organizes these keywords into the Cognitive, Psychomotor and Affective domains enabling selection of ‘the words’ to show strength, intelligence, wisdom, humility and humor in the proper amounts. The result is a most irresistible charismatic email demonstrating your
• Knowledge of the subject (i.e. the woman you’re trying to ‘hook up’ with)
• Comprehension of the subject (i.e. read her profile and acknowledge her desires and limits)
• Application of the subject - (i.e. “Personalize” the woman you’re trying to “hook up” with).
But Wait – there’s more!
It also sprinkles appropriate emoticons throughout the email hinting at your spontaneity and fluidity with a keyboard (i.e. “nimble fingers”).
For just a few dollars more you can order the “de Bergerac deluxe”. No package would be complete without the Enhancement function. Use the “Enhance Tool” button to automatically retouch your photo to align with the golden ratio believing this proportion to be the most aesthetically pleasing. (Certain aspects of this function may be manually adjusted.)
And as if that were not enough, it sends the email for you too!
“de Bergerac” eliminates the need for spell check, review of grammar or content.
Yes, you too no longer need know the difference between a proper pronoun and an adjective or worry about subject-verb agreement to successfully communicate with the object of your affection.
Singular or plural possessive nouns – no problem! To, too or two confusion – GONE! “de Bergerac” takes all the guesswork out of composing the perfect email to elicit a response.
Not ready to purchase yet? Just read the testimonials below.
“……Thanks ONS Inc. for the “de Bergerac”, I haven’t see this much action since college” – Sam in California
“…….the de Bergerac worked like a charm, got a response every time. Great product ONS Inc!!” – Frank in Ohio
“…..Unbelievable piece of software ONS Inc.; more intuitive than my therapist.“ – Robert in New York
“…….I love this product! In fact, I’m using it now to write this letter of gratitude.  Whatever you’re doing ONS Inc., keep it up!!” – Doug in Texas
HURRY AND ORDER TODAY BEFORE THEY”RE ALL GONE!!
*Guarantee only valid for unadulterated introduction email and ONS Inc. is not legally liable for the results of using this product.
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Cats have nine (9) lives. How many do you have left?
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Posted:Nov 22, 2013 12:41 pm
Last Updated:Dec 23, 2018 7:01 pm
16891 Views
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Been awhile since I last posted but that’s what a big bottle of lotion will do for you even with an insatiable sexual appetite. More bang for the buck as it were, especially when you buy it in the 50 gallon drum size -You gotta love warehouse stores. 
I've been reading quite a few blogticles of late (loving the HNW though still hesitant to participate) and commenting on a few. Between work and family visiting, I've been quite busy but the family is gone and work appears to slowing down for the holidays, hopefully no November nuisances  to ruin what otherwise is a much needed break. I've noticed an abnormal number of life altering events occurring (moving, illness, new jobs, meeting someone special…etc) within the blogging community. Although not statistically valid, it got me thinking all the same. WARNING: Please fasten your seat belts, extinguish all smoking material, put on your hardhat and keep your arms and legs inside the cart at all times – I’m thinking, a dangerous proposition at best.
They say “cats have nine (9) lives but we have only one (1)”. I don’t know if that’s true and anecdotal evidence is no evidence at all – it’s just hearsay, but having the family out, telling the old stories, remembering each from our own unique perspective it occurred to me my Dad is currently on his eighth (8th) life if it be measured the same as a cats. The first life I know of was spent when the full gas tanker truck he was driving turned over and exploded. We, (us and Mom), were watching the flames and smoke from the porch when we got the call. Now don’t get all weepy on me as I am relating facts – not looking to elicit sympathy. Dad not only survived,  but was able to walk away, albeit dragging the cab of the truck with him (foot stuck under the dash), and escaped with minor burns and lacerations.  Did I mention my Dad’s a tough SOB? Then there was the time the tractor turned over on him and he lay under it for hours with the PTO gear handle shoved into his internal organs entering close to the place where the sun doesn't shine – recovery time was about six (6) months and a couple of surgeries. Keeping with the feline theme, we tied a cell phone around his neck after that. Did I mention my Dad’s a tough SOB? This did not slow him down as he was back in action a few years later when he accidentally shot himself in the leg with a “Dirty Harry” gun (.44 Magnum) while hunting.  He was in his sixties (60’s) during both of these incidents. I remember talking to him on the phone while he was waiting for the hospital to prepare for his surgery and he asked ‘What’s taking them so damn long?’ to which I replied “Dad, they take dumbass’s last” and we laughed until tears were streaming down my face. Did I mention my Dad’s a tough SOB? Well, the bullet (and age I suspect) slowed him down a bit but didn't stop him. Peripheral nerves repair at an interminably slow rate (1 mm/day). Most recently I learned from my sisters, he was bitten by a snake (must have been poisonous) and lay in his truck for two (2) days until the ‘headache’ went away. Did I mention my Dad’s a tough SOB?
The other four (4) incidents recalled off the top of my head all end the same – he mostly walks away relatively unharmed. Although getting through the airports metal detectors are a bit of a pain due to all the metal rod replacements for bone. Did I mention my Dad’s a tough SOB!
You would think after the first one he would have shied away from potentially life threatening/altering situations but he presses on. Now, in his seventies (70’s), he still pursues life, nay embraces life for all that his has to offer. He still races quads and when asked why he replies “Anyone can remain scarred shitless for ten (10) seconds.” I think this is the takeaway, because after the first ten (10) seconds the scarred part is over and either you’re still breathing or your not. So I submit to all those going through life altering events, just hang on, anyone can remain scarred shitless for ten (10) seconds and after that if your still breathing………… 
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Sorry Ladies, I feel your pain.
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Posted:Oct 30, 2013 12:54 pm
Last Updated:Dec 23, 2018 7:05 pm
17335 Views
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New bottle of lotion but now I have to wait for the friction burns to heal – I’m not into pain. So I’ll use my ‘itchy trigger’ fingers to pound out another blogticle whilst the newly exposed epidermis heals.
I recently read yet another blogticle about the behavior of the not so fairer sex and their inability to adequately express themselves through the written word. We will refer to these men as ‘men of action’. Words do not come easily for ‘men of action’ as their brains have developed strong, complex connections to the physical world, only rarely catching a brief glimpse into the imaginary. On these rare occasions, he can only sense there is something more, and more often than not, will brush it aside as a mere irritant, like a fly in his beer.
The blogticles I am referring too all share a common theme; Too many ill conceived responses from ‘men of action’ to wade through. Let me say I sympathize. I can see how that would become tedious and also lead to false assumptions about the not so fairer sex. Although I have not received any personal correspondence other than from Local Adult Companion itself, (contests, upgrade specials…etc) in the six (6) years as a member, I feel your pain. Don’t let the fact that I visit local chat rooms, sent IM’s and on occasion string a few coherent thoughts together forming something blog-like and have yet to motivate personal contact, suspend your belief for a moment that I don’t know what you are going through. The endless streams of emails and IM’s clamoring for your attention must indeed be a harrowing experience. Certainly a monumental task, nay, burden has been unduly laid before you. I don’t know how you handle it all; surely your tolerance for the inane and banal must be limitless. Poor souls, having to triage all those suitors into three distinct groups: Forget it – Friend it – F$%k it. Do not think for a moment I can’t empathize with you having to make those decisions day after day, night after night and just when you think you’re done, lo and behold, your inbox is full once more. It must be quite the curse sorting through all those invitations, viewing profiles, ogling pics and the scheduling, oh don’t get me started, what a nightmare it must be. Who to meet, when and where, I can literally only imagine how daunting the task.
I guess I didn't know how well I off I have it. I rarely have to check my inbox or respond to an IM and even then it’s from men whose orientation I do not share - I’m still recovering from the experience. Yes, I’m much better off. Never having to worry about whose offer to take or suffer the nervous anticipation experienced when first meeting someone, not to mention the looming possibility of sex, hanging there, just out of reach. Yes, I’m much better off. No verbal jousting, plans to make or spot cleaning in case the date goes well. No need for a table for two (2) – carry out wins the day. Yes, I’m much better off. No excitement felt from an all but full inbox of potentials, no pressure to be witty or original. Yes, I’m much better off.
So listen up all you knuckle dragging, mouth breathing ‘men of action’, put yourselves in these poor women’s place before hitting send on that one complete sentence you've managed to compile. Take a moment and ask yourself, did I use spell check?, am I clearly communicating my intentions?, does she really want to read what I have to say? And then hit the delete button as her inbox is already full and you don’t want to overwhelm her. She clearly has enough on her plate without adding your interest in her to the mix.
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Heard a good one lately?
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Posted:Oct 29, 2013 1:55 pm
Last Updated:Dec 23, 2018 7:09 pm
17263 Views
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OK – time for some fun. Things are getting a bit dull on Local Adult Companion as of late. Don’t know if it’s related to the change in seasons or just a change in me. We’ll see………Oops, almost forgot the lotion reference:
Um...OK....What do you call an empty bottle of lotion?
Friction burn!.....ouch that smarts.
1. A traveling salesman’s car breaks down on an old country road and it was getting dark. He spied a small farmhouse with the farmer standing outside. He asked the farmer if he could spend the night as the tow truck couldn't get his car until morning. The farmer studied him then slowly replied “It’s a small house, no extra bedrooms so you would have to sleep with my .” The salesman’s eyes widened and he exclaimed “Oh crap, I’m in the wrong joke!”
2. A woman joins a convent and remains true to her vows of chastity and silence for 5 years. The Mother Superior invites her into her office and states “It is time for your 5 year review. You may speak freely.” The nun says “Hard beds.” The Mother Superior replies “It has been awhile since we've had new mattresses, I will see what I can do.” The nun leaves. Five (5) years later Mother Superior again invites the nun into her office and states “It’s time for your 5 year review, you may speak freely.” The nun says “cold food” to which the Mother Superior replies “Perhaps we can start having more warm meals, at least during the cold months.” The nun leaves. Five (5) years later the Mother Superior once again calls the nun into her office and states “Well, you have been with us now for fifteen years, is there anything you would like to say?” The nun levels her gaze at the Mother Superior and says “I can’t take it anymore and I think I should leave.” To which the Mother Superior replied “Perhaps that’s best, all you've done is complain since you got here.”
3. What’s brown and sticky?
A stick I’m not sorry, I love that joke.
Let’s break up the routine. Post a few of your own – they don’t all have to be gems.
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Missed Opportunities
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Posted:Oct 9, 2013 2:05 pm
Last Updated:Dec 23, 2018 7:16 pm
18011 Views
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Here I am once again with dry hands and an empty bottle of lotion so I thought I’d regale the readers of this blog with another ‘what should have been’ a sordid tale from my past.
Ordinarily speaking, I’m a fairly observant guy. When I walk into a room, within a minute or two, I can tell you the decor, tile/carpet colors or patterns and how many ceiling tiles, what the personnel is wearing, whether the air filters have been changed….. etc.; I notice things. I don’t classify myself as OCD, although if truth be told, I do share some of the same symptoms. For example, my desk appears quite messy with papers and journals stacked to the ceiling, bits and pieces of electronic parts strewn all over and of course the obligatory office supplies such as staplers, post it notes, desk calendar….etc. Some of my colleagues know I have this peculiar ability to know when something has been moved on my desk and will take advantage of my absence to move items about – not gross movements but subtle ones, like moving the orientation of the stapler 1-2 degrees to see if I’ll notice which I invariably do but have quit mentioning in the hope it will stop.
I consider myself an astute observer (hence the blog title) of things and human behavior. When I see two people talking I can usually tell if they are lovers, flirting or just friends. I’m certain most everyone is adept at this but the problem sitting squarely in my basket is I can’t tell when it’s happening to me.
The first time I became aware of this deficiency was at the tender age of fifteen (15). A friend of my sister’s came over and while I was learning to play guitar when she asked me if I would teach her. I said yes and proceeded to instruct her in the art of playing guitar which was the only lesson I ever gave her. Three (3) months later she was over again but this time I had a friend of mine (a girl) with me. We were all in the same room when my friend asked if I would teach her to play guitar when my sister’s friend declared “that won’t work with him, he’ll just teach you to play the guitar” BAM! it hit me right between the eyes – so that’s why she never asked for another lesson.
The second time I became aware of another missed opportunity was just a couple of years later during my first week of college. An extremely attractive young lady came over to the table where I was eating, obviously a new student as well, and asked me if I wanted to go bicycling with her. I stated I did not bring my bicycle with me but thanked her for asking. I assumed she just wanted someone to bicycle with her – never occurred to me it was me she was interested in, not the bicycling. (DOLT!!) Yes, I was and still am that lame in this respect. Note: We eventually did get together later (and it was wonderful) but not until her interest in me was pointed out by my friends. During breaks, she would walk past us with a cold can of soda set firmly between her ample bosoms and look directly at me – I was and remain clueless.
Another time I was shopping with a roommate and during checkout I struck up a conversation with the woman at the checkout counter. Harmless conversation designed to pleasantly whittle away the time while she totaled up the items. She was coming to the end of her shift and said she wasn't sure what she was going to be doing later. I just asked out of courtesy not because I was angling for a date, just routine conversation or so I thought until we left. That’s when my roommate says “I thought you were getting ready to ask her out especially after the way you and her were flirting.” WHAT?! Are you kidding me – that wasn't flirting, just harmless conversation.
Perhaps the most telling tale of my admitted deficiency is the time a co-worker came over to my apartment, unannounced, where I and a couple friends were playing a game. It was around 11:30 on a Friday night and she came over with two (2) dozen raw oysters. Now I was aware of the purported effects of oysters on the libido but I didn't put together that’s why she brought them. I, being the gentlemen I am, invited her in for drinks and to join the game. I look back now and realize I should have chased my buddies out the apartment but I wasn't able to put it together at the time 
You would think after a lifetime of having this happen to me I would learn to recognize the signs but to this day I remain oblivious when it’s happening to me. I do not know how to tell the difference between polite conversation and flirting. Unless the woman is on her knees and unzipping my pants, I just won’t see it.
Anyone else suffer from this blind spot?
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Lessons in the Art of Seduction
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Posted:Sep 10, 2013 2:55 pm
Last Updated:Jun 29, 2019 9:14 am
18214 Views
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A good, curious friend of mine once wondered how many slaps, looks of indignation or otherwise negative responses a young man would have to endure before one woman said yes to sex upon first meeting. A solid hypothesis worthy of a good experiment if there ever was one Now hold on if your hands aren't already busy and allow me to explain. Einstein used thought experiments quite successfully during his career as a theoretical physicist mostly because the technology wasn't available to test his theories. Like Einstein, I have and routinely still use thought experiments for this subject area when the women aren't available Okay, this wasn't the case for a couple of extremely bright, albeit horny, young men who believed this experiment demanded nothing less than a more practical, experimental approach. There are so many independent variables (physical appearance, time of day, time of the month, setting – i.e. surrounding influence, alcohol, lighting, smells, “chemistry”,….etc), it was necessary to eliminate as many variables as possible while designing the experiment. It was decided the only effective way of limiting the variables was to limit the opportunities. This may sound difficult but if you have ever spent an evening in a local pub then you ladies know what I mean by “limited” opportunities The setting must first of all be a public place where sex was not expected or anticipated – no bars, weddings, funerals – don’t judge, where do you think the word fun in funeral comes from?; secondly, there must be areas close by and private enough to carry out the deed and most importantly the probability of running into each other again must be extremely remote. This is to be a “one off” if you will, don’t want to taint the results. (I take no responsibility for any puns found
It was therefore decided the best possible place to carry out this experiment was an amusement park – specifically Kings Island located just outside Cincinnati (aptly named and another story), OH. The procedure was simple, as was the data collection technique. If either of us should pique the interest of the fairer sex through the quiet, innocent use of eye contact and should that lead to meeting face to face, the first words uttered out of either of our mouths were to be
“You don’t know me and I don’t know you, chances are we will never see each other again and I was wondering if you would like to go to the bathroom and screw?”
or at least something covering the main points (you, me, sex, now). At this point in the story I feel it warranted reminding the reader, we were young, very young and did I fail to mention YOUNG, inexperienced and extremely horny. It should be noted we were equal opportunity experimentalists but gender biased, so all women, younger (within all federal, state and local laws), older, fat, skinny, cute, attractive, ugly, fugly…….didn't matter, it was all in the name of science. (LOL – oh, I’m so sorry for that. Give me a moment to recoup – laughed so hard damn near soiled myself << wiping away the tears rolling down his face.) Now where was I, yes – before you go casting aspersions upon my parentage, it should be noted although I wasn't ‘technically’ raised in a barn, I did spend a considerable amount of time in one as a youth, but that’s another story. I was raised, as was my friend, in a god fearing, well mannered, somewhat prudish home which meant it was not easy to overcome those years of polite conversational training our parents sought so hard to teach us and verbalize that question, let alone to a perfect stranger. We knew it was a numbers game or as fungirlinarizona so eloquently put it, “throwing spaghetti on the wall trick, surely one strand will stick! “ in her insightful blogticle [post 3227749] – tip of the hat to fungirlinarizona for inspiring this blogticle by reminding me of how young, naive and awkward I once was.
Needless to say the first few attempts were half-stated sentences, filled with ums, ers, uhs and other equally effective conversational techniques still employed to this day by teenagers across the world. We each suspected the other of not really making the true intent of the experiment known to the women we approached as there were no red-handed face marks. It was shortly after we met to eat and discuss our results things began to change. It was obvious by now, even to us, our ‘technique’ needed some minor adjustments. This is where the lessons in the art of conversation and sweet seduction began for me. Instead of going ‘straight for the jugular/throat/clit’ I adapted a slightly different approach, without deviating from the procedures. I observed by using a combination of body language/posture, encouraging physical contact – extending my hand and remain holding her hand as I looked deeply into her eyes as the intensity of the adrenaline and testosterone levels begin rushing, building, rising and peaking through my bloodstream, pheromones permeating the air with the promise of passion, all the while speaking, almost whispering so she has to move closer to hear me as I calmly and evenly stated my desire, the results were much different than my earlier attempts. As the day receded into dusk and evening into night, the fireworks signaled the end of another day at Kings Island, but not just another day for me.
The results of the study have not yet been published as the authors continue the research and thank all those who have participated in the study and encourage those who wish to participate in future studies to contact me
The hallmark of a well designed and successful experiment is it should always raise as many questions as it answers and so I ask, How many women would be or have been willing and under what circumstances?
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Involuntary Reactions
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Posted:Sep 3, 2013 12:47 pm
Last Updated:Jun 30, 2014 4:56 pm
18021 Views
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“An unexamined life is one not worth living” – Socrates/Plato
I have always been a considered, cautious and calculated person. Constantly weighing pros and cons of every situation, making decisions based on all immediately observable evidence along with former experiences and acting accordingly. This approach is most likely an attempt to create or remain in a safe and predictable surrounding, albeit an illusory one at best. At this point, I have been doing it for so long my synaptic paths used for this processing have become exceedingly efficient and so well developed at stopping my initial reaction until a conscious decision has been made, that for all intents and purposes it appears to be a reflexive or natural reaction on my part – but it’s not. This is a highly prized attribute in certain ‘high stress’ occupations, such as, emergency medical personnel, air traffic controllers or any occupation involving the possible loss or harm of human life. We all have this ability and use it to a greater or lesser extent. I could give multiple examples of how/where I have used this technique but that is not what interests me. I am most interested with involuntary reactions and of one specific incident that happened to me.
I must first give thanks to SandraD1000 and her blog - [post 3225697] for inspiring this blogticle©.
In her blogticle, she asks about celebrating her birthday with an ass spanking. As I read through the plethora of comments and her replies I got the distinct feeling she is not exactly turned on by the idea and would rather celebrate with other ass based activities Although, those are fun as well - no doubt there, it reminded of a fairly recent ‘event’, the first time I ever spanked an ass. Let me first make the obligatory disclaimers. I am not a violent man and have always equated spanking with a form of physical violence which is most abhorrent to me. There were no drugs or alcohol taken prior to the ‘event’ and we were not watching any porn containing spanking. To this day I’m still somewhat mystified as to my actions of the night in question and the events leading up to it.
As long time lovers, we know each other well and the sex, although quite satisfying, can become somewhat routine. That night of passion started no differently than any other. In fact, up until the moment my hand took on a mind of its own and delivered a sharp, firm and surprisingly loud smack to her ass, all seemed to be proceeding as it had so many times before. The fact that she screamed “Yes!!” only served to encourage my hand to again deliver another firm slap to her buttocks at which point I climaxed and so did she – the holy grail of sex – mutual orgasm. Now we had achieved mutual orgasm before, but not without me consciously holding back until she began her climax. This time was different, as she had climaxed mere moments (< minute) before. Warning: Shameless Plug - Yes, I am a considerate lover and truly enjoy bringing my lovers to climax multiple times before I climax – It takes me longer to recover nowadays than it used to – perhaps another topic for a future blogticle  My point being, I didn't even know I was going to slap her ass until I did and what’s worse for a recovering control freak, my hand did it again without my express permission. Nowhere in either of our collective sexual experience had spanking ever played part. She even admitted afterward (yes, I like to laugh and talk about sex while still wet from the activity) she was equally surprised to find out she enjoyed it as I was that I did it –She asked what possessed me to smack her ass to which I lamely replied “I’m not sure.” To this day the best I can figure is, and I wouldn't swear an oath in court to this, somehow, somewhere deep in my subconscious, I must have observed something in her body language that caused an involuntary response on my part; i.e. smack her ass. We were both somewhat taken aback that we climaxed during this unusual addition to our sexual repertoire. We have experimented bringing other activities into our sex sessions before but not without discussing and agreeing to it first. Since that night, we have incorporated the occasional smack to the ass, but only when the mood strikes - pun intended
I guess my answer to SandraD1000's question is, and I hope she’s reading this. What doesn't feel right with one lover may feel right with another. Remember, we don’t regret the things we do; only what we choose not to.
Here's hoping your basket is empty Basket Theory and your algebra skills are improving Algebra is Like Sex
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