a bit
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Posted:May 28, 2019 9:56 am
Last Updated:Apr 29, 2024 12:16 pm
3293 Views
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It is 9:43am.... it is nearly time for me to be sleeping, but I had a bit of a nap last night. I feel guilty for sleeping in the night these days.
What the fuck? I feel guilty for sleeping at NIGHT??? Something is very wrong in my life....
The last time I had sex was sometime before Christmas.... I don't remember the exact date and time.... I just know it has been a while. It was with a friend who I'd hoped things would escalate..... They did not. I did however learn that a man will show you how he values you by the time he chooses to spend with you. Remember that.....because he will come back around for the sex. He will make you feel important and missed... Then when it comes to those days you want to spend time together, he will be off doing other things. When you are important, you will feel important. Sex is so much better when there is a reason to be doing it.
I have been single for 8 years now..... I am a kind, loving, affectionate, sane, non drug using, home owning, capable, smart enough, takes care of herself kinda girl.... and yet .... no one asks me out. I know that my weird hours and life complicate that.... I've got to the point I am scared to put myself out there. Even when life was not about night shift... no one asked me out. I keep wondering what is wrong with me. I know I am not beautiful, hot or any of those things.... but I've seen "My 500 pound life".... and none of those people are single. What the actual fuck? I have my flaws... my body didn't endure pregnancy well.... it shows.
I am fine being single.... I will be fine being single. I just wish it was 100% by choice at this point. I am so ready to share some good times with a friend.... one that I want to kiss, flirt with. I want to surprise my person.... with touches, loves, and things that feel good.
It leaves me wondering how and what makes me so undesirable.
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Just more truth
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Posted:Jul 30, 2017 2:11 am
Last Updated:Aug 5, 2017 4:34 pm
6206 Views
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I have not shared in a long time.... but I guess this is the moment I share. Shame on me. I am feeling particularly down right now. I am feeling very unworthy and ugly. It has been a long time since my last loving kiss... relation. How ever you speak of it. I have put myself out there here and there... but not everywhere. Each time it has been met with rejection. I am ok. I am feeling hurt .... Unloveable and unattractive. I mean I get I am fat.... YUP. I am imperfect. I am not HUGE... I have some extra. It is gross.. I get that.  I made babies. Anyway..... today I hurt, I want to give up trying for "more". I also just don't want the nothing.
Moving towards myself.
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Been a while....
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Posted:Jan 24, 2017 2:26 am
Last Updated:Apr 29, 2024 12:16 pm
7587 Views
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It has been a while since I shared my life with friends and folks here.... I thought I'd share. This past summer I made a bit of a change in my life work wise. I started teaching.
About the same time..... I had some pretty serious medical issues.. MY IUD decided to attack me.... my cholesterol medication was hurting... I was just in a world of pain. It is now January and I am still not 100 percent. I am glad I made a change when I did.... not sure I could have done hair and made enough money to survive doing so. I fear I would have faltered and who knows what would have happened. There was a time that I could not stand for even a little bit.
I am still single....
I continue to wonder what is wrong with me.... what is that missing part. I don't know that there really is anything missing with me..... maybe I am being set aside for something really special. Or maybe I just have more to offer the world as I am ..... sharing and loving fully.
Sometimes I wonder if the reason I am super single is because I can't accept anyone that doesn't meet my dreams. Honestly ...... I want the comfortable handsome dude who is way into me sitting wit me at the Gorge watching DMB.... kissing the back of my neck and knowing I am so in love with him. I want him to sing the stone loudly with me.... and be fully with me every step of the way.
I know that is not what is in my future..... but that is what I want. Until then... I should be happy watching Carter and the boys on my own and with friends.
Ok in all seriousness .... having a man watch DMB with me is not ALLL I want.... I want some other things too.....  I exhale and have to ask myself what is wrong with me.... and of course I go back to the other voices in my life over time and hear all the negative words.... negative thoughts and see the looks. Too Fat, Too Short, NOT this and not That... Never ever enough. Smart enough, tall enough, thin enough...... If you'd like you can take this knife you hold and whittle me away to what is pleasing enough for you..... or I can stand strong and be enough for myself.
I have no answers..... Life isn't always a party.
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A Silver Lining???
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Posted:May 19, 2016 1:12 am
Last Updated:May 22, 2016 1:01 pm
10021 Views
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This may be a rambling post and I apologize in advance.
Several months....no many years ago I decided that I wanted to work for a very large sporting goods company that was coming into where I lived. I KNEW I would be a great addition to their company. Their catalog was my leisurely reading and I would be great at helping busy wives find the perfect gift for their outdoor loving husband. Reality.... I got a divorce before the store was built.
I wasn't sure how I was going to move forward.... and I knew I couldn't take a job in a retail market with my new EX-husband still working the 24 on and 48 off schedule of a firefighter. I needed to be MOM....
I began beauty school. I did well in school and have done well since.... however I have encountered some huge obstacles. Salons closing with 2 hours notice, 30 days notice....and other things that just were the way they were.
With all of the moves.... it makes a hairstylist suffer. It just does. I decided that I wanted that job at the sporting goods store. Beyond all my dreams..... they hired ME!!! What? It was only a minimum wage job on my days off from the salon. Somehow I felt full in my heart because something I wanted for so long came true.
Today I am sad because this place I'd dreamed of working has let me know I have to be available both weekend days in order to work there. Even though this single lady will work a Friday night and a Sunday morning. It is not enough. It looks like I will lose my position there. I am not poised to move up in the company or do anything more than what I do.... but still, THEY HIRED ME!!! I'd not had an employer in 15 years! It meant the world to me.
I know that all things happen for a reason, be happy, new things are coming.... all of that. Trust me.... at this point.... I get it.
With all that has happened, I am feeling like it is time to listen to my good friend Walter and realize that I am working too hard to open closed doors. The universe is trying to tell me something. I am struggling too deeply for far too little return. I have never sought to be anything more than stable. I'd like to look at that great coat on sale at work for my and buy it for his birthday that passed 6 days ago. I'd like to not worry that I am going to fail and scare my . My wants aren't even about ME....of course not. They are about those around me.
I am disappointed. I put my all into everything I do. I am searching for the silver lining.... it must be that good things are coming. I am searching my heart for truth.
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A Silver Lining???
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Posted:May 19, 2016 12:56 am
Last Updated:Apr 29, 2024 12:16 pm
9760 Views
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This may be a rambling post and I apologize in advance.
Several months....no many years ago I decided that I wanted to work for a very large sporting goods company that was coming into where I lived. I KNEW I would be a great addition to their company. Their catalog was my leisurely reading and I would be great at helping busy wives find the perfect gift for their outdoor loving husband. Reality.... I got a divorce before the store was built.
I wasn't sure how I was going to move forward.... and I knew I couldn't take a job in a retail market with my new EX-husband still working the 24 on and 48 off schedule of a firefighter. I needed to be MOM....
I began beauty school. I did well in school and have done well since.... however I have encountered some huge obstacles. Salons closing with 2 hours notice, 30 days notice....and other things that just were the way they were.
With all of the moves.... it makes a hairstylist suffer. It just does. I decided that I wanted that job at the sporting goods store. Beyond all my dreams..... they hired ME!!! What? It was only a minimum wage job on my days off from the salon. Somehow I felt full in my heart because something I wanted for so long came true.
Today I am sad because this place I'd dreamed of working has let me know I have to be available both weekend days in order to work there. Even though this single lady will work a Friday night and a Sunday morning. It is not enough. It looks like I will lose my position there. I am not poised to move up in the company or do anything more than what I do.... but still, THEY HIRED ME!!! I'd not had an employer in 15 years! It meant the world to me.
I know that all things happen for a reason, be happy, new things are coming.... all of that. Trust me.... at this point.... I get it.
With all that has happened, I am feeling like it is time to listen to my good friend Walter and realize that I am working too hard to open closed doors. The universe is trying to tell me something. I am struggling too deeply for far too little return. I have never sought to be anything more than stable. I'd like to look at that great coat on sale at work for my and buy it for his birthday that passed 6 days ago. I'd like to not worry that I am going to fail and scare my . My wants aren't even about ME....of course not. They are about those around me.
I am disappointed. I put my all into everything I do. I am searching for the silver lining.... it must be that good things are coming. I am searching my heart for truth.
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Random feelings and thoughts....
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Posted:May 9, 2016 5:19 am
Last Updated:May 11, 2016 5:28 pm
9996 Views
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I woke up in the middle of the night because I fell asleep early. It was mothers day and actually a painful day for me. Not only because I feel so torn from my babies, but because life as I believed it would be was not. On 5/8/11 I made love to my then boyfriend for the last time. The relationship ended officially in October of 2012. We have been intimate since.....but yeah. Painful memories. So while awake I stumbled onto a recording of The Dave Matthews Band performance on 5/7/16 in Charlottesville Va. It is the opening to their 25th year. I will help them close that year at the Gorge Amphitheater in Washington State over Labor Dave Weekend. It is a true passion of mine. It occurred to me how much I'd like to date someone who shared the same passion. Not to be competitive as many dave fans are..... but to truly share. Where do I find such a man?
I've not been on any recent dates.... I guess I just feel like it is a waste of time. After the you're too fat feeling.... I just don't have much capacity to open myself up.
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The Shower
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Posted:Apr 29, 2016 12:53 pm
Last Updated:May 9, 2016 5:19 am
10414 Views
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I step into the shower after masturbating... feeling a little lonely and unsatisfied. The water running down my body and the bubbles from the wash running down my nipples and my scared belly. I see all of my imperfections and flaws. I remember back to that time when we first showered together. I was shaking visibly. I was so afraid for you to see my naked body. To expose myself to you that way. You stepped in and you stepped closer. You took my hands in yours and you looked me in the eyes. You assured me that I was ok. I felt safe.
Trying to let go of that memory I focus on the shampoo in my hair, the wash on my face.... the soap through my toes. The water is running down my body and my hair to the side... the water the only kisses upon my neck, the pulsing of the stream on my back the only hands to have touched my naked body. I lean my head to the side and wait for your kisses from behind... to feel your arms wrapped around me in comfort.
You are not there. I will forever remember and yearn for that type of intimacy again. Naked and not exposed.... free to feel from within fully. In the end I am grateful for the experience. Something that I never knew I was missing until it happened. It could have been my entire lifetime that passed and I would never have known what that was like. I would have missed feeling loved, if even for a moment. I am glad I didn't.
Thank you .... Five years later it still mattered.
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Keep reminding myself.
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Posted:Feb 8, 2016 12:49 pm
Last Updated:Feb 15, 2016 2:43 pm
11744 Views
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A couple of weeks ago I went on the very best first date I could imagine. We spent some time together the following few days and it was just so nice. It was exciting. I felt content just having made a new friend. I looked forward to one moment at a time.
The other shoe dropped. He's realized he's not ready for a relationship. Was I ready? I don't even know... I just knew I was enjoying the moments as they came.
We saw each other a few more times.... and this morning it was definite.
My body shaking, my heart rattled, my eyes low, and I feel like I want to throw up.
It was the first time in 5 years that I met someone that just felt right. We laughed easily, conversed for hours effortlessly and I didn't think about being anywhere other than there. We just sat and talked....
Today trying to remember that you never chase after a man..... he will tell you his truth in the beginning and it is my job to listen.
Stop allowing yourself to believe that you were not tall enough, thin enough, pretty enough, smart enough..... You are all you are. If that isn't enough.... you can't change that. Go forward little one and hold your heart a little tighter....
I need air, water, food, sunshine, friends, and faith that when I lay my head down on my pillow that I have done my best to be a good human today.
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Dating- "You're not worth it"
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Posted:Jan 17, 2016 12:09 am
Last Updated:Feb 25, 2016 10:11 pm
12357 Views
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In a couple of days I will have been divorced for 5 years. I've not had a boyfriend for over 3 years and most of those 5 years (even when I had a boyfriend) I have been alone. Even before divorce I was alone. I've figured out how to do the alone very well. I am comfortable in it and not unhappy. I am at the point where I feel secure enough in my healing (of the broken heart) and and my self in general that I feel like I have room in my life to share ME with another. I've been going on dates here and there. Nothing serious, and no one has jumped out to say that I need to see more of them for more than a couple of dates. I could tell you some of the stories of crazy dates, but that is rather boring. Instead I will tell you about this one.
He's been trying for a few weeks to get me to meet him. His messages to me are always really odd. At one point I asked him if he was HIGH. He would pester me when I was out with friends, insist that I meet him NOW. Yesterday even though we had evening plans he was messaging me that I should meet him at a bar. It was 2 in the afternoon. When I told him that was not going to happen, he replied with C'mon babe!!! Really? Babe? You've never even met me, it is 2 in the afternoon... AND I am at WORK!!! Our plans were to meet a bar not far for either of us. Well lit and feels secure to me.
I get home and let him know that I'd be ready soon. He proceeds to say that I should drive about 5 miles and meet him at this dive bar. (I'd been clear that I don't like dive bars). I call him and he hangs up on me. I think ok. I am done. Then he calls me back about 20 minutes later. Asks me again if I'd not come to where he is and blah blah blah. I explain that a friend from work had asked me to join her at this bar that he and I were going to and I'd told her that I was already going to be there. Perfect and a win win. He goes on to say well maybe tomorrow then. I for the first time in my life.... do not cater to someone else's needs. I say maybe not. You and I had plans for this night and you've changed them. I am going to continue on with my night, but good luck. Fast forward about an hour he texts me and say she is going to join us at the bar. He arrives and is just not what I expected. The pictures he's put on line really are not a good representation of him and I am not fully sure he can carry on a conversation. Plus he keeps looking over my body. More friends show up.... we end up deciding to sit someplace else. He doesn't join and leaves.
Tonight he sends me a message after 11pm and it just says "You're not worth it".... This is something I've heard and felt all my life. I am not enough. I am not worthy of good things, good people..... and really in the end the expectation that I can be loved, wanted, cherished..... Not sure why this is bothering me. I didn't reply. I should not let this bother me.... but honestly it just is.
It isn't even just that he said it.... it is all everything combined. I don't think I want to do this anymore.
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11
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Insight
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Posted:Aug 2, 2015 11:30 am
Last Updated:Jun 5, 2016 10:11 pm
13271 Views
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So recently a friend was in need of a new living situation. I have extra room and live alone. This seemed like a good match. I am happy for it. However she is beautiful, tall, blonde and has an amazing body. When we go out.... my jaw drops and my head shakes. The number of men who cat call her or just simply approach her is amazing. It confirms to me many of my insecurities. Never in my life (even when younger and thin) has anything like this ever happened to me. I don't even know what I would do if it did.
What I am feeling, thinking and will share is how I feel... remember my feelings are my own. I feel frumpy, unattractive and I realize how differently women are treated when they meet the "ideal" of attraction.
I recently watched a movie with Adam Sandler. He puts on other peoples shoes and becomes them. What an interesting concept. What would it feel like to put on her shoes. For ALL the men to desire you.... We were standing in line at an event and the number of men who asked to buy her a beer was staggering, and not one even said hello to me.
I don't know what to really think of this. I don't think I really care. This is the only life I know... I didn't know prior to this that men actually did things like this. It is just a little bit eye opening to that for some life is very different.
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Insight
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Posted:Aug 2, 2015 11:22 am
Last Updated:Aug 2, 2015 3:45 pm
13105 Views
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So recently a friend was in need of a new living situation. I have extra room and live alone. This seemed like a good match. I am happy for it. However she is beautiful, tall, blonde and has an amazing body. When we go out.... my jaw drops and my head shakes. The number of men who cat call her or just simply approach her is amazing. It confirms to me many of my insecurities. Never in my life (even when younger and thin) has anything like this ever happened to me. I don't even know what I would do if it did.
What I am feeling, thinking and will share is how I feel... remember my feelings are my own. I feel frumpy, unattractive and I realize how differently women are treated when they meet the "ideal" of attraction.
I recently watched a movie with Adam Sandler. He puts on other peoples shoes and becomes them. What an interesting concept. What would it feel like to put on her shoes. For ALL the men to desire you.... We were standing in line at an event and the number of men who asked to buy her a beer was staggering, and not one even said hello to me.
I don't know what to really think of this. I don't think I really care. This is the only life I know... I didn't know prior to this that men actually did things like this. It is just a little bit eye opening to that for some life is very different.
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Feeling distant
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Posted:Mar 1, 2015 1:08 pm
Last Updated:Mar 11, 2015 12:20 pm
14261 Views
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“You gave me a forever within the numbered days, and I'm grateful.”
― John Green, The Fault in Our Stars
He gave me what he had at that time and we shared our love..... Did it end? I don't think that love ends. It evolves and morphs. He didn't know at the time that his days to love were numbered..... but they took me by the soul and grabbed me in a way that can't be duplicated.
How does one move forward from something so powerful..... well let me tell you. Slowly and carefully. I sometimes take seven steps forward and ten back.... greater than two and one. I dream about the moments in the desert, the flight over the canyon and every moment before.
My heart is whole.... I choose for it to be. It is not broken, or damaged or confused..... It is just not ready to be shared again. I guess I feel like if I share it just now, that it diminishes the feelings I had at that moment... Or even that I continue to have. I am living this life.... I am feeling this life. I feel what was, and I look forward to feeling my future. I will know when it feels right.
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When we meet
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Posted:Aug 15, 2014 10:23 pm
Last Updated:Apr 29, 2024 12:16 pm
16677 Views
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When we meet... my smile widens and my cheeks puff up with electric joy, my eyes soften and my heart beats faster. I feel the solid ground beneath my feet holding me tight to the earth. My soul wants to laugh at everything because I am so happy to again be near. He walks up to me and his strong hands take my puffy cheeks into his grasp and pulls my face closer to his, kissing me with adornment. Our hands grasp together because they fit so nicely.... It is without question where they were supposed to be for so many years before....
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