No longer a precious friend.
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Posted:Dec 12, 2011 1:22 am
Last Updated:Mar 22, 2012 12:57 pm
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What does it take to make us turn on someone??? This is what I wrote about my precious friend a while back, and yes, I always cared about him, too much. For the latest, look below it. I have added a few words in capitals, to help you find your place if you have read this before.
My Friend's Heart Oct 17, 2011 4:48 pm
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I hold his heart in my hands, it's so precious, so fragile, I hold it so gently, lest I break it. He is so precious, that when he asks me to jump, I do ask how high? and he does not understand, that I want to jump exactly as high as he asks, not a millimetre lower, nor a millimetre higher, and that's a very tiny measurement, something close to a thirty second of an inch, not exactly, somewhere around that. He has no idea why, and does not want to impinge on my freedom, yet it is my very freedom that makes me choose to want to do exactly what he wants, whenever I am there in his company, and to want to have his company far more than I can. Nice????
How do I explain, that I just care about him? How do I explain that when he had his heart attacks, hospital visits etc, that I was crying my eyes out about him as well as his , that I had nobody to share with, as he was so out of it, that he didn't really know I cared, and worse still, he was so damaged by his ex that he cannot understand how or how much I care?
I do care so much that now that I know something I always suspected, I am trying to decide whether to just walk away, or what. He doesn't say it in so many words, yet he says it in others. In his own way, he suggests that I am somehow something unbearable, yet he also can be incredibly nice to me. It makes no sense at all, however he has not been on the planet a lot of the time due to both heart and other problems. Now I have to decide whether it is kinder to walk away, or kinder to stay, and when it comes to the crunch, any feelings of mine are not the issue here, as I sort of got over them a long time ago. Yes, I do love him, and yes, if it were a two way street, I probably would have gone there.
Only as time has passed, and I don't want to put another seven years into someone new, I do know that I really love this man, and I do know that I am not sure that I could love another like I have loved him.
Yet, somehow, I am not even sure anymore about anything at all, and all I want to do is walk away, and then the question arises, where to? . . . . ..
I WAS ALWAYS PREPARED TO BE A DOORMAT FOR HIM, NOT BECAUSE I HAVE NO SELF RESPECT, BECAUSE I UNDERSTOOD THAT HE WAS BADLY DAMAGED. MOST OF THE TIME, HE HAD NO IDEA THAT HE HAD BEEN THAT AWFUL.
Today he threw me out of his home, for daring to talk about our deal of being friends only, based on the concept that he felt I am only there for me. Now how insulting can you get?
I won't be back. It's that easy. Sure I still care, only I am not his doormat, was his doormat on a number of occasions because I knew that he was badly damaged. After throwing me out today, I feel he really crossed the line. He has had a functional heart for nearly two years. He has been free of her for about sixteen years. He has not had his living with him for about a year. He has had me being there for him, despite everything he dished up, just for his sake, over most of seven years. I walked that for nothing more than the love of both the dog, and to a certain extent him, it seems since about two months ago. Tomorrow he will have his to visit, and she will walk the while she is there. Then his will no doubt go home, only I am not going to offend myself any more by going back. It's not going to happen. He has several male friends, and several non-existent women chasing him. The males are real. They all care about his welfare, and I did up until today.
He's not a great deal. He has been very ill. I would rather do the job myself then have him do it, as these days his accuracy is awful. I am not being nasty, it seems that his sense of touch is damaged, and affects his ability to do things accurately. They say it's better done a bit skewiff than not done, and that is true, only if I have a choice of having him do it, or me do it for him, then I would prefer to do the job nicely if it is long term, under his guidance, than have it looking all skewiff for years to come, so even though he has so much knowledge, it would be a heavy burden to be his lady. I have known that for quite some time. It wasn't something I learnt instantly. It's something I learnt over time, and didn't care any less about him. What I do care about is being treated as if I am worthless, when I am not. I am just as highly skilled in my own ways, and he just keeps asking me to do more. I do have limits, when there is absolutely no physical relationship in my life.
I won't be back. He has lost me, unless he really rethinks what he has done, and then does an awful lot of crawling. As he is stubborn, he will never do that, so it really is over. He will have to find a new doormat, because throwing me out crossed the line, even if he didn't want to talk about the "friendship deal".
I am not interested in replacing him. I am not saying I won't chat here, or make new friends. I can't replace him, as he was very precious to me, and it will hurt having him gone, only every time I start feeling sorry for myself, all I have to do is remind myself of how 1) he was not prepared to listen to my side of the friendship deal thing, and 2) he threw me out straight after he gave me a fresh cup of tea. I don't need his tea, went home and made myself a lovely cup of tea. It was never about cups of tea. With a loved friend, even a glass of water tastes divine, as it's not what you share, it's that you share each other's company. Now that friendship is soured, to a point that I find so offensive, the concept that I was only in it for me, no, he will never grow up, and there is nothing I can do about it, so it will be really clever to stay away forever. Big word that, forever, and yet that is the sensible thing to do, no matter what.
Yet, it is hard to walk away. I did put so much of me into him. Yes, while he was in my life, I did heal lots, however I also gave everything I could to him emotionally, my time, my caring, my consideration, my undivided attention. Often I could not take in what he was telling me, as I was still so damaged. Today, I am far less damaged, and much more healed, so when he was telling me things, I was taking them in, and really appreciating his side of the friendship.
If you really feel uncomfortable discussing a subject, you can tell your friend that, only it's not fair that you have your say, and then shut them off. Friendship is two way, yes, even ordinary friendship, which means a good friend will listen as much as they will tell. It's vital. When that doesn't happen, and you throw your so called friend out, if they are smart, they will never come back, especially when you wouldn't even give them a chance to say how they felt. I had actually finished what I was saying to him, however I wasn't going to let him treat me as if he is the only one who can express themselves. Friendship is a two way street, just as relationships are, and when he crossed that line, he was already entering "wipe his feet on my heart" turf. When he threw me out, he crossed the line way beyond any reasonable return. He will have to grow up without me now, and find a way to win me back, or he will not see me any more.
I have forgiven him worse previously, only this time, I think I need to walk away, for my sake, as I have done enough. If I don't walk away, he will just do the same over and over in the future. I cannot put up with this kind of behaviour from him any more, as he is not a , nor my relative. I don't have to put up with that kind of behaviour from a friend, so for my sake, I must walk away, and this time, not just forgive. I need to feel that he will never behave like this again, if I am to let him back in my life ever again. I am not sure he will ever give me this reassurance, so I am very sad, even if he is wrong.
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trying to be nice
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Posted:Dec 5, 2011 5:36 am
Last Updated:Feb 11, 2012 12:55 am
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Oh, dear, I am at a loss for subject matter at this moment, as I am still glowing with delight at some new responses to my posts. It's always nice to have compliments, and in today's world, those compliments seem to be few and far between. Yet lots of people know that it is always easier to attract anything with honey than with acid.
So why are people so acidic? Hmm. That would take volumes to answer. Just the tip of the iceberg are things like how a parent treated them as a , how nobody ever did anything nice for them, and how life is just so tough.
My life has been more tough than anything else, and although I have told people about the bad things, for me they are just the things that happened in my life. When I chat to someone new, I really don't want to go on about those things, so I am really glad that I have been able to write about them here, and in that way, put them away, as I don't have to talk about them over and over. It's all in the past, as I have always wanted it. If someone wants to know, they can look in my blogs, right here, and I no longer have to repeat about this or that in my past, as it is written here for those interested to read about. Of course if someone has questions, they are welcome to ask, and I will answer as well as I can. Then it will be over! Isn't that wonderful?
So, after all the dramas in my life, I had moments when it was so hard to be nice, so hard to be positive, just every day is a new day, and if I just stay in the past, then my whole life will just be sour, so there is only one answer.
I choose to be positive, however in my case, from 2003, I had to wait a while to heal, and during that time, I discovered that it was best not to mix with anyone, as the people I attracted were very sick emotionally, only unlike me, most of them were somehow involved in the drug world, and my distress was not from drugs, but from real life, and they and I were not on the same planet. However I was not on the same planet as the rest of the world, and I really needed to just be alone until I healed a lot. So that is what I did in the end, just isolated myself until I felt maybe now it's ok. At first when I thought things were ok, and I was ready to mix, I found no, not ready, as I was still attracting others that were really not like the normal me, so it was back to stay alone. That was really hard, only now, I think I am much better, and by getting in here and blogging, it has really helped me heal even more.
I am not the type to stay as alone as I had to, so it was very hard. Only I was so damaged, that I was only going to attract people that were going to be more detrimental to me, and that left me with no other option than to isolate myself; so it was really necessity, rather than choice.
Now over the years, I have learned many things to make me the nicest, friendliest, kindest person I can be. I am sure that I am not perfect, only I work on the principles that if I judge, I can expect to be judged, if I criticise, I can expect to be criticised, if I am harsh or cruel, then I can expect the same, so I work on the principle that I treat others as I want to be treated. I want to be treated as if I am the most precious person on earth, as if it is the greatest thing that I am here right now, so there you have the basis for my behaviour. I do try very hard to treat others, as I would want to be treated, nothing more.
I don't just do it because what goes around comes around. That is part of it. I also do it, because if I sow positives, then others might feel inclined to do the same, and maybe the whole world will be sweetened. Maybe if I just work as hard as I can on my little part of the world, somehow it will avalanche into the rest of the world, as some things do. Only I know that because of all the negative influences out there, my contribution needs to be so much more than just a touch of sweetness. I need to put out so much more, so I work on trying to be the best me I can be, in every way, and when I have the time, I try to think of more effective ways I can be a positive influence on the world, other than working my backside off for others 24/7. I want to have a dynamic effect, without killing myself, and that takes thinking, which is why I work on thinking about ways that will put more positives out there with a lot less self abuse.
I am starting to feel like my old self. It's really nice.
This is starting to sound very boring. I have said enough. I hope the reader will forgive me. It wasn't deliberate, just trying to say things properly. Just the fact that I dragged it out so much, says, nope, not fully healed yet, could have said all of that in far less words, just not there yet.
I will let go and smile, 
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Another day
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Posted:Dec 3, 2011 11:38 pm
Last Updated:Feb 11, 2012 12:36 am
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Another day, and it was a different day.
I finished setting up the computer desk, made a lot of mess elsewhere to achieve that, and will have to do a lot more before things will look nice. Trying to achieve champagne results on a beer budget is a big ask, so I can only do my best, which is what I have done, and am happy enough with my outcomes. I just didn't expect to take all day to do it. Now I need to head off, as there is a waiting for me to walk her.
I can always come back here tomorrow, so peaceful.
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not much at all
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Posted:Dec 2, 2011 11:21 pm
Last Updated:Dec 3, 2011 10:19 pm
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I am not writing much here at all today, as I just wrote a reply to a comment left on "a very boring blog", and it sort of became a chapter, so that will do for today.
I feel so much better since I am not sick anymore. For those who don't know, I became innovative, and used Psyllium (husks), a large teaspoon in a bit of hot water, plus a large glass of water on the side, to heal my diarrhoea and it worked. I was very pleased with the outcome. It was pretty much instant, as I only had one more visit to the little room about an hour or two later, and that was reasonably short, so there is another new way of dealing with the runs.
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a very boring blog
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Posted:Dec 1, 2011 5:37 pm
Last Updated:Feb 11, 2012 12:28 am
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Yes I am here, and yes, I am better, what a relief!
There are things that I need to do, so I don't want to hang around here right now. Sorry!
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"sick"and "just thinking"! dangerous occupation
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Posted:Nov 30, 2011 8:21 pm
Last Updated:Apr 28, 2024 10:9 am
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I was just reading back my latest blogs, and I burst out laughing.
I read the one about I'm sick, then I skimmed to the thinking one, and read about the "mini thoughts".
Well, that's when I really cracked up, as I wondered if my diarrhoea could be attributed to too many "mini thoughts". According to my description they are just little thoughts passing through! Maybe I just had too many mini thoughts yesterday!
Sorry, really cracked up over that.
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My 's request for Christmas
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Posted:Nov 30, 2011 7:52 pm
Last Updated:Apr 28, 2024 10:9 am
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My sent me a multi media message, earlier today, only on the phone that is not connected to the internet, so hours later, I found the message in my email, a few minutes ago.
She sent a lovely picture of herself with a really pretty diamond necklace on her chest. Her message was:
Mummy.. This necklace is home to a 25ct. Diamond - $3.5million!!!! Can I have it for Xmas?
I think my reply was perfect:
Darling,
Of course you can have it for Christmas if you buy if for yourself, not a problem at all!
Love you,
Mum.
...and I just read her reply:
haha u r too funny. its hot though! biggest diamond i have ever seen!!
Isn't that just the sweetest????? I absolutely adore her.
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I'm sick!
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Posted:Nov 30, 2011 6:54 pm
Last Updated:Apr 28, 2024 10:9 am
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Yesterday at this time, I was starting to get sick, as yesterday morning around 9am our time, I had taken a digestive aid that is normally quite good, only this time, when I bought it, I had not looked at the "use by date", nor had I noticed that it had a reduced sticker on it. I would never buy that particular product when it was reduced, as it has a daily dosage, and unless you have at least five people who you buy it for, you are just not going to use it up before the "use by date". I do normally check it thoroughly.
When I bought it, I had been hurrying for some now unknown reason, so I didn't notice that on one side it had a reduced sticker. Maybe if the sticker had been on both sides I might have. As well, I don't think I even had my reading glasses with me, so I could not have known the use by if I wanted to, unless I asked someone to read it to me. I didn't think about it, just bought it, took it home, put it away without looking.
Even when I took it, (which happens to be first thing in the morning, to make sure I take all the bits I think are going to make me feel healthier, things like fish oil tablets, and a multi-vitamin iron thing in liquid form) I didn't notice the "use by date". I should have, as at this time I did notice the reduced sticker, mind you not the first time I took it, only the second!! I thought "wow, didn't realise that was reduced! I don't think I paid the reduced price. Gee I hope it's ok to use."
Then I took it, and yesterday I took the third dose of five. When I took it, I noticed the really foul taste, and as I was taking about three products, that one last, I thought, "that's strange, tastes terrible. Now which one was it?" I knew as soon as I sniffed the bottle, went "yuk!" I thought, "gee, I hope that doesn't make me sick", and went and had a coffee, doing the other things I do first thing. I totally forgot about that awful taste after the coffee, so when at lunch time, I felt really sleepy, I didn't even think anything of it, except that it's the middle of the day, why would I have a sleep? Then I thought, "ah, just have one, it's ok", so I went and slept for around four hours, totally oblivious to the rest of the world.
I did miss a bit of lead in here. Overnight there had been a really powerful thunderstorm, and it had just hung, directly overhead, and just hung there, one strike, another and more, and it was still around when I finally climbed out of bed, even though it had been around at bedtime. Even my cat must have been distressed, because out of the blue, she decided to sleep against me for the duration.
This thunderstorm definitely disturbed my sleep at least more than once, as I definitely knew of its' presence the whole time. I did choose to just pretend it didn't exist and sleep through it as much as I could. I suspect that I was quite tired when I did get up, just no point in worrying about it when you can't sleep, so I just got on with things the best way I could. I finally checked the place, and discovered no, that strike wasn't here, nor any of the others. My place survived. I wasn't so sure about others.
Ok, so I slept for several hours, about four, thought I'd feel better by now, so I put my clothes back on and did what you do, visited the bathroom. I didn't leave the little room for a half an hour. Then I decided to head for the hospital, as suffering diarrhoea is not a good thing. I took the product with me. The doctor said we don't do anything any more. I just looked at him in amazement.
As I don't live in the drug world, I really don't understand what goes on, am a touch aware, just perhaps not enough.
I think I made a mistake when I ate a bit last night, and this morning I was just on the loo over and over, and then I decided to stay with nothing but boiled water, did that for a while, and the bladder started to work normally, only the rest was still "nope".
In desperation I took some psyllium husks, the way that they tell you, with water, in my case boiled, and I mean with lots of water. The instructions say to make sure you have at least a glass of water with it, so I did. I had instant results, no more desire to visit the little room. That is so nice, so I have to wait and see if I am finally better, because of the psyllium, and it looks good, have managed to sit here and type this whole article without any desires to visit the little room. I have even had a coffee!
I do hope your day is less dramatic.
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About Christmas
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Posted:Nov 30, 2011 5:44 pm
Last Updated:Jan 1, 2012 3:57 pm
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I just posted this on someone else's blog, in reply to a post that he made, and a comment that someone else left as well. It's how it is for me:
""How does one explain that nobody visits? Why would one put up decorations? How does one explain that one just became too old and isolated to be of any real value in one's family anymore??
More than that.
How does one explain the sour taste of memories of this one, that one and the other all dying just before Christmas? and how Christmas can never be the same again, as it was all about those loved ones being in one's life?
It takes a strong person to just accept that it is over, and Christmas is a time when it's really clever to just take a day off and if one has someone to share it with, great, and if not, that's fine too. At least there is no pretence, no arguing, no negativity. It's just all peaceful, and if one wants, one can play music, or watch a movie, whatever, and I did watch "Life of Brian" recently, lots of laughs there.""
I did miss a bit. How do you, the happy person, explain to someone who lost everything on Christmas Morning when a cyclone hit, that Christmas is a good time??? Yes, they have had lots of time to get over it, only those memories will never be gone for them. While you and others can be happy, there are those in this world who will never find joy in Christmas, for this reason, for that reason, for perhaps a totally different reason, and it's kind if the rest of us can respect that.
Perhaps the fact is that, for us older people, yes, it's our job to make the younger ones find value in Christmas in some way, and maybe some of the older ones have done that too successfully, finding that and juveniles demand this, that and the other at Christmas, which would tell us that yes, maybe we have overdone the "pleasing of the younger ones". I do think that yes, it is my job to make Christmas pleasant for very young , as their wide eyed innocence is worth maintaining. In doing so, as a non religious person, I can no longer support teaching them religious stories.
What I can support is the sometimes forgotten human values of caring, consideration and respect.
I can encourage people to realise that Christmas was never about money, no matter what their faith or non faith.
For me, Christmas was always about looking after those who need emotional nourishment.
Yes, that is the best way of explaining it. On this, you may quote me anywhere.
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Umm, just thinking, and thinking, and thinking.
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Posted:Nov 29, 2011 9:30 pm
Last Updated:Apr 28, 2024 10:9 am
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Don't you sometimes find that you do so much thinking that nothing comes out in the end???
That's happening to me right now. I was just reading the latest response to my blog, have read several other blogs prior to that, and just became lost in all the different "mini thoughts". Don't you like that? I just come up with new original things at different times.
Ok, ok, I have to define it if I am going to invent it, only it's really not that hard to work out! That's the thing about me, I see myself as a designer, not an artist, as in I see a need and come up with a solution, nothing more, and it just happens to be artistic in it's final product, as I don't like things that look or are tacky as such. (LOL, in this case sound, not look!) I like things to be suave, sophisticated, attractive to look at, comfortable to use, and serve the purpose they were made for. If they don't, then there might be some who would ask how many millions I have, as my attitude is quite snooty. I love that word too. Pity I don't have the money to back up the attitude! LOL. (It is good though, because if I ever end up producing for an income, you can be guaranteed that only those with nothing better to do will actually find fault with what I produce.)
Now, back to that definition. A "mini thought" will be a thought that is very short in duration, and one that passes through, perhaps so quickly that it is forgotten before it actually cements itself. I like that, as it does explain why I called them mini thoughts, and I don't know about you, I do tend to have a lot of them, just small, inconsequential thoughts, and even sometimes consequential, just I think them so fast that they are gone before I have had time to pursue the issues raised in them. The only reason I find them gone in my case, is because another mini thought, or perhaps even a more tangible thought has replaced them, and I am busy paying attention to the new thought, a bit like a parent or teacher with an attention deficit, can only focus on one at a time!
Umm, yep, now on that subject, just have a look at my attitude! Note the number of times that smileys or other indicators turn up in my writings that really do suggest mirth, or at least a positive attitude. Even I am impressed, and it takes a lot to impress me! It looks like comments made early on in my blogging life were right! It does seem to be a good way of helping me heal so much more.
Something that has always saddened me, is that because I don't use substances, and make sure my drinking is always under control, (as in I work hard to ensure my drinking never goes to the point of slow deterioration of the mental faculties, as many in the past have done) and because I have always had good editorial skills, it's so sad that I have never found work in the print media. With skills like mine in both spelling and grammar, I should have found work years ago, and never have done. I also never had any kind of exposure in the print media as such, other than being editor of a Parents Without Partners newsletter a few years back now.
Life's like that. It's not what you know, and I have made sure there isn't that much I don't know, it's who you know, and most of the people in my past who today could help me get somewhere, are in the past, or they are looking at retirement, and I am only looking at starting.
Oh, well, now you know why I am working on establishing an income that grows for me. It's just a bit too late to start doing thirty years of work to create an income for my future. My future is already here. I now have to create an income that will be a lot like a growth curve, while extending out a bit, it needs to be extending up a lot.
Getting boring here, time to go.
I do hope all is good with you my reader, and that every moment of your life is one that you want to live. If you "enjoy" your pain because it tells you that you are alive, and if you "enjoy" the bad times, because without bad you can't have good, maybe that will be possible. I know the theory is great, and I do know that sometimes I have no chance of wanting to live every moment of my life. Having said that, I don't really regret any moment in my past.
I think for some of us, it's just really hard to accept our here and now, and I am in that category, always thinking it should be better like this or that, only how can my life be much better than it is? I have made most of it something pretty special just taking the time out to heal for the last few years, as well as all the other things I have done for me. Like most, I always see what could be construed as faulty, and rarely notice the wonderful things, oh, other than the beautiful colours of the world outside. That's another sidetrack, as I love "smelling the roses".
CYU,
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morning blog
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Posted:Nov 28, 2011 1:51 pm
Last Updated:Nov 29, 2011 6:44 am
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Good morning to anyone who is reading this in their morning. It looked nice outside, just the grass was still damp when I went out to check the fences. I haven't been out the back yet, still loving the way the computer is right here, where I can watch what is happening. I just looked out the window, and it's very overcast. It's strongly threatening to rain soon. I can't hang around, as if I am to do any of the things that make my life worthwhile, I will have to go.
It's really nice to be able to just quickly check in, between doing other things.
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Boring blog
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Posted:Nov 28, 2011 7:20 am
Last Updated:Feb 10, 2012 11:08 pm
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. . . another day over, and I love the results. I moved the computer to where I wanted it, so that I can notice things when I want to get things done, in a way, multi-tasking.
It's later than late now, as I am normally never up at 2am, just I was very busy during my day, cleaning this item, then that, and then one by one, slowly moving all the bits until now things are set up, and working. There are still a few bits to set up, only all the basic bits are up and running, things like mouse, screen, keyboard, and speakers, oh, and modem, can't go online without it.
I can't change my relative's mortality, just I can do things around home to make it more comfy. Last week wasn't very successful. I was rather distressed most of the week. Maybe there's something distressing about having Dad in hospital and my uncle passed away. Not only that, the frame that I was using for a new flyscreen is too big, seems the basic frame has become thicker over the years, only it doesn't fit into the window, so it seems I have to be resourceful to resolve this. Then there's a small matter of a new whippersnipper, delivered, taken for repairs, and still not home able to be used, so frustrating, so what do I do? I try to get the old snipper going. It had such a lovely feel to the frame, was really comfy to use. Well, I did replace the primer bulb, and three fuel hoses, only it seems that the other two fuel hoses, thought only one, but there's another one! Thought it was ok now, only the last two hoses need replacing also. I have to buy some hose before I can do that, and there's this tiny matter of will it even work when it's all done.
I am glad I sidetracked and moved the computer here. Now in summer it can be close to the cooling air, and in winter close to the fire's warmth, only good. I can also have it on when I am busy either watching TV, or doing something in the kitchen, as well as if I have climbed into bed, will see it any of these times, so it's really good, should someone want to chat. Then there are a few other little things that will be easier to resolve, like the scanning of stuff into the computer, will be easier if I can watch telly comfy while I scan, or do other things at the same time. It will be much better.
If you didn't pick up on that, from now on, when I am chatting to someone, I will be able to see when they have responded to my chat so that I can answer them, even if I am getting myself a cuppa or a meal! I think that's really good, as it's nice if a chat can flow instead of taking forever in between each sentence.
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Thu |
Fri |
Sat |
| |
|
|
1
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2
|
3
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4
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5
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6
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7
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8
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9
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10
|
11
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12
|
13
|
14
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15
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16
|
17
|
18
|
19
|
20
|
211
|
22
|
23
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24
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25
|
26
|
27
|
28
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29
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30
|
31
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