Overcoming my fears
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Posted:Jun 2, 2012 11:06 pm
Last Updated:Apr 27, 2024 7:54 am
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I just wrote this on someone else's blog, hopefully to inspire and to encourage. It's just something I went through in my life. I failed to add that as a result of what I did that night, I was no longer afraid of anything at all, for many years.
I failed to add that these days, if I am afraid, it must be pretty serious, because basically nothing ever scared me anymore. If you watch my behaviour, you will see, that yes, this woman doesn't seem afraid of much at all. Yes, I express "fears", only if you watch me, you are likely to notice that I don't tend to act afraid. I am not including my reactions to the major dramas in this. I am pretty much talking about before them, and now recently, since I have recovered so much. So, here it is:
I don't know if you are still around, and this piece of yours had me wondering. I do hope you are still around.
When I was all of twenty three, I had more problems than most people suffer in a lifetime, yet they were on my shoulders right then.
I was afraid that I might never see my two sons again, as I went through that custody case at the time. I was terrified that one day, his threats would be real, and as I opened the front door a bomb would explode as he had threatened. I was terrified that my future husband would be destroyed in the same way.
I was afraid that when we came home from somewhere, there'd be someone in the house. This was a sheer terror that gripped me. I was afraid of being assaulted again.
I was so scared of spiders, that there would be more of them, and jumped every time there was one. I was afraid that my fear would kill me.
I was afraid that one of his friends would fulfil another threat of his, and crash into the car as I was driving.
I was afraid that he would hurt a member of my family as he had suggested he might.
I was afraid, and more afraid, and more afraid, and it hurt my chest. Sometimes it would be so painful, and I'd get headaches as well, and pains in my upper back, where the muscles tied themselves into knots of fear and stress.
One night, I couldn't deal with any of this anymore, so this night, even though I had this new man next to me, fast asleep, who actually cared about me, and would support me and encourage me through all of these dramas, I was in so much chest pain, and it was shooting through my arm. I decided that I had to do something, as I didn't know if I would wake up in the morning because my fear could kill me.
So this night, I laid there, stretched my body out to full length, quietly tensed every muscle I could in my body, and felt every fear of mine at that moment, as fully as I possible could. I had decided that I would feel every fear that I ever had, so I felt the fear of spiders, of car crashes, of losing the , of ill health, and every other fear that I had, all in that same space of time, to the best of my ability, and tried to just feel it all fully, to either kill me or for me to survive.
Then I found no more fear, no more pain, and I had peace at last, and fell asleep.
When I woke up in the morning, I was surprised to find myself still alive. I didn't really ever share with that second husband, what I had gone through that night, as I really didn't want to alarm him any more than I had to, as I had been so scared before, and he was always there for me supporting me emotionally.
Over time, he taught me many ways of dealing with things, and what he didn't teach me, I learned in various courses that I attended.
Then for about fifteen years, I finally had peace, until outsiders interfered, not knowing, or maybe they did, and I felt it wasn't right to stay in that marriage. I have my suspicions, only having left the marriage, I don't think I could ever have learned what I have since, if I had stayed, and that is priceless.
It's sad that I had to leave that marriage to do all this learning.
Perhaps it would be sadder if I had stayed and never learned, so I am grateful.
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How lucky am I??
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Posted:Jun 2, 2012 10:29 pm
Last Updated:Apr 27, 2024 7:54 am
3026 Views
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Today is one of those days for me. I wanted to do things, and somehow it's just not going to happen, not today anyway.
Sometimes, when my day starts in an unexpected way, instead of me finding motivation, I come to a full stop, not ideal, just how it can be.
I am sure that I am not alone in this. I am sure that everyone has days when they just can't seem to get going, and for me, today is one of those.
I have read the new blogs of those I watch, and as usual, I loved a few that are written by one particular blogger. I have no idea how anyone can write so many blogs each day. I think it's fantastic, as I get the pleasure of reading them, and reading them takes a lot less time than setting them up, especially when a blogger adds photos, pics of various types, and all sorts of small details. It's really enjoyable.
Thank you. You know exactly who you are.
Now about that silly ding I had just a bit over a week ago. Firstly, I admit nothing. Secondly, I have to go through my insurance, because the damage is too expensive, so I will have to pay, no getting out of it in any way. . . . and both vehicles are driveable! So we are lucky! Could be so much worse as. . . .
Life is like that! 
I just keep thinking how lucky I am that it wasn't a lot worse, just a touch of a parking ding, and I think I am so lucky.
I just keep thinking that if the worst things in my life are a lack of money, and a few debts, with less pain than more, then I am so lucky.
I can still feed myself, dress myself, do my own cleaning etc., do lots of other things for myself. I am so lucky, and sometimes I have absolutely no idea how lucky I am, as I take all of this for granted. I just don't know how lucky I am, although I do know I am lucky. I may not have travelled, however I have the experience of others to learn from. I may not have gold and silver, however I have what I do need.
I don't need all those luxuries, because I have the greatest luxuries, and they were free, a mind that works more often than not, and a bunch of other free things that I prefer not to discuss in a forum as public as this.
... and I have this gorgeous kitten, that will grow to be a wonderful cat, and hopefully in time it will become a companion for my older, grumpy cat. I can only hope. The kitten itself is so wonderfully alive, friendly and sporting!
I hope all is as good as possible in your world!
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Supermarket issues.
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Posted:Jun 1, 2012 4:46 pm
Last Updated:Jun 6, 2012 7:46 pm
3863 Views
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I used to buy horseradish, in the form of 'cream', from my local supermarket. First they diluted it, probably because it was now a different brand. Then they deleted the product, so I ended up trying to buy horseradish seeds and growing it. In the end, I stopped eating horseradish. I actually need it in my diet for health reasons. Because of this, I am working towards having my own garden with all of the things I need in it, instead of relying on a useless self-centred supermarket.
I used to buy my bread making flour from my local supermarket. I loved that brand at the time, and was really happy with the results, as it had taken time and learning to perfect my loaf to the standard that suited me. Today I either grind my own flour to make my own bread, so they have totally lost me as any kind of bread product customer, or I don't eat bread. A lot of the time, I don't eat it now, as making it takes time. I do go elsewhere for the alternatives as well.
I used to buy dehydrated (dried) peas and corn, and also dehydrated beans from the same supermarket, only they deleted both of these products. Now I just don't get that nutrition in my two minute noodles. If I eat them, I have to accept that the nutrition side is not going to happen, because the only way I will get those products, is if I make them for myself. Now there's a thought.
Why am I so angry today? Guess!
Yep, they have now deleted my favourite brand of plunger coffee, and that's not the upsetting part. No other coffee brand makes the two varieties I like. They happen to be chocolate macadamia, and roasted hazelnut.
As I start my day today, I am furious, as I realize this supermarket chain is totally selfish, self-centred, and self-serving. I am not saying that other supermarkets are not heading the same way. What I am saying is that this particular supermarket was the one I was both loyal and faithful to, as in I always went there, and didn't tend to go to other supermarkets at all.
Only they have crossed the line, and now I will be looking at never using that supermarket again. This may take a bit of work on my part, only their share holders are going to feel the loss of one customer over time, if not already, and I don't have to mention the particular supermarket online, because pretty much everyone in Australia knows that select supermarket.
There might be a "few others" who also walk away for their own reasons.
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Most days...oh, this is a real rant! :))
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Posted:May 27, 2012 10:01 pm
Last Updated:Jun 29, 2013 9:48 pm
3668 Views
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On most days... I do visit here, and sometimes I only read other people's blogs, leaving no comments, saying absolutely nothing to support those I value, or to criticise those that I don't value.
Anyway, I have the attitude that there are enough dramas in life without me adding to them, so I do try to keep my negatives to myself. What I did notice with me, was that when I first started reading blogs, I'd react with what I consider a lot of negative criticism, and I had to leave my two pence worth each time. That was wrong of me, only I still had healing to go through, before I'd stop that.
Since then, I have healed a bit more, and now I tend to say nothing, unless it's positive, and sometimes I don't even say the positive. I find that if I see someone already has ten or fifteen comments on that blog, they don't really need my little comment as well, so I say nothing, and read the next blog.
Then there is a another issue, and that is the question as to why there are few or no comments on my blog any more, and I feel that this would be because someone has been doing some nasty work. Whoever that someone is, knows that I don't go into chat rooms, and no doubt is taking advantage of that, to say whatever they like about me. This person knows that I don't pursue or try to find out in any way, who they are. They know that I am not interested.
This person has an agenda, obviously, so now one asks, who? To me it's pretty obvious. That's ok, as those who defame others, end up suffering the consequences in their own lives, not from those they have defamed, no, from life itself. Please don't assume here, as it might not be who you think it is.
I have said before, that I believe that every nasty we dish out, and no, I am not immune to that, every single negative we ever thought or wished, goes out there, a bit like an email that can't be deleted, and one day, when we least expect it, it comes back to bite us, only not as an email. No, it comes back as a broken leg, when someone else would have suffered no injury, or a wheelchair for the rest of our life, whereas others can still walk, or whatever, just something really devastating to us, as in "to me".
I do believe that strongly, which is why I get upset at myself if I have criticised in a negative way. I get upset at myself if I have had one negative thought, especially when I feel angry enough to wish something as awful as "I hope that person gets hurt like they want to hurt me!"
It takes a lot sometimes to calm myself down, and remind me that no, this is not good. I don't tend to yell or scream, just say angry words to empty air, and if there were someone around, I suspect that I'd still say some angry words, only I'd feel even worse if they took notice other than to acknowledge that I had a problem at that time.
(I really don't like it if I have anger, as the only person who really gets hurt when we have anger is us, when that anger festers as an ulcer of a sickness that we otherwise would not have.)
I have to remind myself to be glad it's not worse, and that I am lucky that only this happened, as that could have happened, and how would I feel then????
Even though I don't go on about it, or share anywhere near the anger I feel inside, I still sometimes find some more of the incredible anger that I suffered as a result of my car crash and the other dramas.
Sometimes I can emotionally go to a place where only those with really bad tempers have been, as I feel the incredible anger I have over losing my car because of a young lady too lazy to comprehensively insure my car the day I waited one hour for that to eventuate, or the blind rage I get when another talks as if he has never done anything wrong, and I or another are incredibly not up to standard.
That's when I just feel so much anger, and I have to really keep myself together until I am in the right place to let go of that rage, without doing damage to anyone else or any living creature. Sometimes that can be so hard.
Then when I find some evidence that another idiot was around my home on booze up night, (Friday/Saturdays) as they went on their way home, and because they know nothing about me, thought they'd have a go too in whatever way. It's then that once again, I get so incredibly angry, and need to really take it easy, going and finding something to do, that's peaceful, or something to release the negative energy.
Right now, as I type this, it's as if sparks are flying around me, as some of my anger is expressed, even if in description, rather than actually expressed.
I am sure that someone sensitive like me, might find themselves feeling really physically hurt after reading this, so I do apologise for any pain you suffer from reading this. It's not deliberate as such. I don't want to hurt you.
However I do need to share that yes, I am aware of what goes on, and I think it's time I shared my attitude.
Here goes:
I think that there are people out there, with such small minds, that I really never ever want to meet them. I never want to know they exist, so I am happy if I never go out at night again, just so that I don't have to put up with their existance.
I am sorry, I should be understanding and nice, only I don't feel nice about idiots any more. I see them as a plague that some of us just have to suffer, and I am not interested in suffering them anymore. I just wish they'd disappear, for good.
I must identify here that an idiot is not someone with a lack of brains. In my eyes, an idiot is someone with no emotional ability to care about anything or anyone but their current purpose, whatever that might be.
If I go out, or I go into a chat room, there is a chance that I will be exposed to one of those idiots, and the way I tend to feel these days, there is every chance that I will make that idiot feel like they have been crushed verbally, as I can really have a way with words. That's another reason not to go into chat rooms. It's also possible that I will have nice people turn on me if I do that, and then I will lose those I value. That's not good either.
I don't know about you. In the past, within twelve months of me entering any chat room, my computer has expired, and I have had to acquire a new computer as a result. Since I have stopped going into chat rooms, my computer has not died.
I think that is another really good reason to think twice before entering a chat room.
Wow! I feel like I have just unloaded an enormous burden! My shoulders actually feel better!!
There is another thing that I have been thinking about recently, and that is in relation to something someone said to me a while back in a moment of spite.
What was said, was basically a suggestion that if I didn't get out there and try to make friends, I'd end up a lonely old person, and this morning, as I was thinking about that, and gossips, I am quite surprised at my thoughts in relation to that.
I decided that I'd rather grow old alone, and they can have all the friends they like, if those friends are like them.
I decided that when it comes to gossips, I am sure that they will never be short of a friend, as they try to out gossip each other, and constantly provide each other with new gossip to entertain them, at someone else's expense.
Thank you, I think I'd much rather grow old alone, and seeing I am ranting right now, I will add a touch more.
To me, all the nice men are either invisible, or attached, so the only man I am likely to find if I were to actively look for one, is likely to be one I'd much rather be without. To me, it seems a lot wiser to forget that yes, I was looking for the right man for me, and I do mean the right man for me, not just "Mr Right".
From my perspective, Mr Right may have really good looks according to the rest of the world, only in my eyes he is ugly, as all I can see is the way he puts me down, as if I were inferior.
Mr Right probably has zillions of dollars to his name, only he can't last more than a short time in the company of a nice person, as he only knows business, and has no other communication skills.
Mr Right may have a negative habit, and chances are it's well hidden, so it's clever not to assume with any man, as it's possible he may be that man.
Mr Right is popular, as he provides food for the critics and the gossips, not someone I would find it easy to wear.
As none of this suits me, and I want "Mr Right For Me" to love me, and be there for me, this other man is just someone I never want close to me. I am quite happy if he defames me, and criticises everything about me, as while he is doing that, he will be totally unaware of the lady he has just put down.
It suits me completely that Mr Right has no time for me, no consideration for me, because he has no idea as to how I rubbish him in my mind, and yes, that is something I should not do, only I just find him so offensive, that I am really happy when he finds his "perfect lady", as she is just as artificial as he is, so yes, I have been on this site for a while, and no, I don't always make lots of friends that are visible, only the friends I make, tend to be real, and they know what I am, and they know that I am really what I present as, and perhaps a lot more in a positive way, and that means everything to me.
So thank you to those who do really know me, and actually like me. I do like you too.
Thank you to those who actually care about me. . .
. . . and nothing more needs to be said, as I have definitely unloaded, and . . .
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Stand Back Up
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Posted:May 25, 2012 3:55 am
Last Updated:May 25, 2012 4:01 am
2206 Views
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Stand Back Up I copied this here, as I really relate to it. The bullies of this town never gave me a break for the first eight years of my life here, and as a result they brought me back to life, by bothering me until I just locked this place up totally, and secured it in every way to stop them from bothering me any more. Yes, they can still do things, only I have made me feel safe, despite what they still could do, and that's what needed doing. I needed to heal to the point where I felt safe again. Here is the post:
Someone once asked me, "Why do you always insist on taking the hard road?" I replied, "Why do you assume I see two roads?"
Go ahead and take your best shot, Let 'er rip, give it all you've got,
I'm laid out on the floor, but I've been here before,
I may stumble, yeah I might fall, I’m only human but aren't we all?
I might lose my way, but hear me when I say,
I will stand back up, you'll know just the moment when I've had enough,
Sometimes I'm afraid, and I don't feel that tough, but I'll stand back up,
I've been beaten up and bruised; I've been kicked right off my shoes,
Been down on my knees more times than you'd believe,
When the darkness tries to get me, there’s a light that just won't let me,
It might take my pride, and tears may fill my eyes, but I'll stand back up,
I've weathered all these storms, but I just turn them into wind, so I can fly,
What don't kill you makes you stronger, when I take my last breath,
That's when I'll just give up,
So, go ahead and take your best shot, let 'er rip, give it all you've got,
You might win this round but you can't keep me down,
'Cause I'll stand back up, and you'll know just the moment when I've had enough,
Sometimes I'm afraid and I don't feel that tough, but I'll stand back up,
You'll know just the moment when I've had enough,
Sometimes I'm afraid and I don't feel that tough,
But I'll stand back up
sugarland
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If...
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Posted:May 24, 2012 5:54 am
Last Updated:Jun 17, 2012 6:21 pm
2464 Views
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If you want the lights off, go pay a lady of the night!
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Daily boredom
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Posted:May 23, 2012 8:06 pm
Last Updated:Jan 21, 2014 4:35 am
2757 Views
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Hello again,
Just saying hello to those who wonder where I have been.
I had my chainsaw fixed, and by the time that was done, I wasn't in so much pain anymore, so I was brave and had a go. Then the chain flew off, so I had a go at putting it back on. Thinking back, I don't think it's on correctly, yes, over the bar, no, not correct back in the housing, so I will pull it apart again soon and see if I can rectify the situation, before attempting to use it again.
In between all of this, I sold my car, so now I have spent some of that money on registering my truck. It's the last of my vehicles, not worth a lot, just "reliable" as they say. It looks like garbage, goes like any "canardly-rolls", and even though maintenance can be expensive, it doesn't need much maintenance, or if you like, doesn't need it often like a car. Of course if one doesn't check the oil and water levels, it might need more maintenance, and it pays to keep the filters good.
I looked at the price of motor scooters, and how much money I had, and in the end, I decided to wait for the scooter, and buy things I feel I really need right now, so a few items later, it was pretty much gone.
Then I saw a kitten, and now I have a cuddly cute kitten, that is actually cuddly and cute, not moody like my other cat. I can't blame my other cat. I was given her when I was still a mess, and probably a typical mid-life female. (Not saying more than that, or referring to the mood swings or the angry outbursts! Nor to the fact that I think I was given a feral cat! )
With thirteen goldfish, I now have sixteen pets! Lovely. I am still missing the right second dog. I will have to wait for that, as I bought sensible things, like a ladder, and a replacement fishpond water pump, yes, boring things like that, and left clothes off the list, as I need underwear, not clothes right now, and decided the underwear can wait, as unlike some, I need to turn over every cent five times. (Three is definitely not enough. If I only turn it over three times, I spend it, so it has to be five, and then I have forgotten what I wanted to buy, so I don't! )
The thing I am most happy about, is that in all of this, I finally bought my long ladder. I am still not sure that it is long enough, need to actually try it out, and that sounds a bit scary, considering the first time I fell off a ladder was because two steps failed, and I had a drill in my hand as I fell. The terrible part was that my was watching as I fell, and I think he suffered more than I did, just from watching me fall!
I was very lucky that time, falling onto concrete, yet not getting injured as such, not hitting my head, and getting up slightly bruised and nothing more. Oh, and the drill was fine! . . . even though I had fallen onto it!
The second time I fell off a ladder, there are suspicious questions that I have asked, only I will not air them at all, as they might be totally wrong. However the ladder was supposed to carry one hundred kilos, and I was only eighty eight kilos at that time. The wonderful news is that I am back to that weight now. I never thought I'd ever get below ninety, as I went up to ninety five kilos after falling off that ladder. I still have more weight to lose to get to a weight I am happy with, though not as much any more.
The ladder failed to hold my weight, and flicked apart at the overlap point, dropping me like lead. It was overlapped correctly, and I was not above the third top step. You couldn't miss the warning, as it was a bright red, black and white sticker.
I hit hard, yet the fall wasn't that far. My whole shoulder was so jarred, that I couldn't move without agony. The doctor has said that I will heal, only it has taken a few years to get beyond incredible pain. Chain-sawing actually seems to give it relief, except for the weight of the chainsaw.
I find that my diet really helps with the pain. If I eat correctly, I suffer little or no pain. If I eat the wrong foods, I suddenly suffer incredible pain again.
No, I am no hero. Men do this kind of work every day. They just seem to handle it better than I do. Anyway, I am only doing it for myself, not others at present.
So, now I have the new ladder, I can only try it out, and hope this time, I have finally acquired a "safe ladder", and yes, I do know what is safe to do, and what is not. I won't be taking any risks that I can avoid with this ladder. I am happy to use it "A" frame, and will be ever so careful if I have to extend it at any time. I don't want to ever fall off a ladder again, as I am sure I nearly died from the last fall. I can't remember which year it happened. I was barely able to move for a long time after it happened. There were real issues. I am glad that I have healed as much as I have.
Because I know what can happen, I will be very careful if I let anyone new into my life these days, making sure that I do everything I can to protect myself until I feel that person is safe, just as I intend to do with the ladder.
Ok, I have lots of things to do still, so I must go.
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My take on bi-polar/ what some call manic depression.
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Posted:May 19, 2012 3:25 am
Last Updated:Jan 21, 2014 4:32 am
2829 Views
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A few years ago, I met someone who was bi-polar. Like most, he denied it, although he had been diagnosed. He attempted suicide at least once, on which occasion he ended up in the psych ward, and being assessed.
He refused to take medication, so I watched his behaviour over a period of time, trying to work out how to help him survive those times when he was on a low.
One day, he rang me, and by the end I had said (in total frustration) "we need to work out what sets your downers off". He told me he'd have to have a think about that, and I thought, oh dear, I have blown it.
Prior to that, I had said words to this effect: You know, when you're on a high, you believe that you can do anything, and if you go for a job, you usually get it, because you believe in yourself, and sell yourself really well. Only when you're like that, you believe that you are "God", (as in superior to everyone, including the boss) and won't listen to anyone or do anything that is suggested to you. That's why when you're like that, I don't usually stay on the phone, and hang up really quickly. Then you head for a downer, and while you were on a high, it was easy to get the job. Once you head into a downer, it's much easier to talk to you because you go into almost a female mode, of "I don't know what to do", and you happily listen to any suggestions and even try them. Only on a downer, you can be so low that you feel worthless, and there is a risk that you will take your life. That worries me, which is why I have been trying to work out what triggers your downers. Then when you go back on a high again, you are so superior that you end up losing your job. Sometimes on a downer you lose your job too, because you feel so incapable.
He heard all of this, and when I mentioned the losing your job, he cried. I was a touch blown away, as I was not ready for this reaction. In between the tears, he said "you don't know what it's like to lose over twenty five jobs!" I was astonished. I knew he had lost a few jobs, had never really thought about how many he might have lost.
As I said, he finished the phone call by telling me he'd have to think about it, and I did let him go with concern, wondering if I had not totally ruined everything.
About a week later we were back on the phone. I asked how he was, and he said: good thank you. Then he continued to share how he had thought about what we had said. He said that when he sees that he is starting to go down, he goes to bed and has a sleep for a while. I was astounded, so I asked him, "and how do you feel when you wake up?" He said that he felt better. I asked "do you feel this really works?" He said yes, he feels so much better. I was astounded, and I thought about how he had mentioned working incredibly long days, with only about five hours sleep per night, and how that always set his downers off. He shared how he worked late evenings sometimes, and that was fine, only by the time it was over, when it was so late, it would set him off. At this stage, I was hearing, and not really registering, as it just seemed so incredible.
Today that man has a regular job, has kept it for a long time, perhaps a few years, and any time he has felt he wasn't handling things, he remembered that he didn't do well if he had a lack of sleep, so when situations arose, he'd make sure that he shut any negatives out, and headed for sleep until he was better.
He has been in touch with me a few times, and I think he has really gained control.
Please do not misunderstand me, everyone is a little different. This solution seems to be working for quite a few people, just there are still some who it will not work for, because their condition is not due to sleep deprivation. It is however a positive, as preventing a suicide in anyone is positive for them and those who care about them.
If this helps your friend, that will be delightful. If it doesn't, then that will be sad, as these people need understanding. Just there is so much more to bi-polar than this, as there seem to be a number of facets to the disorder, that have nothing to do with the part of things that I have mentioned.
I am aware that there are bi-polar sufferers, who have really grand delusions, and will go out just to "fuck". I am not judging them, only expressing what I know. I have been told by the wife of one, that they will go out and if they can, they will happily "fuck" over thirty different people, male/female, no matter, in one night of debauchery, and then go home to their wife as if nothing had happened. She shared that she found out by accident, and this does raise issues, that those of us who are more cautious are aware.
Another sufferer of bi-polar, shared with me, about his nights out, and he basically said similar, only he said that he would drink to extreme excess, and if he could get his hands on substances, he'd take anything he could get his hands on. I was mortified by what he revealed, and then he shared that he'd try to take any girl home that he could, get up to as much as possible with as many females as possible. He also shared that a lot of his achievements with women were in his mind only. By this time, I wasn't dealing with what he had shared too well at all. Only it was an honour that he trusted me enough to share all of this with me.
He was quite sincere when he shared all of this, as at this time he was under control on medication, and I had known him in those times before he had taken medication. It was so sad, as for the sake of giving him a somewhat "normal" life, all his creativity and artistic nature was destroyed, or if you like shut down.
He may have been a fruit-loop while he was sick, only his artistic output was incredible, and then when he went on medication, yes, he was no longer a danger to himself and others, just he also lost his artistic streak to the point that his artworks now were incredibly muted and colourless, and plain, so to speak.
In any situation, there are answers that work for some, and don't work for others, only with these disorders, scientists are still developing their understanding of them, as they have various facets and shades, and everyone being different, one person will behave or react in a completely different way to another suffering what the professionals see as the same disorder. That makes it hard for the layman, and even for those trying to study or learn about these things.
I wrote most of this in a comment on another blog, and felt that there are those who would benefit from reading it, so I decided to copy my comment to my blog, and therefore share it with others who might benefit from it.
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I am absent at present.
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Posted:May 7, 2012 9:32 pm
Last Updated:Jun 29, 2013 9:59 pm
2833 Views
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It seems I hurt myself when I did tree trimming and chainsawing.
I have been in some kind of pain ever since, only the other day I couldn't move very well at all when I awoke. Then the next day my whole body was sort of frozen, only it wasn't from the cold, just frozen as in immobile when I awoke, so I rang someone up.
To cut a long story short, I am in constant pain, and the doctor said it's a torn muscle, so I have to be very patient. I had money to buy wood, only the person I was buying it off, said that load was for someone else, and I had other expenses that I took care of. Now I don't have the wood I need to survive, so I just don't light the fire. Maybe next payday, there will be wood for me, and maybe by then I won't be in so much pain. . . a lot of maybes.
In the meantime, I need to rest, and yes, it's painful sitting here, so knowing me, I will visit despite the pain, only sometimes, not much.
I have no idea as to what is more urgent, registering my truck, repairing/replacing the chainsaw, buying wood, no idea anymore, as it's all urgent, then there's buying the motorscooter, and becoming licensed, and that costs too, and my car is going for so little that there won't be enough for all of that. I will be lucky if I get some of it done, as mechanics find things that we never knew could go wrong, wrong with our vehicles.
I am going. This is making me sad, and it's important that I stay positive to survive and to heal more than anything, so I will go, and I will watch a few movies to take my mind off things, and worry about whatever whenever.
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I am in awe.
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Posted:May 4, 2012 8:05 am
Last Updated:May 19, 2012 4:35 am
2690 Views
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Sometimes I just can't do better than someone else's post, so I log out, which is how I feel today.
I just read a post that is so beautiful, that I am asking myself all sorts of questions about the author.
There are few people in this world who are really up there, and then again, some just appear "up there", while others really are. It all makes me wonder, in the nicest way, and that's good, as in some other places, I feel all hope is lost, and that's life.
We can't have everything we want. We can't have everyone we want in our lives. In fact, some who we value so much, are ever absent, and it hurts, and the only thing to do, is enjoy the memories, and be glad that they touched our lives.
I am thankful that certain people touched my life. My heart breaks so much that they are gone, and I will never see them again. I do care about them, just as I care about those in my life.
I am thankful that there are people who value me enough to ring out of the blue after a year or three, and just stun me that they are thinking of me, and do have good memories of me, as I sort of thought they were gone for good.
I am not only thankful for these people, I am really blown away, never thinking I would ever hear from them again, so it's so nice to get that phone call out of the blue.
I might never ever have wealth of a great fortune, however I will always be rich in so many other ways, that if I ever am stupid enough to regret not having fortune, then I will indeed be a fool. But then the best of us are the greatest fools. Maybe that's what makes us great, the fact that we really are incredible fools.
Sorry if that's a bit too deep for some. Sometimes I find it hard to express what I am feeling, and when that happens, I can say things that are a bit out there for some.
Ok, now it's very late, and I have been busy cursing my no longer working chainsaw, and doing other things while I try to gain control of my life. I am not sure I will ever have any kind of control over my life. It's just too full of things to do, and I don't mean the wonderful travel and visit type things. I do mean the boring every day things that when you rely on your skills to survive, are vital.
I am not sure I could live like the rest of the world ever again. I just seem to have entered this world where every day I do things that nobody else would do, not wonderful things like helping out a charity, nope, things like fixing this, that and the other, and somewhere in between trying to do a touch of housework, only I never succeed at that anymore, too busy doing "men's work" around the place.
On that note I will finish this blog, so that I keep the tone of it the same as it started, in awe of others, and their wonderful ways.
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..happy to be me right now . .
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Posted:May 2, 2012 5:09 am
Last Updated:Apr 27, 2024 7:54 am
2259 Views
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... I am happy to be me . .
Today I did something to make me feel that touch more secure, and I am really happy that I did it, as it really does make me feel just a bit more secure. More than anything, it makes me feel better, and that is far more important than whether I am actually more secure than before... I feel more secure... and that counts for far more.
Don't you like it when you feel safe?
Yesterday the chainsaw failed, and that bothered me, as I really wanted to achieve a lot more than I had done. It's not so bad anymore though, because I feel that I have finished all the basic learning. Now I feel that what I need is staying power, and practise.
Of course I also need a chainsaw that works, only right now, that is not possible. Life is like that.
Just when you think you have it all solved, another problem arises.
. . .and now for a different direction . . .
I have said this once before, only I say a lot in my blogs, so it might be easy to miss this:
A long time ago at school, I'd "love a boy". You know, like girls do. Then one day he'd say something or do something, and next thing I didn't love him anymore. Instead I loved that boy! I loved the new boy so much that sometimes it would hurt! Do you remember those days? Next thing he did something, like pick his nose, or a new boy came along, and I'd be in love with this other one. I could never love another like I was in love with this boy. I had never ever been so in love with anyone as I was with this boy, and he didn't even know I existed!!! ... as often happens in childhood.
So I grew a bit older, and I met this one, then that one, and now it tended to be a two way street, and if it wasn't, I just wasn't interested. More often than not, he'd be interested, and I just wasn't, only there were plenty that were interested, and it wasn't long before someone worthwhile would turn up.
Each "new love" was stronger than the last, greater than the last, and each time I loved a new young man, I loved him more than I had ever loved anyone ever before, and could never ever love anyone like that again.
Then it didn't work out, was over, and that was that.
I'd feel so fickle, as I found someone new. There were times when I could not understand how I could possibly have feelings for someone new. The way I had felt about him was so great!
Now you are wondering if I am for real. Only what does happen, is that the more you love, the greater your capacity to love becomes.
So while I was feeling fickle, it wasn't the issue at all. The issues were very different.
Like the young men, I was young, immature, and still had a lot of learning to do. While I was at a certain stage, I'd attract a certain type of male, and as I changed, or he matured before me, we'd outgrow each other, and we would end up moving on.
I think this tends to happen a lot in youth, and it takes something special between two people to stay together through the various stages, partly dedication, partly commitment, only I feel that without an incredible bond of some kind, plus a real love for each other, it's not possible.
In fact, I feel that there are so many negatives when it comes to a couples ability to stay together.
Perhaps the great thing is that the more you love, the more you can love, so while a few years back you merely cared about someone, now you might have a really powerful love for them, or you may have moved on to find a new love that you never ever thought possible.
To me that ability to love more than before may be because as we age, we attract people more like ourselves, and we learn lessons along the way, so that those we get closer to are people we actually want to get closer to, and as a result if love is the outcome, it will be a stronger more wonderful love.
Only a thought, and perhaps worth considering.
.. oh, there's something you might have to take into consideration here. This is coming from someone who has lost everything, not once, not twice, but a number of times. For someone like me, even though I do value my home and my various possessions, they are only things, as they can be destroyed or taken away just like that, and if you are not prepared, it can be really devastating. It's not that I can easily lose everything. Each time, it's still devastating, just my attitude is easier, as I know that my possessions are not what makes me.
When some of us have lost everything over and over, we develop a love for people, for ourselves, for our personal skills in every area, and it no longer matters what certain others think, only what we feel about ourselves, and perhaps what a select few say to us, as we know that they are caring people like ourselves, and therefore deserve their place in our lives.
Perhaps this is why I get told, that I make friends easily, and when I feel that I have lost people, I am told, you will be fine, just be patient, they will come back, and then next thing I know people from the past find me and get in touch, and remind me that there are people who do value me out there. I just forget sometimes when I am in my dramas.
Now about those dramas, it's easy to feel like "I am the only one who suffers!" Only this is not true. Life is full of dramas and problems and issues, and if there aren't any problems or issues or dramas in our lives, then either we aren't living, or we are living in seclusion, away from the rest of the world. Those who are away from these things are indeed lucky, because for the rest of us life is full of constant challenges, and maybe someone is right, maybe I am much more healed than I realise at present.
I just don't feel that healed yet, find I do a lot wrong, and have real concerns about my ability to live out there in the real world yet.
Ok, I have said plenty once again, and can only hope it's all good for you.
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and this was sent to me today . . .
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Posted:May 2, 2012 4:00 am
Last Updated:May 6, 2012 3:46 am
2360 Views
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QUOTE FOR TODAY:
Life is like a penis --- simple, relaxed and hanging freely.
It's women who make it hard !!
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To link to this blog (oneladybrijit) use [blog oneladybrijit] in your messages.
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