It may be past . . . only . . .
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Posted:Mar 18, 2012 2:47 pm
Last Updated:Apr 27, 2024 8:30 am
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The other day, I caught up with one of my sons, due to his birthday. In our conversation, he casually added "Dad said to say Hello". He also informed me that his father is having his "bail hearing" and told me the date, sometime last week. As I don't really want to know anything about the man, at the time, it went in one ear and out the other.
This is the man who, now thirty years ago . . . strangled me until my body went limp and I started to black out on one occasion.
. . . . tried to throw me off a balcony about three metres or ten feet above a concrete driveway, only I grabbed him so he'd go with me, and clung for dear life.
. . . . threw my head, like me with the back of my head against a brick wall. That's a double brick wall, proper full brick house that one, and caused what a herbalist at a later date told me was a "medulla lesion", which means that you lose control of your emotions, and act like a loony tunes.
. . . . sexually assaulted me on another occasion, causing the eventual birth of my second , and today I don't know if that is actually his, because the assault happened on the 14th June 1980, and I met and got close to another man on the 26th September 1980, and when this was born on 4th March 1981, the attending doctor said he was 14 weeks premature, underdeveloped lungs, unformed fingernails, underdeveloped stomach. For the first two years of his life, this of mine had nothing but health problems, and yes, I did love my , and always have loved him, just I am sensible enough to know that there is nothing I can do for this boy, as he has been into drugs, and I cannot deal with the outcomes. It is too much for me.
. . . threw my legs at a concrete floor (with vinyl flooring over it) to smash them permanently. Every ten years, I now get swelling in one of my knees, and a doctor said I have "bursitis".
Sorry, I don't normally discuss any of this. It is past, and for me ancient history, however that man clearly explained to me that if I found a dead mouse or someone else found a dead mouse on their doorstep, it's a warning "next time you are dead", and as cats do kill mice regularly, it's important to know the difference. He also told me other warnings and threats, so saying "hello" from jail is a death threat also, very clearly to me, just I am clever enough to take it with the grain of salt that is needed here. It's also about a year or so, since I found not only a dead mouse which my cat had not killed on my doorstep, but my bin was burned out and left in the middle of the road as well. Only I had done nothing to bring any of this on, as I am not like my first husband, and I am definitely not part of the drug world, as I hate what it is, and what it has done to not only my life, but others as well.
He also threatened ever so clearly "One day, you don't know where, you don't know when, I will kill you. I will be a thousand miles away, and I will kill you. It will be a friend, someone you trust." I have made sure a number of people know that he made this threat, and that is the end of it for me, as what is more likely to kill me, would be the fear of that threat being carried out. That is what he depended on, the fear factor, and then of course, if that didn't work, he'd add the possibility of the death threat being carried out.
Now for him to send the "hello" from jail, he must be thinking that somehow I have something to do with him being there. Well, he never was the full quid, or he'd know that I have absolutely nothing to do with it. It's like him blaming me for . . .now you had better tell me what he blamed me for, as I do have no idea.
What I do know is that I did work very hard to get out of that marriage from the day he beat me up, three days after we were married. Oh, didn't I tell you about that? Sorry, I forgot. He beat me up so badly, with a leather belt, very trendy at that time, covered in little pointy studs, around the top of my legs, and my upper legs, not only the back where he had hit, the front as well, right around the tops of my legs and all over the lower part of my backside, covered in black and blue and yellow and green and purple bruises for a whole week or more, and I could not sit down without pain for that first week, and why did he do it? He did it to show me who was boss, no other reason.
Being me, that day, when he did that, I did try to leave. I ran outside screaming, and ran down the road, only I did not know the area I was in, had never been near there in my life, so it was all unfamiliar territory, which is what men like him do. It's very deliberate, I will get back to that. Ok, so I run outside, and down the road. It's a major highway, with cars passing constantly.
Nobody stopped. Nobody cared. Tears were streaming down my face, and nobody helped, so I determined, that one day, somehow, I would leave this man, and when I had that first it looked even harder, and then when he made the first threats, it looked even harder, as he said then, "if you leave me, and you take our , or , I will come and shoot the first, then I will shoot you, and then I will shoot myself", and sometimes when I remember, I just wonder if it would not have been kinder for me to leave and take the , and it could have all been over then, only I left without the , which were only supposed to be one , so he raised my two boys, against my wishes, only I knew to allow this to happen, if I wanted us all alive, so I did.
(Ok, getting back to that theory. Men like him, deliberately isolate a woman from her family and from her support network, so that they can have control. Then they assault her at least once, to make sure she knows to obey them. It's an old fashioned tactic, and I don't know if young men do it now. If I catch them, they will be answering to me, because I will protect the woman, and this is when I can make enemies, as once the young man knows that I will not put up with his behaviour, he now turns on me as well as his woman, only he does not realise that I have been there before, and I can survive, as I did survive, and if I have anything to do with it, I will also survive this young idiot.)
You think this is bad, they are the nice bits. Here is the really gruesome bit. He told me that he would cut my cat into a thousand pieces, and put it on my doorstep, and when I found it, it would be a message that I was going to be killed. I had living, as in daytime nightmares, about this again and again over the next year or so. I kept seeing the vision of my cat all cut up, and then one day, my came to stay with me on access, as that had become the way things were. He told me how he had found my cat in the pipe, (a big piece of pipe in the playground for to play in) all cut up and bloody. My thought that others had done this, and there was no way, that I could even think to the point where I could really say anything, as the nightmare had come true, only not for me, for my . How cruel can you get???? The good news is that the nightmares finally stopped, as it had happened.
... the man told me other gruesome things, and right now, I am remembering with discomfort. The reason I do not want to share, is because there is always an idiot who will copy something that they read somewhere. Sometimes it's better not to share all. It's enough to say that the man told me he would do things which are really really gruesome, and he said he would do them to me.
..... today that man is in jail, for killing a man at the beginning of last year. Am I happy about that? Not really. In a sense, I am glad that he is in jail, as he did terrible things to me all those years ago, and got away with them. Not only that, he got to keep my after doing those things to me, as our system needed some kind of concrete evidence, and I was really too messed up at the time to begin to give the evidence needed. Not only that, there were no real laws protecting a woman from a husband doing those things to her, as she had previously been a "good and chattel". That was only changed in 1964. Then on the 30th June 1980, in marriage laws were introduced, only about fourteen or sixteen days too late for my case, oh, so sad.
Life is like that.
I look at things this way when I am feeling myself. I am alive, and I produced two really beautiful who are now young adults. Those two , are not part of the world I grew up in, nor the world of that man. They are in their father's world, and even if I am not there, it's ok, because I know that I did succeed, and that is everything to me. I did succeed in raising two of the nicest young adults you will ever meet, and if that changes ever, it will be your or someone else's doing, not mine, so whoever causes the change will be responsible, not me, and I have the knowledge in my heart, for as long as I am conscious, that I really did succeed.
Until I get damaged, or lose consciousness, that can never be taken away, and if it is, my identity gets taken away, so it won't matter, as I won't be me. Get it??? NO??? Tough. I can't change what my two oldest are, only I did succeed there to an extent too, as both of those young men are a lot nicer, and a lot softer than their father/father figure, so whatever he is, whatever he does, I have won, because I did change the world.
...... whatever that man might achieve in a negative way today, that's fine, as I did succeed in my way. I have my message out there, that there are people like him, who will do things that should not be done, and they may always exist, because male hormones make men "war" and women like me cannot change their hormones. What women like me can do, is make it clear that we will not be part of their life, and no matter what a man like that does, threat or none, implied or not, a woman like me will never ever willingly be part of his life again, so yes, a man like him might be able to force a woman to do this or that. He can never get a woman like me to voluntarily do anything he wants, ever again.
. . . having said that, a man like him will want to save face, so he will attempt to use coercion to get a woman to tell the world, that what I just said here is not true, at any time that he can.
I am telling you that no matter what a man like him forces a woman to do at any later date, the fact stands that he did these things, and if you noticed, you have no idea as to who he is, nor who I am, unless you are someone I know personally, and who has been told that this is me, so no, it's not out there at all, however the message is ... and that is what counts.
I do hope your day is a lot better than mine today, as I am not feeling the best, only I will get over it, as I do everything else. If I don't get over it, it won't be for a lack of trying, so if I am not pretty enough for you, and my teeth offend you, go away. If my home is too messy visually for you, and you can't see what is underneath, go away. I do not need people like you in my life.
The sort of people I need in my life, are caring, understanding, not awful people.
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I don't like bullies . . .
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Posted:Mar 18, 2012 3:51 am
Last Updated:Mar 22, 2012 3:28 pm
3096 Views
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At school I bullied the bullies, because I don't like bullies, and they did bully me. Because my parents were from a country that had been an arch enemy of this country, I did cop it at school.
It went like this: "what nationality are you?" I said "I don't know". The response was strange. "Why don't you know, you should know", "it's where your parents came from". "Huh?" "Tonight when you go home, ask your Mum and Dad where they came from, that's your nationality." I went home, and discovered that my parents were from Germany, so the next day, I said they were from Germany, and was called "sauerkraut".
Oh, sorry, I didn't forget. You don't forget things like that. After that, I was picked on again and again. The more I stood up for myself, the more I'd have team up against me, the little darlings. Only, our school was an international school, so while these were picking on me, they were leaving the Spanish, French, Italian and all the others alone too, as they were focussing on one little girl, who stood up to them. I ended up on detention over and over, because I wouldn't put up with anything. When I went home and told Mum I was being picked on, she told me to hit them, so I did, and that's why I spent days and weeks on detention. One day I stopped listening to my mother, because her way was violent, and at school I learned that violence gets detention. Are you starting to get the picture?
The funny part is that I was born here, and today many people cannot tell me from the rest of the population, because I am as australian as the next australian. Only these days there is barely an australian that has "australian parents", they seem to be disappearing.
NOW, I would not let them pick on Virginia, who was English, and not terribly good at her schoolwork, because she had learnt different things in England, before she came here. I used to help her and a few other girls with their maths, as they were part of the "thirty three per cent failure rate", a nasty selective process back then that made thirty three per cent of the population grow up thinking they were failures.
Maybe they weren't ever going to be superstars, only that didn't make them failures. That part of the population usually do very well in factories, some on farms, and some in supermarkets. Some end up in jobs like models. Some used to grow up, get married, and have babies, and that's ok too.
To brand them failures was disgusting, so I tried to help them, and one day I did succeed, only that was years later. In the meantime, I did learn that I was going to get picked on because I was different. I was going to get picked on because I'd stick up for the other who didn't fit the mould properly either.
Today, I had a phone call from a man who was probably part of that thirty three per cent failure rate, and he has made a success of himself in his life. That's partly why I have been taking his phone calls. I have also been taking his phone calls, because his life is not the greatest, and ringing me gives him "an out", a bit of a break, as well as giving me a break in my day.
Only when I shared with him about the message from my once upon a time husband, the one who is in jail today, because at the beginning of last year, he killed a man. . . . when I shared that he had given my a message to say "hello" from him to me, it all started, and do you know what?
That's ok, because now that man has lost me as have a few others. I don't put up with crap, and when I say that the reason that man sent me a message through my is sinister, I do mean that it is sinister, as my first husband was not a nice man.
What set this man off, was that I said the first husband is friends with . . . and the name I mentioned is known by everyone in this town. Then I added how that man just also happens to know my family, and I pointed out that he had a business in this town all those years ago when my family had their business.
That's when this man turned on me, and do you know what? That's ok, because right here, right now, I have shared that the message was sent through my , and that is enough.
There are enough people out there who know exactly who I am, and if they read this, then if anything happens to me, . . . .
Oh, sorry, didn't I say that I am not scared??? Why would I be scared? If I am meant to die, I will die.
There is something else, when I was in his life, "he" targetted me. Then when I was in "his" life, "HE" targetted me, and over the years I have been his and his and his target, and this one targetted me for this reason, and that one targetted me for that reason, and do you know what?
They are all idiots, one as childish as the next, and may they all rot gracefully when they either get buried or burnt, whichever, as I don't really care. I have better things to do than worry about a bunch of childish men who target friends and family of those they wish to hurt, and to really make their lives a misery, I always fail to tell their intended victims about what they did to me, because I don't tell anyone anything, until I really know them, unless I share in a way that nobody knows anything about who did what. As I refuse to begin to do more than note what goes on, they can't push it any further than me.
Oh, there is a bit more. When something does happen in my life, I do look at every man in my past, and I work out who might have done the deed, and make sure that I don't assume it's him or him. I actually make sure that I keep anyone that might have done it in mind. Then I adjust my life to prevent it happening again, that easy, nothing dramatic, no silly behaviour in retaliation, nothing. I am not like that.
What I do is called passive resistance. It is not Passive Aggression. It is passive resistance. It's really easy. If you target me or my home, there will be protective measures in place that are intended to do nothing more than identify you, and also to stop you entering my home should you try. I have learnt defence that is meant to stop and if necessary injure my attacker, however if not necessary, my assailant is not likely to get injured. It took years to learn how to stop without maiming, as previously I would have maimed, and I did not want to do that. (Having said that, there is still a very real chance that an intruder could get seriously hurt, as nothing is infallible. It does depend on the intruder themselves.)
So today, my assailant is very likely to be very coherent, and likely to face jail. Great, we are back there again.
Life can be like that, going around in circles, until finally we move forward again, and some of us actually find ways of moving forwards, and we know not to share those, because of the bullies that we have to stop.
It's really sad that there are bullies in the world who target the nice people. It's really sad that they don't stop, as the nice people could be doing things they were meant to do in their lives. Instead some nice people live in fear, and never get past that.
Then there are others of us, who yes, have their lives totally destroyed or devastated by bullies, only some of us learn how to protect ourselves and then we do get on with it. Of course, we always get annoyed when someone from the distant past tries to hurt us again, however if we have done our learning well, we will look at the situation, make sure our protective measures are in place, and then move forwards some more, and just live our lives, whether those idiots are out there or not.
If you are one of those idiots, get the message, you earn what happens to you in your life, by what you do or don't do. Enjoy.
Oh, sorry, I wasn't supposed to be that strong! 
Bad luck, sometimes I am.
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When you feel worthless 4 . . .
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Posted:Mar 13, 2012 9:17 pm
Last Updated:Apr 27, 2024 8:30 am
2943 Views
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Ok, this is probably the hardest thing to address, as if you are reading this, something probably happened at some stage, perhaps recently, perhaps long ago.
Something happened to make you feel worthless. Perhaps your teacher told you that "girls can't . . ." or someone else said or failed to say something to you, that made you feel like you are just useless, worthless, and will never amount to anything. This does include men, not just women, as boys can be abused in ways that most females never imagined possible by some adult woman, just with her words. Perhaps it's what someone didn't say to you.
As I said earlier, there are millions and even billions of people just like you, who do feel totally worthless, for whatever reason.
The past is gone, the person is gone, teachers are really good at disappearing into the distant past, and now that you are a big adult person, they are just not there to put in their place, or to somehow resolve things with.
ONLY, the issue is not with them, it's with you. You are the one who does not feel that you have any value. . . so now it's time to put things into perspective. I wasn't there when the deed was done. I don't know what was said to you to make you lose your sense of worth. Well actually deed, might be a really accurate description, as it might not have been something that someone said or didn't say. It might actually be something that was done to you, such as some kind of sexual or physical abuse.
Whatever happened to you, happened then, and yes, I do understand the fear of it happening again, as if you read a few of my blogs, you would already be aware.
It is now here, and today. What is important, is that you have picked up that you need to protect yourself, physically by actions, or inactions, emotionally, by finding ways of helping you not to end up damaged again, and to heal, and you need to find ways to move on.
Before I say anything else, it's important to either work through what happened in your own mind if you can, and put it in the past, as in the questions, How can I avoid this ever happening again? What can I do different if there is a negative potential next time? . . or if that is not possible, to either let go, or get professional help, whichever you feel will work for you.
Positive affirmations are a great way of moving forwards. I have a piece of paper sticky-taped to my bathroom mirror, yes, right now, that says "I love you". It is there to remind me to tell myself to say that to me, as often as I see it, which is most days, and sometimes several times a day. When I see that, I do look at my reflection, smile and say the affirmation to me in the mirror, so I do get the benefit of that often. I do also watch that smile, and if it's not good enough, I will do it again. Then I walk away with a warm glow inside, as I do know that I meant it from that smile.
This has reminded me of the "Welcome" mat at front doors. I have always preferred to avoid writing or words around the place, only when you think of it, every time you cross the "Welcome" mat at your front door, you can think of yourself being welcome also, as it is your home! If you happen to be someone who always uses the back door, then perhaps the mat needs to be moved there, or another put there. I have the equivalent to three doormats at my back door, and one of the most useless things out at the front door, for completely different reasons. The back yard has lots of wet, slippery and potentially muddy spots in it, plus a dog, so by having the equivalent of three door mats there, chances are what belongs outside will stay outside, only those three mats also say welcome without the word being imprinted on them, as they welcome the user to use them before entering. (You could see it in a negative way, only that would defeat the real purpose here. I do feel very good about those mats, and I use them all the time.)
Attending a "Stress Management and Relaxation" course, over here put on by the health department for those who need it can give you relaxation techniques that can help greatly. Alternatively, some martial arts help achieve relaxation also. Another relaxation technique can be dancing, or exercise, the sort that burns up energy. That leads us back to this site, and sex. Yes, sex could help, only it really needs to be in the right situation with a person you feel good about for the right reasons, so that can get all complicated. You need to be aware of that, if you use sex for this purpose.
Building up your sense of self worth, is an exercise that might take time and lots of different types of effort on your part. An affirmation is just one, and I don't know if there are sources of affirmations online. I do know that there are books full of affirmations, which may help you. When it comes to the crunch, only things that you feel good about will work, and that is the secret, to do things that work for you.
I love spoiling myself, by cooking a really nice dinner for myself, and at some stage, I did lose the desire to cook so these days that spoiling tends to take the form of buying a frozen meal that I would really love to eat, and prepare it and some kind of vegetables or salad on the side to make it go far enough, and to add flair to it, making it as special as possible for me. As I said, I really lost the desire to cook for me, so it needs to be as simple as possible. I make it simple, by either having salad vegetables handy, perhaps already prepared, or easily prepared, or I use a microwave container, and put a handful of each of about three green, at least one red, and another vegetable in for about three or three and a half minutes, depending on the quantity. I don't like my vegetables over cooked. I like them just cooked, so I do them accordingly, as they have peak flavour and nutrition that way also. There are lots of different meals in frozen form, ranging from a snack type to a full on meal, and still the meals are rarely filling, so it pays to prepare vegetables that will not stack on the weight, yet fill that spot. Alternatively, I will cooks something in the oven, and about fifteen minutes before it is cooked, I will add a handful of frozen chips. If I am feeling more creative, I might just cut up a potato and put it in the oven instead of chips, or put a pot on with rice or another grain in it.
Over time, I have found that I now do more things in the kitchen as my self love grows for myself. Do yourself a favour, remind yourself over and over, that just like so many others, you are a really precious member of society, and tell yourself reasons why. Those reasons can range from the productive things you do for society, to being there for others to do things for, to the skills you have. Each are totally valid.
Now with that cooking. I always try to make sure that for the days when I am either physically or emotionally exhausted, or occasionally both, I always have something quick available to prepare a meal in minimum time and keep the nutrition up to myself. There's not a lot worse than mowing lawns all day, and not having a cooked meal to walk inside to.
Now I normally always make my own yoghurt. Then I add frozen berries, black chia seeds sometimes (a small rounded spoonful), linseed (a small rounded spoonful), definitely lecithin, as it thickens things, and it's really really good for me, (a large spoonful), in my case two rounded teaspoons of sugar and then blend the lot to make a really delicious and very healthy smoothie. When I don't have yoghurt, I use a junket tablet and milk, (instructions on the packet) or I might use milk and ice cream, and then it's really decadent, and potentially able to upset my stomach, which I will deal with in a moment. The other day, I could see that I was in an emotional place where I just wasn't going to make the yoghurt, and felt I really need that yoghurt, as I tend to have it daily, so I bought some. Easy! Just make sure it's the best quality for me. When my tummy gets upset, there is a myriad of remedies, currently my favourite is grab a pinch of fennel seeds and eat them. Besides that green tea, even black tea, sipped slowly, chamomile tea, peppermint in any form, and the list goes on.
I really need a break right now, so I will publish this as is. If there is something I have left out or failed to address, I will either be told, or I will remember later, and add that. Right now, I need to press the publish button.
I do hope this helps as much as I would like it to.
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When you feel worthless 3 . . . . .
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Posted:Mar 13, 2012 7:48 pm
Last Updated:Jun 1, 2012 5:28 pm
2911 Views
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If you are here, then your questions have not been answered in the previous two pieces.
So then there's that other answer, get on a sex site, join an orgy, have wild, uncontrolled sex with some new person.. . .
Ok, that works for some. For many it works as a band-aid, and then life feels empty again, as those they may have had sex with are gone for various reasons.
Some may not feel they can even go there, and even though they may be a member of a sex site, don't really think they can ever meet someone. Now depending on your perspective, that could be a good, or it could be a bad thing.
If you never meet anyone, then you can't get hurt. Then again, you might meet the person you always wanted to meet.
So, nothing is infallible, or if you like, there are no clear cut answers.
For me, the secret, which I have shared in at least one other blog of mine, is to never give up. Today, you tried this. It didn't work? So "back to the drawing board". Tomorrow is another day, and you can do something different to what you did today. It's as easy as that..
Now a little extra... while you are going out and trying on different things to help you find your way, remember, that yes, a new pair of shoes might be the ants pants, and those snuggly old slippers are still the best pair of shoes you ever owned. . . so while you are out doing new things, different things, do hang on to some old habits, that make you feel comfortable. Make sure that you do things that do help, and keep doing them, as long as they don't hurt anyone. A classic example is the daily crossword, which a few of us have lost, as with the computer, things changed, and we for whatever reason just don't do it anymore.
Now about that loneliness. If I feel lonely, which I do rarely feel now, I look at my computer screen, or my phone, and contact someone. Only I don't contact them and say "I am feeling lonely". What I do say is "how are you?" I ask them questions about themselves, and instead of falling into the "I'm miserable" thing, unless there is just no consoling me, I tend to go with the what is happening with them them, or what is happening in the world? . . . as by going there, I do get over my loneliness, and then it is gone.
Ok, so now there is still one branch of worthlessness, that I have not addressed, and that also needs addressing, although I have already provided lots of positives even for the person who needs a touch more. I will look at that in number four.
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When you feel worthless 2 . . . .
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Posted:Mar 13, 2012 7:16 pm
Last Updated:Mar 13, 2012 7:34 pm
2789 Views
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You have decided that you want to change your attitude, and that's why you are reading this.
Ok, so firstly, you will need to bury your mistakes, and I don't mean literally. You don't see doctors out there with a shovel in hand, or placing their mistakes in wooden boxes.
To bury our mistakes, we need to look at what we feel was that mistake, ask ourselves lots of questions about it, like why did it happen? What can I do to prevent it happening again? How can I do it better next time? We need to find positive answers that will allow us to both let go, and move on.
If you have hurt someone, be that physically or emotionally, you need to deal with it. Firstly there's the apology. You let them know that you did not mean to hurt them. If you are lucky, they will accept your apology. Then in some cases, either you hurt them too badly, or they just won't accept your apology. You ask yourself how can I fix this? Well you can't! You, or I, cannot make a person accept our apology no matter what we try. Look at it this way, it could be worse, they could be dead from your mistake. It does happen. You drive around a corner, happily chatting, swerve too wide, with your best friend sitting in the passenger seat, and now they are dead. It's a fact. Sometimes the mistake is so big and bad, that the person we made the mistake with is dead, and we can't fix it. If this is you, know that no amount of beating yourself up is going to change it. Know that it happened, and now you need to love yourself enough to sort it out in your own mind.
Here is a thought. If your mistake caused a death, what would that person, if they were indeed your best friend, want of you now? The answer is pretty obvious to most of us. They'd want you to make up for them being gone, and live, not just live. They would want you to get out there and enjoy your life, and like you, I am not sure what that means anymore. How do you enjoy your life, when those who were so important to you are so gone??? . . . and that is where I struggle.
Recently, someone did show me a new way of dealing with that, when he said "I am lonely" . . . and a few other sentences, and we talked, and shared, and somewhere in it all, he found an answer in my behaviour.
The answer is very real, only it doesn't tend to feel real at first. Find a new focus, a new direction. Start doing things for yourself that occupy you in ways that you are happy about.
The answer is not black and white. It's not that simple, but it is that easy. Just get out there and do something that pleases you. In my blogs, you find it over and over, how I just get in here, and write these blogs, and they do make me feel worthwhile when I have finished them. Yes, I'd love to get paid for the wonderful things that I am sure that some of them achieve. Only there is no satisfaction greater than inner satisfaction, meaning that no matter what I don't receive, I do know that my blogs help some, maybe not all, just they do help, and that puts a smile on my face.
Now we stalled somewhere in the explanation, so I will continue in the next one. Some of you will already have found the answers you were looking for here. There are others who still need more to help them find their answers, so number three will be written.
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When you feel worthless 1 . . .
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Posted:Mar 13, 2012 6:46 pm
Last Updated:Mar 13, 2012 6:46 pm
2848 Views
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In this world, there are some people who don't feel terribly important. Ok, I have to rephrase that.
In this world, most people don't feel terribly important.
In fact, most people have a degree of worthlessness in their psyche. A lot of double dutch! Ok, many, many people that we meet every day, don't feel they are worth much at all. They do feel that it would be very easy just to brush them away like a fly, and then they'd be gone.
Only, they are people, with feelings, and because they don't feel worth much, or feel worthless, they struggle every day of their lives with this lack of self worth.
ONLY, what they don't realise is that most of the rest of the world feels exactly the same as they do. Only the rest of the world doesn't share that with them, as they also are struggling terribly with feelings of worthlessness every day of their lives.
Some are so badly damaged, that they never achieve, as they feel everything they will ever do will be destroyed.
Then there are others who achieve over and over and just never feel it's good enough, so they achieve again, and more each time.
Their common denominator is that both types, achiever and non-achiever, are driven by their feelings of worthlessness, and that is the real issue here, a state of mind.
I am going to make a point here, and if there is a professional who has a valid reason for disputing it, feel free, let me know.
I do not think that ant-depressants will change your state of mind. What will change your state of mind is your attitude to your life, and to change your attitude, you need to look at a few things. Yes, there are professionals who you can pay to help you.
A point needs to be made here, and that is that if a doctor has put you on anti-depressants, then you may not be able to live without them for reasons other than your attitude. If that is the case, as in you don't behave in acceptable ways when you are not on them, then you are someone who has to take them. However if you don't have to take them, then it's worth considering your attitude, and how you can help yourself.
If you want to, you can help yourself. You don't need to be locked into this world of "I am never going to be anything special" if you choose to drag yourself out of it, and believe me, just looking at those words as I typed them, I found myself sinking, as I am no longer young, no longer a productive person in society as such, and isn't that why I am here? Here, I have found an outlet that I can use, and it will help some, perhaps not all, and it's important for each of us to remember that:
"A doctor buries his mistakes"
Now you think about that! It says that a doctor's mistakes are hidden, buried. It also says he does make mistakes, and we (well sort of) see doctors as these wonderful knowledgeable people who never have to go without, never have to struggle, have money coming out of their ears, go on fantastic holidays . . . Hang on, that's deluded!
Doctors are humans, many struggle to get through their training, and some don't make it through, as they find they can't for this or that reason. Doctors have broken marriages much more than the rest of us, as they do things that most of us don't have to do, like working through the night when others are at home. Then when they finally get out and practise their craft, they accidentally cause someone to die. Ouch! How would you deal with that?! Ok, if they are clever, they know that we are all human, and we all make mistakes, and so they accept that. Not only that, because we are all different, the treatment that heals so many, didn't work on this person, so they died. So you see, it's not that simple!
The good news for us is that doctors can be our example. The do bury their mistakes, and get on with it, looking at all the people that they got it right with, and there are a lot more people that they get it right with, than the number they get it wrong with.
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I have a bag. . . .
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Posted:Mar 13, 2012 6:21 pm
Last Updated:Apr 27, 2024 8:31 am
2759 Views
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It's many years ago, since I met a young woman of about twenty five or maybe a touch more. There I was about her age, with a husband and young , and here she was moving into a "retirement village".
I asked are you a visitor? She said no, I am a resident. I am just moving in. I looked at her. She said I a have a bag. My puzzled look told her that she needed to elaborate. She said, I had an accident, a motorbike accident. They had to take most of my intestine, so they relocated the exit here to my stomach. I now have a bag attached, which I empty when it gets full.
My look was probably the same as many she might have been given when she shared so candidly. It was quite positive, as now I understood why she was moving in there. She was young, and dealt with her situation quite well. It was a pleasure to watch her.
The person who had a real problem was me, as to this day, I don't deal very well with the thought of what might be in that bag, which when you think about it, is ridiculous. If it were me with the bag, why look at it? Why breathe it in? Why not just go and empty it and not make a big deal of it? I mean if you have one, you have one, and that's just life. It's a lot better than being dead!
Yes, some people have a bag for other much more sinister reasons. Again, that's just how it is. Where do I get off, not appreciating that this person is alive because they have the bag??? When I think of my stupid weak stomach, it's really annoying, as my rational mind says it's great that this person is alive and doing things every day because they have their bag. WITHOUT IT THEY WOULD BE DEAD! That is why I do need to get over it, as those who do have a bag, are usually really special people, and if I don't think they are, then I need to give a thought to their loved ones, who need them in their lives.
The one thing I am sure of here, is that bag or none, I do not judge a person for their bag. I may find it a touch awkward, if I discover that a person has one, as I really love cuddles, only we are probably both big grown up adults, who can both deal with this kind of situation and resolve it without any drama at all, so if you have a bag, please remember that wonderful young lady. She really was quite nice, quite together, and I did watch her get on a motorbike very soon after that revelation, so she just got on with life, unlike some of us more "whole" people, who have invisible scars. Oh, and she did get home safe that day, as I saw her many times after that.
It's often not what you see, but what is inside that counts. I can't stress that enough.
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Rescue Remedy
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Posted:Mar 13, 2012 11:15 am
Last Updated:Mar 14, 2012 2:53 pm
2858 Views
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The other day I spoke to someone about rescue remedy, only what I was saying was misunderstood.
The response was "I only buy Australian". Oops!
The original "rescue remedy" is made of "Bach Flower Remedies". These are herbs that do certain things. One of the herbs helps you deal with shock. Another helps you deal with trauma, and the rest of the remedies in the original rescue remedy, are all associated with things like clear thinking, and other supports for when you have gone through some kind of bad patch in your life, ranging from the loss of a loved one, an incident on the football field to dramas with people, vehicles etc. anything.
Rescue remedy is for dealing with any negative incident in your life, including major dramas. Normal rescue remedy is made in an alcohol base, and if you buy it, it will cost way too much to make it affordable for someone with a drinking problem. It is not going to work. The normal dosage is about one does every four hours until you start feeling more normal. Then you will take it less as you won't need it that much anymore. However you can take it every half an hour if you really need to in crisis. Some people have been known to take a whole bottle first dose, and it did no damage. The dosage is something like ten drops under the tongue, only if you have a whole eyedropper of drops, which is about twenty five drops, that's fine. It won't hurt you. Ten drops would be more like the maximum dose for a . Thought you might appreciate that.
So how come I mentioned European and Australian rescue remedy? Well some clever Aussie, has found the Australian native bush flowers that seem to do the same job, and do you know, I have some of that stuff, and it seems to be as good as the original? Only when I first took it, I hated it, maybe because I was really out of it at the time, only since I took it, I seem to have been dealing with things so much better than before. The original was made of "European" herbs, as in the herbs in it were herbs that are known throughout the Caucasian world to all, as they are in all the herbals. The "Australian" version, is only new, and only has Australian native herbs made from Australian plants.
Sorry, one really important thing about rescue remedy. If you take it, and you happen to get it in contact with any of your or someone else's saliva, you will grow a little bottle of saliva, so be very careful to drop the drops under your tongue without touching the eye dropper at all. When you think about it, if you are worried, as you may be shaky or something, either get someone else to drop the drops in for you, or drop them onto something like a teaspoon, only I suspect that licking them off, they won't end up under your tongue. It's just a caution that people need to be made aware of, as if you have old rescue remedy, it might not be any good because of this issue.
Where do you buy it??? Ok, over there, I am guessing you'd find it in the drug store. Over here, it's in every good health food store, in some chemists, the ones that stock natural remedies. Herbalists will either stock or make it, and most know how to make it. Some do make it with a non-alcoholic base for those who prefer that. I do suspect that anywhere that deals with natural therapies is likely to have some available, much of the time.
Some people say they have even used rescue remedy on animals. As I am not a vet, I have no idea as to whether that is a good idea or not. Those who have used it suggest that it is that safe, and in a crisis, you will have to decide whether the risk outweighs the negative potential, up to you. If the animal is not moving, I have no idea what else to do, and it's my favourite pet, I might be inclined to use the remedy, and if it gets up and moves, I will be much happier. If in this case it dies, I don't know that I would blame the remedy, so then it might be worth using it in that situation.
I am about to take some of my own medicine! . . meaning I will go take a dose of rescue remedy now, because I want to be the "normal me" again, and it has helped a lot.
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Time . . . to have a drink???
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Posted:Mar 13, 2012 4:01 am
Last Updated:Jun 1, 2012 5:51 pm
3008 Views
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Ok,
I don't share much about the inner me, only right now I am going to, in a way that some won't expect, as I love myself. I really do love myself, and right now it will show clearly to some of those who didn't realise it before.
I choose, who I make love to, when I make love to him, and in what circumstances I make love to him. This all happens after he decides that he wants to either have sex or make love to me.
Please explain???? I will.
As a woman, sometimes I have to be very patient, more patient than I have patience for, if I like a man. Only I find that sometimes the man I wait for is not worth waiting for, because if he were worth waiting for, he'd be thinking of me, not just of his time out.
Ouch! Really pushing things here. That's ok. I am worth it, and if he doesn't know it, then he is probably wrong for me. Lots of wrong men have pursued me in the past, and I do feel that the right man will also just know. He might not feel adequate. He might feel he doesn't deserve me, just he will know that he wants me in his life, and as more than just a friend.
Now, to the issue here. Yes, I can drink too much if I am not careful. Yes, I could drink, lose control and end up with "him", only I don't, not these days. If that happens, I know that he has done something inappropriate, and has taken advantage of me, because I DO NOT MAKE LOVE UNDER THE INFLUENCE!
Not anymore. The reason? I was married for several years before I realised that we had never made love sober, and I am determined never to let that happen again, so if you think that you can go there while I am not sober, then be prepared to definitely lose me, and then possibly face charges. Remember that if you get anywhere near me ever.
So in case you didn't get that, I DO NOT MAKE LOVE UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF ANYTHING OTHER THAN THE DESIRE TO DO SO, BECAUSE I ACTUALLY GIVE A DAMN ABOUT THE MAN, AND HE ACTUALLY WANTS TO MAKE LOVE TO ME ALSO.
I do not make love to a man who does not want to go there, as some men are just as damaged as some of us women, for similar reasons, or perhaps different ones. I need to respect the man as I want to be respected.
Now that is why I never touched my precious friend, because I knew that he was terrified of being abused by a new woman. He had not dealt with the concept that some women are not like her, and are actually really precious. He had not worked that out, so even though I never did a thing wrong, other than tell him that he was emotionally immature, and I was not being nasty, only that was a really stupid thing to say to a man who is, so I did lose him permanently.
Yes, it hurts. Yes, I do know that there is nothing I can do about it, which is why I am doing everything I can to move on. Only just like others, I do have to accept that it's just not going to happen as easily as when I was younger. It's just not going to happen that easily, and if it does, there is a strong possibility, it's not with the right man, as like me, the right man just won't rush into it.
What I am not saying here, and need to say, is that I have found that I need time to move on, or to move forward. Somehow because I was there for him for seven years, I feel the need to take it ever so slowly with someone new, and just not rush in, and maybe take a similar time, and no, I don't want to wait that long for my next sexual experience, only I do really feel that I am convicted to this sentence, if you know what I mean.
Perhaps you don't, only I do really feel it's not going to happen suddenly, or overnight. That I am sure of. I am not sure of anything else.
I did leave something out. I have worked out a system, that I normally don't go there within the first three months of us getting close. I am not going to explain that, as I do not have to , so if you don't like that, go find another woman. I am not for you.
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Why can't I succeed?
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Posted:Mar 12, 2012 5:05 am
Last Updated:Apr 27, 2024 8:31 am
2832 Views
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Ok, now I am a long and involved enigma, better left alone, as there is so much involved.
It's much easier to leave me to my own devices, because even if I don't succeed, I actually don't fail as such.
I will explain. Because as a I was told "I am proud of you", I do have the issue that I don't achieve without that support. To this day, my mother still tells me the same, and has no idea that this is not the best way of handling things, and I am definitely not going to tell her now. It does mean that as soon as she is absent, I do find myself on my own, and not managing emotionally as well, only . . . I have done lots to try and change that.
So, with all this equipment of my own, I must be able to find an answer, or answers, after all I had many years of counselling when it was needed, and there is no reason that I can't find my answers if I just think it through thoroughly enough, and as I hate thinking - my excuse is that it is painful, I tend not to think beyond automatic pilot, especially in recent times, as I just needed to take all that time out to heal.
ONLY, what is my excuse now???!!! Ok, I no longer have an excuse, so it's time to find my answers, and I have procrastinated for several paragraphs.
I do succeed, only not in attaining university degrees and visible things that show I am wonderful or a great achiever.
I have survived the healing after my major dramas. Many would have turned up their toes long ago after that.
As a young , I told adults who came up to me and chatted, sharing their annoyance at the smokers at work, stick up for yourself, don't let them bully you. You have the right not to be exposed to their smoke. Stick up for yourself and say so! Don't let them pick on you! That's what I said, back in the early 1970s, and look at how that spiralled out of control, to today's situation, where there is no longer any respect for a person's right to smoke cigarettes. Yes, they are harmful, and so are various substances, including alcohol, and when it comes to day to day substances, people do have the right to choose their substance, within reason.
You will die, whether you use substances or not, perhaps a bit later, perhaps due to an uncontrolled event, earlier, however you will die one day. If your substance can or does cause discomfort or harm to another, then you either have to not use it, or if you do use it, your use needs to be in an environment/way that prevents that harm from occurring. If you can't protect others from your use, then you don't have the right to use at that time.
Ok, so that's just one thing I did. Over the years I did a few other things, and I see the outcomes in my everyday life constantly, and I get to smile over what I have achieved. I also get to feel upset when something backfired, like forgetting that smokers should be allowed to smoke freely somewhere, or if you like they should be given somewhere to go and smoke. It is an offensive habit, which took me many years to give up once I acquired it, so I do know both sides of the coin. I hate the smell of it now, only I know that a smoker needs to be left alone a bit, not constantly harassed with my opinions.
I raised at least two of four to a great extent, and did everything I could to improve their life over the quality of mine.
The two youngest have really experienced non-violent parenting, so they do have the foundations, even if not all they need to raise their in a non-violent way.
I spent about forty years, learning about heart attack/stroke, cancer, diabetes, and in my case a bit of hypoglycaemia long ago, which I have always had to be careful not to push into diabetes. Today I have published my results on this site, only I didn't really present them as well as I could have. Then again, if you follow my blog, you may well have followed those results fully, and they may have given you some useful knowledge.
I have almost never failed to be there for anyone I met who seemed to have an issue. I'd let them tell me their problem, and when they did, I'd ask what they have tried. Then I'd ask if they had tried this, or that, and then they'd decide what suited them. Sometimes, I'd push a strong suggestion with a man, as men don't really understand that women just love certain things, and if they do them, the woman just loves them for it. Then when they tried those things, the next time they saw me, they were very happy, and I'd get to walk away with a smile on my dial, as usual.
I always had a smile on my dial, because I always worked very hard to make others smile, and then when they did, I was happy again, or still. Take your pick, if you had so many successes, would you ever be upset or miserable? (I was miserable quite often, as I had very high standards to attain.)
So, although I did not succeed in getting my HSC after six attempts, I did complete the very next course I did, which was a hobby course for me, my Fashion Retail Certificate, which has given me lots of useful skills for various situations. Besides that, while the were young, sorry, the youngest two, I acquired a large number of herbal books, and studied them a lot, learning all the basic herbs, their uses, blah, blah.
Because of all my health problems at such a young age, I learned a lot of natural remedies for health issues, and dietary improvements as well. I have never stopped learning new dietary things, as the world has shrunk since the introduction of the internet, and as a result there has been much shared world wide that wasn't commonly known before.
When I started university, I was stopped over and over in different ways, and so in the end, I just stopped. If I do get a chance to go back, I'd love that, only I am not sure that will happen in the near future. I really need to get my act together more, regain control over my attitudes and acquire accommodation where I can go, which is not here.
My home may look like a storm hit it, however undercover, it does not look that bad, and only some are aware. It's a bit like when my were young. I knew that if they realised that I had achieved something, they'd do anything to destroy it. Over a few short years, I did everything undercover, until one day, I did a few things while they were at their father's for the holidays, and it was finished. They were so shocked when they came home, they finally never tried to ruin the place again, as they actually liked their recreated and improved home.
In the same way, I need to just keep going, working on this, that and the other in my life, and there are lots of areas for me to work on, as I really have lost control over so much in my life since I took this break. There is not an area that I do not need to work on, so it's long and slow. Like back then, I do work a lot on what is not so visible, as I don't want someone to go into attack mode again and destroy before I get a chance to finish it all again.
If you find all this so boring, then maybe you are not someone I would want in my life, as I want caring people, who are interested, and don't find things boring when they drag on for a bit.
So, even though it's not obvious, and not very visible, I am slowly getting my life back together, despite some negative criticisms, despite the constant attacks I had for eight years on my home. (The secret was indeed to gain control over how I felt, as then it all became easy, however to do that I really needed to do what I did to the fences, so the beggars couldn't just get in, and now I have to be aware that they look at new ways to get past fences, so I have to be that step ahead still, and I can now do that.)
For me, I had to put one foot in front of the other, slowly but surely, not worry if I stumbled, or tripped, just work on regaining my footing and standing up again, and I did that. Now there is not that much to go, as I am walking. I just need to do the other 999 miles that I haven't done yet!
So yes, I can succeed, and am doing that. I am a great success at being me. What more can I ask!!!!?????!!!!
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..and she said "I'm proud of you"
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Posted:Mar 12, 2012 3:55 am
Last Updated:Jun 1, 2012 6:01 pm
2709 Views
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.. .and Mum would say "I'm proud of you", and I'd look at her sort of stupid, as if she was stupid, and I'd wonder.
I'd wonder, what does she mean? I'm proud of you! I did it, so why was she proud???? I could never understand that.
. .. and so, one day during one of the five parenting courses that I attended (to teach me ways of parenting that do not involve "punishment"/violence), (oh, sorry, I'm a slow learner! LOL ) I was told:
" need encouragement, not praise." Huh??? I was told that who are praised, never learn to do anything much for themselves. They depend on being praised, and once that is withdrawn - when they leave home - they fall apart and start to fail, or stop achieving.
Wow! Somebody who thought like I did! ok . . . . more please!
Statements such as "I am proud of you. . . " do nothing for the 's long term self-esteem. need encouragement to teach them skills for life. . . .statements like:
"you must be proud of yourself" "wow, so how do you feel about that?!?" and so on.
As a parent I was rapt. My oldest boys could not benefit from this, as they were long gone with their father, however my youngest two could, and I was rapt, so I started right away.
"How does it feel to have done that?" "You must be so proud of yourself for getting that done!" "How do you feel now?" "What do you think you'll do next time?"
It was all about them from now on, and today, those two are doing what they want to. They have no idea of what failure might entail, as the times they failed, nobody told them they had failed. They had merely not made it as far as they wanted this time, and next time they'd do it, because they could.
I had no idea that while I was giving them positive reinforcement, their father was setting one up against the other. Today, this is still an issue, as they have really never gotten over their sibling rivalry.
I gave birth to the two of them, and suffered all the crap, so they'd have a sibling to go to at any time in their adult life, and instead, they see each other as a problem. It's so cruel. Life is cruel enough without all the extra issues.
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Saturday night
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Posted:Mar 10, 2012 4:53 am
Last Updated:Apr 27, 2024 8:31 am
2633 Views
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. . . and it's Saturday night, and they're off and up to mischief!
.... and it's on for young and old
My new neighbours across the road, have a very young baby, only born in the last few months, and the young people just love getting up to mischief around here. The young people don't like the security lights, only they are needed to make it easy to come and go at night, nothing to do with the young people, only they do go off when the young people walk past. If they'd bother to think about it, they'd realise that the security lights only go off when they are half way across the front yard, as they are set to pick up only if someone comes closer to them, not actually for the footpath, only they will go off at the very middle of the path, as that's the furthest point of the coverage for coming and going.
Not everything is about them. However once again they have damaged "public property", as they stole a flasher from the flood gate, which is there to prevent cars hitting the gate when it is closed, and because the gate has had to be closed so much lately, council left the flashers up to save money. Only now that money has been wasted once again.
... and to what do we owe all of tonight's activity? There is a bachelor party elsewhere in town, and a few would be attending that, however others might not be able to go there, and the show is also on it seems, so after a day's activity, they need to find something to keep them going during the night as it's Saturday night again.
Hmmm. I worked out recently that around here, one trolley, that's a shopping trolley destroyed, will cost every person in this area 25 cents. That's a quarter of a dollar each, on top of profit, on top of taxes, and everything else we pay for all that we need to buy to survive.
Didn't these young people learn anything in school? When we went to school, we learnt that our financial system started with basic bartering, and those who were good at bartering, would achieve more assets than those who were not. However it was all about trading goods and services for other goods and services, so that everyone was working in sync in a society that depends on everyone pulling their weight. That hasn't really changed, as if some don't pull their weight, then the rest of society does feel the effects, only those who don't pull their weight will feel it even more, as they will not reap the benefits of productivity.
There will also always be some who need to be provided for by the rest of society, and depending on the "care factor", they may be looked after well, or could be made to suffer by the rest of society. The concept of caring for them is based on the idea that what if it was me? or my mother? etc.
So now it is Saturday night here, and the young people are acting at least their shoe size, if not much more, and damage has been done, and it's too late to undo that damage, only one and three am are yet to arrive, and if the degree of drunkenness is as high as it could be tonight, hmmm, as they wantonly destroy on their way home, without any consideration for anything along the way.
Isn't it just wonderful? The other week it was three signs, and to get the one out the front here, it took three council workers incredible effort to restore that one to where it had originally been. They did agree with me that it must have been about five that lifted it out in the first place. The funny thing is that there is a group of five that get around, very not sober.
Fun, fun, fun.
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The Creek!
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Posted:Mar 9, 2012 6:16 pm
Last Updated:Apr 27, 2024 8:31 am
2123 Views
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The creek, the creek, the creek! Hmmm!
It's down, and for the first time in the last few days, the road is open again. Wow! The creek is still running a bit fast, just nowhere near as fast as it was. Right now, right here, we are lucky, as others elsewhere are flooded or suffering the consequences of flooding.
For people like me, it's good for the first time in the last few weeks, or at least a lot better. There is so much to do, and it feels really hard to deal with, stupid things, like the grass is so wet that it shouldn't be mowed yet, only it's so long that it won't dry because of all the rain that fell in the last few weeks.
Things got to a stage, where I was having trouble keeping the blues away for lack of sunshine, and to a certain extent, I still have the blues, as there was just no sunshine for several days. It's nobody's fault, just how it was.
Back to the grass. The question arises, now do you, or don't you? and if you do, how long will it take? hmmm.
Sometimes we just have to grab the bull by the horns, and deal with it! I think!
I am amazed. Until today, I never knew for sure that I had a view of the creek from in here. I do, not the one I'd like, but a view nevertheless, which means that from now on, I can monitor it a lot easier than I was previously aware of.
So that's how it is right now, the creek is down, still a bit fast flowing, only no longer threatening enough for the gates to be closed, for now anyway.
I can't begin to share the emotions I have suffered in recent times as a result of the creek and the weather lately. If I suffered, imagine how bad it was for those whose cars were destroyed, homes inundated by water. I am one of the lucky ones, yet for a while it just didn't feel good at all.
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To link to this blog (oneladybrijit) use [blog oneladybrijit] in your messages.
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